Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Where There’s Smoke, There’s…a Bozo

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boonton, New Jersey, where police spotted a suspicious, parked car. The officers pulled up alongside the car and spotted our bozo, 19 year-old bozo Matthew Mays, sitting behind the wheel and smoking what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette. Any doubt about what he was smoking literally went up in smoke when our bozo blew smoke from his mouth out of his window and into the window of the patrol car. Bad, bad idea. He’s under arrest.

Hope It Was Thin Crust

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Mill, South Carolina, where police were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. When the cops arrived they found pieces of pizza all over the living room floor as well as on the walls. The victim also had pizza sauce on her face,arms and clothing. What caused all this mayhem? Apparently the couple had gotten into an argument while enjoying the pizza and her boyfriend began pelting her with slices. When questioned, he offered up the classic excuse, “She started it.” Didn’t work. He’s been charged with domestic violence.

Guess They Probably Didn’t “Like” the Page Either

Bozo criminal for today once again proves that Bozos and social media just don’t mix. From Fort Lauderdale, Florida, comes the story of bozo Alan Rodriguez who was on probation for a 2008 robbery conviction. One of the terms of his probation was that he was not to possess any firearms. That’s why officers checking out his Facebook page where surprised to discover pictures of our bozo proudly displaying guns at his mother’s home in 2011 and another picture of him firing a pistol last year at a gun range. He should have kept the photos private. He faces as much as 20 years in prison on firearms charges and probation violations.

Another Reason Not To Take Selfies

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Halmstad, Sweden, where a pair of teen girls pulled off a robbery at a local restaurant. The girls, wearing ski masks, threatened kitchen staff with a butcher knife before getting away with an undisclosed amount of cash. A police K-9 officer was able to follow the scent to a nearby residence, where the cops found the ski masks and the knife, along with two teen girls who denied being involved. Their denials might have held up except for one thing. Before the robbery, one of the girls had taken a cellphone picture of herself and the other subject standing in front of a mirror wearing the masks and holding the knife. They’re busted!

Next Time, Keep the Change

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from the International File in Phuket, Thailand. Our unidentified bozo, wearing the unlikely getup of a pink raincoat, shorts, motorcycle helmet and a surgical mask, walked into a convenience store and demanded cash. He got away with 2200 baht (about $71). A few minutes later our bozo returned and gave back a 10 baht coin, apparently thinking if he gave some of the money back it would lessen his crime should be be caught. Not sure about that, but we are sure he shouldn’t have brought the money back. Cops were able to ID him from a fingerprint left on the returned coin. He’s busted!

Next Time Try Roses

For today, we present another story from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Kato Ambelia, Greece, comes the story of an unidentified 16 year old bozo who was treated for a gunshot wound to the foot. He told investigating officers he accidentally shot himself while trying to ward off a home intruder. When the details of his story didn’t add up, he finally told the cops the truth. He had taken his father’s gun and shot himself in the foot on purpose. And the reason? He wanted to impress a girl he was interested in. Don’t know if that worked, but we do know his father has been charged of illegal gun possession and neglect.

And You Thought the Hamburglar Was Trouble

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Whitefield, England, where an unidentified bozo rode her horse up to the drive-thru lane at the local McDonalds. The clerk told her that due to company policy they could not serve her on horseback. So, she did what any bozo would do. She left the drive-thru lane and brought the horse in through the front door of the restaurant, where he promptly gave his opinion of the place by doing his business on the floor. She was charged with causing alarm and distress. No word if she ever got her Big Mac.

But, Joe Biden Told Me To

Not sure there’s really any criminal activity involved here, but someone’s a bozo. And just who that is may depend on your political affiliation. From Vancouver, Washington, comes the story of Jeffery Barker who is accused by the police of firing his shotgun into the air to scare off prowlers who were outside his home. The cops said there was no evidence of any prowlers on his property and allege that Mr. Brown illegally discharged a firearm. Mr. Brown offers a form of executive privilege as his defense, saying he was just following the instructions of Vice President Joe Biden. He sites a question and answer session with the Vice President in February in which he said, “If you want to protect yourself, get a double-barreled shotgun.” We eagerly await the judge’s decision on this one.

Dat’s a Happy Puddy Tat

We’ve had several cases of bozo criminals being betrayed by man’s best friend, but this is the first known instance of his faithful feline companion ratting him out to the cops. From the International File in Villorba, Italy, comes the story of an unidentified bozo whose home was being searched by the cops after being tipped off that cocaine was being sold out of the residence. The search was going nowhere until one of the cops noticed the man’s cat repeatedly licking the floor. Upon further investigation, it was discovered kitty had a taste for cocaine and was trying to lick traces of the drug off the floor. The cops found nearly 9 ounces of cocaine hidden in the apartment and our bozo was placed under arrest. No word on whether Sylvester was sent to rehab.

But He Really Did Look Like Him

Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa Beach, Florida, where bozo David Lunsford knocked on the door of a residence, forced his way in and began choking the homeowner. The man and our bozo struggled for a short time until the man was able to break free. Our bozo then took a good look at him and said, “You are the wrong man,” and left. The cops were called and, using a description of the vehicle, were able to track him down. Upon questioning, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the police he believed his girlfriend was cheating on him and wanted to confront the man he had seen her with earlier in the day. Unfortunately, he went to the wrong house. The cops told him that, unfortunately, that was no excuse. H’es been charged with burglary of an occupied dwelling and simple battery.

Honest, I Thought There Was Sunscreen In the Box

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom implemented Bozo Rule Number 98456: Don’t walk around naked while carrying a box full of illegal drugs. From the International File in Olso, Norway, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was spotted by the cops walking around naked on a public street and carrying a large box. Upon questioning, it was discovered that the box was filled with drugs, believed by the cops to be amphetamine. He’s been charged with indecent exposure and possession of illicit drugs.

He Should Have Called His Lawyer Instead

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Port Richey, Florida, where bozo Richard Olsen was checking out the sheriff’s office Facebook page when he noticed something interesting. He was listed on the page as the “Fugitive of the Day” and he decided to take matters into his own hands. He posted that he was in the hospital at the time of the alleged robbery and was framed by a “crack head.” The cops quickly posted a reply, offering to discuss the warrant with him and giving him a number to call. Instead of calling, our bozo kept posting to the Facebook page, defending his innocence. Probably not the best idea. After giving him a reasonable time to call, the cops staked out his apartment and placed him under arrest.

That One For the Road Was a Bad Idea

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooksville, Florida, where bozo David McIntyre was pulled over by the cops for a broken tail light. As the officer was talking to our bozo, he noticed he had something behind his ear. Upon further inspection, that something turned out to be a marijuana cigarette. This is perhaps the worst place to store your extra joint. Especially when you can’t pass a field DUI test and even more especially when you’re on felony probation for manslaughter. He’s under arrest.

Another Reason to Join AAA

Bozo criminal for today comes from Solon, Ohio, where bozo Chuck Medina locked his keys inside his car. Not knowing what else to do, he dialed 911 and asked the dispatcher to send someone to help. Since it was a slow night, an officer was sent over, but it probably wasn’t the sort of help our bozo was expecting. After the cop got the door open, he was met with the overwhelming odor of fresh marijuana coming from inside the car. Upon further investigation, 37 packets of pot and $426 in cash were found inside our bozo’s car. He’s been charged with felony drug possession.

Assault With a Friendly Weapon

Over the years, we have had many, many reasons for the arrests of our bozos, but today’s has to be the strangest. Police in Bradenton, Florida were called to resolve a dispute over the placement of a fence between two residences. The officer was talking to one of the neighbors, bozo Peggy Haynes, when “she approached and kissed him on the nose against his will.” Must have been quite a kiss, as the officer, with the help of another deputy, “gently” took our bozo to the ground and handcuffed her. Maybe she should have used some mouthwash first. She’s been charged with felony battery.

Honest, Officer, I Have No Idea How It Got In There!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk “Sharkey” for sending in today’s report from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Erin Mitchell went to police headquarters to report her cell phone had been stolen from her car. She was accompanied by her “friend”, bozo Patrick Hathaway who waited in the lobby while Erin talked to an officer. And that’s when things started to go bad for our bozo. An officer heard the sound of a cell phone vibrating inside our bozo’s shorts. The cop asked our bozo if he had the phone, which he denied. He then proceeded to empty his pockets, showing he had only a wallet. Our bozo then headed for the door, followed by the officer who stopped him and patted him down, causing the phone in question to fall from his shorts to the floor. Oops. He’s been charged with theft and public drunkenness.