Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

A Real Do-It Yourselfer

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Perth, Australia. Here’s the bozo scenario: you have no driver’s license and the car you have is unroadworthy so you can’t get it registered. But you still need to drive around, so what do you do? You buy a pack of dry erase board markers and do a little artwork on the side and back of the car. Yep, she hand lettered “POLICE” on the side of her beat-up Hyundai. That shouldn’t attract any attention, right? Wrong. Maybe she can take some art classes in jail.

The Wrong Time Of the Month

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in this dandy from St. Petersburg, Florida. Bozo Tacora Harper was involved in a brawl and the cops were called. As the officer approached, our bozo made threatening statements to the cop. When he got closer, she did something he had never seen before and it’s certainly something the likes of which we’ve never reported before on the Bozo Criminal of the Day. As he got near, she opened her pants, removed her tampon and hurled it at the officer. The missile struck the officer in the shoulder. We would like to say he was bloodied but unbowed, but cannot confirm this for certain. As our bozo tried to flee, the officer whipped out his stun gun and arrested her. She’s in jail, charged with assault.

The Toll Is Based On the Number of Humps

Our bozo for today comes from the International File In Chongqing, China where a man approached a tollbooth with a camel. An argument ensued over the toll charge for taking the camel across the bridge. When no agreement could be reached, the man did what any bozo would do. He left the camel in the tollbooth and walked to a nearby restaurant to get himself something to eat. After the tollbooth employees couldn’t get the camel to budge, the cops were called. Our bozo was tracked down and ordered to remove the camel and pay a fine.

You And Your Plane Are Grounded

Our bozo for today from Florence, South Carolina, has had his wings clipped. Our 17-year-old bozo was in class at the local high school when he did something that kids have been doing forever. He was bored, so he made a paper airplane out of notebook paper and let it fly. Unfortunately, this particular airplane headed straight for the teacher, hitting him in the eye. While the teacher didn’t suffer permanent injury, his eye was reported to be “very red” and he was quite upset, as he had recently had eye surgery. After a quick trip to the principal’s office, it was decided that further punishment would be necessary. The cops were called and our paper airplane throwing bozo now faces third degree assault and battery charges.

Welcome the Baby With A Bang!

We have a case today of an accidental bozo but his actions caused him to end up in trouble with the law anyway. From Scottsbluff, Nebraska, comes the story of bozo couple Jon and Ashley Landers who wanted to do something creative to reveal the gender of their upcoming baby to the world. So bozo Jon set up an explosive target which, when hit with a bullet, would explode in a cloud of blue chalk. Of course, they videoed the whole thing, showing him shouting, “It’s a boy!” as the target exploded. No problem, right? Wrong. The explosion was perhaps louder than they anticipated, as neighbors called the cops to report everything from a house exploding to a car engine blowing out. After investigating, the sheriff charged our bozo father-to-be with setting off an explosive without a state permit, which carries a fine of up to $1000 and up to a year in jail. Pops has apologized for the “pop.”

Just Chillin’

We have a new president, and not everyone is happy with the new chief executive, which leads us to our bozo for today from Big Pine Key, Florida. Our bozo, 30-year-old Elizabeth Nelson, spotted a Trump sign in the window of a business. She whipped out a knife and slashed it into pieces. She then allegedly threatened the owners of the business, which led to the cops being called. It was her explanation for her actions that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told the cops she slashed the sign because it “ruined her chill.” OK. She’s chillin’ in jail, facing charges including aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

But To Be Fair, It Was a Really Nice Tattoo

Bozo criminal for today comes from Flint, Michigan. Bozo Robert Clark really, really wanted a new tattoo, but he was a little short of cash. So, he did what any poor bozo would do. He stole a couple of guns to pay for it. He picked out his new tattoo and traded the gun to the artist in exchange for the ink. Thinking this was a rather strange transaction, the tattoo shop owner informed the cops. Further investigation found that our bozo was also on probation at the time. Oops. His next tat will be of the jailhouse variety. He’s looking at 10 years.

But, He’s Pardoned Everybody Else!

Our bozo for today obviously has gotten caught up in presidential politics and thought he would get in on the recent wave of pardons issued by outgoing President Obama. Bozo Marcus Wallace had served two years on charges of stealing valuable works of art. So, he did what any bozo would do. He stole a car, drove from Miami to Washington and demanded to speak to Attorney General Eric Holder. Among the numerous flaws in his plan was the fact the Holder is no longer AG, Loretta Lynch is. Oh, and that stolen car was a big mistake, too. The cops spotted him outside a Starbucks in Virginia an placed him under arrest.

He Missed Getting Away By a Hair

Bozo criminal for today from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, brings up seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 3403930: Crime and fashion statements don’t mix. Cops in Pittsburgh had received several reports of a man vandalizing cars. Checking surveillance cameras, they found several videos showing a man kicking the sides of cars and breaking off the mirrors. The one thing that stood out in the videos was that he wore his hair in a “man bun.” His rather unique hairstyle led to a positive ID by several of the residents. He can get a new style cheap from the jailhouse barber.

Freeze! And Drop the Cucumber!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Glasgow, Scotland, where our unidentified bozo brandished one of the strangest weapons ever. He walked into a store and pointed a cucumber, which he had concealed in a black sock, at a clerk and demanded cash. The clerk declined and our bozo headed for the exit where he was stopped by an off-duty police officer who had seen the whole thing. He tried to claim it was all a joke, but the judge didn’t see it that way. He was convicted of assault with intent to rob.

And While You’re At It, Can You Turn Down The Brightness On That Moon?

Our bozo for today from Niagara Falls, New York, is not a criminal but she certainly provided us with a unique story. A Niagara Falls police dispatcher relayed a call she had received to officers on patrol. A woman on the other end of the line asked the dispatcher if the cops could stop the wind from blowing so she could get some sleep. After being advised that the police had no jurisdiction over Mother Nature, the woman hung up.

Say What?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany, where bozo Klaus Raschke walked into a bank and demanded cash. He flashed a pistol but soon began acting strangely. One of the tellers asked him if he needed a bag for the money and our bozo replied, “Yep, it’s a real gun.” Putting two and two together, the bank employees realized our bozo was deaf and decided to take a chance and set off the alarm. Our bozo didn’t notice the piercing alarm and continued to wait patiently for his cash. He was still waiting when the cops arrived and took him into custody.

Seriously, This Was the Best Place You Could Find To Hide?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bingham Township, Michigan, where it’s been cold this winter. Police were called to a report of a vehicle in the roadway with no lights on and no one around. The complainant called dispatch again and said someone was wandering around a shed after apparently driving the truck in question into the shed. The cops then followed tracks from the shed to a nearby frozen ditch. After seeing evidence that someone had broken the ice and had crawled into the culvert, emergency teams were called who extracted our very cold bozo from his hiding place. He was treated for hypothermia before being taken to the county jail.

This One Was Easy To ID

Bozo criminal for today comes from KIssimmee, Florida, where bozo Milton Hampton attempted a robbery at the local Lowe’s store, threatening a clerk with a pair of scissors. Other employees and shoppers came to the clerk’s rescue and our bozo fled, jumping over a fence and onto the grounds of a nearby resort. Once inside, he carjacked a golf cart from a security guard. But his crime spree was soon to come to an end, as the cops quickly arrived. And as far as finding our bozo, the cops said it was very simple. He was the only guy there wearing clothes. Yep, when our bozo fled, he jumped over a fence and onto the grounds of the Cypress Cove Nudist Resort. He’s busted!

Next Time Stick To Robbing Convenience Stores Like Everyone Else

Bozo criminal for today comes from Deerfield Beach, Florida where our bozo made a number of mistakes in his attempts to break into a store. First, he didn’t realize the store had a sturdy door, as it didn’t break when he threw a rock at it. Then, he kicked the door and tried to push it open, to no avail. Seeing that this burglary was going nowhere, he then walked away. End of story, right? Wrong. We failed to tell you that the store he was trying to break into was Spy Spot Investigations, a store that specializes in selling hidden cameras. Oops. Of course he was caught on camera by any number of cameras that the store had set up around the perimeter of the building. Armed with a really nice picture, the cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Another Reason to Love Thy Neighbor!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Longview, Texas, where the cops received a 911 call from a man complaining about his neighbor. The police arrived on the scene, but no one answered the front door. After finding the back door open, the cops went in and that’s when our bozo’s problems really started. Inside, the cops found a large amount of marijuana spread out on a table. All totaled, there was 2.3 pounds of marijuana sealed in plastic bags and pickle jars. When our bozo returned home a short time later he was busted! No word on what the problem was with the neighbor.

Well, It Has a Nice Beat, But You Can’t Dance To It

Our bozo story for today is a classic case of mistaken identity. The cleaning crew working at a credit union in Lake Jackson, Texas, noticed a U-Haul truck pull up around 1:45 PM on New Year’s Day. When several men emerged carrying weapons and wearing ski masks, the crew assumed the worst and called the cops. The police quickly arrived and ordered the men to drop the weapons and get on the ground. And that’s when their real intent became clear. They identified themselves as aspiring rappers Tru Keezy and Yung Groovey and explained to the cops that they were shooting a music video with a bank robbery theme outside the credit union.
After it was determined that the guns were not loaded our rappers were released without further incident.

Not a Sweet Deal

Bozo criminal for today comes from Springfield, Missouri, where bozo Suzanne Clark was not satisfied with a purchase she made. So, she took her complaint directly to the cops. Which might have been OK except for what it was she wasn’t satisfied with. After calling the police, she told them she had paid $40 for crack cocaine and had been given sugar instead. But she wasn’t done. She demanded the cops arrest her dealer and secure a refund for her purchase. After being unable to track down her dealer, the cops visited our bozo victim and, after finding her in possession of a crack pipe, placed her under arrest.

Watch Out For That…Pothole!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Kuras for sending in today’s report from Sterling Heights, Michigan. The cops were called to a report of a burglary in progress at a local coffee shop. They arrived in time to see our bozo smash the glass door and enter the business. He then ignored officers calls to halt and attempted to flee in his SUV, damaging two police cars and nearly running over an officer in the process. It was his escape route that got him into trouble. He headed east on 15 Mile Road, in the direction of a large 250 foot long, 100 foot wide sinkhole, caused by a collapsed sewer line. And, you guessed it, he drove right into it. Oops. He was arrested after he tried to climb out and flee on foot.