Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Too Bad There Wasn’t Some Garlic Bread

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this gem from Hazle Township, Luzerne County, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a residence with a report of a rather unusual robbery. The homeowner told the officers that he was cooking a pot of meatballs on a stove in his garage around 2:30 pm. He left the pot unattended for a moment and when he returned, it was gone. He saw the pot laying in the street, sans meatballs. After a quick look around the neighborhood, the cops came upon a suspicious looking character. Further investigation revealed red sauce on his face and clothing. He’s busted! And charged with burglary, criminal trespass, and theft by unlawful taking.

Le Pew. Le Skunk. Le Fire!

Our bozo for today isn’t a criminal but his efforts deserve recognition. From Ferndale, Michigan, comes the story of a man who had a problem with skunks. A big problem, it would seem, as they were living under his house and causing quite a stink. So, he decided to fight fire with fire, literally. He threw several smokebombs into the crawlspace of the house, hoping to run the critters out. Instead, the bombs ignited wood in the crawlspace which quickly spread to the first floor of the house. By the time the firefighters arrived, the home was totally ablaze and out of control. The home was declared a total loss. And, as for the skunks…firefighters report no carcasses were found in the debris. Next time call a professional.

Sorry, the Olympics Has No Bozo Category

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending us our Bozo Olympic Athlete for the morning. From Pyeongchang, South Korea, site of this year’s Winter Games, comes the story of a Russian female bobsledder. Now we all know the Russians have had a less than stellar record of playing fair at the olympic games. Our bozo for today was taking no chances, wearing a t-shirt that said, “I Don’t Do Doping” when she was arrested for testing positive for a banned substance.

And A Guy Down the Street Is Taking Dino Flintstone For a Walk

Our bozo for today comes from East Lansdowne, Pennsylvania, where the cops received a rather strange 911 call. Someone called the police to tell them there was a, uh, dinosaur on the loose and he was walking down the street. The cops quickly arrived at the intersection of Melrose and Emerson Avenue, and, sure enough, there was a T-Rex just as reported. Well, not exactly just as reported. Further investigation revealed that it was a mom in a T-Rex suit walking her kid to school. Oh. Everybody stand down.

This Case Went Up In Smoke

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report that flips the tables on exactly who the bozo is. Authorities in Britain were thrilled over the big haul of illegal tobacco products that they had confiscated so they produced a YouTube video to show it off. Unfortunately, the video was a little too detailed, giving crooks the exact location where the 70,000 counterfeit cigarettes were stored. And, in the dark of night, our not so bozo crooks cut a 3 foot by 2 foot hole in the container and made off with the entire haul. Yep, in this case, it was bozo cops bragging about their big score and the thieves who made off with the goods, rather than the other way around. Police at this time have no leads in the case.

And the Note Said, “Be a Good Boy”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dorchester, Massachusetts, where bozo Zachary Williams snatched a woman’s purse as she walked near a school. He successfully got away with her ID and $40. Unfortunately, he also lost something in the process. We’re not sure why he was carrying it, but he dropped his birth certificate while scuffling with his victim. Oh, and one more thing…he also dropped a note from his mother. The cops had no trouble tracking him down. He’s busted!

To Be Clear, A Trash Can Is NOT a Gas Can

Our bozo for today comes from Moses Lake, Washington, where a bozo and his female accomplice pulled up to a convenience store and began filling up. Only instead of filling up the car’s tank, they were filling up a large garbage can in the car’s backseat with gasoline. Bad, bad idea. The problem was compounded by the fact that the woman sitting in the front seat was smoking a cigarette. Not surprisingly, the car ignited and our bozo fled, leaving his girlfriend and the large amount of marijuana in the car’s trunk behind. She was taken to the hospital and treated for burns. Cops are still looking for the pumper.

Rule Number One When Using Bricks: Step BEHIND, Not In Front of a Man With a Brick

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Shanghai, China, where two bozos had a plan for breaking into a shop window. They were going to use a tried and true method, hurling a brick. But, that’s not as simple as it sounds, especially when you’re a bozo. Security footage shows the two sneaking up to the window, both of them armed with bricks. The first hurls his brick and it bounces off. So bozo number two readies his projectile. Unfortunately, bozo number steps in front of him at precisely the wrong time and instead of hitting the window, the brick strikes him directly in the face, knocking him out cold. Oops. Video footage shows bozo two dragging unconscious bozo one out of camera range and attempting to revive him. We’re not sure of his fate as they were gone by the time the police arrived.

This Was Bear-ly a Crime

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona, where a roadside vendor had set up shop selling huge teddy bears just ahead of Valentine’s Day. Things were going well until two bozos pulled up, grabbed several of the stuffed bears and crammed them into their waiting getaway SUV. End of story, right? Wrong. They may have been thieves, but they were well aware of traffic laws, as they halted their getaway when a nearby light turned red. And that slowed them just long enough for bystanders to run up to the car, open the door and retrieve the stolen bears. Thinking better of things, our bozos left empty-handed.

Well, If the License Plate Fits…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bellevue, Washington, where police responded to a car wash on a report of a road rage incident. Apparently it was a minor rear-end crash between two cars and when the owner of one got out of his car to take pictures, our bozo in the other car pointed a gun at him and made threats. When the cops arrived, he had to be pulled out of his car, punching one of the officers in the face in the process. He then threatened to kill the cop and made disparaging comments about the officer’s race. Bad, bad idea. He was tased and arrested. And what makes this incident notable is our bozo’s vanity license plate: “Dirtbag.” Appropriate.

And I Can’t Figure Out How To Work the Radio, Either

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Sartell, Minnesota, where the owner of a Jeep Grand Cherokee was shopping at the local Walmart. As it was cold outside, she hit the remote start button on her key fob to get the car warmed up. And that’s when our bozo sprang into action. He noticed the unattended car running and simply opened the door and drove away. Things were going fine until our bozo reached his destination and turned the car off. When he tried to start it again, he was unable to, since he did not have a key fob. So, he did what any bozo would do. Using information he was able to find inside the vehicle, he called the car’s owner and asked for help getting it started. The owner decided to play along and our bozo gave the owner his location so On Star could find the vehicle and start it remotely. Bad idea.He was still on the phone with the owner when the cops arrived.

Pull Over and Exit the…Um…Basket

Bozo criminals for today come from Yucaipa, California, where the police received several complaints about hot air balloons flying dangerously close to homes. The cops responded and found two balloons that were indeed dangerously low, coming within about five feet of rooftops and skimming the tops of trees. They ordered the pilots to pull over, or in this case, come down. The pilots were warned, and, not knowing exactly what to charge them with, the cops forwarded the information to the FAA for review of any possible violations.

Tiger! Tiger!

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in the unfortunately named town of Peterhead, Scotland. The cops received a call from a very nervous farmer who said his cows had been trapped in the barn by a tiger. Yes, a tiger. In Scotland. The farmer even sent pictures of the animal to the cops who confirmed it was indeed a tiger. Officers were dispatched and a call was made to the local animal shelter to make sure a tiger had not been reported missing. Upon arrival, the cops decided the best plan was to keep a safe distance from the critter. For 45 minutes, a standoff occurred. Then, someone noticed that the tiger hadn’t moved. So, the officers crept closer…and closer. Still the tiger didn’t move. And then…they finally figured out it was a stuffed tiger. Oops. The farmer said there was a party going on at the home and one of the guests must have placed the tiger in the barn. No charges were filed.

Maybe He Should Have Just Left the Song “Untitled”

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Providence, Rhode Island, where the cops busted Michael Mayfield on drug trafficking charges. According to reports he delivered fentanyl and heroin to an undercover police officer. Additional drugs were found at his home. All of this would not be newsworthy except for one thing…Our bozo was an aspiring rapper. And his best-known song is a little ditty called “Sell Drugsz”. He may want to change the lyrics to “Doin’ Time.”

Honest, Officer, We Just Picked These Up At Chipotle

Bozo criminals for today come from Los Angeles, California, where the cops pulled over a vehicle for a minor traffic violation. After noticing the driver appeared to be a little nervous, the officer took a look inside the car and saw fourteen, foil wrapped, cylindrical objects. So just what is that the officer asked. Burritos our bozo replied. A quick sample found no beans or beef but instead meth. Yep, fourteen foil wrapped methamphetamine burritos! He’s busted!

Sounds Like a Squeegee Guy Gone Bad

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where a parking lot security camera captured the weirdest attempt at a break-in we’ve seen in a while. Our bozo is seen approaching a big Toyota pickup, armed with a mop. Yes, a mop. He then hits the driver’s side window with the mop in an apparent attempt to break in. He hits it not once, not twice, but a grand total of seventeen times but still the window will not break. So, thinking he needs some extra leverage, our bozo climbs up onto the roof of a stairway near the car with the seeming idea of leaping off the roof onto the car. Not the best idea. Especially when you’re drunk. He gets to the roof, loses his balance and face plants right onto the pavement next to the vehicle. He’s busted. In more ways that one.

You Call That a Bite? Here’s a Bite

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boscawen, New Hampshire, where the cops were called to a trailer to investigate a report of a shooting which had sent a man to the hospital. Three men quickly gave themselves up but one bozo remained inside the trailer, hiding under a pile of clothes. K-9 Officer Veda was sent inside to extract the suspect. She quickly tracked him down but instead of giving up our bozo decided to fight, attempting to put the dog in a headlock and even going so far as biting the officer on the top of the head. Bad, bad idea. Officer Veda bit back and our bozo soon saw the error of his ways and was placed under arrest. His bit caused no harm and Officer Veda returned to duty.

You Mean NO ONE Has a Plunger?

No criminal activity involved here, but this one is just too good to pass up. Our story this morning comes from the International File in Oslo, Norway. A Norwegian Airways flight to Munich hadn’t been in the air long when the pilot reported they would have to return to Oslo to repair a problem. Perhaps something with an engine? Nope. An electrical issue? Nah. A stopped up toilet? Yep. Now this would not ordinarily be worthy of note except for one thing. One board the plane were 85 plumbers on their way to a convention. Wonder what the overtime charge would have been for that repair?