Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

What Did Your Teacher Tell You About Passing Notes?

Bozo criminals for today come from Pensacola, Florida, where our two bozos were awaiting trial in a local courtroom on charges of home invasion and armed robbery when one of the deputies noticed something strange going on. Our two bozos were passing a note back and forth between each other. The deputy intercepted the note and couldn’t believe what it was about. The two bozos were “getting their stories straight” on what to say to the judge. Bad idea. After the note was confiscated, our bozos chose a smarter plan of action. They plead guilty to all charges.

Not Exactly Special Delivery

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bellingham, Washington, where police arrested bozo David Johnson for his misguided attempts at being a modern day Robin Hood. It seems our bozo pulled his pickup truck up to the south side of the county jail and got out carrying his hunting bow and arrow. He took careful aim toward a mesh screen on the second floor outdoor exercise area for inmates. He should have spent more time at target practice, as the arrow missed its target and landed on the roof. When officers retrieved the arrow, they discovered the reason for our bozos ill-fated attempt. He had wrapped a baggie of marijuana around the arrow and was apparently trying to send a care package to an inmate. An eyewittness got our bozo’s license plate number and when the cops paid him a visit he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the officers he had been aiming at a squirrel. Lacking a good explanation for why the squirrel would need a baggie of pot, he was placed under arrest.

The President of What Is Going To Be Where?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Christian O’Brien for sending in today’s report from Syracuse, New York. It seems our bozos for today violated Bozo Rule Number 23114: Keeping up with the daily news is always a good idea. The two juvenile bozos mugged a man on the street, stealing his iPod and headphones. They then made what they thought was a clean getaway, heading toward nearby Henninger High School on foot. Which would have been OK, except for one small detail. President Obama was scheduled to speak there in four hours. Not surprisingly, the area was crawling with cops who were alerted to be on the lookout for our bozos. They’re under arrest.

Another Nascar Dream Comes Crashing Down

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Worcester, Massachusetts. Our bozo’s first mistake was going for a ride in his pickup after imbibing a few adult beverages. Mistake number two was thinking that at 1:18 am it would be OK to run a red light. Mistake number three was being unable to avoid an accident with another car at the intersection, which led to big mistake number four. Our bozo was traveling about 50 MPH when he ran the red light and lost control when swerving to avoid another car at the intersection. His truck slid on its side for about 100 feet before the big no-no happened. He crashed into the other vehicle, with his truck ending up on top of the second car. And this other vehicle just happened to be…a police cruiser. Fortunately, no one was injured in the melee but our bozo was charged with DUI,reckless endangerment,running a red light and speeding.

He Should Have Googled That Question

Bozo criminal for today comes from DeLeon Springs, Florida, where bozo Raymond Carter took a large load of copper to a local scrap yard and, as he was trying to sell it, asked workers there if stealing and selling copper was a misdemeanor or felony. Workers got his name and address and when our bozo left the cops were contacted. After doing some investigating the cops found that our bozo’s employer, an electrical business, was missing 1,911 pounds of copper. Oops. He’s been arrested on charges of dealing in stolen property.

The Cops Liked It Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntington Beach, California, where police posted a picture of a number of suspected vandals on their Facebook page. Bozo Luis Ramiero took a look at the picture of himself and liked it. He then shared the image on his own Facebook page. And before long, his friends were commenting on the picture, saying they recognized him. Oops. The cops were knocking on his door shortly thereafter. He’s busted!

I’d Like To File a Complaint…The Cops Stole My Car

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Williston, North Dakota. It seems 19-year-old Caleb Stone repeatedly rammed his vehicle into the doors of a motorcycle shop in an unsuccessful attempt to break in. A witness called the cops, which led to a brief chase, ending with our bozo abandoning the car and fleeing on foot. Initially it looked like our bozo had made a clean getaway, but, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to head down to the police department the next morning to report the vehicle as stolen. He’s been charged with attempted burglary, criminal mischief, fleeing or attempting to elude police, filing a false report to law enforcement and carrying a concealed weapon in a vehicle.

Next Time Just Go To Popeyes

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Thibodeaux, Louisiana. Our bozo for today, Eric Walker, had a powerful hunger for some crawfish, so he headed down to the local grocery and grabbed a bag. Using the old five fingered discount, he ran from the store without paying and jumped into his car. Unfortunately, the parking lot was full and it was a long run to the car. And it would seem that our bozo may have been eating too many crawfish, among other goodies, as he was so winded from the brief run that he could not blow into the drunk driving preventing ignition interlock device to start his vehicle. His delay in getting the getaway vehicle started enabled workers to take pictures and get his license plate number which they gave to the cops after our bozo finally worked up enough wind to drive away. In one final act of bozodom, when the cops confronted him, he claimed that he had been at work until 4:30 and could not have stolen the mud bugs. The cops politely pointed out that it was not yet 4:30. He’s busted.

No Free Parking Here

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 7766453: Always use good parking techniques. From Rotterdam, New York, comes the story of bozo Matthew Brown who backed his vehicle into a parking space at a truck stop. And he did an exceptionally bad job, too, straddling the line and taking up two parking spaces. Did he try to correct his error? Nope, he just left it parked crookedly and walked away. As luck would have it, a state police investigator was watching the whole thing and he thought he recognized our bozo from a previous arrest. After running the plates, it was revealed that our bozo was wanted on numerous outstanding warrants. He’s under arrest.

There’s a Screw Loose

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 188876: It’s always a good idea to make sure your license plate is secure. From Mansfield, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Robert Sloan who liked to do donuts and burnouts on the local roads. Apparently his car had a lot of horsepower, enough horsepower that he slung off his license plate during one of his donuts. Cops picked up the plate at the scene of the burnouts and our bozo’s buns were burned.

Six Months in Jail and Take a Drivers Ed Course

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bayonne, New Jersey, where bozo Paul Sayers made a quick right turn in traffic, cutting off another driver who had to swerve into the left hand lane to avoid an accident. The guy in the other car honked at our bozo and when the two vehicles ended up side by side at a red light, our bozo rolled down his window and shouted that he was “an off-duty police officer and I’ll >bleep< you up!” Not a good idea, especially when they guy you’re threatening actually is an off-duty police officer. The cop alerted dispatch and followed our bozo until backup arrived. He’s been charged with impersonating a police officer and reckless driving.

Just Take a Number and We’ll Get To You As Soon As We Can

Bozo criminals for today come from Chicago, Illinois, where two bozos, one armed with a squirt gun, entered a restaurant and demanded cash. The owner politely told them that they had come at the restaurant’s busiest time and if they could please come back later when it was less hectic. Since they only lived about a block from the place, our bozos decided to do as he said. When they returned, the cops were waiting for them. Busted!

Maybe It Should Be Missabrain

Bozo criminal for today from Quilcene, Washington, has the distinction of having one of the most unusual names ever, Ulysses Corwin Nevermissashot. Bozo Nevermissashot allegedly robbed a bank teller at gunpoint, getting away with an undisclosed amount of cash. As he fled on foot, witnesses noticed him throw away a cigarette, which the police retrieved, which contained his DNA. But he wasn’t through dropping evidence. He also tossed a black plastic bag which contained the fingerprints of his roommate, who confirmed to the cops that she was missing a box of black plastic bags. Mr. Nevermissashot is presently under arrest.

After Exactly How Many Years Does This Become a Right?

Our Bozo for today from the inappropriately named city of Niceville, Florida, doesn’t qualify as a criminal, but her excuse to the cops certainly qualifies her for Bozo status.  Police were called to a residence after a neighbor overhead a woman screaming death threats at her husband.  Upon investigation, the officers learned the argument arose when the husband refused to get off the phone to spend time with his family.  The woman said she did threaten to kill her husband but she was only “kidding.”  It was her further explanation that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame.  She told the cops they had been married 71 years and it was her “right” to kill him after being married so long.  The cops chose not to argue with her logic and no charges were filed.

Maybe They Should Have Invested In a Really Big Tarp

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syktyvkar, Russia, where our bozo for today came up with a rather unusual item to steal. A road. Yep, he decided to steal 82 segments of reinforced concrete that made up a roadway just outside the city. So, how to you steal a roadway? In this case, you use heavy machinery to load it onto three large trucks. And then there’s the matter of getting it home. Our bozo convoy had just pulled onto the highway when they were spotted by the cops. Uh, do you have a permit for hauling a roadway? No? Busted!

One More Who Won’t Be Reproducing

Our bozo criminal for today certainly got what was coming to him, and the odd thing about it is, he was his own victim. From Norfolk, Virginia, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who went speeding through a residential neighborhood. Homeowners who were outside waved and yelled at the guy, telling him to slow down, there were children playing. This didn’t sit well with our bozo who made a quick u-turn and pulled over. Looking for a confrontation, he got out of the car and reached into his pants to pull out a gun. But before he could remove the weapon, it went off, shooing him in the privates. After being taken to the hospital he was placed under arrest.

Bet He Didn’t Flush Either

Bozo criminal for today forgot one of Mama’s rules: Lock the bathroom door behind you. From Parsippany, New Jersey comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a convenience store around 1a.m. He headed for the bathroom where he sat down on the toilet, pulled out a baggie of marijuana and started breaking the weed up using a $100 bill. Unfortunately for him, a police officer arrived shortly thereafter and needed to use the restroom. And, even more unfortunately, since he didn’t lock the door, the officer walked right in on him doing his business. And this business sent him to jail.

Guess He Told Her to Pack Her Stuff One Time Too Many

Bozo criminal for today is a certified member of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Monroe County, Florida comes the story of bozo Matthew Calder who called 911 to report a rather strange kidnapping. He told the cops his girlfriend was being abducted by two men in a U-Haul truck. The cops arrived and did indeed find a U-Haul truck. And our bozo’s girlfriend was inside. But that’s the only part of the story our bozo got right. It seems his girlfriend was loading her stuff into the U-Haul with the intention of leaving our bozo, who had made up the kidnapping story in an attempt to get her to stay. Didn’t work. She moved out and he went to jail for misuse of 911, public intoxication and resisting arrest.

No Tip For This Valet

A couple of bozos are involved in today’s story from Los Angeles. First is the bozo car valet at a LA restaurant who left a $200,000 car running and unattended. This was too much temptation for bozo number two, Dylan Carter, who jumped into the idling car and sped away. Of course, being a bozo, it never occurred to him that a car worth $200,000 would have a tracking system. The police used the car’sOnStar to track down the vehicle, which they found parked near an American Legion post. The cops staked it out, and, when he returned to the car, they approached him. Our bozo hightailed it, running through the American Legion post and out the back door, where he jumped a fence, ran to a residential area, broke into a home, dressed in the homeowner’s clothes and hid beneath a pile of wood. In spite of his best efforts, the cops tracked him down and placed him under arrest.

Well, He Was Wearing a Mask

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida, where Danielle Adams was enjoying a day at the beach with her two daughters. They were all in the water when Danielle spotted a daring masked bozo thief rifling through her bag. Before she could stop him, our bozo grabbed her pink wallet and scampered away. She gave chase, along with several other folks who saw what had happened. Thinking better of his crime, our bozo dropped the wallet and disappeared into the woods. Police are investigating but say it may be difficult to arrest our bozo. You see, the thief in this case was a raccoon who obviously has a taste for money.