Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

I Wonder What It Looks Like In Here!

No criminal activity here, but we couldn’t let this one go by without taking note. From Winsted, Minnesota, comes the story of a teenage bozo who shall remain anonymous. Our girl was attending the Winstock Music Festival and really enjoying herself when, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, she decided to stick her head in the oversized exhaust pipe of a diesel pickup truck. And you know the old rule…what goes in doesn’t necessarily have to come out and she quickly became stuck. Yep, she’s sitting on the ground with her head stuck in a tailpipe underneath a big pickup truck. Emergency crews were called and she remained stuck for 45 minutes until firefighters were able to cut off a section of the tailpipe and free her head. Her parents must be so proud.

It Says, “To Protect and Serve”, Not “Protect and Test”

Bozo criminal for today obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 110298: There is a limit to services provided by local police. Our bozo from Putnam County, Florida, had purchased drugs from his local dealer. However, after smoking the stuff, he became ill. Thinking he had been snookered, he did what any bozo would do. He called the cops to ask if they could test his illegal drugs and see if it contained what it was supposed to contain. Sure, said the cops, just bring it down to the station house. He did. It was real methamphetamine. He’s busted!

Guess This Place Doesn’t Have the 15 Minutes Or It’s Free Guarantee

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Elgin, Ontario, Canada. Police received a 911 call from a pizza restaurant. Maybe a robbery in progress? Nope. Perhaps a diner in distress and choking? Nah. A woman upset because it’s taking too long to prepare her pizza? Yep. The cops explained the proper use of 911 to the woman who, surprisingly, did not appear to have been drinking. No word on whether she ever got her pizza.

Couldn’t He Just Use Aluminum Foil Like Everyone Else?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from western Pennsylvania, where bozo Raymond Jaques was caught stealing American flags from several American Legion halls. Now, this in itself is a particularly upsetting crime, but it was his excuse for the theft that earned him permanent entry in the Bozo Hall of Shame. When confronted by the cops, he told them that his curtain rod broke at home and he needed something to cover his windows. Hopefully, he’ll get a cell with no windows!

Gator Just Doing What Gators Do

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Ocoee, Florida where an arresting officer learned the hard way that you should never count an angry alligator out. Police were called to a Florida neighborhood on a report of a large gator roaming around. The cops found him and, with the help of a gator wrangler, got him all tied up, front and hind legs and snout bound with duct tape. The next step, load him in the back of a pickup and take him out in the swamp and set him free, right? Well, not exactly. The gator wrangler, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, decided to do a little drum solo on his snout. Yep, he treated the critters head like it was a big conga. Well, even a gator can only take so much. As they were loading him into the truck, our gator took careful aim and executed a perfect head butt directly under the chin of his tormenter. Our bozo went flying, and was down for a ten count. The gator, who is now somewhat of a folk hero, was booked and released.

Assault With a, Um, Very Personal Weapon

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Birmingham, Alabama, where the cops were called to a report of a bank robbery in progress. When they arrived, the found our bozo, still at the teller’s window, trying to get $6000 in cash. It was her note and her choice of “weapon” that merited its place in the Bozo Report. Our female bozo had passed a note demanding the cash and promising a sexual favor for the bank manager if he delivered. The note went on to say if he did not deliver, she would accuse him of sexually assaulting her. Well, that’s an interesting approach. She’s under arrest.

Game Over

Bozo criminal for today comes from Grant Pass, Oregon, where bozo Anthony Denton stole a Toyota SUV right in front of sheriff’s deputies who were waiting to have the vehicle towed after an unrelated DUI arrest. He then led cops on a high speed 40-mile chase through several towns. During the chase, he managed to crash through a fence, run over spike stops twice and drive down several roads the wrong way. He then rammed a police cruiser, jumped out of the car, ran into a nearby mobile home and tried to steal another vehicle before finally being taken into custody. His Bozo Excuse of the Week? He was high on LSD and thought he was playing Grand Theft Auto. OK. He’s been charged with recklessly endangering another person, reckless driving, first-degree criminal mischief, attempting to elude an officer in a vehicle, second-degree criminal trespass and unlawful entry into a vehicle.

This Whole Thing Could Have Been Prevented By a Pair of Suspenders

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Chattanooga, Tennessee. Bozo Michael Lester had been sentenced to three days in jail for contempt of court, but the judge decided to show mercy and release him after only one night. It was when he appeared before the judge that his problems began. Apparently his pants were rather droopy and when the judge repeatedly asked him to pull them up, he did just the opposite. He dropped his drawers, turned around and mooned the judge. Bad idea. Back to jail for 10 days this time.