Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Shortest Distance Between Two Points Is Not Across the Runway

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida, where bozo Charles Clark was dropped off at Miami International Airport to make a job application. When he realized he was in the wrong place, he decided to take a shortcut. Unfortunately the shortcut involved jumping over the fence and running across the runway. Bad idea. He was quickly captured by security. His bozo excuse? He can’t read so he didn’t understand the warning signs.

Um…How’s Your Pee?

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Clairsville, Ohio, where bozo Kiana Matthews needed to pass a court ordered drug test really, really bad. So, she did what any bozo would do, she borrowed someone else’s urine. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Guess she should have asked her friend what she had been doing the last couple of days. The “borrowed” urine tested positive for drugs. So, you can add tampering with evidence to her violation of probation charges. She’ll be doing 18 months.

And Don’t Shoot the Finger At the Mug Shot Camera, Either

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 9940234: Even if you think the camera is jammed, it’s not a good idea to give a police speed camera the finger, especially if you’re driving a distinctive car, with personalized license plates. That’s exactly what happened to bozo Timothy Martin who had his Land Rover equipped with a device that would supposedly jam police speed cameras. And every time he sped by one he would gleefully shoot the finger at the camera. While the device did prevent the cops from measuring his speed, they did get a shot of him shooting the finger. He was quickly tracked down and arrested, charged with “perverting the course of justice” which carries an eight month prison term.

And This One ISN’T Fake

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Suzhou, China, seemed to have come up with the ultimate bozo plan. When she needed a place to park, she would simply park in a no parking zone, get out of the car, place a fake parking ticket on her window and go about her business, figuring any cop that was going to stop to ticket her would see the slip under the wiper blade and assume another officer had gotten there first. We’re not sure how long she had gotten away with this scheme, but last week she was foiled by bad luck and Modern Technology. She parked her car directly in front of an unmarked police car. While the car was unattended, the dash cam was turned on and recorded everything, including our bozo placing the fake ticket on the windshield. Oops. She’s busted! She should get time off for creativity, though.

A Bozo Swamp Monster

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco County, Florida, where Sheriff’s officers pulled over our bozo for speeding on U.S. Route 41. After a short chase, our bozo jumped out of the vehicle and ran into a nearby swamp. A bad idea on so many levels. No, he wasn’t eaten by a gator. But he did manage to get himself stuck up to his neck in thick mud. Officers heard his cries for help and it took the efforts of several of them to pull him out. He’s been charged with fleeing to elude, aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer and violation of probation.

It Just Looked Like Something My Dog Would Like…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Troy, Michigan, where the local cops were conducting training for their K-9 corps in a field behind the local Holiday Inn Express. One of the officers had just hidden a ball for one of the K-9 officers to find when a bozo shouted at him from a hotel room window, asking him what was going on. The officer told him he was training his dog and advised our bozo not to touch anything on the field. The officer then led the dog away from where the toy was hidden and, when he was a proper distance away, released the dog. The K-9 officer followed the scent, but when he arrived at the correct spot, the ball was nowhere to be found. Hmmmm….A quick search turned up the ball in the cup holder of a Ford Econoline van in the Holiday Inn parking lot. And who should come down to complain as the cops were impounding the vehicle but our bozo. Yep, the guy who had asked what was going on had, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, decided to steal the K-9 officer’s ball. Busted! And charged with larceny of police property.

Surprised He Didn’t Also Suffocate Himself

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Marys, Georgia, where our bozo had big plans for robbing the local GameStop. But he needed a disguise. Having nothing, he improvised. He grabbed the plastic wrapping that covers big 24 packs of drinking water and put it over his head. Guess he forgot one important fact. This plastic wrap is totally clear, giving security cameras a perfect picture of his ugly mug. Armed with this evidence, cops expect to make an arrest shortly.

But I Thought You Could Have Paper Plates!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the great state of Texas where police in Fort Bend County pulled over a bozo in a van with a rather unusual license plate. It was a brown piece of cardboard with the numbers CV5Y901 scrawled on it in Magic Marker. Sorry, Pal, even in Texas you have to have REAL license plates. He’s busted!

Next Time Bring a Fanny Pack, or At Least a Sack!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Manchester, England. Our bozo held up a travel agency, getting away with an undetermined amount of cash which he simply stuffed into the pockets of his baggy pants. An OK idea, right? Wrong. Guess he didn’t account for it being a windy day. CCTV cameras show him walking out of the agency and the money almost immediately blowing out of his pockets. He’s lost quite a bit of cash before he even notices it, and when he does realize what’s going on, even more blows out as he tries to chase after the wind borne loot. Seeing the error of his ways, he eventually just gives up and leaves the money blowin’ in the wind.

When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Lifford, County Donegal, Ireland. The cops arrived for work in the morning and found quite a mess on their hands. Apparently our bozo had broken in overnight and stolen several items of police gear, including a hat, some handcuffs and a couple of police radios. But steal wasn’t all he did. For reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he decided to take a poop on the front counter. DNA from what he left behind as well as CCTV footage quickly led to our bozo’s arrest. And he really couldn’t plead not guilty, as he was wearing the hat at the time of his capture. He’s busted!

Those Were Some Hungry Mice!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Buenos Aires, Argentina, where an internal investigation found a half a ton of confiscated marijuana missing from the police storage warehouse. Suspicion fell upon the former police commissioner who had resigned about a year earlier. When the former commissioner was called to testify, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said the missing half ton of marijuana had been “eaten by mice.” The investigation continues while the cops look for some very happy, and fat, rodents.

It Was a Cocaine Tornado!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Pierce, Florida, where the cops pulled over bozo Keneshia Lucas for driving erratically. As the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed the smell of marijuana wafting from inside. A quick check of the purse that our bozo had in her lap found two seperate baggies, one with marijuana, and one containing what appeared to be cocaine. She immediately owned up to the marijuana, saying it was hers, but said she didn’t know anything about the cocaine. It was then she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the cop, and we quote, “It’s a windy day. It must have flown through the window and into my purse.” Right. She was booked into jail on on felony count of cocaine possession and a misdemeanor count of marijuana possession.

She Should Have Asked For a Coat Hanger

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Belleville, Illinois, where bozo Sandra Brown stopped at a convenience store to fill up her car. Unfortunately, she locked the doors with the keys in the car. Uh-oh. So, she went inside the store and asked to borrow a hammer to break the glass, saying she didn’t want to call the cops. This seemed a little strange to the clerk, who went ahead and called the cops anyway. And when they arrived, we discovered why she didn’t want to call them. A quick check found the car was stolen. Oops. She’s under arrest.

At Least It Wasn’t Fake News

No criminal activity involved in today’s report, but 911 was called so it deserves mention. Police in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, were dispatched after receiving calls about a “crazy person” talking to herself on the side of busy Route 30. When they arrived, they found an attractive young woman who did indeed appear to be carrying on a conversation with herself. Upon further investigation, they found that she was actually a reporter for KDKA-TV who was hosting a Facebook Live chat on her phone from the side of the road. Oh. No charges were filed but she was cautioned to stay out of the roadway.

And He Can Pay His Fine As Soon As His Money Comes In From Nigeria

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Oakland, Maine, where our bozo learned the hard way that you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Our unidentified bozo had just read in the New Maine News that burning rubber in your car is constitutionally protected freedom of speech. Armed with this new information, he just couldn’t resist peeling out in front of a police officer. Not surprisingly, he was immediately pulled over. Defending himself, he showed the officer the news article. The cop pointed out that the New Maine News is a satire site. In other words, it’s fake news. Oops. He’s busted!

He Just Really, Really Likes His Clam Chowder

Bozo criminal for today comes from Middletown, Connecticut, where our unidentified bozo called 911 four times to complain about someone throwing his clam chowder into the dumpster. After the fourth call, the cops were sent over to issue a summons to our bozo for misuse of the 911 system. End of story, right? Wrong. When they arrived, he yelled at the cops that he had used 911 because he knew of no other way to contact the cops. The cops explained that 911 was for emergencies only. End of story again, right? Wrong. An hour later he called 911 again. This call was simply to complain about receiving a summons for misuse of 911 on his previous calls. The cops arrived at his home again, and this time found him passed out on the bed. After rousting him out of bed, he put up a fight and refused to put on his shoes or cooperate with officers. They finally got our chowder loving bozo handcuffed and hauled him off to jail, charged with misuse of 911 (again) and interfering with police.

Hey, Everybody Is Supposed To Go To Church On Easter Sunday

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona, where our bozo was ready to go to church on Easter Sunday. When she went up to her 17-year-old son’s room, to tell him it was time to leave, she found him still in bed, fast asleep. Now, we can fully understand her frustration in dealing with a lazy teenager, but what she did next definitely qualifies her as a bozo. She grabbed a taser and “sparked it” on the kid’s leg. Ouch! The cops were called, and even though the teenager declined to file charges, the police did notice evidence on his leg in the form of two bumps where the taser made contact. She’s been charged with on count of child abuse. No word if the boy was inspired to go to church.

What He Didn’t Tell the 911 Operator Was That the Men With Guns Were the Cops

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Presque Isle, Maine. The cops were attempting to serve a warrant on our bozo at his home when dispatchers received a 911 call about a man being threatened by “five men with guns.” Sounds like a good diversionary tactic, right? Wrong. The caller’s cell phone mapped back its location as the very house the police were trying to serve the warrant on. Oops. And when our bozo was captured, the gave his phone number as the same one that had been used to call in the fake 911 call. Double oops. He’s now had abuse of 911 charges added to the drug trafficking charges they were serving the warrant on in the first place. Busted!