Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

When the Cops Tell You To Stay in the Vehicle, STAY in the Vehicle

Bozo criminal for today comes from Commodore, Pennsylvania, where bozo Douglas Lang was caught up in a police drug investigation. He was handcuffed, but not charged, and placed in a police cruiser as the cops searched the area for drugs. Obviously, the best idea would have been to just sit quietly while the cops did their job. But, oh no, that wouldn’t work for our bozo. Instead, he climbed out a window and fled to his girlfriend’s house nearby. Bad idea. The cops have yet to charge him with drug possession, but he has been booked on charges of stealing a pair of handcuffs and hindering a police investigation. Oops.

This Is a Stickup…Give Me a Job or Else!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Norfolk, Virginia, where bozo Tevin Mitchell went down to the local McDonalds to apply for a job. When the store manager explained to him that applications were only taken online and not at the restaurant, our bozo became agitated and lifted his shirt to reveal a gun tucked in his waistband. The manager then pretended that the gun had convinced him to make an exception in our bozo’s case and asked him to sit down while she went to get a paper application. While he was waiting, she called the cops. He was still filling out the form when the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.

His Brain Must Have Been Frozen, Too

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk “Sharkey in the Morning” for sending in today’s report from Shavertown, Pennsylvania. Bozo Kyle Brown walked into a convenience store with a bandana over his face and carrying a gun. After he asked the clerk to empty the register, she told him she was new and didn’t know how to operate it. So, our bozo simply stepped behind the counter, turned the key on the register, and helped himself to $200 in cash and a couple of packs of cigarettes before leaving. And that’s when things took a bad turn. Police arriving at the scene found a single set of footprints in the freshly fallen snow outside the store. They followed the trail into the woods, over a couple of chain link fences and finally ending at a ladder leading to a second floor apartment. Inside they found our bozo, clothes matching the description the clerk had given them, and two packs of cigarettes marked with the same numbers as those taken in the robbery. He’s busted! Everyone sing!!! OVER THE CHAIN LINK FENCE AND THROUGH THE WOODS TO THE BOZO’S HOUSE WE GO!

A Pair of Alligator Shoes, Maybe, But Not This!

Bozo criminal for today from Miami, Florida, wanted some beer. But since he was a little short of cash, he took a rather unique bozo approach to getting it. Nope, he didn’t try to steal it. Instead, he trapped a 4-foot-long alligator at a nearby park, put it in a box and headed for the nearest convenience store. There he offered it up as barter, asking the clerk of he would trade a 12-pack of beer for the gator. The clerk was having none of it and called the cops who arrested our bozo, charging him with illegally capturing and trying to sell an alligator.

And He Checked Every Bulb, Too

Our bozo for today isn’t a criminal at all, and some would question his bozo-worthiness, but he did get into trouble with the cops, and his story, at least during this holiday season, deserves mention. From Freehold, New Jersey, comes the story of Kevin Martin who is a big fan of the classic holiday movie, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” He was such a big fan that he decided to make his holiday display a tribute to Clark Griswald, the bumbling lead character in the flick. Re-enacting a classic scene from the movie, he dressed a dummy as Clark and then hung him from the roof above a toppled ladder. Everyone seemed to enjoy the display until one fateful evening when our Mr. Martin went to bed and forgot to turn off the spotlight on the hanging mannequin. And, of course, someone drove by, saw the dummy on the roof and thought someone was trying to break into the residence. The cops were called and didn’t see the humor in the situation, ordering Mr. Martin to remove the dummy from the roof. He wasn’t charged, but now he’s looking for a new home for Mr. Griswald.

Ho, Ho, Oh No!

Bozo criminal for today comes from State College, Pennsylvania, where bozo Randy Vega was pulled over by the cops on Interstate 80. The cops noticed our bozo appeared excessively nervous, and, after some discussion, he agreed to let them search his car. Guess he never thought the search would include unwrapping several large Christmas presents he had had in the back. He was wrong. Insice the pretty packages was over 20 pounds of marijuana. He’s busted!

Wonder If She Stuck Her Tongue Out, Too?

Bozo criminals for today come from Brooklyn, New York, where a bozo couple planned a break-in at an apartment building. They staked out the place, broke in and stole two packages. Sounds routine, right? It is, except for one thing. It seems our bozo’s female accomplice is a wannabe Miley Cyrus. Building security cameras caught our male bozo sitting on a bench outside the building while his female accomplice practiced her twerking before the burglary. For almost an hour. Armed with a good look at our twerking bozo, cops hope to make an arrest shortly.

Next Time Try iTunes

Bozo criminal for today comes from Red Lion, Pennsylvania, where bozo Shawn Ferguson went shopping for some music. He headed down to the local record store (yes, there are still a few around). He stuffed a few items in his pockets and then attempted to pay for a CD at the cash register. Unbeknownst to our bozo, the store owner had been watching him closely and knew exactly what was going on. And even more unbeknownst to him, the store owner was an experienced cage fighter. When the manager confronted him about the items in his pocket our bozo pulled a knife and threatened the man. Bad idea. Using his cage fighting skills, the manager put him in a choke hold and soon our bozo went nighty-night. He’s busted!

That “Duck Dynasty” Ornament Was the Last Straw

We have another story this morning from our “‘Tis the Season” file. From Spartanburg, South Carolina, comes the story of three relatives, ages 76, 61 and 24 who were decorating the family Christmas tree. Somewhere along the way, things got rather heated as the three women began arguing about where to place the ornaments and exactly how the tree should look. A male relative, age 41, arrived at the home and tried, but failed to calm things down. Finally the yelling and screaming and pushing and shoving got so bad that the cops were called. The police reminded them of the spirit of the season and were able to get things calmed down. And, since no one was willing to press charges, no one went to jail. No word on whether the tree ever got fully decorated.

The Grinch Is Alive and Well

No real criminal activity this morning, unless you consider overzealous enforcement of safety rules a crime. From Neath, Wales, comes the story of the Bridge Church’s annual children’s nativity play. It’s quite an elaborate production, with young kids playing all the roles. And, of course, live animals play a part, too. And that’s where the problem comes in. In one scene, the 8-year-old Mary rides a donkey. And since the scene takes place outside, safety regulations require little Mary to wear a helmet. Church members say they will comply and try to conceal the helmet with some of Mary’s scarves.

Put Him On the Naughty List For Sure

We’re making a list and checking it twice for our bozo criminal for today from Orlando, Florida. Stake out a bank that probably has a lot of cash. Wells Fargo, check. Tell the teller you have a weapon. Check. Take the money and get out quick. Check. Bring along a change of clothes and put them on at a nearby gas station after the robbery. Check. Head to the nearest bus stop and wait for your getaway vehicle. Um…no check on this one. A witness recognized him and pointed him out to the cops who placed him under arrest. He’s busted!

That’s What Happens When There Are No Ashtrays in the Kitchen

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lovejoy, Georgia, where police were called to a local burger joint with a rather unusual complaint from one of the customers. The burger patron complained that she had ordered a cheeseburger with bacon and instead had received a cheesburger topped with a half-smoked marijuana cigarette. Ugh. One of the burger “chefs” fessed up. Bozo Amy Simpson said she’d been smoking pot while on duty and had “misplaced” the joint. In addition to being arrested, she was also fired.

Must Be the Balkan Equivalent of the Twinkie

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vigevano, Italy, where police were hunting for alleged robber Teodor Nikolov. Our bozo was familiar to the cops and was wanted again in conjunction with multiple burglaries in Bulgaria. The cops got word he was hiding out in a small town outside Milan, and rather than search for him, the simply staked out a bakery. Huh? Remember we told you he was known to the cops. And one of the things they knew about him was that he LOVED borek, a tasty puff pastry popular in the Balkans. So, they staked out the only bakery in town that served the treats. And sure enough, our bozo showed up to get his daily fix He’s busted!

No More “Walking Dead” For This Guy

Bozo criminal for today comes from Apple Valley, Minnesota, where police were called to a report of a stolen vehicle. Witnesses told the cops the newspaper delivery truck had been left unattended at a gas station when our bozo jumped in and drove off. Apparently, he didn’t go very far before bailing out of the truck, which the cops found a few blocks away. Our bozo was spotted nearby, with bloodshot eyes and “a strong odor of alcohol” on his breath. This would be the end of the story except for one more thing…his excuse, which landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he had stolen the truck because he was being chased by flesh eating zombies. Finding no zombies anywhere around, the cops charged him with theft.

Beer…Cash…Beer…Cash…OK Gimme a Beer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gastonia, North Carolina, where bozo Jah Simpson walked into a convenience store, fired a couple of shots in the air and demanded cash. When the clerk told him the cash register was locked and he couldn’t get him any cash, our bozo went to plan B. He picked up a $3 can of beer that was sitting on the counter, opened it, and walked out. But the story doesn’t end there. The clerk recoginzed him as a regular customer and was able to ID him to the cops. He’s under arrest.

Next Time Donate To Your Favorite Charity

Bozo criminal for today from Bloomington, Minnesota, comes from the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished department. Bozo Serge Boroyev had just experienced a “really tough year” and decided to “spread some holiday cheer.” He took his last $1000 and headed to the Mall of America rotunda. Leaning over a third floor railing, he tossed the cash, in $1 bills, to the crowd below. Appropriately enough, a trio of singers was performing “Let It Snow” at the time. The shoppers loved it, but the cops didn’t. Pointing out that people could have been injured scrambling for the money, the cops issued him a ticket for disorderly conduct.