Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

That’s One Breathalyzer We’re Not Going To Check

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where the cops pulled over bozo Darrell Jones for driving erratically. No way the cop was prepared for what he saw when he walked up to the vehicle. Inside, our bozo was only wearing underwear. OK, maybe that’s not so unusual, but written on the boxer shorts were the words “Breathalyzer” and “Blow here.” When the cop asked if he would take a field sobriety test, our bozo replied that he had gout and couldn’t do it. After failing a blood test, he was charged with DUI.

That Was a Real Hot Shot

Our bozo for today may not have done anything criminal but his bozo status is unquestioned. His kids were coming over to visit and he didn’t want them to have access to his revolver, so he did what any bozo would do…he put it in the oven for safekeeping. Good idea? Not. He failed to tell his girlfriend and when she started preheating the oven for dinner the gun quickly overheated and…Bang! One gunshot quickly followed by several others. Fortunately no one was injured but the oven was declared a total loss. The cops were called and our bozo was advised to buy a gun safe.

I Don’t Have a Trailer…I Thought YOU Were Bringing the Trailer!

Bozo criminals for today come from Lebanon, Maine, where the cops received a report of a 25-foot shed being dragged along the road by a pickup truck. When the officers arrived on the scene, that’s exactly what they found…a large shed that had apparently been removed from a foreclosed property being pulled by a pickup. Did we mention that the shed was not on a trailer and that it was simply being drug along the road? And that most of the road was blocked by the shed? Yep. They were found to be in possession of crystal meth and various prescription drugs that had not been prescribed to them. In addition to the drug charges, they’ve been charged with unauthorized taking or transfer and criminal mischief.

From This Point Forward, There Will Be No More Burrito Fridays

No criminal activity here, but we just couldn’t let this story pass by without taking note. Police were called to a report of trouble at a Mecklenburg County, North Carolina high school. Students were falling ill, complaining of teary eyes and burning throats. In today’s world, you can’t be too cautious, so obviously both police and school officials took the matter very seriously. Police and fire department units arrived and the whole school was evacuated without incident. But, still, there was the question of why the kids were feeling sick, some of them even throwing up. The investigation was underway when a school maintenance man approached, carrying one of the tools of his trade. A plunger. Apparently one of the school’s toilets had become stopped up, allowing sewer gases to enter the building. The pipes were cleared and some students were treated by medics and things got back to normal.

And As Soon As the Tub Is Full, I’m Going To Jump In and Mash ‘Em

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International file in Eastleigh, England, where the cops were called to the local Travelodge after the staff reported the smell of marijuana coming from a room. But what the cops found was much more strange than that. Upon entering, they saw bozo James Long wearing a woman’s bra and filling a bathtub with potatoes. Yes, filling the bathtub with potatoes. They also found large amounts or ecstasy and other drugs. Later, when the judge asked him why he would do such a thing, he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said, “It felt like the right thing to do at the time.” OK. He’s been sent to rehab.

But Look How Many Likes I Got!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report which once again proves that bozos and social media don’t mix. From Moses Lake, Washington, comes the story of bozo Kayla Gomez who was a passenger in a car that was pulled over by the cops. The driver was arrested for driving with a suspended license, but the cops had no reason to hold our bozo so she was released. Later, while searching the car, the cops found a purse containing our bozo’s ID, heroin, a pistol, and paperwork for the last time she was released from jail. But, still, there was no way to absolutely prove that the purse belonged to her, so case closed, right? Wrong. Our bozo went straight to her Facebook account and proceed to brag about how she had escaped arrest. The cops saw the post and set up a meeting on social media. And of course she showed up. She’s busted!

Well, I Mean, What DO You Do With a Fake Arm?

Bozo criminals for today come from Grass Valley, California, where the cops pulled over a car for driving erratically. Inside, the officer saw three bozos and, in the back seat, one rather unusual item. A prosthetic arm. Well, that’s not something you see every day, and the officer thought he remembered such an arm as being reported stolen recently. After the arm was identified as the stolen one, our bozos were booked on charges of suspected burglary.

Drop the Eggs and Step Away From the Building

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Idaho Falls, Idaho, where cops were called to a report of a disturbance outside a local coffee shop. When they arrived they found bozo Jacob Carter standing outside, smashing eggs on his head and smearing the mess on the windows of the coffee shop. Witnesses reported that prior to the egg incident, our bozo was seen playing hopscotch in the middle of an intersection, blocking all four lanes of traffic. He was arrested without incident, hosed down, and taken to jail.

We Give Him a Seven For His Dance Skills, But A Zero For His Criminal Skills

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fresno, California, where bozo David Hall obtained a set of keys to an office and used them to break in and steal a laptop. The crime would not be worthy of mention except for the fact that video surveillance cameras caught the whole thing, including the impromptu happy dance moves he did after successfully entering the building. Unfortunately, he was a better dancer than thief, as the cops spotted him nearby carrying the stolen laptop. He initially gave them a fake name, which led to further investigation, revealing several outstanding warrants. He’s busted!

The Case of the Purloined Puss

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska, where the cops were contacted by a homeowner who said someone tried to steal their pussycat off their front porch. Everything was caught on the home’s security cameras…from our bozo stalking the cat on the porch to the kitty making its heroic getaway as the man tried to put it into the waiting getaway vehicle. The story made the local news and someone recognized the kitty thief and reported his name to the cops. Our 17-year-old bozo’s excuse…someone dared him to do it. Must have been a double “cat” dare.

No, Wait, That’s Not Me…It Only LOOKS Like Me!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Royal Palm Beach, Florida, where bozo John Cox was involved in a traffic accident. He told the cops it was not his fault, that he had been cut off by another driver and he could prove it with footage from his dashboard camera. He then agreed to sign a consent form allowing the police to take a look at what was on his camera. Guess he had forgotten all about when he recorded himself burglarizing a jewelry store, taking the bat from his trunk and smashing the store’s window. Oops. He’s been charged with burglary. No word on whether he got off on the traffic incident charge.

That Tree Must Have Insulted His Mama!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Columbus, Georgia. Police were called to the local public library where a man was reported to be punching a tree. Upon arrival, they found bozo Tayvon Harper standing near the tree, with numerous cuts to his hands. EMS crews were called and our bozo was treated and sent on his way. Our freshly bandaged bozo then headed to the nearby Walmart where he walked out with a 55 inch TV without paying. He then made his way to the neighborhood police precinct where he complained to the officers about his bleeding hand and asked for the cops to take him and his TV to his home less than a block away. About that time, the report of the stolen TV was called in from Walmart. Oops. Instead he got a ride to jail.

Diamonds Are a Bozo’s Best Friend

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The city of Osio is home to a large prison. And the prison was home to a rather unusual money making enterprise. Authorities aren’t sure just how long it had been going on, but apparently there was a makeshift diamond mine underneath the prison grounds. Inmates and guards worked the mines and then sold the diamond for huge profits. Government officials became suspicious and conducted a raid on the prison after getting numerous reports of inmates not wanting to leave the jail even after their sentence was up. The mine and the prison have been shut down.

Look, Ma’am, We Don’t Care How Thirsty You Are…

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where bozo Janet Wallace called 911 claiming a medical emergency. When the medics arrived, they found her “emergency” was not quite what they expected. She told them that she was really, really thirsty and was out of beer, and could they please help her out. The answer is “No.” She’s been charged with abuse of 911.

Urine Trouble

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Aurora, Colorado. Apparently bozo Angelique Ramirez was up for a job interview, and part of the qualifications for the job required a passing a urine test. And one of the qualifications of a urine test is that it be at body temperature, to insure that it is “real” sample. Knowing she couldn’t pass the test with her own urine, our bozo acquired some “clean” urine. Now, how to get it to body temperature. Well, there was a 7-Eleven right next door. How about using their microwave to warm it up just a bit. Bad idea. Apparently she hit the “cook” rather than the “warm” button, as the 7-Eleven employee reported hearing a loud bang and then saw a yellow liquid leaking from the microwave. Yuk. Yep, our bozo had tried to warm the urine in the microwave and the bag it was in had burst. The cops were called and our bozo just didn’t see what the problem was, as she had offered to clean up the mess. She’s been ticketed with damaging the 7-Eleven microwave.

He Had No Particular Place To Go

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 223338: During an escape attempt, the goal is to actually “escape.” Bozo Michael Norris was among a group of inmates being transferred from the county jail to another facility when he somehow managed to sneak away from the group. But instead of getting the hell out of there, our bozo chose to stick around the jail parking lot, hiding behind a car. And did we mention he was also handcuffed and in his jail uniform? Yep, he was pretty easy to spot. He was arrested as he attempted to climb up a fire escape on a building across the street.

Doh!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Leicester, Massachusetts, where bozo Dennis Lucas had come up with the ideal crime. He thought he could circumvent the anti-theft devices at the local Walmart by covering them in Play-Doh. So, he smeared the gooey stuff all over the sensors and headed for the exits. Unfortunately, the plan didn’t work, as the alarms sounded anyway. Thinking better of things, our bozo fled, leaving the items, and the Play-Doh behind. What he didn’t realize was that Play-Doh is an excellent medium for taking fingerprints. Yep, he left behind a perfect print in one of the globs of Play-Doh. Cops used the print to identify him and place him under arrest.

But How Many Likes Did She Get?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael McPherson for sending in today’s report from Knoxville, Tennessee. We all know some people feel the need to report every single thing they do on Facebook, and that was the case with bozo Stephanie Newman who used a baseball bat to break a sliding door at her neighbor’s home. Once inside, she stole a 42 inch television, over $2000 in cash and other items. And, since the neighbor was away on vacation at the time and there were no witnesses, she might have gotten away with it. Except for one small thing. For reasons known only to the Bozo Mind she decided to tell everyone about the theft on her Facebook page. Bad idea. She could get three to six years behind bars for the burglary charge and two to four years each on the theft and vandalism charges.

A Really, Really Poor Choice of Vanity Plates

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Springfield, Oregon, where an officer pulled into an Albertson’s parking lot looking for a stolen vehicle. He didn’t find the car, but he did spot a motorcycle with some rather interesting vanity plates, “XFELON.” And those plates were expired, way expired, from 1993. Then, he recognized the guy on the bike as a prior felon, so he ran a quick check on him and, sure enough, he was wanted on an arrest warrant. He called for a marked patrol unit to serve the warrant, and that’s when the fun began. Our bozo led them on a high speed chase through city streets until he made a mistake and turned on to a dead end street. So, he did what any bozo would do. He got off the bike and walked away, claiming it wasn’t him that had been on the bike. That excuse didn’t work. He’s busted! And charged with unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, reckless driving and possession of methamphetamine.