Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Congratulations! You Get To Spend Easter In Jail!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vero Beach, Florida, where bozo Charles Hampton worked for the local Trinity Episcopal Church, and they were even nice enough to give him a place to stay while he was down on his luck. But that didn’t seem to be enough for this bozo, as the cops were called to the church with a report of a man in distress. When they arrived, they found our bozo with his arm stuck inside the church’s donation drop box. Yep, he was trying to steal cash from the church. Our bozo was freed and arrested.

Wonder What She Would Have Done If He Had Forgotten Her Birthday

There may be more than one bozo at work in today’s story from Pasco County, Florida, and it’s up to you to decide who it is. Police were called to a report of a domestic disturbance and when they arrived they found a husband complaining that his wife had smacked him around, and he had video on his cell phone to back it up. Sounds like an open and shut case, right? So why did it end up in the Bozo Report? It was the reason the wife offered up for the attack. It seems he had forgotten their anniversary again, and she was simply fed up. Sorry, that’s not a good enough defense. She’s been charged with domestic battery.

With All Those Phones, He Should Have Called For Backup

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Houston, Texas. Our bozo staked out a cell phone store, which he no doubt figured would be loaded with cash what with phones going for a thousand bucks these days. He walked in, flashed a gun and demanded that the clerk empty the register. And then things when off the rails. The clerk refused to hand over the cash, and when our bozo went behind the counter, all the employees and customers headed for the exit, which had a door that automatically locked behind them. Oops. Our bozo found himself trapped inside the store, which had bars on the door and windows. He even tried firing his gun at the lock, which seemed to have no effect. And that’s when he quickly changes his attitude. After saying to himself “oh f***, I’m going to jail,” he drops to his knees and begs to be freed, promising to never pull off a robbery again. Didn’t work. The cops soon arrived and hauled him off to jail.

If the Shoe, er, Tattoo, Fits…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Eugene, Oregon, where the authorities are looking for a man alleged to have made threats to kill people at least three times. Judging from the “wanted” picture they posed, this loser shouldn’t be too hard to find. He has a big tattoo on his forehead, but it’s the one on his neck that assured he would land in the Bozo Report. Tattooed in bold letters on his neck, “DORK”. Why didn’t he add “BOZO” also?

Honest, We Thought This Was the Express Lane

Bozo criminals for today from Seattle, Washington, violated Bozo Rule Number 000334: It’s not a good idea to return to the scene of a crime if you’re a bozo. Apparently our bozo team had shoplifted items from the local Costco before and were known to the store’s loss prevention officer. When he saw them in the store, he immediately called the cops and told them that the last time they had stolen items there, they had escaped by using the emergency exit. So, the officers decided to set up outside and wait for our bozos. Good plan. They had only been there a few minutes when our bozos busted through the door, carrying computers and vacuums they had shoplifted. They’re busted!

Hey, She Was Hungry and Nothing Else Was Open!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York, where bozo Lizabeth Ramirez was looking for a good, quick place to grab a bite to eat. She spotted a drive-thru, pulled up and asked for a “bacon, egg and cheese.” So, what’s so unusual about that? Well, the booth she pulled up to was the security hut at a jail facility. Oops. According to the sheriff’s office, she had a white powdery substance on her nostril. She’s been charged with driving while ability impaired by drugs and driving without a license.

Doh!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Thames Valley, England, where the cops pulled over a driver for a traffic violation. When the cop asked for our bozo’s license, he whipped out one. A really fake one with Homer Simpson’s name on it, Homer’s picture and his catch phrase of “Doh!” printed on it. The cop didn’t see the humor in the situation and charged our bozo with no insurance and driving without a proper license.

Wait, You Mean Spaghetti Sauce Isn’t Flammable?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from DeLand, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. Upon arrival, they spotted a vehicle leaving the home. When they pulled the car over, the things they found inside indicated that we may be dealing with bozos here. In the console was a marijuana grinder. In the back, a vacuum, window unit A/C, heater, flat-screen TV, and an empty jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce. Entering the home, the cops found it to be reeking from the smell of burned spaghetti sauce. Apparently our bozos had left a pot of sauce cooking on the stove, along with a washcloth, in the hopes it would catch fire and cover their burglary. Didn’t work. They’re busted!

Power UP!

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Guangzhou, China, where the director of China’s Southern Power Grid had just completed a teleconference with employees of five different provinces. He apparently had more on his mind than just the power grid, as, after the call was over, he pulled a female colleague up on the conference table and began having sex with her. Well, at least he thought the call was over. In his fit of passion, he forgot to turn off the camera, and their romp was broadcast to all the employees. Yikes! They’ve been arrested and charged with defamation as well as further punishment for spreading “false rumours” after they allegedly shared the footage.

Guess 7-Eleven Wasn’t Hiring

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Hereford, Arizona comes the story of our bozo who was in need of work. He heard the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Service was hiring so he applied. Not a bad idea, right? Wrong. After the agency ran a background check, they discovered our bozo was not even a U.S. citizen and had used a fake birth certificate to apply for a U.S. Passport. Oops. Not only did he not get the job, he was charged with three counts of passport fraud and false statements on his federal law enforcement background application. Busted.

Gumballs For a Goofball

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California, where, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, a man decided to steal the gumball machine at the local animal shelter. Video surveillance shows him crawling through a small window he broke at the bottom of the door. The hole was big enough for him but not quite large enough for the gumball machine. In the process of trying to shove it through the hole, he broke the glass container, spilling gumballs all over the floor. After a great deal of work, he finally ended up tossing the machine over a barbed wire fence in the back yard. All this work to get a handful of quarters. He must have just really liked gumballs, as there was a much bigger prize, a big box of cash donations sitting on the counter right next to the machine.

Where’s the Extension Cord?

Our bozo for today from Austin, Texas is a new take on an old problem. In the past, we’ve had numerous reports of bozos whose attempts to steal a car were foiled when they couldn’t drive a standard transmission car. Bozo Cory Adams attempted to carjack a Chevy Bolt at a stoplight. The driver abandoned the car but instead of speeding away, our bozo found himself stumped by the electric vehicle’s controls. He was still trying to figure things out when a bystander saw what was going on, grabbed a machete, and held our bozo until the police arrived. We have no explanation as to why the bystander was carrying a machete, other than the fact that it IS Austin.

Guess He Had Someplace He Really Needed To Be

Bozo criminal for today from Gainesville, Florida, violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 111-997-6: It’s not a good idea to honk your horn at police officers while they are conducting an investigation. The cops were working a crash in midtown when our bozo pulled up and started honking his horn. And not just a couple of beeps, either, he was really laying into it. So, the police approached his vehicle and immediately noticed the smell of marijuana wafting out of the window. Inside they found a handgun, a loaded magazine and ten thousand dollars in cash. Looking further, they found several other weapons, five mason jars full of marijuana, a hundred grams of cocaine and a baseball bat. Yikes! He’s busted!

Well, I Waited For Uber But They Never Showed

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut, where bozo Jonathan Ramirez was scheduled to appear in court on vehicle theft charges. He showed up on time, parked his car, and went inside the courthouse. So far, so good, right? Well, not exactly. Hartford Parking Authority agents regularly scan license plates looking for parking violators around the courthouse. They got a hit on a white Subaru. It showed up as stolen, so they decided to keep an eye on it. His appearance before the judge done, our bozo walked out of court and got into the car. Yep, he had stolen a car to drive to court to appear on vehicle theft charges. Bad idea. You can add new charges of second degree larceny to his list of problems.

And Somewhere Around, There’s the “Not Meth” Jar

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Lincoln, Nebraska, where the cops pulled over 21-year-old bozo Charles Harrison for driving erratically. Taking a look inside the car, the cops spotted something rather unusual. Peeking out from under front passenger’s seat was a plastic sour cream container. And written on that 16 oz tub were the words, “Not Weed.” Not exactly correct. Inside the container, 11.4 grams of marijuana. He’s busted!

Sign? What Sign?

Bozo criminals for today come from Peoria, Arizona, where police officers approached a suspicious car at a gas station. Instead of cooperating, our two bozos jumped out and started running, looking for a place to hide. Straight ahead there was a big building with a fenced area in the back. Great hiding place, right? Wrong. Maybe you bozos should look up and read the big sign above the door that says “Peoria Police.” Male bozo number one jumped over that fence right into a secure area where the police were training. Arrested. Female bozo number two tried to hide underneath a bench. Arrested. They’ve been charged with shoplifting, trespassing and drug charges.

Where’s Dumbledore When You Need Him?

Our bozo for today comes from Essexville, Michigan, where police were called to a report of a dementor flying around the neighborhood. As a note of clarification, “dementors” are magical beings from the Harry Potter series that can suck out a human’s happiness and create a general feeling of coldness, misery and despair. So quite obviously you wouldn’t want these dark-hooded characters flying around your neighborhood. Offices were dispatched and the “dementor” was quickly captured. Wasn’t a real dementor, though, just a black trash bag hanging from a tree limb. The bag is now in custody.

And Don’t Make Me Use This!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bonita Beach, Florida where it seemed our bozo robber had it all planned out. Getaway vehicle: A white bicycle. Not the best but should be OK. Disguise: Red shirt over his face. Check. Target: 7-Eleven. They’re always a good place to grab some quick cash. Weapon: His finger. Huh? Yep. His finger. Our unidentified bozo rode to the 7-Eleven on his bike, pulled the shirt over his head, pointed his finger in a gun shape and walked in and demanded the clerk empty the register. Shocker. The clerk refused. Our bozo was last seen riding his bike down Imperial Shores Boulevard, no doubt planning his next big heist.