Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

His Gun Making Skills Need Work

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where bozo Jeffrey Goff walked into a convenience store carrying a “rifle” and demanded cash. Things seemed to be going well until someone noticed something wrong with his weapon. Looking closer, the “rifle” was made of furniture pieces, a spring and a pipe that had been taped together. Oops. He was grabbed by the employee and several customers and held until the cops arrived.

On Second Thought, Maybe Asking the Cops For Help Wasn’t a Good Idea

Bozo criminals for today come from Union County, South Carolina. Police are quite often flagged down by citizens seeking help, but this was not your typical domestic dispute. Bozo Kimberly Lucas flagged down a patrol car in front of a convenience store. She told the police she needed help…her john was refusing to pay her for prostitution. The john, who was also there, admitted giving her $150 but said it was only for a “hotel room.” That excuse didn’t fly with the cops, who booked them both into jail on misdemeanor prostitution charges.

Next Time Use Uber

Bozo criminal for today from Orange County, Florida, used the most unusual getaway vehicle we’ve seen in a while…the back of a semi truck. Here’s apparently what happened. Bozo Derrick Martin got into an argument with a woman on a bus over her talking too loudly on her cell phone. The argument continued off the bus, with our bozo getting into a scuffle with the woman. He then jumped onto the back of a moving semi truck to escape. He was able to hold on even when the truck entered the John Young Parkway. Cops received reports of a man hanging onto the back of a truck and were able to get the driver to stop, whereupon our bozo was placed under arrest.

Take Me Home, On the Double

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Copenhagen, Denmark. Our bozo, either a pot dealer or a casual user planning a very big weekend, was carrying 1000 joints and needed a ride home. So he did what would seem to be the smart thing. He hopped into a taxi. Good idea, except for the fact that instead of climbing into a taxi, he got into a parked police car. With the cops inside. Oops. He’s busted!

They Must Have Been One Their Way To Willie Nelson’s For Christmas

Bozo criminals for today come from Omaha, Nebraska, where police officers pulled over a vehicle for failing to signal a turn. As he approached the vehicle, he noticed a strong odor of marijuana. Inside were two bozos, an 80-year-old man and his 83-year-old wife. After the cop discovered boxes of marijuana in the pickup topper, they offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Holiday Season. They told him the marijuana was for Christmas presents. It was going to be one heck of a Christmas. They were charged with felony possession of $336,000 worth of marijuana. Busted!

This Deal Went Up In Smoke

Our bozo story for today comes from Teller County, Colorado, where the local sheriff had a vehicle he wanted to sell, so he posted it on Craig’s List. He quickly got a reply from bozo Shaun Martin, who made a rather unusual offer to buy the car. Instead of cash, he offered to pay with “four pounds of home-grown black market marijuana.” To prove he was serious, he also texted pictures of the pot. This was an offer the sheriff couldn’t refuse. He set up a meeting with two undercover detectives and when our bozo showed up, pot in hand, he was busted!

At Least They Gave His Post a “Like”

Bozo criminal for today from Ascension Parish, Louisiana, must have thought he was invisible. Bozo James Thompson was wanted on an outstanding bench warrant for failure to pay child support. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he logged on to the sheriff’s department Facebook page, giving it one star out of five and posting “how long is it gonna take yall dumb ***** to find me?” And as if that wasn’t enough, he also posted a photo of his residence with an arrow pointing to his home. Bad, bad idea. The cops headed to his residence and placed him under arrest. And they also posted a big Thank You on their Facebook page thanking him for reminding them about his outstanding warrant.

Cindy Lou Will Be So Proud

Bozo criminal for today comes from Byram, Mississippi, where the cops received a rather strange phone call. A five-year-old boy was on the other end of the line and he told the officer that someone was stealing Christmas presents and he wanted to report him in hopes that the cops could arrest him before he stole the presents from his house. After getting all the details, the officers decided this was a serious situation that would require a trip to the neighborhood to investigate. After looking around, the cops decided to head over to the little guy’s house to give him the good news. “You have saved Christmas for the people of Byram,” the officer told him. “Your bravery is unmatched. You have saved the day.” We forgot to tell you one thing. The little boy was watching “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and decided to call the cops and have them arrest the Grinch before he could do any more damage, which they did. Who-ville is safe once again.

We Hear Walmart Is Hiring

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntington, West Virginia, where the cops and the fire department were called to a report of a fire at a local strip club. A bystander, who had called the cops, told them there was a suspicious man who had told him to “leave the fire alone and mind your own business.” The cops found the man in question nearby and, upon questioning, discovered his girlfriend worked as a dancer at the club and he didn’t approve of it. When she refused to quit, he did what any bozo would do, he set the place on fire. She’s out of a job and he’s under arrest.

First, Be Sure You Actually Know How To Drive a Paddleboat

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Orlando, Florida. Cops were called at 3:45 am to a report of a man stranded on the fountain in Lake Eola. Further investigation found that our bozo had stolen one of the lake’s swan shaped paddle boats and then discovered he couldn’t steer it and wound up stranded on the island. Needless to say, alcohol was involved. He’s under arrest.

Doggone It, Mom, I Really Needed Some Clean Underwear

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Las Vegas, Nevada, where authorities were called to a report of a residence on fire. Firefighters were able to rescue an elderly woman from the home and that was when they found out the fire was the result of a bozo. The woman explained that she was tired of doing laundry for her no-good son and, after an argument over her refusal to wash his clothes, he started the fire. She directed them to a car nearby, where they found our bozo hiding underneath. He’s been charged with arson and attempted murder.

Hopefully She Was Using the Phone To Call Her Lawyer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Northport, New York, where bozo Diana Fletcher was scheduled to appear in court on a marijuana possession charge. We’re not sure, but maybe she was running late when she cut off an unmarked police car when she pulled into the parking lot, while talking on her cellphone. Strike one. She then pulled into a parking space clearly labeled as reserved for the Chief of Police. Strike two. Then, when she rolled down her window to talk to approaching police officers, marijuana smoke billowed out. Strike three. She’s been charged with a new marijuana possession charge as well as a charge of illegally using a cellphone while driving.

You Don’t Want To Mess With This Stuff, Yogi

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Jordan, Utah where our bozo apparently had plans for breaking into a residence. We say apparently, because he didn’t get very far. The homeowner had motion detectors installed and was awoken around 2:30 am. So he grabbed his trusty can of bear mace and sprang into action. He chased our bozo down the street, spraying him several times with the potent stuff intended to keep bears at bay. After the second spray, our bozo threw his hands up and dropped to the ground, where he remained until the police arrived.

Trump Couldn’t Reach Godzilla, So He Called This Guy

Bozo criminal for today comes from Parkland, Washington, where the cops were called to a report of a man standing in the middle of an intersection and waving an AK47 rifle. The man eventually laid down his weapon and was handcuffed after being tased. After being taken into custody he told the cops he had snorted methamphetamine to lose weight but then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he had been contacted by Donald Trump and told to fight the “lizard people”, and he had just stopped in the middle of the intersection to warn everyone. He added, “The meth doesn’t make me crazy man, the lizard people are real!’ After telling him the lizard people were “fake news”, he was taken in for evaluation.

So This Is What I Get For Being Polite?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eagle, Colorado, where bozo Jose Barrera was called before the judge for violating parole on a drug charge. As he approached the judge, he removed his hat. Wise move, right? Wrong. When he took off his hat, a wad of paper filled with cocaine fell to the floor. Big oopsie. After surveillance footage revealed the coke did indeed fall from our bozo’s cap, he was charged with narcotics possession.

Walk Out With Your Hands Up…On Second Thought, Keep Your Hands Down

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in New Delhi, India. Passengers on a public transportation bus felt threatened after our bozo did something that made them uncomfortable. So, maybe he pulled a gun? Nope? Waved a knife around? Nah. Sat down and removed his shoes and socks? Yep. The stench was so bad that passengers complained to the bus driver, forcing him to pull over. After our bozo refused to get rid of the stinky footwear, the cops were called and he was arrested, charged with “causing a public nuisance.”

Guess You Could Say He Found His Booty

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club and from the International File in Melbourne, Australia. Our bozo had obviously staked out his target before pulling off his heist. Security cameras show him pulling up in a white van with his face hidden by a ski mask. He then hacked at a security barrier with a fire extinguisher and bolt cutters before gaining entry. He went straight to his target, grabbed his prize and ran out the door. Oh, did we forget to tell you what his prize was? It was Dorothy, a lifelike $5000 sex doll. Police are on the lookout for a criminal with a big smile on his face.

Guess He Was Looking For An Early Christmas Present

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fort Worth, Texas. We all know that serving on a jury can cause stress for the people on trial, but it’s no picnic for the jurors either. It seems a female attorney switched from her “walking” shoes to her “heels” after entering the courthouse. In her haste, she forgot to pick up her walking shoes and left them behind. A juror who was on break saw the whole thing and must have really liked those shoes. He approached the shoes, and seeing no one around, grabbed them and stuffed them in his backpack. Unfortunately for him, the whole thing was caught on security cams. Guards approached him, and after a quick discussion, he agreed to hand them over. After considering ordering a mistrial, the judge reinstated the juror and no charges were filed.

And After That, He Planned to Replace All the Red Lights With Green Ones

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Lianyungang, Jiangsu province, China. It seems our bozo was frustrated with delays on his daily commute so he thought he would take traffic control into his own hands. He painted over a left turn lane arrow and turned it into a “straight” arrow rather than a “left turn only” one. Bad idea. Police got wind of what was going on and caught him in the act. He’s been fined $151 and advised to find another route to work.