Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

But Officer, I Deserve to Celebrate the End Of My Probation!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida, where bozo Krystal Curtis had successfully completed her probation for drug charges. So, to celebrate, she did what any bozo would do. She rented a hotel room, picked up some booze and marijuana and invited several of her friends to celebrate. Bad idea on several levels. First, six of her invited friends were minors. Second, the party got loud and rowdy, causing other guests at the hotel to call the cops. She’s back under arrest.

Sorry, I Just Really Like That New Taylor Swift Song

No criminal activity this morning in our story from the International File in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, but it does confirm something we’ve always known: It’s never a good idea to sing while wearing headphones. Cops were called to an apartment on reports of a man screaming in agony. The cops arrived at the residence and could hear “terrifying screams” coming from the apartment. After repeated knocks were not answered, the officers went in, bashing down the door. Inside they found our bozo, a professional opera singer, wearing headphones and happily singing at the top of his lungs. Oops. No charges were filed.

They Got Their Just Desserts

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Laverton, Western Australia where a couple of bozos were in need of some petrol. They spotted a large tour bus and, under cover of darkness, crept up to it and unscrewed the gas cap. Now, the next step is to get the siphon going, so insert a hose and…suck. So far, so good, right? Wrong. The cap they unscrewed was for the sewage tank, not the gas tank. Yikes. The cops report our bozos beat a hasty retreat after getting a mouthful of poo.

A Self-Bust

We all know that pot smokers are a paranoid bunch and today’s story from Rexburg, Idaho, proves it. It seems our bozo duo was transporting a load of pot from Las Vegas to Bozeman, Montana, when they began sampling their shipment. It was pretty strong stuff and before long our bozos became convinced that they were surrounded by a “bunch of cops in civilian cars” on the highway. And they were so sure that the passing motorists were indeed cops looking for them that they called 911 to give themselves up. They told the dispatcher that they had had enough and were “wondering if you could help us out and just end it.” They gave the 911 operator their location and when the cops arrived, they were both standing outside the car with their hands above their heads. The cops, who had not been looking for our bozos, were more than happy to arrest them and confiscate the pot, valued at about $16,000,

It’s Not a Bribe, More Like Asking For a Favor

Our bozo for today comes from the When Is a Bribe Not a Bribe File. The obvious answer, when you’re in Italy. A drunk bozo in Rome, Italy, offered a cop a 100 euro bribe in an attempt to avoid being given a ticket for DUI. The cop wrote him a ticket anyway, and threw in charges of attempted bribery. Our bozo had a different point of view, saying that 100 euros (about $110) was “too small” to be considered a bribe. More like a “gift.” He appealed all the way to the Italian Supreme Court. And the court agreed, saying his thinking was impaired and the amount was too small to be considered corruption. His victory isn’t too sweet, however, as the court upheld the drunken driving conviction, which carries a fine of up to 6200 euros and up to a year in prison.

Break-In Tools, Check. Getaway Car, Check. Keys…Keys???

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Pole, Alaska. Bozo Joseph Box thought everything was going according to plan. He broke into a laundry and fitness business and stole numerous items, including tools and stereo equipment. Surveillance video shows him hauling the stuff to the car and then, looking distressed, making a call on his cell phone. A few minutes later, a cab arrives and the cabbie helps the man get into his locked car. Yep, our bozo burglar locked his keys inside his getaway car and then called the cab service to help him break in. Not a good idea. The cops contacted the cab company, bot his name and cellphone number and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Walter White Never Had These Problems

Bozo criminal for today from St. Augustine, Florida, violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 3302239: If you’re shoplifting from Walmart, it’s not a good idea to have a meth lab in your getaway car. Bozo James Sparks loaded $1700 worth of stuff in his shopping cart and left without paying. Needless to say this attracted the attention of security guards who called the cops. The cops arrived to find our bozo loading the stuff into his SUV, which also contained a “one-pot” meth lab inside. And to make matters worse, it wasn’t even his car, he had “borrowed” if from a friend. After going through a decontamination procedure our bozo was taken to jail.

Assault With a Snotty Weapon

It is the cold and flu season, as our bozo for today from Channahon, Illinois, will confirm. Bozo Melissa Abrams was in a Will County Courtroom on charges of DUI when she began causing problems, putting her feet on the seats and speaking loudly while the judge was on the bench. When the judge told her to be quiet, our bozo stood up, approached the bailiff, and sneezed directly in his face, leaving a trail of “mucous-like substance” on the bailiff. Yuck. She was jailed on a assault charge.

Assault With a Woody Weapon

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Pedro, California, where bozo Denise Adams walked into a bank armed with a stick and demanded money. Yes, she pointed a stick at the teller and asked for cash. Not surprisingly, the teller told her to get lost and she walked away, with the bank’s security guard following her. The guard called the cops and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.

Sweet or Unsweet?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pembroke Pines, Florida, where bozo Bryan Lawson is accused of breaking into one residence there and attempting another break-in before fleeing in a stolen car. Our bozo didn’t get very far before he crashed the car into a truck. Uninjured, he fled End of story, right? Wrong. Police were on the scene investigating when our bozo returned and attempted to retrieve a bottle of iced tea he had left in the vehicle. Bad idea. He’s under arrest.

Honest Officer, I Just Had the One Drink After He Missed That Field Goal

Our bozo criminal for today from St. Paul, Minnesota, comes from the Adding Insult to Injury Department. After last weekend’s heartbreaking loss by the Minnesota Vikings to the Seattle Seahawks, police were called to a report of a break-in at the unoccupied police station on the Minnesota State Fairgrounds. An officer arrived at the scene and discovered a locked door had been forced open. He called for backup and officers quickly surrounded the building. Our bozo was ordered to come out with his hands up, which he did, with some difficulty. The reason soon became obvious. Our bozo was an extremely drunken Vikings fan who had confused the building with his residence. Yep, he was dead drunk and thought the police station on the fairgrounds was his house. Trespassing charges are pending.

But At Least It Was a Good Picture

Our bozo for today was tripped up by his own vanity. From Lima, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Donald Pugh, who was wanted by the cops for failure to appear in court on a drunk driving charge. After the cops posted our bozo’s mugshot on social media, they received a surprising reply. Our bozo sent them a new selfie, which he said was a much better picture, complaining that the other one was “terrible.” Bad idea. The new photo led to him being grabbed by the cops in Florida, who recognized him from the selfie. He’s now under arrest on a variety of charges.

These Boots Weren’t Made For Stealin’

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mickey Bunn for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee, who violated Bozo Rule Number 43432: It’s not usually a good idea to steal something that is easily identified as belonging to a celebrity. Bozo Darnell Carson broke into a car belonging to country music star Kacey Musgraves who is known for wearing flashy cowboy boots on stage. Our bozo grabbed a bag containing two pair of boots and the receipts, worth about $900. So, he did what any bozo would do. He headed straight back to the store where Ms. Musgraves had purchased them, and tried to return them. Only problem, the manager of the store recognized the boots and noticed Musgraves’ name on the receipt. He called the cops, who grabbed our bozo as he attempted to flee.

No Happily Ever After Here

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bay City, Michigan where bozo William Carver wanted to marry his girlfriend, Sherri Mason. And he wanted to do it up right, so he proposed where any bozo would do it, at the local Walmart. He used the store’s loudspeaker to propose as he got down on one knee and popped the question. Fellow shoppers applauded after she said yes. The applause ended quickly when store surveillance cameras caught our bozo shoplifting after the ceremony, stealing a necklace and earrings. The loving couple then headed to the nearby Spencer’s store where they shoplifted $80 bucks worth of stuff, including “Bride to Be” thong panties, edible underwear and a vibrating sex toy. The cops arrested the bride as she was walking down the mall. The groom was busted in the food court, where he apparently fell asleep while tying his shoes. They’ve been charged with retail fraud and larceny.

Maglite to the Rescue!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for giving us a different take on a familiar bozo theme. Today’s bozo was foiled by old-fashioned technology. From Tonawanda, New York, comes the story of bozo Robert Shaw who, armed with a gun, walked into the local 7-11 and demanded cash. A customer in the parking lot spotted what was going on and grabbed that most old-fashioned of weapons, a big flashlight. He snuck up behind our bozo and clubbed him, knocking him to the ground and sending his gun flying. The customer grabbed the gun and our bozo made a hasty retreat. The cops took one look and immediately recognized our bozo, who was quickly placed under arrest, nursing a nasty headache. The cops commended our customer’s efforts, but neither they nor the Bozo Report recommend it.

And What Does This Job Pay, Anyway?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Delray Beach, Florida. Bozo Alexander West walked into the local Wal-Mart and headed for the store manager’s office. He then removed a garbage bag from a trash can and proceeded to fill it with numerous electronic items. He tossed the bag over his shoulder, Santa style, and headed back out into the store. Not surprisingly, by this time the security guards had called the cops, who had a few questions for him. He told the cops he had come to the store to apply for a mystery shopper position because it “seems like a cool job” and was just in the manager’s office looking for a job application. He had no explanation for the bag of electronics he was carrying or the gun, heroin, Xanax and other drugs found in his possession. He’s under arrest.

Take Your Money and Exit Out Those Doors, Please

Bozo criminal for today from Detroit, Michigan forgot basic Bozo Rule Number 000445: Always have your escape route planned out. Our 15-year-old bozo, who shall remain unnamed, walked into a Chase bank and demanded cash, telling the teller he had a bomb. The teller complied, and our bozo headed for the exit, not realizing that the teller was one step ahead of him. When he went through the first set of doors, the teller activated the electronic locks. Click! The front door locked! Click! The door into the bank locked, leaving our bozo trapped in the entryway between the two doors. He was still in captivity when the cops arrived to place him under arrest.

And Maybe We Could Go Out Sometime, Too

Once again today we have a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Pacific Grove, California, comes the story of bozo Victor Gonzalez who, along with three friends, approached a car and ordered the passengers out of the vehicle at gunpoint. Our bozo then robbed the victims, but before stealing the car our bozo struck up a conversation with one female occupant of the car. He exchanged Snapchat handles with her and snapped a selfie with her, which he then sent to the victim. Bad idea. The cops ID’ed our bozo from the Snapchat selfie and he was arrested and charged with armed robbery, kidnapping, possession of stolen property, conspiriacy, violation of probation and gang enhancements.