Bozo criminal for today is the lowest of the low. Jonathan Sawyer of Albuquerque, New Mexico broke into a residence and stole someone’s frozen dinners. Now, taking food is bad enough, but this deed was even more dastardly. Bozo Jonathan broke into his grandmother’s home and stole his own granny’s TV dinners. Shame. And on top of that, he stuck his thumb in the eye of a deputy as he tried to escape. He was found to be in possession of a gun and several glass pipes with drug residue. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Sacramento, California. The popular local restaurant Mother was closed Saturday afternoon and the security cameras were on while an employee finished cleaning up. That’s when our bozo sneaked in through a back door, crept behind a counter and then went into the kitchen. He then grabbed a large shaker of powdered sugar and started sprinkling it all over himself. When he was sufficiently covered, he then picked up a stapler and started stapling together take-out containers. The employee spotted Mr. Sugar Man and called the cops. He was rinsed off and arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Worcester, Massachusetts, where bozo Jane Morton was locked up when a court officer went into one of the neighboring cells. Then next thing he knew, a projectile was headed his way, hitting him in the chest and splashing an unknown liquid onto his face. Further investigation revealed our bozo had dipped her lunch, a sandwich, into the toilet before throwing it at the man. Ick. Our bozo now faces charges of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.
Our bozo for today comes from Greenfield, Wisconsin, where a family was taken hostage in their own home by another family member. Fearing for her safety, the wife managed to sneak a quick call to 911 and police officers were dispatched. When the police arrived, the situation was not what they expected. The family was being held hostage by the family cat, who was very angry. Apparently the cat had attacked the husband just before the cops were called. Animal control corralled kitty who was taken into custody for observation.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File in Toronto, Canada, where bozo Daniel Fox stepped onto a Toronto Transit bus at 12:30 a.m., and pulled a knife on the driver. Nope, he wasn’t looking for cash. Instead, he told the driver to take him to the nearest Tim Hortons, an extremely popular donut shop. And he told him to make it snappy, forcing him to run several red lights in the process. We’re not sure if he grabbed himself a few Timbits first, but after he had been inside for a while he called 911 and turned himself in. He’s been charged with assault with a weapon, mischief endangering life, forcible confinement, uttering threats and taking a motor vehicle without consent.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Pennsylvania, where bozo Zachary Jacobs broke into a residence. But this was any ordinary break-in, as our bozo liked the place so much he decided to make himself at home. He first raided the refrigerator and made himself a meal. Then, it was off to the closets where he tried on their clothes until he found just the right outfit for himself. And then, he took a look at the interior design of the house and decided it wasn’t to his liking so he started moving furniture around. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to throw a couple of knives at the ceiling, where they stuck. And that’s how the owners of the house found the place when they returned home two days later. The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest. He’ll find limited design options in his cell.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson, Mississippi, where 67-year-old Cliff Henderson liked fried chicken. Really, really liked fried chicken. Just couldn’t get enough of the stuff. So, he decided the best thing to do was obtain the birds in bulk and cook it himself. It was his bozo approach to obtaining the chicken that landed him on the Bozo Report. Our bozo climbed aboard his bicycle around 5 a.m. and headed down to the local Church’s Chicken. He broke into the place, stole three boxes of frozen chicken, loaded them onto his bicycle and pedaled off. Not surprisingly a man with three boxes of chicken precariously balanced on the handlebars of a bicycle at five in the morning attracted some attention. The cops were called and after a very slow speed chase, our bozo was apprehended and placed under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today from Indian Shores, Florida, had some pot and they needed to sell it so they hatched a plan. 1. Obtain a van. 2. Load with an ample supply of pot. 3. Include the tools of the trade, including a digital scale, rolling papers and zip top plastic bags. 4. Find a nice open area to park and set up shop. After doing all this, item number five was added to the list. 5. Take a nap. But it wasn’t the nap that really sealed their fate. It was the nice open area they decided to park in. It was the police department parking lot. Oops. They’re busted.
Our bozo for today comes from Boulder, Colorado, where the security staff at the County Justice Center thought they had seen everything. Until our bozo showed up with his backpack. The X-ray machine operator took a good look at his belongings. Cell phone. Ok. Earbuds. Ok. Some change. Ok. Iguana. Huh? Yep, our bozo just couldn’t bear to be separated from his pet iguana for even a few minutes, so he stuffed him in his backpack and tried to bring him into the center. Security guards pointed out the “Only service animals allowed” sign applies to iguanas. Neither or bozo nor his lizard were allowed inside.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Smith Falls, Ontario, Canada. Our unidentified 39-year-old bozo dressed in a wig, glasses, and “clothing suited to an older woman.” So now she was ready to pull of a daring bank robbery, right? Nope. Maybe hold up the local convenience store? Nah. Take a driving test for her 73-year -old mother? Yep. Apparently Mom couldn’t pass the test, so bozo daughter thought she’d help her out. Her disguise didn’t fool the cop administering the exam. She’s been charged with one count of impersonating an adult.
It’s been a fightin’ kind of week at the Bozo Criminal Report. After yesterday’s gas attack, today we have this. Police and firefighters were called to a report of a fight at a residence in Brockton, Ontario, Canada. Upon arrival, they found a woman involved in a very heated argument with her boyfriend’s father and it appeared that the dispute could turn physical at any moment. The man was so enraged that he started throwing things into the campfire, including a cylinder filled with propane. Cooler heads prevailed and after a time the cops were able to determine the source of the argument, which is what landed them in the Bozo Hall of Fame. The woman took the position that the world was flat while the man argued that it was round. Neither would accept the other’s point of view, and the man simply ended up walking away. He faces a criminal mischief charge for tossing the propane cylinder into the fire. She’s been sentenced to spend some time in geography class.
Sloppy Joe’s Bar in Key West, Florida, has a long and storied history, dating back to 1933, but never before has its name been mentioned in the Bozo Criminal Report. Until today. Apparently a disagreement arose between two couples enjoying beverages in the bar. The disagreement escalated and one of our bozos was punched in the face and another suffered a dislocated shoulder. The cops were called and our bozos were interrogated. So what was the cause? Perhaps someone pulled a knife? Nope. Someone insulted one of the women? Nah. Someone farted? Yep. Police determined the whole thing was the result of an argument over who farted. Cooler heads prevailed, Febreze was sprayed everywhere, and no charges were filed.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Eagle Point, Oregon, where bozo Victorino Gomez grabbed a bicycle parked in front of the local Wal-Mart and attempted to pedal away. He was struggling with the bike gears when a rancher who was loading dog food and a camping tent into his truck spotted him. The rancher simply did what comes natural. He got his horse, Long John, out of the trailer, saddled up, and rode over to the man who was still trying to work the bike’s gears. Our hero took out his rope and lassoed our bozo. He tightened the rope and dragged our bozo to a safe place where he remained tightly bound until the cops arrived.
Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and families of the Orlando attacks today.
The Bozo Report will return tomorrow.
Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada, violated Bozo Rule Number 897787: If you are going to dine and dash, don’t leave anything behind, especially your kid. Our bozo couple ran up a bill of $135 at the local restaurant and then hurriedly left without paying. Unfortunately, they also left without their 10-year-old daughter, who was still at the table. The cops caught up with our intoxicated bozos nearby. They were arrested and the little girl was taken into the care of Child and Family Services.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Wilmington, Delaware. Our bozo seemed to have the perfect plan. He drove to the bank he had targeted, parked his getaway car nearby, grabbed his gun, and entered the building. Pointing the gun at a teller, he demanded cash, which she gave to him. He then turned and walked out of the bank. So far so good. He sprinted to his getaway car, no doubt already planning what he was going to do with all that cash. He then pulled the handle on the car door. Wouldn’t open. Locked. Quick, try the passenger door. Locked. Check pocket of jeans. No keys anywhere. Panic. Run. He didn’t get very far before being corralled by a New Castle County police officer. He’s busted!
No real criminal for today in our report from Newburgh, New York, but it is a humorous situation that deserves mention. Office workers in Newburgh called the cops after hearing a loud voice in their building threatening people with a gun. The workers looked for shelter while SWAT teams converged, traffic was blocked and surrounding buildings evacuated. Finally the source of all the commotion was found. The building houses an audio production company that was recording voiceovers of a man threatening people with a gun. Oops. After advising audio engineers to turn it down a bit, everyone returned to work.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Guntur, India, where our bozo thief threw a guava thru the open door of a jewelry store to distract the owner. While the owner’s back was turned, our bozo entered and ransacked the place, going from one counter to the other before finally stopping at the store’s cash drawer. He then reached inside, grabbed $144 and made a clean getaway. The cops were called and, while the store owner was able to give a good description of the thief, police say they have little hope of catching the criminal and getting the money back. The reason? It seems our bozo has many relatives in the neighborhood that look just like him. Did we forget to mention the thief was a monkey? The chimp-hunt continues…
Bozo criminal for today comes from Anaheim, California, where the cops pulled over a black Ford Mustang on a vehicle code violation. The car slowed long enough for the passenger to get out before speeding away. The police detained the passenger and a high-speed chase ensued down the 91 Freeway, with speeds exceeding 100 MPH. Eventually, the car was involved in an accident and our bozo fled on foot. The cops lost track of him long enough for our bozo to take refuge in a hot tub in the backyard of one of the nearby residences. Guess he didn’t take into account the relaxing qualities of the 104 degree water, as he soon fell sound asleep. The homeowner found our bozo and called the cops. He’s been charged with possession of methamphetamine, stolen property, drug paraphernalia, possession of a sawed-off shotgun, and evading an officer. He’s under arrest.
There are a couple of unusual aspects to our bozo story for today from Manchester, New Hampshire. First, his choice of weapon. Bozo Carlos Herrera entered a convenience store armed with a rock and demanded cash. Yep, he using a rock as his weapon. It worked, and he got away with an undetermined amount of cash. The next thing he did was even stranger. A few hours later he returned to the scene of the crime to give back the money and apologize. Good intentions or no, the cops were called and our bozo was charged with robbery.