Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

It’s a Wonder He Didn’t Leave a Business Card, Too

Our bozo for today provides yet another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Delray Beach, Florida, comes the story of bozo Jonathan Carter who robbed a cellphone store, getting away with a phone and $2000 in cash. The owner, who had previously dealt with our bozo as a customer, reported the crime to the cops but also decided to do a little high tech detective work on his own. He plugged the cellphone number that he had for our bozo into Facebook and discovered he lived in a nearby city and had a picture of himself posted with the caption “Crime Pays.” He then did a Google search for the city and the bozo’s name and turned up a mug shot from a previous arrest. A little more snooping among his Facebook friends turned up a Twitter account with our bozo’s real name. He’s busted!

If Only Bullwinkle Had Been With Them

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fleming Island, Florida, where bozo Warren Means was pulled over by the cops after they observed him crossing the center line, then veering back to the right, running off the road and almost hitting a parked vehicle. It was when they questioned him about the reason for his reckless driving that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the deputies that he was being eaten by the squirrel inside his shirt. Upon further investigation, the cops found that our bozo did indeed have a squirrel inside his shirt, but his claims of being “eaten” were greatly exaggerated. He was arrested and charged with DUI. Police say the vehicle and the squirrel were turned over to our bozo’s girlfriend for safe keeping.

Guess He Couldn’t Find a Tow Truck

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Castle, Delaware, where Bozo David Hansen had a dispute with a repair shop over work that had been done on his truck. The shop had been holding the vehicle because our bozo had refused to pay. So, he did what any bozo would do. He broke into the impound lot and stole his own car. It was the method that he used to steal it that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Driving a front-end loader , he broke through the fence and picked it up and drove away. Guess he didn’t think that a truck being carried by a front end loader would attract much attention. It did. He was arrested after leading the cops on a 35 minute chase down a highway, through a housing development, into a corn field, and finally ending up in a pond.

Possession Is Nine Tenths of the Law Doesn’t Work Either

Bozo criminal for today obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 100900: Finders Keepers is not an acceptable defense. From Tamarac, Florida, comes the story of bozo Michael Fletcher who was in the local Home Depot when he noticed another customer had dropped some money on the floor. He quickly scooped up the $29 and headed for the store’s exit, shouting “Finders keepers” when he was confronted by a store employee. Police were called and tracked our bozo to his home where they found him in possession of a small crack rock he said he had purchased with the cash he “found” at the store. He’s been charged with aggravated battery, petit theft, possession of cocaine and resisting a police officer.

This Kitchen Floor Looks Really Comfortable

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report, which highlights a violation of Bozo Rule Number 554389: Always take a nap before pulling a Bozo job. From Rock Creek, Oregon, comes the story of Bozo Cristian Carrera who apparently broke into a residence, ransacked the place and began gathering items to steal. Obviously, this is hard work, and our bozo just wasn’t prepared for such a workout. He quickly became exhausted and felt the need to lie down on the kitchen floor and take a little nap. That’s where the homeowner found him. And he was still snoozing when the police arrived. He’ll have plenty of chances to catch up on his sleep on a nice jailhouse bed.

Oh, You Wanted MY ID?

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Charles, Missouri, where bozo Travis Moore was pulled over by the cops on a traffic violation. When the cop asked our bozo for his name, he gave him a fake one. Which could have been a good idea except for the fact that man whose name he gave was wanted in connection with an armed robbery. Obviously realizing the error of his ways, our bozo sped off while the officer was waiting for backup to arrive. He didn’t get very far, however, as he drove his car off the road and into a creek. He’s now been charged with resisting arrest by fleeing, driving with a suspended license and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Drinks Are On Me!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami Beach, Florida, where bozo David Watkins walked into a local watering hole and ordered up a beer, handing the bartender a credit card. The bartender noticed something awfully familiar on the card…his own name. It would seem our bozo broke into a car in a nearby parking garage and stole the credit card. And, as luck would have it, the car that the broke into belonged to the bartender. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested on charges of theft and fraud.

What’s YOUR Sleep Number?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Putnam Township, Michigan, where an unidentified couple was sleeping soundly in their bed when they were disturbed by someone crawling in beside them. The couple leapt up and called 911, leaving our tired and drunk bozo to sleep it off until the police came. When the officers arrived, our bozo woke up, took an look around and said, “This isn’t my house.” No kidding. Apparently he lives a few doors down and, after a night of drinking, got the houses mixed up. He’s been charged with illegal entry.

Now Junior, I Told You Not To Play With Guns

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where 18-year-old bozo Michael Harvey spotted a handgun he really wanted at a party, so he made an offer for it and the owner sold it to him. When he got it home and was looking it over, he accidentally shot himself. And it wasn’t just a flesh wound, either. The poor bozo shot himself in the penis and testicle. Ouch. Ouch. He at first tried to lie to the cops, telling them someone shot him while walking down the street. But after the cops took a look around and found marijuana in the house he decided to ‘fess up. He’s busted!

Does This Make Me Look Fat?

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Jose, California, where bozo Juan Cortez led police on a high-speed chase after officers tried to pull him over for speeding. Our bozo eventually crashed his car and fled from the officers on foot. Perhaps thinking he could find a hiding place between a couple of buildings, he soon found himself in a tight spot. Far too tight, it would seem, as he became stuck in an 18-inch space between the two buildings. Not able to go forward or backward, our stuck bozo was eventually freed by police using ladders and ropes. When extracted, the police were surprised to discover our bozo was clad only in a trash bag. He’s been charged with hit and run and driving with a suspended license.

No Clean Getaway For This Bozo!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Windber, Pennsylvania, where bozo Bobby Swan went down to the local home improvement store and took a look around the toilet department. Finding one he liked, he headed, not for the checkout lane, but for the returns department. Yep, he didn’t even bother to pay for the thing before trying to exchange it for $600 in gift cards. Unfortunately for him, the clerks thought something “smelled” and checked the security cameras which captured the whole episode. He’s busted!

Just Call Him Bully Le Pew

Bozo criminal for today comes from the four-legged department in Lesogorsk, Russia. Police were called to an apartment building where there was a report of an intruder on the fifth floor. And when they arrived they discovered an angry looking bull pawing the ground outside the front door of the building. Once inside the building, the found the place in disarray with furniture overturned and many items broken. But it was not until they climbed up five flights of stairs that they discovered the source of the problem. A very distressed cow who had rejected the amorous intentions of the bull downstairs and had climbed five flights of stairs to get away from him. Understandably, she wasn’t interested in leaving, either. The cops had to lasso Old Bossy and drag her, mooing in protest, down the stairs and through the lobby, while another group of cops corralled the bull. The story had a happy ending, for the cow anyway, as she was safely returned to her pasture. No charges have been filed as yet against the bull.

There Was This Giant One-Eyed Purple Monster Chasing Me, Officer!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Volusia County, Florida where our unidentified 18-year-old bozo awoke from an extremely strange dream. And the dream was so vivid that he was quite sure that it was really real. When his parents didn’t believe him, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911. When the officers arrived and discovered that he had actually called them to report a bad dream, they gave him a stern talking to and warned him to only call 911 when there was an actual emergency. His parents even took his phone to keep him from calling again. Didn’t work. About 40 minutes later our bozo went next door and used the neighbor’s phone to call 911 again. When the officers arrived and he told them the same story about his dream, this time they weren’t so understanding. He’s been charged with misuse of the 911 system.

If Only They Hadn’t Skipped That Drivers Ed Class

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report form Knoxville, Tennessee. It seems two teenagers spotted a nice looking car they wanted to steal. So, when the driver stopped at a red light, one of them walked up to the car and asked for a cigarette. The other teen then pulled a gun on the distracted driver and ordered him out of the car. The next part of their plan was to speed away and enjoy the rest of the evening driving around in such a cool car. However, there was one thing they failed to take into account. The car had a stick shift and neither one of them knew how to drive it. They quickly stalled the car and, try as they might, couldn’t get it to go. By the time they decided to give up, police officers were nearby and were quickly able to apprehend our bozos