Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

He Had Plans To Pick Off Those Mice, One By One

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newport, Oregon, where the cops were called to a report of an armed suspect up in a tree. The cops arrived and what they found may not have been exactly what they expected. Visible perched on the branches was a black and white cat with his paw draped over a gun-shaped stick. After determining the cat posed no threat, he was removed from the tree and let go with a stern warning.

Maybe She Should Have Tried Using It To Buy Popcorn

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cheektowaga, New York, where the cops were called to the local Restaurant Depot store. Employees there had detained a woman who they said was attempting to buy a jar of mayonnaise using what appeared to be a counterfeit $100 bill. Upon closer inspection, the cops discovered it was obviously bogus, with the words “for motion picture use only” printed in bold letters on the money. Yep, she was trying to use a movie prop to buy some Hellmann’s. She’s been charged with possession of a forged instrument.

The Colonel Just Can’t Compare

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wanneroo, Western Australia. Police there noticed a man speeding and when he ran a red light, they pulled him over. And that’s when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he ran the light because he was in a hurry to pick up some fried chicken for his kids at Nando’s, a local chicken place. While Nando’s may be tasty, it’s no excuse for speeding. He was issued a $227 fine and told to take it easy on his chicken run.

Well, It Was Riding a Little Rough

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Val-des-Monts, Quebec, Canada. Our bozo was pulled over by the cops for driving his 1999 Toyota Tercel without functioning brake lights, but it was what else the cops discovered that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He had tried to use an oil soaked burning rag as a substitute for the light, but it suffered a malfunction. The cops also found the car had three bald tires, no windshield wipers and he had an open container of beer inside the car. But, there’s more! Under the car, they found the man had removed the shocks and had created a makeshift suspension using logs and chicken wire. Yikes! He was ticketed for the open beer and for various safety issues on the car, which was impounded.

But It Was My Nappy Time

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Orleans, Louisiana, where our unidentified crook entered through an unlocked window at Clara’s Little Lambs Preschool about 11 P.M. Security footage shows him wandering around before finally heading to the break room for a snack. And, of course, what do you need after a nice meal? A nice nap, of course. Video footage shows him gathering up a bunch of stuffed animals and making himself a makeshift bed and going to sleep. About 6:40 he is seen crawling out through the same window. Cops are helping for help in identifying sleeping beauty.

Let’s See…I’m In Drake’s House…I Think I’ll Steal…Pepsi!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Calabasas, California, where cops were called to a break-in at a residence. But this wasn’t just any residence and it certainly wasn’t just any robbery. When the police arrived they found our unidentified 24 year old bozo making herself at home inside the residence belonging to the very popular singer Drake, who wasn’t there at the time. She was wearing one of his hoodies and enjoying a soda. Further investigation failed to find anything else that had been disturbed. As best as could be determined, all she had taken was some Fiji water, a couple of Pepsis and a Sprite. Doesn’t matter. She’s been charged with felony burglary.

She Definitely Doesn’t Have a Future As a Plumber

While we haven’t been able to find any criminal activity in our report today from New Caney, Texas, we do have a violation of Bozo Rule Number 0011150: It’s usually not a good idea to try to unstop a toilet with your bare hands. It seems bozo Joyce Henderson had been having numerous problems with the plumbing in her new home. Things came to a head when her toilet got clogged and she didn’t have a plunger handy. So, she did what any bozo would do. She reached her hand down into the toilet to try to free the clog. Bad idea. Her hand got stuck and, try as she might, she couldn’t pull it out. A friend called firefighters and, to add insult to injury, videoed the whole thing and posted it to Facebook. After being unable to remove our bozo’s arm, the firefighters removed the toilet and took it outside, where they busted it with a sledgehammer. And that’s what you call a crappy day.

That Was An Interesting Pat-Down

Bozo criminal for today had a rather unique approach to try to cover up her shoplifting. A pet boa constrictor. Police were called to a report of shoplifting at a local store. When they arrived, they confronted our bozo in the parking lot and she explained to them that the reason she looked rather “lumpy” was because she had a boa constrictor under her shirt. Police did indeed find the snake, wrapped in a small blanket, under her clothing, but unfortunately for her, they also found a couple of lighters that she was accused of stealing. She offered up the excuse that she “forgot” to pay. She was also found to have an outstanding warrant. She and the snake were taken into custody.

But Other Than That, the Trailer Was In Good Shape

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Elizabeth Park, Australia. The cops were called to a report of a vehicle towing a dangerous load, but even the officers were surprised with what they found. A small car dragging a massive (and we do mean massive) rainwater collection tank on a broken down trailer attached to an unlicensed car. To make matters worse the trailer had no license plate, no taillights or turn indicators, no tire at all on one of the trailer’s wheels and was merely tied to the trailer hitch of the car with a strap. Not surprisingly our bozo was found to be under the influence, testing positive for methamphetamine. He’s busted!

Maybe Next Time Bring a Rubber Band

Bozo criminal for today from Springettsbury Township, Pennsylvania violated not one, but two Bozo Rules. #446672: A bicycle is not a proper getaway vehicle and #876335: Bring a sturdy sack. Our bozo robbed a credit union, getting away with an undetermined amount of cash. He stuffed the money in his pockets and headed out the door, climbing on his bicycle and pedaling away. He didn’t get very far before the money started falling out of his pockets, scattering all over the ground and sidewalk. He is seen on video stopping to pick up what he could before pedaling off. Armed with good security camera footage the cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Well, If Not a Leash, At Least a Halter

There is definitely some bozo activity involved in our story today from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, we’re just not sure exactly who is at fault. It all began when Jerry Carson took his two ball pythons to a local park for a little meet and greet with the public. Not surprisingly, not everyone was thrilled with his actions and when he set his snakes down on the grass for a bathroom break, he was approached by an animal control officer. The officer told him the snakes needed to be on a leash and promptly fined him $190 for “animals running at large.” Citing the fact that there are no known manufacturers of snake leashes, Mr. Carson plans to appeal.

But All I Asked You To Do Was Look For a Burglar!

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Fort Myers, Florida, where police responded to a call from a homeowner who said his house appeared to have been targeted in a break-in. The cops said the homeowner was agitated and asked the cops to go inside and check out the house to make sure it was safe to enter. Good idea, right? Wrong. Apparently the homeowner forgot he was using the home as a marijuana grow house. The cops found pot plants growing in the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Oops. He’s busted!

Guess He Had No One With Him To Hold the Beer

Bozo criminal for today from Woodstock, Connecticut comes from the Dress for Failure file. Police were called to a report of an accident where someone had crashed into a retaining wall. Our bozo was found to be uninjured and it was his wardrobe choice that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He was wearing a t shirt that said, “Hold my beer and watch this!” He’s been charged with DUI, driving an unregistered vehicle and failure to drive in the proper lane.

You Say You’re a Cop? LOL!!

Bozo criminal for today from Auburn, California, proves once again that bozos and modern technology are a dangerous combination, especially for the bozo. Our bozo drug dealer Rachel Knox decided to text a potential drug buyer rather than simply calling him. Bad idea. Instead she texted a Placer County sheriff’s deputy. The cops set up a sting to buy drugs from her and our bozo is now in jail.

Got All the Information You Need? OK. This Is a Robbery

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California, where bozo Alvin Nash walked into a bank and swiped his debit card at the teller window. So far, so good. But then, he told the teller this was a robbery and she should had over the cash, which she did. He quickly made his getaway. It was a brief one, since all the cops had to do was check the name and address on his account. The account that he revealed to the teller when he swiped his card. Oops. He’s busted!

His “I’m With Stupid” Shirt Was Dirty

Our bozo for today from Newville, Pennsylvania, comes from the Truth In Advertising Department. The cops pulled over bozo Edward Graham after noticing him driving erratically. He was arrested after his blood alcohol test showed him to be two and a half times over the legal limit. It was his choice of attire that landed him in the Bozo Report. He was wearing a “Drunk Lives Matter” T-shirt.

Drop the Weapon, Barney!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cocoa Beach, Florida, where the cops were called to a disturbance at a park. When they arrived they found our bozo, brandishing a rifle and wearing a dinosaur suit with a SWAT team-like tactical vest. T-Rex was quickly disarmed by the officers and, when explaining his outfit, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers that he was hoping to take part in a “flash mob” of armed dinosaurs at the park. Apparently he was the only one who showed up. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct and wearing a mask while committing an offense in a public park.

Next Time Just Paint a Picture

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany, where a man was taking a walk in an industrial area. He was startled when he heard a loud bang and a round projectile whizzed past his head, hitting a nearby lamppost. Not sure what was going on, he called the cops, who, after doing a little investigating, found our bozo perp. He then came up with one of the most unusual Bozo Excuses ever. He told the cops he was an “artist” and he was working on an art project for the Antarctic. The project? Using a compressed air cannon to shoot coconuts into the air. We’re not exactly sure how that qualified as art or what the Antarctic had to do with it. The cops didn’t understand either. The cannon was impounded and our bozo was charged with violating arms control laws.

Yet Another Use For Duct Tape

Our bozos for today come from Houston, Texas, where the cops were called to a report of a man duct taped to a yield sign. That sounds strange enough but things got even weirder after they arrived. They did indeed find a man taped up tight to the sign at a busy intersection. They then saw a man with a large knife approaching the our taped up bozo. After the cops threatened to Tase him, the man dropped the knife and explained the whole thing. Apparently our taped up bozo had lost a bet to the man over the outcome of the Houston Rockets Golden State Warriors basketball game and he was coming to free him. The understanding cops gave our bozo bettors a stern warning not to do it again and even gave the taped up guy a free ride home.