In honor of Halloween, we have a frightfully scary bozo story for you. From Clawson, Michigan, comes the story of a not so loving couple who donned their Halloween costumes and headed to the local bar. Somewhere along the way something went wrong and our bozo couple began screaming at each other with the woman finally being seen hitting her male companion over the head with her purse. Police officers were called and, after investigating, placed the woman under arrest on domestic violence and public intoxication charges. So what makes this incident qualify for the Bozo Criminal Report? It was the not so loving couple’s choice of Halloween costume. She was dressed as an abusive wife and he was an abused husband. Yikes!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Melbourne, Florida, where police were called to a report of a burglary in progress at the local CVS Pharmacy. When they arrived, they could see that someone had been inside, but it appeared the thief had made his getaway. Then, one of the officers noticed a scratching sound coming from the ceiling. It was either the world’s largest rat or…our bozo! Before the cops had time to figure out what was going on, he came crashing through the ceiling, falling to the floor at the feet of the surprised officers. He’s busted!
It’s our first sure sign that winter is on the way. Nope, it’s not geese flying south for the winter. It’s a bozo getting arrested because he left footprints in the snow. From the International File in Boden, Sweden comes the story of our early bird bozo who burglarized a psychiatric ward. Police were called and immediately noticed footprints in freshly fallen snow leading from the facility to a nearby apartment. And inside, a pair of snowy boots and a busted bozo!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from the International File in Stoke-on-Trent, England. It seems our bozo scammed taxpayers out of $1900 in housing and tax benefits by claiming he was single and out of work. His scam might still be going on except for that one mainstay of modern society that is so often the downfall of bozos everywhere…Facebook. It seems he posted a picture of himself on his wife’s facebook acount showing him signing a marriage register. It was then discovered he lives with his wife, who has a steady job. Oops. He’s been charged with theft.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Memphis, Tennessee. It would seem Bozo Danny Sanders was upset with a transaction he made at a local convenience store. He felt the store overcharged him by a penny on a 16-ounce Heineken he purchased. After failing to resolve the issue with the clerk, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911. The 911 operator told him the emergency line was not to be used to settle disputes over being overcharged for beer. Our bozo ignored her and continued to call. After the third call, officers were dispatched and our bozo was placed under arrest. Bonding out of jail cost him $250. He probably thought it should have been $249.99.
Bozo criminal for today from Boca Raton, Florida, thought he had come up with a perfect shoplifting plan. He would check out cars in the parking lot of a local fitness facility, looking for any that were unlocked. He would then reach in and grab what he wanted, stuffing the items into his pants. What he didn’t notice was the police officer who was keeping an eye on the lot. When he got into his sport utility vehicle and attempted his getaway, the cop pulled him over. Oh, did we fail to mention the one other thing our bozo forgot? He failed to zip his pants and the officer could see the stolen items peeking out of the slit in his underwear. He’s been charged with theft of a light fixture, smartphones, jewelry, money and mail. Hew was also found to be in possession of marijuana and a stolen drivers license.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Peet for sending in today’s report from the International File In Bucharest, Romania. Bozo Radu Dogaru is on trial along with five accomplices accused of stealing masterpieces by Gauguin, Monet and Picasso from the Kunsthal museum in Rotterdam. While this crime is certainly no laughing matter, it was a statement made by our bozo’s attorney that merits inclusion into the Bozo Hall of Shame. He said that he and his bozo client were considering suing the Dutch museum because lack of security made his robbery too easy. Sounds like the judge’s job may be easy in this case! Guilty!
Bozo criminal for today from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, must have really been hungry. Bozo Daniel Haynes walked into a Subway around 10am, flashed a gun, and demanded…not money but a sandwich. Just a sandwich, nothing else, not even chips or a drink. Employees prepared the sandwich to his specifications and he took it and ran out of the store. Unfortunately for him, the cops were nearby and he was quickly spotted and arrested. His next sandwich will be of the bologna variety served at the local jail.
Bozo criminals for today from Nashville, Tennessee were a classic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Our unfortunate crooks attempted to snatch a purse in a shopping center parking lot at the same time as Franco Scaramuzza pulled in. So, why did this cause a problem? Well, Scaramuzza just happens to be a fencing coach. And he just so happened to have his equipment with him. He whipped out his epee and charged our bozos and before you could say “En garde”, they dropped the purse and fled. The cops caught up to them shortly thereafter.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Pekin, Illinois, where a police officer clocked bozo Adam Lawry speeding on his motorcycle across the McNaughton Bridge with a female passenger on the back. And we mean really speeding. The gun showed him to be doing 140 MPH, so fast that the officer checked the gun twice to confirm. After verifying, he gave chase and observed our bozo continue to speed and blow through a red light at the end of the bridge. He finally caught up to him when he pulled his bike over and parked between two vehicles. It was when he was asked to explain that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the officer he really, really needed to pee. Sorry, you’re busted! Charged with speeding, fleeing and attempting to elude police, endangering the safety of a minor, reckless driving and disobeying a traffic control device.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Seabrook, New Hampshire, where police were called to a report of a convenience store robbery. The crime scene was somewhat unusual. The store had indeed been robbed, and the getaway car was still outside, but our bozo thief was nowhere to be found. A K-9 team picked up the scent and led the officers to a black backpack, a key that appeared to go to the getaway car, a silver cell phone, a pair of sunglasses, and a piece of shirt that had been used as a mask. Just when it seemed that our thief had vanished into thin air, the dogs turned their attention to a nearby tree. Sure enough, there was our bozo, holding on for dear life. When he came down, he explained how he got into such a situation. It seems that during his hasty exit from the convenience store, he managed to lose his keys, so he did the logical thing. He climbed the nearest tree. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 787890: Delete the history in your computer before pulling your crime. From Weymouth, Massachusetts comes the story of three bozos who were arrested by the cops in connection with a bank robbery. Following leads, the cops tracked our bozos to an address only a few blocks from the bank. After taking them into custody, the cops decided to look for any further incriminating evidence and they found just what they were looking for on one of the computers in the house. The history showed several internet searches for “if you’re going to rob a bank” and “what happens if you rob a bank.” Busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Christian O’Brien for sending in today’s report from Port Chester, New York. Police were called to the scene of an accident where a someone in a pickup had apparently struck another car as it attempted a left turn. The cops were surprised when they discovered there was no one behind the wheel of the truck. Upon further investigation, they noticed a rather lumpy sleeping bag in the bed of the pickup. And inside, our bozo. When asked for his drivers license, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a ticket to a concert by a member of the Grateful Dead that he had attended earlier in the evening. He’s been charged with DWI.
Bozo criminals for today come from Wichita, Kansas, where an unidentified man had driven in from Idaho planning to take scuba diving lessons at the local Adventure Sports. He pulled into town and parked his trailer at the Hampton Inn. And that’s when our bozo thieves struck. They broke into the trailer and stole all his scuba stuff, about $10,000 worth. Undeterred, the man headed down to Adventure Sports the next day to take one of the classes, and while he was there he told the store manager what had happened. You can probably guess what’s coming next. Our bozo thieves, not really knowing what they had, called the store and asked the manager if he bought used scuba equipment. Sure, tha manager said, come on down. The manager called the cops who were there waiting when our bozos arrived. They’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma obviously never learned one of the basic rules of kindergarten: Flush! Bozo Charles Watson broke into a home, and, while ransacking the place, felt the call of nature. He used the homeowner’s toilet and then went back to work gathering up items to steal. Only one thing kept him from making a clean getaway. He forgot to flush. Police officers had the unpleasant job of collecting DNA off of what he left behind, and sure enough they came up with a match. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Brunswick, Ohio, where cops responding to a report of reckless driving spotted bozo Randal Means leaving the local McDonalds at around 1 AM. Instead of pulling over, our bozo led the cops on a short chase before eventually stopping the car. This in itself does not merit inclusion in the Bozo Criminal Report. It was his reason for not pulling over immediately that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he knew he was drunk and just wanted to finish his Big Mac before he was placed under arrest. Hope it was delicious. He’s been charged with drunk driving and fleeing an officer.
There are so many things wrong with what happened in this story from Owasso, Oklahoma that we almost don’t know where to begin. Let’s start with bozo Troy Renfro who stole a computer from a church. And not just any church, it was the one he attended. Bad. His reason for stealing the compluter? So that he could surf the internet for porn sites. Even worse. A small problem, the church computers had a program called Covenant Eyes that tracked the sites that were visited on the computer. Since our bozo didn’t want to be tracked, he called Covenant Eyes and asked them how to remove the monitoring software. Really, really bad idea. The company contacted the cops who used phone call records to track down and bust our bozo.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Peet for sending in today’s report from Kalamazoo, Michigan. It would seem that we need to add a new Bozo Rule for this one: Kick the habit before breaking in. Residents thought someone might be breaking into their house when they heard noises coming from downstairs late one night. Their fears were confirmed when they smelled cigarette smoke. Since nobody in the house was a smoker, they immediately called the cops. Our chain smoking bozo thief was immediately apprehended.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Liverpool, England, where police rushed to St. George’s Hall after a bomb threat was called in. After arriving and finding no bomb, the cops began their investigation. They noticed that a bride had arrived at the venue for her wedding, but the cops could not find any record of a wedding being scheduled for that day. Hmmmm… Upon questioning the groom, they quickly got their answer. It seems bozo groom Neil McIntyre had panicked when the big day arrived and he realized he had not booked St. George’s for the wedding. So, he did what any bozo would do. He called in a bomb threat to cover his mistake. Bad idea. No word on whether the wedding will still be on after he is released from jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Longview, Washington, where bozo Robert Franklin was at the county courthouse, scheduled to appear on an indecent exposure charge. As luck would have it, on that very same day, at that very same moment, Michelle Parker was also at the courthouse to help her sister with a legal matter. It just so happened that Michelle had picked up a cake for her daughter’s 9th birthday party, and, since she was afraid if she left the cake in the car with her dog, the pooch would eat it, she brought the cake into the courthouse and sat it on a table near the metal detector. It was apparently a very beautiful cake, covered in purple frosting. So beautiful, that, when our bozo passed through the metal detector, he couldn’t resist and shoved his hand into it and shoved a fistful into his mouth. That’s when mayhem insued. Cake and frosting flew as the table was overturned and deputies sprang into action to restrain our cake thief, resulting in our bozo facing new charges of third degree theft. On a happier note, the local Safeway offered to replace the cake.