Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

And It Wasn’t Even Valentine’s Day

Bozo criminals for today from San Antonio, Texas prove that love does indeed conquer all. It seems bozo Trelia Wilson went into the the local Family Dollar store and attempted to shoplift a couple of items before being detained by store employees. Her boyfriend was watching from the getaway car and, when he saw she was having problems, came inside to help her. Employees let our two bozos escape but quickly called the cops with a description of them and their car, which quickly led to their arrest. And that’s when our story took a different turn. After our bozos were arrested and taken downtown, bozo boyfriend decided this would be the perfect time to declare his love for bozo girlfriend and propose marriage. She accepted. The “happily ever after” part remains to be seen.

And Officer, Listen to What I Did Yesterday

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Buffalo, New York, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole 24 pair of sneakers from the local Kohl’s store. Thinking this was too easy, she returned the very next day and loaded 12 more pair of sneakers into her cart and headed for the nearest exit. This time they were looking for her and she was caught and held for police. She would have been charge with petit larceny except for one thing. She just couldn’t resist bragging to the cops about her successful theft the day before. Busted! Your charges have just been raised to grand larceny.

Undercover At the Donut Shop

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vero Beach, Florida, where employees of Dunkin’ Donuts told police that bozo Joseph Haynes had entered the shop several times and demanded free donuts, coffee and ice cream. His reason for the special treatment? He claimed to be a DEA and CIA agent who was working undercover at the donut shop to investigate “crooked cops.” Some not so crooked cops were called and our bozo was arrested on a felony charge of falsely impersonating an officer.

You Want What Kind of Test?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Portland, Maine, where bozo Remus Oates was involved in an accident in which he crashed his car into a fire hydrant. When the officer arrived, he asked our bozo to step out of the car to take a field sobriety test. Our bozo obviously misunderstood the request. Thinking the officer had asked for a urine test, he unzipped his pants and peed on the front tire of the officer’s cruiser. Bad idea. He’s been charged with driving drunk and indecent conduct.

He Should Have Taken Along His Little Red Wagon

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mashpee, Massachusetts, where bozo William Cox stole a number of items from local residences and cars, including coins, jewelry, and iPods, placing the stolen items into his backpack. Like the kid in the candy store, he just didn’t know when to stop and soon his backpack was so overloaded that he could barely carry it. The heavy backpack no doubt slowed him down enough that a police dog was able to track him down, leading to his arrest. It was after his arrest that the “weight” of his crimes began to take its toll. He was admitted to the hospital complaining of back pain from carrying the heavy backpack.

Maybe He Should Have Asked to Borrow the Money, Too

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 009754: Write your hold up note ahead of time. From Deland, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into the local Dunkin Donuts store and asked if he could borrow a pen. And what did he need the pen for? To write out his hold-up note, of course. After finishing his composition, he handed the note to the clerk and got away with a small amount of cash. Unfortunately for him, while he was writing the note, security cameras captured a nice picture of him. Busted!

Did I Say Twin? I Meant To Say Invisible Friend

Bozo criminal for today comes from Big Beaver, Pennsylvania, where bozo Jennifer Taylor checked out of the local Holiday Inn. Hotel employees called the cops when they discovered that in addition to checking herself out, she had checked out with $206 worth of items, including two comforters, two throw blankets, four pillows, an alarm clock, a coffeepot, a basket and a hair dryer. The police were able to track our bozo down at another nearby hotel. It was during questioning that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the police that it was in fact her evil twin sister who had stolen the items. She was unable to explain why she was in possession of the stolen items and why birth records showed that she did not have a twin. She’s under arrest.

He Should Have Taken an Ice Chest, Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Aktobe, Kazakhstan, where our unidentified bozo stole a 14-pack of beer from a store. In a classic case of his eyes being bigger than his stomach, he drank 8 bottles and then returned to the store to give back the other 6 bottles that he no longer wanted. No word on whether he was planning to ask for a refund, as he was promptly placed under arrest.

Maybe He Was Trying To Get Money To Pay For A Lawyer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where bozo Ryan Duncan broke into a residence and stole 22 items, worth more than $2000. And just when it looked like he might have committed the perfect crime, police noticed a small blue piece of paper underneath the kitchen window that had been pried open. And it was not just any old piece of paper, either. This particular blue piece of paper happened to be a warrant for our bozo’s arrest, complete with his name and home address on it. He’s busted!

Maybe He Should Have Played Dead Instead

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. Our unidentified bozo was driving a stolen pickup truck when he was spotted by the cops. Instead of pulling over when the cop turned on his lights, our bozo sped away. The officer didn’t engage in a high-speed chase, but it turned out he didn’t need to, as our bozo crashed the truck into a house a short distance away. By the time officers arrived, our bozo had fled the scene and police dogs were called in to aid in the search. It didn’t take long for the dogs to sniff out his hiding place. And it was maybe in the first place a dog would look. The found him cowering in a dog house in a nearby backyard. Busted!

What’s That Smell?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charleroi, Pennsylvania, where bozo David Tarver stopped at the police station to discuss an undisclosed matter with officers. When the officer excused himself to go into the patrol room to retrieve his cell phone, our bozo followed him. It was after our bozo had left the station house that the cops noticed something was missing. A bag of marijuana that had been seized in a separate case. It was after our bozo was arrested just outside the police station, in possession of the pot, that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers he couldn’t resist picking up the pot because, “The bud smelled so good.” Busted!

But We Get a Discount For Using the Card!

Bozo criminals for today from Broward County Florida had a very involved plan to make big bucks. Seventy-year-old bozo Margaret Payne and her 46 year-old son Michael would go into Toys R Us stores and pick out big boxes containing cheap toys. They would then empty those boxes and replace the cheap stuff with expensive items, resealing the boxes and checking out before store security was aware what was going on. It was an ambitious plan, too as our bozos had dreams of robbing stores in all 50 states and then selling their loot online for millions of dollars. But their plan had one fatal flaw. Officers investigating the thefts noticed that the purchases where being made using a store loyalty card. Oops. Officers were able to use information on the loyalty card to track down and arrest our bozos.

He Must Have Said “Please”

Bozo criminals for today may be crooks, but at least their mamas taught them some manners. From Ypsilanti Township, Michigan comes the story of two teenage bozos who broke into a residence and were rummaging around when they were surprised by a next door neighbor who heard the sound of glass breaking. The neighbor spotted the bozos and, knowing something was up, ordered them both to sit still and be quiet until the police arrived. Our bozos obediently followed his instructions. In spite of their good manners, they were still charged with burglary and destruction of property.

Get Tom Bodette On the Phone!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradenton, Florida, where police were called to a local school building after reports of a break-in. After arriving, they discovered a shattered pane of glass at the entrance door and a naked and drunken bozo sleeping it off on a couch inside. It was after they woke him up and placed him under arrest that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers that he thought he was inside his hotel room. He’s now sleeping it off in jail.

Be Careful Who You Put Into Speed Dial

Bozo criminal for today comes from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 24-year-old bozo Justin Kowalski was buying some drugs for his dealer. Don’t know for sure how it happened, but in the middle of negotiations he accidentally dialed 911 on his cell phone. And of course emergency operators are trained to listen carefully to any conversation they hear on the 911 line. After determining exactly what was going on, the operator contacted the dispatcher who sent officers over to investigate. When they arrived at his residence, they found him to be in possession of numerous drugs. Busted!

If Only He Had Selected a Character With Pants

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, Canada where police arrested our bozo for public drunkenness. After placing him in a cell, the officers suspected that he had also been using drugs, so they ordered him to strip for a search. It was then that our bozo asked them if they had ever heard of Cyril Sneer, a cartoon character. Not waiting for an answer, our bozo tucked his genitals between his legs, bent over and began dancing like the cartoon pink aardvark does. Apparently our bozo had something that Cyril does not, a plastic baggie of drugs protruding from his bottom. It was found to contain four doses of a powerful painkiller. Busted!

This Always Worked For MacGyver

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Lake Worth, Florida, where bozo Manny Green was taken to the hospital suffering from a gunshot wound. He explained that he was bored and had built a homemade gun, using the brass tube assembly from an air conditioner gauge, a large nut, springs, and a screwdriver. He then placed the contraption in his pocket, where it promptly went off, shooting himself in the leg. This might have just been an embarrassment, except for one small problem. He’s a felon and is not allowed to have a weapon, homemade or otherwise. And then there’s the small problem of pills that were found in his pocket along with the gun. Busted! He’s been charged with possession of firearms and felony drug possession.

It Would Have Been So Much Simpler To Have Sexted Him

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marion County, Florida, where cops pulled over a 35-year-old woman for speeding. Or at least they attempted to pull her over. When she saw the police, she sped up and attempted to flee before running a stop sign and crashing into a tree. She wasn’t injured in the accident and when the officer noticed she was topless, it was then that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she had removed her top and was en route to surprise her boyfriend. She couldn’t explain why she had to remove her top before she got to his house. She’s been charged with fleeing and eluding law enforcement.

Hey, What Are These Keys For?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paula Keiser for sending in today’s report from Wichita, Kansas. It seems a homeowner returned home and surprised two bozo burglars who were inside stealing electronic items. The bozos quickly fled on foot, which would probably have been a good idea except for the fact that they had arrived in a vehicle. Yep, they ran away, leaving their getaway car behind. And to further complicate matters, one of the bozos returned a short time later and drove the car back to her apartment. Unfortunately for her, the cops followed her home and found the stolen items inside the apartment. Busted!

That’s What Happens When There’s No Laundromat Nearby

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, where our unidentified bozo needed some new clothes. So, he did what any bozo would do, he looked around until he saw a clothes line with some nice, freshly washed clothes on it. But instead of simply grabbing the clothes off the line and running away, our bozo took off his own clothes and put on the new ones, right there on the spot. Unfortunately for him, he was spotted by the homeowner who yelled at him to stop. Not only did our bozo stop, he took off the new clothes he had put on and got dressed again in his old dirty ones. However, he forgot one crucial piece of evidence. He had already placed his wallet and ID in the new clothes. And he forgot to remove them when he put his old clothes back on. He’s busted!