Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Where’s the Puddytat When You Really Need Him?

We’ve quoted the Bozo Rule about keeping a low profile after committing a crime numerous times, but today we have what is perhaps the most flagrant violation of the rule ever. From Kansas City, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Thomas McIntyre who broke into the Kansas City Costume Shop and stole a giant yellow bird costume, complete with cape and a big hat with feathers. Instead of taking it home for safe keeping, he donned the suit and walked down the street to the Cashew bar where patrons were enjoying “wing night.” The bar’s owner’s obviously didn’t get the joke and the cops were called. After a brief struggle, big bird was placed under arrest.

What, He Didn’t Take the Sink, Too?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairbanks, Alaska, where bozo Robert Lasater checked in to the local emergency room. It was what he attempted to check out with that got him into trouble. He attempted to leave the facility with bed sheets, 47 latex gloves, a bloody syringe, oxygen tubing, towels, washcloths, medical wrap, 27 alcohol wraps, and 15 packages of lubricant. Not surprisingly this large load attracted the attention of a security guard who held him until the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.

Cinderella He Ain’t

Bozo criminal for today comes from Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, where bozo Tyrell Carson walked into the local Home Depot and grabbed a couple of bags of weed killer and exited without paying. Unfortunately, in his haste to get away, our bozo lost one of his shoes. The cops were called and a short time later they spotted the getaway car and pulled it over. When they asked our bozo to step out of the vehicle, they noticed he was missing a shoe, which was a match for the one left in the store. If they shoe fits, you’re busted!

Another Reason Not To Be a Litterbug

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Troy, Missouri, where the cops were called to Fairgrounds Park on a report of one of the concession stands being broken into. Thanks to our teenage bozos this investgation turned out to be one of the easiest ever. The first thing the officers noticed was a lot of trash around the concession booth. As they looked closer, they found that the trash was mostly candy wrappers, and that the wrappers formed a trail that led out of the the park. Much like the old story of Hansel and Gretel, all the cops had to do was follow the trail which led them to a nearby apartment. The parent of the juveniles inside allowed the cops to search the apartment, and, sure enough, they found several of the stolen items (or at least the ones that hadn’t been eaten). They’re busted!

Did He At Least “Friend” Him First?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Minneapolis, Minnesota, where bozo Nicholas Warren broke into a residence and stole a number of items. While he was there, he apparently worked up a bit of a sweat, as he removed his shirt and tossed it aside. Then, when he was getting ready to leave, he decided to take a quick break and check his Facebook on the homeowner’s computer. One big problem, he failed to log out. When the homeowner returned, he noticed the page open to our bozo’s profile. The homeowner contacted our bozo and offered to meet him to return his shirt if he would give him a cell phone he had taken. Not the best deal our bozo could have worked out. He was arrested by the cops while wearing a watch he had stolen from the home. He’s busted!

Good Thing She Didn’t Have a Rolling Pin

Bozo criminal for today from Marion, Indiana, quickly found out that he had broken into the wrong house. Armed with a wrench and wearing a hockey mask, our bozo burst into the home of 63 year old Patty Carson and demanded money. Patty, who has COPD and lung cancer, wasn’t frightened by our bozo in the least. She grabbed her trusty backscratcher and went after him, saying, “Not in my house.” When he dropped his wrench, she picked it up to and continued hitting him until he ran out the door, empty handed. Police are looking for the suspect.

Honest, We Thought the Tank Was Empty

We’re not exactly sure who the bozos are in this case, but it certainly deserves mention. It comes from the International File in Kostiantynivka, Ukraine, where city officials decided it would be cool to put an old World War II tank on display in the city park. And of course some enterprising bozos, probably fueled by alcohol, decided to try to “hot wire” the thing. Much to their surprise, the big engine fired up and they were even able to take it for a little spin. Local investigators are looking into the case and trying to decide who should be charged, and with what.

He Might As Well Have Added His Address As Well

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from San Diego, California, where Francisco Hernandez was on trial, charged with vandalism. During the trial, court officials noticed graffiti showing up at several locations inside the courthouse itself. Officers noticed that our bozo had even gone so far as to put his moniker on the graffiti. A brazen thing to do. Also a stupid thing to do. After tracing the moniker to our bozo, he was charged with five new felony counts.

Sounds Like He Needs to Work on His Arm Strength

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson, Michigan, where officers at the G. Robert Cotton Correctional Facility saw bozo Christen Mason drive his car up to the fence surrounding the exercise yard. He got out of his car, and, giving a mighty heave, tried to throw a football over the fence and into the exercise yard. Unfortunately, it only got halfway there, landing with a thud in a space between the two fences that surround the yard. Part of the reason for the ball’s inability to remain airborne was what our bozo had placed inside it. Baggies of heroin, marijuana, tobacco, three cellphones and chargers. Guards quickly grabbed our bozo and placed him under arrest.

Burglary Checklist: Gun, Mask, Salesman of the Month Plaque

Over the years in the Bozo Criminal Report, we’ve had any number of unusual things left behind at the scene of the crime, but the one for today is an “Award Winner” for sure! From Lakewood, Washington, comes the story of bozo Alfred Stroupe, who burglarized a residence, getting away with a woman’s purse and a box of coins. Investigating officers noticed something shiny had been left behind in the front yard. Taking a closer look, they found it was a “Salesman of the Month” plaque from the local Mazda dealership. And like most plaques, it came with the winner’s name engraved on it. He”s busted!

Maybe He Should Have Made an Appointment

We’ve had numerous stories of fake cops before but the one sent in by Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow takes stupidity to a new level. From Weaver, Alabama, comes the story of bozo Bobby Bates who shoved a pistol into his belt and grabbed a fake badge before walking into the City Hall. Once inside, he announced he would like to speak to the mayor. When he was told the mayor was not available, he whipped out a pair of handcuffs and said he was going to arrest him, adding that he worked for the FBI. Not a good idea. Cops still aren’t sure what he had against the mayor, but he’s been charged with felony impersonation of a police officer, making a terrorist threat and carrying a pistol without a permit.

No, Those Cards Don’t Get You a Discount on Bail

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Florissant, Missouri, where wannabe arsonist Adam Goff decided to torch some cars. He set three cars on fire and made what seemed to be a clean getaway. Except for one teensy tiny thing. He left his keys behind. Now, of course keys could be hard to trace, but our bozo’s keychain also contained several store rewards tags. Oops. Using information retrieved from those tags, our bozo was tracked down and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Prescott Valley, Arizona, where police were called to a report of gunfire. The police found bozo Cameron Rucker armed with a handgun and offering one of the most unique Bozo Explanations of all time. He told the cops he was doing target practice. And his target? The moon. Yep, he was taking shots at the moon. Guess he was hoping to see a cloud of moon dust if he hit the target. Upon further questioning, he admitted he had smoked some pot before the incident. He’s been charged with unlawful discharge of a firearm, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.

He Doesn’t Want to “Fetch” Either

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida. We’ve all heard the saying that you don’t pull on Superman’s cape, and, based on today’s report, you can add something else you shouldn’t tug on. Cops were called to a transient camp where there had been a report of a disturbance. While investigating, the officers noticed bozo Daniel Roberts approaching their police dog, saying,”puppy, puppy,puppy.” The dog’s handler told our bozo the animal was on duty and should not be bothered. Our bozo only stayed away for a short time before approaching again, this time shouting, “puppy, puppy, puppy.” The dog lunged at our bozo and he was once again warned to stay away. After the cops completed their investigation and were leaving, our bozo approached from behind and pulled the dogs tail. This was the last straw, both for the dog and the officers. The dog went after our bozo who was grabbed by the cops and placed under arrest for interfering with a police dog. Busted!

Attack With a “Blunt” Instrument

Bozo criminal for today comes from Polk County, Florida, where bozo Rodney Baxter got into an argument with his brother. The fight escalated and the cops were called. When they arrived, they discovered the “weapon” that our bozo had used that would ultimately land him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. It seems that during the course of the argument, our bozo went outside and uprooted several marijuana plants from his garden in the back yard and proceeded to whack his brother over the head with them. No severe damage was done, except to the plants. He’s been charged with domestic battery and cultivation of marijuana.

It’s an “Innie” For Sure

Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenville, North Carolina, where Randall Starkey was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violaton. Cops checked the car and found over 150 bags of heroin and $1200. Noticing our bozo was acting rather nervous they decided to search his person. And that’s when they found an additional 40 bags of heroin. Stuffed in his belly button. He’s busted!

Next Time Try Water Balloons Instead

Bozo criminals for today come from Santa Fe, New Mexico, where a group of teens, aged 15 to 18 failed miserably in their attempt at vandalism. Armed with BB guns, the teens cruised the neighborhood, shooting at windshields of parked cars. Things were going fine until one resident jumped in his car and took off after them. He didn’t attempt to pull them over, instead he just followed them, speeding up when they sped up and slowing down when they slowed down. This so rattled the kids that they took extreme action. The called 911. Not the best idea. The cops caught up with them and, after sorting things out, arrested them and charged them with property damage and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Something’s Fishy Here

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lufkin, Texas, where police were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. After arriving, the cops found several family members involved in a heated argument. Apparently the argument had escalated to the point of physical violence, and one of the women struck the other in the face. It was her choice of weapon that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. It seems the woman picked up a catfish and slapped the other woman up side the head with it. A man a the scene was arrested on a parole violation, but at this time no charges have been filed against either the women, or the catfish.

You Don’t Want To See My Mom When She’s Mad

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knoxville, Iowa, where bozo Michael Harper was afraid that he was going to be in trouble with his mother. And, not wanting to face a mother’s scorn, he did what any bozo would do. He called the cops and told them he was manufacturing methamphetamine and would they please come arrest him. When they asked why, our bozo told the cops that his mother was going to be mad at him because of another problem and he didn’t want to face her. The cops arrived and searched the home, finding no meth, manufactruing materials or other drug paraphenalia. He was arrested anyway, for making a false report. No response yet from Mom.

He Knew What He Needed, Just Not How To Use It

Bozo criminal for today comes from Polk City, Florida, where bozo Andrew Justice broke into a vehicle and stole a GPS device. So far, so good. A little later in the evening, he encountered a pack of wild pigs and, while running away from them, he found himself lost. So he used his new GPS to find his way home, right? Wrong. Instead, he called 911 to report he was lost and being chased by wild pigs. Bad idea. The cops found him and discovered he had an open warrant for driving with a suspended license. He’s now had burglary charges added to his rap sheet.