Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

First, Be Sure You Actually Know How To Drive a Paddleboat

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Orlando, Florida. Cops were called at 3:45 am to a report of a man stranded on the fountain in Lake Eola. Further investigation found that our bozo had stolen one of the lake’s swan shaped paddle boats and then discovered he couldn’t steer it and wound up stranded on the island. Needless to say, alcohol was involved. He’s under arrest.

Doggone It, Mom, I Really Needed Some Clean Underwear

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Las Vegas, Nevada, where authorities were called to a report of a residence on fire. Firefighters were able to rescue an elderly woman from the home and that was when they found out the fire was the result of a bozo. The woman explained that she was tired of doing laundry for her no-good son and, after an argument over her refusal to wash his clothes, he started the fire. She directed them to a car nearby, where they found our bozo hiding underneath. He’s been charged with arson and attempted murder.

Hopefully She Was Using the Phone To Call Her Lawyer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Northport, New York, where bozo Diana Fletcher was scheduled to appear in court on a marijuana possession charge. We’re not sure, but maybe she was running late when she cut off an unmarked police car when she pulled into the parking lot, while talking on her cellphone. Strike one. She then pulled into a parking space clearly labeled as reserved for the Chief of Police. Strike two. Then, when she rolled down her window to talk to approaching police officers, marijuana smoke billowed out. Strike three. She’s been charged with a new marijuana possession charge as well as a charge of illegally using a cellphone while driving.

You Don’t Want To Mess With This Stuff, Yogi

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Jordan, Utah where our bozo apparently had plans for breaking into a residence. We say apparently, because he didn’t get very far. The homeowner had motion detectors installed and was awoken around 2:30 am. So he grabbed his trusty can of bear mace and sprang into action. He chased our bozo down the street, spraying him several times with the potent stuff intended to keep bears at bay. After the second spray, our bozo threw his hands up and dropped to the ground, where he remained until the police arrived.

Trump Couldn’t Reach Godzilla, So He Called This Guy

Bozo criminal for today comes from Parkland, Washington, where the cops were called to a report of a man standing in the middle of an intersection and waving an AK47 rifle. The man eventually laid down his weapon and was handcuffed after being tased. After being taken into custody he told the cops he had snorted methamphetamine to lose weight but then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he had been contacted by Donald Trump and told to fight the “lizard people”, and he had just stopped in the middle of the intersection to warn everyone. He added, “The meth doesn’t make me crazy man, the lizard people are real!’ After telling him the lizard people were “fake news”, he was taken in for evaluation.

So This Is What I Get For Being Polite?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eagle, Colorado, where bozo Jose Barrera was called before the judge for violating parole on a drug charge. As he approached the judge, he removed his hat. Wise move, right? Wrong. When he took off his hat, a wad of paper filled with cocaine fell to the floor. Big oopsie. After surveillance footage revealed the coke did indeed fall from our bozo’s cap, he was charged with narcotics possession.

Walk Out With Your Hands Up…On Second Thought, Keep Your Hands Down

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in New Delhi, India. Passengers on a public transportation bus felt threatened after our bozo did something that made them uncomfortable. So, maybe he pulled a gun? Nope? Waved a knife around? Nah. Sat down and removed his shoes and socks? Yep. The stench was so bad that passengers complained to the bus driver, forcing him to pull over. After our bozo refused to get rid of the stinky footwear, the cops were called and he was arrested, charged with “causing a public nuisance.”

Guess You Could Say He Found His Booty

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club and from the International File in Melbourne, Australia. Our bozo had obviously staked out his target before pulling off his heist. Security cameras show him pulling up in a white van with his face hidden by a ski mask. He then hacked at a security barrier with a fire extinguisher and bolt cutters before gaining entry. He went straight to his target, grabbed his prize and ran out the door. Oh, did we forget to tell you what his prize was? It was Dorothy, a lifelike $5000 sex doll. Police are on the lookout for a criminal with a big smile on his face.

Guess He Was Looking For An Early Christmas Present

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fort Worth, Texas. We all know that serving on a jury can cause stress for the people on trial, but it’s no picnic for the jurors either. It seems a female attorney switched from her “walking” shoes to her “heels” after entering the courthouse. In her haste, she forgot to pick up her walking shoes and left them behind. A juror who was on break saw the whole thing and must have really liked those shoes. He approached the shoes, and seeing no one around, grabbed them and stuffed them in his backpack. Unfortunately for him, the whole thing was caught on security cams. Guards approached him, and after a quick discussion, he agreed to hand them over. After considering ordering a mistrial, the judge reinstated the juror and no charges were filed.

And After That, He Planned to Replace All the Red Lights With Green Ones

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Lianyungang, Jiangsu province, China. It seems our bozo was frustrated with delays on his daily commute so he thought he would take traffic control into his own hands. He painted over a left turn lane arrow and turned it into a “straight” arrow rather than a “left turn only” one. Bad idea. Police got wind of what was going on and caught him in the act. He’s been fined $151 and advised to find another route to work.