Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Couldn’t They Just Buy a New Pipe?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska, where police were called to a residence after a report of a robbery. And, when they arrived, they were a bit surprised at what was reported as stolen. Two hookah pipes. While questioning the victims, the officers noticed marijuana, paraphernalia and several bottles of fertilizer lying around. And there was one other thing that was unusual. A bright light shining from under a door barred with a padlock with an extension cord snaking into the room. Yep, it was a marijuana “grow” room. They’re busted.

The Boss of What, Exactly?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from DeLeon Springs, Florida, where bozo Jose Sanchez walked into the local Wells Fargo bank, headed straight for the manager’s office and said he was the boss of the bank and wanted “stacks of cash.” The fact that he was wearing sweats and headphones did not help his credibility. When the manager turned him down, he started banging on teller’s windows, again demanding money. Teller #1 asked for a debit or check card; teller #2 asked for his drivers license, which caused him to reply, “I don’t need it. I’m the boss.” He’s now the boss at the local jail as he’s under arrest.

An Entirely Different “Force” Was With Them

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake City, Florida, where a group of 14 women were having a jewelry party at a residence when they were interrupted by our gun-toting bozo. He demanded they hand over their money and cell phones and threatened them with what appeared to be a water pistol. One of the women decided the best defense in this situation was to call on a higher power and shouted, “In the name of Jesus, get out of my house now!”. The other women joined in and soon they were all shouting, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Quickly seeing that he was outnumbered, our bozo ran out the door as fast as he could go. Armed with a good description from 14 witnesses, the cops made a quick arrest.

Yeah, But Mine Is Bigger Than Yours

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report from Knoxville, Tennessee. Our unidentified bozo walked into a Dollar General store wearing a dark hoodie and a “wrestling mask” and asked a customer where a clerk was. He was directed to the the store manager who was stocking shelves. He then ordered the manager to open the safe, but the manager declined. Our bozo then repeated his request and added that he had a knife. The unflappable manager said, “Well, I have a bigger one,” and placed his hand in his pocket. Thinking this might not be the best day for a robbery, our bozo turned tail and fled.

Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor Dark of Night…

Bozo criminal for today showed a persistance that the Post Office from days gone by would be envious of. A bozo lady of the evening from Salem, Oregon, received a request for her services through phone and text messages. And even though the potential client was 50 miles away, she headed out. And even though the location for the tryst was the Salem Police Department, she continued on. And even though she walked past several uniformed officers and numerous “Police Department” signs she continued on before arriving at her destination…an unmarked door. And, when she tried to contact her client…she was busted, the apparently unwitting victim of a very obvious police department sting.

Wonder If He Sounded Like Eddie Murphy?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Juan de Acosta, Colombia, comes the story of three bozos who were planning a heist from a local store. First they needed a getaway vehicle, so they stole a 10-year-old donkey to serve as their pack mule. But, unfortunately for them, they did not ask the donkey if he wanted to be an accomplice, as we shall soon see. Our bozos led the donkey to the shop and had him wait outside while they broke in and stole rum, oil, rice, cans of tuna and sardines. When they began to load their loot on to the back of the donkey he began to let out a series of “hee-haws” in protest. The loud protestations continued until local cops came to investigate the ruckus. Our bozos were placed under arrest. Our hero the donkey was safely returned to his owner, but not before being detained by the cops for 12 hours. Guess it took that long for him to give a statement.

What Do You Mean There’s No “Open” Button

Bozo criminals for today come from Springfield, Massachusetts, where three masked men, one of them armed with a handgun, burst into a Chines restaurant and demanded cash. The clerk quickly fled to the back of the restaurant, leaving our bozos alone in front of the cash register. Perfect, right? Well, not exactly. Try as they might, none of our bozos could figure out how to open the contraption to get access to the cash inside. After several frustrating minutes, our bozos finally gave up and left empty handed. Guess this was one Chinese place that wasn’t “take out.”

What, No Dessert?

It’s not even Valentine’s Day yet but it would appear the thoughts of at least one bozo have already turned to romance. From Manatee, Florida, comes the story of bozo James Franks who is accused of shoplifting $80 worth of beer, wine and steaks from a Walmart store. When questioned by the cops, he gave them the bozo excuse of the week. He told the police he needed the items “to impress a lady.” While all the world may love a lover, the cops apparently didn’t agree. He’s under arrest.

Maybe He Was Trying To Win Enough To Pay Back the Bank

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Bozo Andrew Barker walked into a bank and handed the teller a note demanding cash. After getting $2000 our bozo made a hasty exit and headed straight for…nope, not his getaway car. Instead he headed to the bar across the street where he sat down at a bank of video poker machines and began playing two of them at once. Bank employees called the cops and when the police arrived our bozo was so engrossed in his poker playing that he had to be asked several times to stop what he was doing and place his hands on his head. When he instead reached for something in his pocket he was tased and placed under arrest.

A True Buckethead

Bozo criminal for today from Slidell, Louisiana, made a number of crucial errors in his attempt at a career as a thief. Mistake number one: He chose as his victim a restaurant where he was formerly employed and was known. Mistake number two: He forgot that the restaurant had security cameras. Mistake number three: He failed to bring along a mask. Mistake number four: After being caught on said security cameras, he chose to use a bucket for a disguise. Too little too late. He’s under arrest.

And A Wet Willie Will Get You 30 Days

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report form Bradenton, Florida, where bozo Charles Adams was well known around town for pulling pranks on people while taking video footage, which he would later post on YouTube. His latest prank apparently went too far. He went to a local movie theatre where he is accused of giving wedgies to strangers while recording their reactions. The problem? One of his victims didn’t see the humor in his stunt and decided to press charges. He’s under arrest.

He Probably Asked For a Name Tag,Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where bozo Christopher Cook thought he had come up with the perfect crime. He would pose as a fire inspector and visit offices around the city allegedly to look for violations. While making his rounds, he would grab various items and simply walk out with them. At the Art Institue of Philadelphia he managed to swipe two laptops by concealing them under his coat, and only after he had left were the items were noticed as missing. So, what did he do to get caught, and, more importantly, qualify himself as a bozo? Before entering the office, he was required to sign in at the front desk. And, of course he signed in using his real name. He’s busted!

Gun 1, Cattle Prod 0

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida, where bozo Lance Thompson walked into a convenience store armed with his weapon of choice, a cattle prod. He threatened the clerk with it and demanded cash. The clerk then reached under the counter and pulled his weapon of choice, a handgun. The clerk’s weapon won. Our bozo quickly saw the error of his ways and attempted to flee the scene. But as you might expect, a bozo carrying a cattle prod is pretty easy for the cops to spot. He’s under arrest.

But It Always Looks Like So Much Fun In the Movies

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vichy, Missouri, where police officers were helping a stranded motorist when bozo David Ward pulled up next to them, revved the engine in his car and asked the cops if they wanted to race. Needless to say, this was not a good idea. He peeled out with the cops in hot pursuit and a chase ensued at speeds of up to 90 miles per hour before he was hemmed in and placed him under arrest. He’s been charged with DUI, resisting arrest, theft, and probation violations. Guess he won’t be pursuing a career in NASCAR any time soon.

Guess the Wal-Mart Lot Was Full

Bozo criminal for today comes from Windham, New Hampshire, where bozo Jonathan Walker got sleepy after an evening of drinking. And, not wanting to be a threat to himself or anyone else, he pulled over to sleep it off. It was where he pulled over that caused all the problems. In the Windham Police Department parking lot. Officers noticed the car parked in a restricted area with the motor running and upon further investigation found our bozo passed out in the front seat. He’s been charged with DUI.

The Cops Didn’t “Like” This One

Bozo criminal for today comes from Astoria, Oregon, where bozo Jacob Caldwell sideswiped a car after an evening of drinking. There were no witnesses and our bozo fled the scene. But he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. After he returned home, he posted on his Facebook page, “Drivin drunk…classic ;) but to whoever’s vehicle I hit I am sorry.” His heart may have been in the right place for apologizing but that didn’t stop the cops from tracking him down and arresting him after one of the officers noticed the Facebook posting. He’s busted!

The McRib Is Only Available For a Limited Time

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pontiac, Michigan where our unidentified bozo headed to his neighborhood McDonalds to pick up a meal. When he pulled up to the drive-thru window, a worker thought he looked awfully familiar. She was certain he was the same guy who had robbed the place there a couple of months back. She gave him his food and got a description of his car and the license number before calling the cops. Turns out she has a really good memory. Cops arrested him a few blocks away from the restaurant.

And It’s Not Even Valentines Day Yet

Our bozo for today from New York City comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems our unidentified bozo found a iPhone in a NYC cab. When he started using a dating app on the phone, the owner of the phone was notified by email of the activity. So, he came up with the perfect plan to catch a lovesick bozo. He logged on to the site and offered the man a date, posing as a woman and including a picture of a beautiful girl. Of course our bozo took the bait and showed up at the appointed location with a bottle of wine. The phone’s owner greeted him with a hammer and a $20 bill-just in case. Our bozo handed him the phone without a word.

Sounds LIke They Started Their New Year’s Celebrations a Little Early

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from the International File in Beaudesert, Australia. On New Year’s Eve, our bozos staked out a jewelry store to rob. They began their attempt at a break-in by throwing spark plugs at the window of the store. When that didn’t shatter the glass, they hatched a more elaborate plan. They would break into the store through the rear doors. And break in they did, but unfortunately it was into the rear of a nearby store, not the jewelry shop. Figuring they had to be close, they punched a hole in the wall of a bathroom and broke into…the Kentucky Fried Chicken next door. Thinking they better take what they could get, our bozos grabbed some cash and left. But not before employees got a good description of them. They were arrested a short time later.

Too Bad They Didn’t Pocket Dial a Lawyer

Bozo criminals for today come from Naples, Florida, where two bozos walked into a hotel and demanded money from the clerk. They were given an unspecified amount of cash and, after they left, the clerk was preparing to call the cops when the front desk phone rang. On the other end of the line, the clerk could hear a conversation between two people discussing the robbery they had just committed. Yep, our bozos pocket dialed the front desk of the hotel they had just robbed. They’re busted!