Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Well, A Man’s Gotta Work

Bozo criminal for today come from Cottonwood, Arizona, where bozo Juan Ramirez was wanted on suspicion of taking part in a bank theft. He kept missing appointments with detectives and refused to take their phone calls, so a warrant was issued for his arrest. The thing to do now is lay low, right? Wrong. The thing to do now is to apply for the dispatcher’s job at the local police department. Yep, that’s exactly what he did. During a background check, the warrant came to light. He’s under arrest.

Easiest. ID. Ever.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo Charles Wilson walked into a convenience store, raised his shirt to reveal a gun in his waistband, and demanded the clerk hand over several packs of cigarettes. He got his smokes and left. End of story, right? Wrong. There was one thing about this bozo that made him very easy to identify. His clothing? Nope. A visible scar? No. His social security number tattooed on his forehead? Yep. Our bozo had his actual social security number plainly inked on his forehead. And, since he’d been in trouble with the cops before, he was quite easy to track down. He’s busted!

She Put Him On Hold Until the Cops Arrived

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo John Brunson walked into a cell phone store, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk refused to open the register and our bozo began to wander around the store, eventually walking into the store’s office. At this point, the quick thinking clerk ushered all the customers outside and locked the door behind them, leaving our bozo trapped inside. The cops were called and our bozo panicked, shooting the lock four times and eventually dropping to his knees, begging to be let out. Didn’t work. He’s charged with aggravated robbery and assault with a deadly weapon.

A Real Snow Job

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Grand Forks, North Dakota, where bozo Dustin Wilson found out the hard way you don’t mess with Mother Nature. Our bozo spent seven hours at the local Hobby Lobby filling up his shopping cart with thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. He then wheeled his cart out of the store without paying and immediately got the cart stuck in the snow, where it turned over. He fell to the ground, and, thinking better of the whole thing, fled on foot. Unfortunately, he also dropped his wallet, which contained his name and address. He’s under arrest.

That Must Have Been Quite a Punch

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cocoa, Florida, where we have the first ever reported assault on an ATM for giving too much money. It seems Bozo Michael Owens had stopped by an ATM to pick up some cash on his way to work. The machine gave him the money he asked for plus some extra. So, what do you do when an ATM gives you too much money? You punch the screen, of course. That’ll show that stupid machine! Unfortunately, the security camera caught the whole thing. He’s been charged with criminal mischief after causing $5000 in damage to the machine.

No, You Turn LEFT at the End of the Pier!

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Astoria, Oregon, where the cops were called to a report suspicious activity at a pier. The cop found our bozo there, trespassing on boats. When they arrived, he jumped in his pickup truck and immediately drove off the pier and into the Columbia River. As the truck began to sink, he tried to flee by swimming away, but the frigid waters caused him to quickly turn back. After being treated for hypothermia, he was charged with criminal trespass, parole violation, attempt to elude a police officer, reckless driving and escape.

Next Time Set Off a Roman Candle

Our bozo for today to start the New Year comes from Kalamazoo, Michigan, where Richard Brown rang in the new year in typical Bozo fashion by firing off a gun while standing on his back porch. An officer on patrol in the area heard the shots and actually saw our bozo shooting off his weapon. He stopped to advise him that this was a violation and when our bozo seemed a little nervous, a search warrant was ordered. He was found to be in possession of a stolen firearm as well as large amounts of marijuana and methamphetamine. He’s been charged with possession with intent to distribute methamphetamine, possession of a stolen firearm, felony firearm, maintaining a drug house and possession of marijuana. Happy New Year!