Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Is There a Drivers Ed Course for Skid Loaders?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Grand Island, Nebraska, where our unidentified bozo decided to use a stolen skid loader to steal an ATM. Good idea, if you know how to drive a skid loader. Unfortunately, our bozo didn’t. It all started off fairly well, as our bozo busted through the small brick building housing the ATM, got it into the front bucket and attempted his getaway. That’s when things started to go wrong. First, he lost control of the loader, crashed through a fence and into the wall of a school. Fortunately, no one was injured and our bozo continued on, destroying several more fences before finally dumping the ATM in an attempt to speed up his getaway. And then the skid loader stalled, leaving our bozo to attempt to flee on foot. He didn’t get very far. He’s busted!

This Rooftop Does Look Awfully Comfy

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California, where police responded to a report of a burglary. Our bozo suspect fled, and, deciding the best escape route was up, headed to the roof of a three story apartment building. The cops set up a perimeter and were planning their next move when they noticed our bozo remove his shirt. Nope, it wasn’t because he was hot. It was because it was time for his nap and he needed a pillow. Yep, he bunched his shirt up underneath his head and laid that tired body down. He’s under arrest.

A Man’s Gotta Look Good

Bozo criminal for today comes from Golden, Colorado, where police are looking for a well-groomed bozo suspected of stealing more than $2600 worth of products from several Walgreens stores. It was what he stole that makes this story interesting. His take included teeth-whitening strips, weight-loss pills, probiotics, condoms, Rogaine, and other hair growth products. Police at this time are looking for the suspect. We at the Bozo Criminal Report would suggest they look on match.com.

It Was, Um, Like a Lab Experiment

It remains to be determined whether or not our bozos for today are actually criminals, but they certainly deserve the award for Bozo Excuse of the Month. From the International File in Helsingborg, Sweden, comes the story of a pair of bozo workers at the Swedish Customs offices who were found to be growing a number of marijuana plants on the grounds of the customs building. When questioned by the cops, they said they were only growing the plants as an experiment “to find out how fast they grow.” Uh-huh. Police say the investigation is ongoing.

Next Time Try Next Door

Bozo criminal for today apparently forgot Bozo Rule Number 11458: Third time is the charm doesn’t apply in the Bozo World. From North Miami Beach, Florida, comes the story of bozos John Hardy and Nelson Norris who targeted the Spinnakers Lounge for a burglary. On the night of February 6, they broke into the kitchen. They returned with another break-in on February 19. On March 4, they attempted to break in again but were unsuccessful. Seeing a pattern developing here, the manager decided to stay at the business after closing on March 5. Sure enough, our bozos returned for another try. Bad idea. She called the cops and our bozos were arrested as they were attempting to leave through the front door.

And They Don’t Have Any Clean Towels, Either!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon where a homeowner returned to her residence to find bozo Timothy Calder making himself at home and taking a shower. He jumped out, identified himself and, rather than fleeing, went for his cell phone, which he used to dial 911. He told the operator “I just broke into a house and the owners came home…I think they might have guns.” Yep, our bozo burglar called the cops to report the homeowners were armed. The homeowner also dialed 911 to report the burglar. Not surprisingly, he’s under arrest.

He Was Either a Thief or a Mexican Wrestler

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spring Hill, Florida, where bozo Phillip Starkey donned a ski mask, walked into a pizza shop, flashed a knife and demanded money. The clerk wasn’t having any of it and told him to scram, which he did, quickly removing his mask in the parking lot. Not the best idea. A bystander who saw him walking out of the store and removing his mask decided to follow him in his car, all the while dialing 911. The cops arrived a short time later and found our bozo in possession of the knife and the ski mask. He’s busted!

Celebrate With That Drink After You Get Home

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Palma, Spain, where our unidentified bozo broke into a bar. Like a kid in a candy store, he just couldn’t resist partaking in what he found there. As you might expect, he also didn’t know when to say when. And before you could say Jack Daniels, he was quite drunk. Conveniently, there was a couch where he could lay down for a quick nap. Unfortunately, that nap turned into a Rip Van Winkle snooze. He was still sleeping it off when the cops arrived. He’s busted!

Someone’s “Daffy” and It’s Not Necessarily the Duck

Bozo criminal for today comes from Honolulu, Hawaii, where an unidentified bozo was scheduled to go to the courthouse to meet with his probation officer. We can only assume he brought along items he thought were essential…two 40-ounce bottles of beer and a duck. Security discovered the cargo and when he refused to hand over the bag, he was placed under arrest. The duck was taken to a safe house.

Pop Your Tags Somewhere Else

Bozo criminal for today from Longmont, Colorado, may have grounds for a “justifiable” bozo criminal action. Police were called to an apartment on a report of a domestic disturbance. Upon arrival, they learned that it was the victim’s birthday and she and her boyfriend had been “celebrating.” Apparently the celebration got out of hand when her boyfriend started serenading her with his version of the popular song “Thrift Shop.” She told the cops she asked him to stop singing the annoying song “25 times” before literally taking matters into her own hands. She grabbed him around the throat and began choking him while yelling at him to stop. While the cops were sympathetic, our bozo was arrested on charges of harassment and domestic violence.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Vero Beach, Florida, where the 911 operator received a very unusual call. It was from a 19 year old bozo who called to complain that he “didn’t like how his mom was talking to him.” After receiving a stern warning from the operator that the 911 line was not for complaining about one’s mother, our bozo ignored the advise and called back again to once again air his grievances. Bad idea. Cops were dispatched and our bozo was charged with abuse of 911.

Cowabunga!!

Bozo criminals for today come from Riverton, Wyoming, where three bozos broke into a residence and stole several items, including a samurai sword. But their very un-ninja like escape plan led to their arrest. They failed to cover their tracks as they walked from the scene the crime back to their home nearby, leaving clear tracks in the snow for the cops to follow. Police found the stolen items, along with marijuana and drug paraphernalia in their possession. They’re busted!

Next Time Bring Your Own Water Bottle

Bozo criminals for today come from Medford, Oregon, where two unidentified bozos stole collectible coins, electronics and jewelry in a home break-in. As you might imagine, you can work up a powerful thirst doing such hard bozo work. And during the course of the crime, our bozos took a break, got some orange juice out of the refrigerator and enjoyed the refreshing beverage. Unfortunately they left the container sitting on the counter when they left. Cops were able to get DNA evidence from the carton, and it matched the two suspects in an FBI database. They’re busted!

And Maybe the Mummy, Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from Temecula, California, where bozo Jerimiah Harper stole a truck loaded with strawberries from a weigh station on I-15. He didn’t get very far before he collided with a couple of other vehicles, losing control of the truck and flipping it onto its side on the interstate. Our bozo then climbed into a van and demanded a ride, but the driver was having none of that and pulled him out of the vehicle, holding on to him until the cops arrived. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he was being chased by zombies and really needed to get away. The cops obviously were not fans of the Walking Dead and placed him under arrest for DUI

Maybe He Should Have Made It a Written Complaint

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah, where bozo Gordon Thompson was still upset about an arrest for DUI which occurred several months ago. So, he decided to go to the source of his problems to complain. Unfortunately, he considered the source of his problems to be a state trooper. And he showed up at the trooper’s house with a can of beer in his hand. Not the best way to register a complaint. He’s been charged with suspicion of witness tampering, trespassing, public intoxication and resisting arrest.

First Check the Italian Food Section

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clinton Township, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo walked into a bank, set a cloth bag on the counter, stated that the bag contained a bomb and demanded cash from the teller. Thinking the bag looked like it could contain explosives, and, not wanting to take any chances, the teller gave our bozo an undisclosed amount of money. The bozo, described as being a heavy set woman of about 60 years of age, then fled, leaving the bag behind. The building was evacuated and a bomb squad was called in. After X-Raying the bag, it was discovered to contain…two cans of spaghetti sauce. Police are still looking for the suspect.

He Should Have First Stolen Some Water Wings

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boca Raton, Florida, where bozo Tyler Carpenter spotted a cell phone laying in a baby stroller and tried to steal it, along with the stroller. But he didn’t count on the firm grip the family’s 12 year old daughter had on the stroller. Quickly changing plans, he simply grabbed the phone out of the stroller and ran away, with the husband in hot pursuit. As the husband was gaining on him, our bozo jumped over some bushes and into a canal, but not before discarding the phone because he didn’t want to “damage it by getting it wet.” Sounds like a good escape plan except for one thing. Our bozo forgot he couldn’t swim. When he reached the deep water in the middle of the canal, he began to call for help. About that time, the police arrived, pulled him out and placed him under arrest.

Honestly, There Must Be a Misprint on the Receipt!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Chester, Pennsylvania, where bozo Latrell Thompson parked her dad’s Lexus in a high-crime area and left to watch Fourth of July fireworks. When she returned, the car had been broken into and more than $116,000 worth of jewelry, an iPad and pricey sunglasses were missing. And our bozo even had the receipts to back up the value of the stolen items. Only one problem. The receipts for the jewelry were dated 2008 and 2009, and the jewelry store did not exist then, only having opened in 2011. Oops. She’s busted!

Looks Like Benny Hill Has Turned To a Life of Crime

Bozo criminal for today from Redding, California, made a number of mistakes when he attempted to rob a grocery store. First, his wardrobe. He selected brightly colored patterned pajama pants and a jacket. Second, he initially forgot his disguise. Security cameras clearly show him walking up to the window of the store and peering in, only to return a few moments later with his face covered by a black stocking. And third, his attempt at breaking in lacked planning. He picked up a rock and hurled it at the window, but succeeded in only cracking it. Seeing that things weren’t going according to plan, he attempted to flee, only to trip and fall on a curb, not once but twice. Miraculously, he has so far avoided capture.

And You Should Have Seen What He Was Going to Give as a Tip

Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where bozo Michael Morrison took a cab ride and when he got to his destination he didn’t have the $8 fare. No problem, he told the cabbie, just wait here for a minute and I’ll be back with your money. The cabbie agreed after our bozo offered to leave his cell phone behind. When he returned, he still didn’t have the cash but instead handed the cabbie a baggie of marijuana. Unfortunately, the whole transaction was in full view of uniformed police officers who were nearby. He’s busted!