Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where police had no leads in a residential burglary in which a large number of guns were stolen. Then, they received a phone call from the victim. He told the cops he had just visited a Facebook page of a “friend.” And on that page, our bozo had posted pictures of the guns he had stolen from his “friend’s” house. Bad idea. He’s now been charged with aggravated burglary, larceny of a firearm and tampering with evidence.
With Thanksgiving coming up, today’s Bozo Report shall serve as a word to the wise. Police in Atlanta, Georgia, were called to a Golden Corral buffet restaurant on a report of suspicious activity. After arrival, they discovered two bozos face down, sound asleep with their faces buried in an overflowing plate of food. The cops awakened the man, thereby saving him from possibly inhaling food and choking himself. His female companion didn’t fare so well, as she was found to be in possession of a controlled substance. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Chester, New York, where bozo Kenneth Dover was stopped by the cops for speeding on I 95. Believing he was intoxicated, the cops arrested him and took him downtown for a DUI test. The test was administered and when the results began printing, out bozo grabbed the paper and attempted to eat the results. Bad idea. He’s been charged not only with DUI but also with obstructing governmental administration and criminal tampering.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cape Town, South Africa where surveillance cameras caught our bozo criminal as he prowled around the back yard of a residence. Then you see him fleeing in terror and leaping over the fence to make his excape. Finally, the source of his fear comes into the frame. A tiny Yorkshire terrier, weighing no more than six pounds. Police are looking for a thief with cynophobia, the fear of dogs.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report. Police in Virginia Beach, Virginia, intercepted a shipment of marijuana going to a residence. The cops replaced the pot with a note signed by “Mike” saying that he had the pot and the addressee could get it back for a “little cash.” The note also provided a phone number to call, which our bozo of course did, setting up to meet “Mike” at the local 7-Eleven. Instead of getting his pot, our bozo got six months in jail.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 337684: If you’re passing counterfeit bills, be careful who you give them to. Our unidentified bozo from Kittanning, Pennsylvania, had printed up some fake twenties on a copier and thought there would be no safer place to pass them than at a yard sale. Might have been a good idea except for one small thing. The yard sale he picked was being held by a woman whose day job is…bank teller! She quickly spotted the fake bills and called the cops. He’s been charged with forgery and theft.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Harrison, New Jersey, where bozo Christopher Russell had a little too much to drink at a local bar. So he called a cab to get home safely? Nope. Maybe asked one of the more sober patrons to drive him? Nah. Went outside, stole a bulldozer and drove it home, leaving a path of destruction behind him? Yep. Police say he leveled signs, three benches, a tree, a drinking fountain and left a maze of bulldozer tracks in the grass. Needless to say, it wasn’t difficult for the cops to track him down. He’s been charged with DUI, criminal mischief, leaving the scene of a crime and theft of a bulldozer.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Brockton, Massachusetts. A woman was robbed at gunpoint by three men who burst into her apartment. It was when she made a positive ID on one of the suspects that he revealed his true identity as a bozo. When she picked him out of a lineup, he blurted out, “How could she tell it was me? I had a mask on!” Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from London, Kentucky, where 37 year-old Deborah Ward was taken into arrest as part of a drug investigation. She, along with her male companion, was found to be in possession of 3,37 grams of crystal meth as well as a pair of digital scales. This in itself would not be newsworthy. It was her wardrobe choice that ultimately landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. When she was arrested she was wearing an “I [heart] Crystal Meth” T-shirt. Busted!!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ryan Winkey for sending in today’s report. Police in Spokane Valley, Washington, were called to the local post office after a report of a break-in. Upon arrival, just after 5:30 a.m., they found bozo Jackie Horton rummaging through the mail and looking at the postal uniforms. It was after she was questioned that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she didn’t do anything wrong because the post office “looked like a movie set” and she was just “playing house” with the uniforms and didn’t intend to steal anything. Didn’t work. She faces federal charges of breaking into a postal facility.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tijuana, Mexico, where bozo Sylvia Martinez was trying to sneak 27 pounds of meth into the United States. Things were going well, as the security guards at the border crossing only did a quick check of her Ford Focus before clearing her to pass. Then, things took a wrong turn, or rather, our bozo did. Immediately after crossing the border, our bozo took a hard right and turned into what we must assume she thought was a large parking lot. In fact, she turned into the “inspection lot” where Customs agents do a more thorough check of selected vehicles. Oops. She’s been placed under arrest on charges of felony drug importation.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Darmstadt, Germany, where our unidentified bozo used a rather unusual weapon to pull off a robbery. She walked into a pharmacy and began looking at the store’s selection of breast pumps. She took one of them to the counter and gave the clerk some cash to pay for it. As he opened the register to make change, our bozo whipped out one of her breasts and squirted milk at the pharmacist. While he was temporarily blinded, she made away with $127 in cash. The cops are looking for a woman with what is described as a “robust” figure.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Raleigh, North Carolina. The cops were called to a downtown night club on a report of a disturbance and bozo Lizette Barker was taken into custody. Before being booked, she asked to go to the bathroom and when she returned, one of the deputies noticed something strange about the way she was walking. Her head seemed to be leaning to one side. Upon further investigation the cause of the “lean” was found. Our bozo had concealed a handgun in her hair weave. Bad idea. She’s been charged with possession of a stolen firearm and resisting arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from the International File where a bus driver in Egypt was nervous about an upcoming drug test at his job. So, instead of submitting his own urine sample, he obtained one from his wife. What he didn’t know was that his wife was two months pregnant, which of course showed up in the drug screen. Oops. He’s looking for another job.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Anthony Brown walked into a lawn maintenance store and asked the clerk for change from a dollar. While the clerk was getting the change, our bozo was seen picking up a chainsaw and attempting to stuff it under his shirt. He then walked out of the store with the barely concealed saw and attempted to flee the scene on his bicycle. As you can imagine, this was not a high speed exit and our bozo was caught by a store manager on foot, who held him down until the cops arrived. He’s been charged with theft of both the chainsaw and the bicycle.
We can’t find any real criminal activity in today’s report, but the sheer level of Bozo-ness makes it worthy. A bomb squad was called to a Postal Service facility in Carlsbad, California, after employees heard a ticking sound coming from a package. Fearing the worst, homes in the area were evacuated and the suspect package was taken to a grassy area and blasted with the disposal squad’s robot water cannon. It was then that the source of the ticking sound was discovered, and it wasn’t a bomb. Inside the package…a bunch of Mexican jumping beans, which make a clicking sound when exposed to warmth. No word on the fate of the beans.
A special note to all my loyal Bozo friends! Yours truly got inducted into the Texas Radio Hall of Fame this weekend! For some reason they failed to mention the Bozo Report in my induction video but feel free to go check it out if you want. On Facebook at Texas Radio Hall of Fame. Link to video https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10204289312945627&set=o.312857592118951&type=2&theater
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Hueytown, Alabama. And while we don’t usually editorialize, your Bozo Report Editors can certainly sympathize with our bozo’s frustrations. Zachary Tucker, 18, was arrested by the cops and charged with robbing four Subway restaurants in the area. It was under questioning that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he had been trying to lose weight by using the “Jared diet” at Subway and, after failing, he decided to rob the restaurants in an effort to “get his money back.” He’ll get to try the Jailhouse Diet next.