Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished If You’re a Bozo

Perhaps because it’s the holiday season, our bozo tried to do the right thing, but ended up getting arrested anyway. Our story from Middleburg, Florida begins with bozo Brian Taylor borrowing $3 from the clerk at a Flash Foods store so he could buy a little gas. He promised the clerk he would pay him back and even left his wallet with him as a goodwill gesture. It was what he did next that got him into trouble. Instead of heading home or to a bank to get the cash, he decided to take the bozo route, and held up Larry’s Giant Subs nearby. Police officers were questioning other businesses in the neighborhood about the robbery and the clerk at Flash Foods recognized our bozo from his description and told the cops the story. And as he was finishing up the story, who should enter the store to pay back the $3 but our bozo. He’s busted!

This Thing’s Not Making a Sound, Must Not Be Working

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakewood, Colorado, where bozo Brandon Curtis went on a bit of a robbery spree, burglarizing 15 homes. Looks like he won’t be getting to enjoy the fruits of his labors, however, as he’s now in the County Jail. And how did the cops make such a quick arrest? It seems our bozo was on probation for a previous burglary charge. And one of the conditions of his arrest was that he wear a GPS monitoring ankle bracelet. Oops. The cops say the ankle monitor was present at every one of our bozo’s 15 burglaries. He’s busted!

He Should Have Taken the Bus

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bedford, New Hampshire, where bozo Byron Wilson is accused of robbing a taxi driver, getting away with cash and a cellphone. So far, so good. Now, how to make a clean getaway. Hmmmm….Call a cab of course! When the taxi company received a call for a cab from a male voice, at the same location where the other cab had been robbed, they quickly decided to call the cops. Instead of the regular driver, a cop was behind the wheel of the cab when it arrived. He’s busted!

Rookie Cop Has To Do the Measuring

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida. where bozo Stephen Alexander was seen walking around the neighborhood wearing a poncho, apparentlly with nothing on underneath. This was confirmed when he began practicing his ninja moves and doing a cartwheel, exposing himself to several bystanders including a young boy. When the cops questioned him, he explained that he ws “playing cowboys and Indians by myself” and that he couldn’t be arrested for indecent exposure because “it’s too small for anyone to see anyway.” Police didn’t buy that exucse. He’s under arrest.

Really, Your Honor, the Devil Made Me Do It!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Arizona City, Arizona where cops were called to a burglary of a residence. The homeowner said she had returned home to find our bozo ransacking her bedroom. When he spotted her, he ran through the residence and out the back door. Taking a look around the back yard, the cops found our bozo attempting to hide in some shrubbery, with several stolen items from the woman’s home in his possession. Case closed, right? Not quite. It was the excuse he offered up that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops that he was not guilty and that the “devil” had set him up. Try that one out on the judge. He’s under arrest.

Batteries, and Brains, Not Included

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida, where our unidentified bozo headed down to a local adult store to apply for a job. The manager had her fill out an application and, after she left, noticed a sex toy had gone missing. She took a look at the surveillance video and, sure enough, there was our bozo “fumbling around in the front of her pants and shirt” in an effort to conceal the device. The cops had no trouble in tracking down our bozo, who used the old “really drunk” excuse. Didn’t work. She’s under arrest.

Doesn’t Anybody Use a Photo Booth Anymore?

With “selfies”, taking a picture of yourself with your cell phone, becoming so popular, you knew it was only a matter of time until a bozo was done in by one. From Boca Raton, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole an iPad from a man who had left it unattended while he played with his kids at a park. And of course, one of the first things our bozo did was take an nice selfie of himself with the device. What he didn’t know was that all pictures taken with the iPad are sent to Apple’s iCloud, where they can be viewed by the owner of the device. And also viewed by the cops. He’s busted!

Next Time Try Clipping Coupons

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco County, Florida, where bozo Charles Boyd likes Dunkin’ Donuts. Really likes Dunkin’ Donuts. He likes them so much that he went to extreme measures to save some money on his donut purchases. Our bozo, after learning that police officers get a discount at the local donut shop, had himself a phony badge made. When he went through the drive-thru, he flashed the badge and even showed off a holstered handgun, all the while claiming to be a United States Marshal. And for quite some time the Dunkin Donuts employees tolerated our bozo’s ruse, even though they suspected he was a fake. But it was when he also started coming thru on weekends demanding his discount that they decided enough was enough. The cops were called and it was discovered that the badge was indeed bogus. He’s busted and charged with impersonating an officer and improper exhibition of a firearm.

Hey, Let’s Take This Stolen Credit Card and Go to Carl’s Jr.!

We’ve all heard the buzz about how Instagram is the “new” Facebook. And, of course, with bozos being on the cutting edge of technology, it didn’t take long for us to find a story of a group of bozos who were foiled by their attachment to the photo sharing site. From Rocklin, California, comes the story of four bozos who who broke into a number of cars in a parking lot, getting away fwith GPS units, wallets and other items. They then took advantage of their newfound wealth by going to a nearby Carl’s Jr. restaurant to celebrate. And celebrate they did, buying nearly $120 worth of burgers, tacos and other yummy stuff. And rather than leaving to enjoy their meal, they then carefully spread all the food on the trunk of their car and posed for an Instagram photo showing off all their grub. Which might have been OK except that one of their victims was keeping an eye on her stolen credit card and noticed a $120 charge on her card at Carl’s Jr. Cops went to the restaurant and were able to get our bozo’s license plate number from a parking lot surveillance that captured their Instagram display. They’re busted!

If Only They’d Brought Along Their Own Insulated Bags

Bozo criminals for today forgot seldom used Bozo Rule Number 0909865: It’s best to not steal anything perishible. From the International File in Gavle, Sweden, comes the story of two bozos who stole $1380 worth of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream from a truck parked outside a wholesale center. A security guard spotted them and gave chase. When the getaway turned out to take longer than they had expected, our bozos noticed something. The prized ice cream was starting to melt. Faced with the option of keeping the melting treat or making their getaway, our bozos chose to dump the ice cream. Didn’t help. The security guard was still able to catch up to one of them, who is now under arrest.

Where Are Those Earplugs?

Our bozo for today comes from Waukesha, Wisconsin, where the 911 operator took a rather unusual call. The man on the other end of the line said that he wanted “a female removed from his bed.” He said he was not sure how she had gotten into his apartment but she was “snoring like a train” and he needed help in getting her out. Uncertain exactly what the situation was, police officers were dispatched to the residence where they did indeed find a snoring woman in the man’s bed. However, after further questioning the man admitted that he did know the woman, and had shared some drinks with her before she crawled into his bed and started sawing logs. The officers reminded our bozo that no crime had been committed since he did invite her into his home. They advised him to take to the couch for the evening and work things out in the morning.

And WHAT Does That Symbol Mean?

Although the cops were called to this residence in Stromstad, Sweden, we can’t call the residents crooks, but we certainly can relate to their predicament. At 1 AM, police were dispatched to a residence after a report of banging sounds, screaming, and a baby crying. Fearing the worst, the cops entered the house only to discover a family attempting to put together furniture from an IKEA store. Completely understandable. No charges were filed and when the cops left the man was still trying to figure out where all the parts went.

Another Reason You Should Call Your Mom First Thing Every Day

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Lake Worth, Florida, where sheriff’s deputies were called to the scene of a burglary. While they were investigating, a cell phone began ringing. Noticing the phone’s screen identified the caller as “Mom”, one of the cops answered it. After hearing the officer’s explanation, “Mom” was more than happy to give the cops her son’s name and address, where they found numerous items stolen from the home. He’s busted!

They Were Priced to Moove

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 726280: When you steal something to re-sell, its usually a good idea to take something that’s not easily traceable back to its owner. From Redlands, California comes the story of Bozo Robert Tarver who broke into a restaurant and stole several items. Now, what to do with those items? Put them up for sale on Craigslist, of course. Which might be a good idea…unless the items you are trying to sell are immediately recognizable as symbols of the restaurant you just robbed. Our bozo offered for sale, for $350 apiece, the black and white cow suits that are used to beckon customers into Chick-fil-a restaurants. An officer noticed them and when our bozo offered to sell them to him just in time for Halloween, he was busted!

A Whole New Definition of Giving Them the Finger

We’ve had any number of bozos who were caught after leaving fingerprints at the scene of the crime, but today’s bozo from Glendale, Arizona took it to a whole new, and very uncomfortable, level. It seems bozo Joshua Grier spotted a big spool of copper wire on the back of an air conditioning installer’s truck. Knowing it was worth about $300, he pulled the big spool off the truck and drug it about 20 feet before things went terribly wrong causing him to leave the spool behind and flee the scene. Investigating officers soon found the reason for his hasty exit. Somehow, his finger had gotten caught up in the spool of wire and had been severed. Ouch! Forensic technicians were able to match the fingerprint to our bozo, who offered the lame excuse that he had lost the finger while working on a car. After he couldn’t explain how the finger ended up in the wire, he was placed under arrest.

Smile, You’re On Bozo Camera!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report that once again proves that bozos and technology just don’t mix. From Ottawa, Canada comes the story of two bozo motorcyclists that where reported to the cops for reckless driving. When the cops caught up with them, they were surprised to discover that our bozos were carrying around evidence of their crimes. Apparently they had been recording themselves driving at high speeds and committing various infractions. Twenty one infractions, total. Each. They’re under arrest.

Like a Furry Little Chainsaw

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Borensberg, Sweden, where the cops were called to the scene of a massive traffic jam. The officers quickly discovered the cause of the problem. There was a big felled tree blocking the entire roadway. Perhaps the result of an accident, with a car knocking down the tree? Nope. Maybe the tree was dead and had fallen on its own? No. Maybe a busy beaver had brought it down, resulting in the blockage? Yep. After determining the beaver was just doing what beavers do, no charges will be filed.

Did He Steal the Fuzzy Dice, Too?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo Johnny Dorrough was in need of some quick cash. Seeing a deli parking lot full of nice cars, he sprang into action. He went from car to car, stealing the nicest looking hubcaps. As you might expect, this attracted the attention of some of the customers inside the deli. In fact, it attracted the attention of most of the customers inside the deli. You see, a police retirement party was being held at the restaurant and the cars he was stripping belonged to the off duty cops. Oops. About 30 deputies took part in placing him under arrest.