Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brockton, Massachusetts, where bozo Manuel Garcia had a plan for breaking into the local Rent-A-Center. He went to the back of the store, where there was a large garage door for loading and unloading merchandise. Using a metal bed post, he pried the door up just enough to slither underneath. As you can probably understand, it’s difficult to pry and slither at the same time, and, while in the process of slithering, the bed post pry bar slipped and the door dropped on our bozo. He quickly found himself trapped, with his head pinned underneath the garage door. And that’s exactly how employees found him the next morning. After being treated for a bruise on his head, he was placed under arrest.

Good Grooming Tells a Lot About a Man

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, where a truck driver called the cops to report that a man in another vehicle was exposing himself to him, driving in the lane beside him and slowing down and speeding up to keep up with the truck. It was after the cops tracked down the bozo in question that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He admitted that he was driving with his genitals exposed and his dome light on, but he had what he thought was a proper reason. He said he was doing some “manscaping” and had to be able to see what he was trimming. He didn’t offer any reason why the trim had to be done while driving down the Interstate. He’s busted!

Who Says Advertising Doesn’t Work

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Moultrie, Georgia. It seems a group of business ladies practicing the world’s oldest profession were looking to increase their business. So, they did the logical thing…they advertised. Our happy hookers had business cards printed up which they placed on windshields of cars in the Home Depot parking lot. Hey, go where the customers are! Unfortunately, they placed one of their cards on the windshield of an undercover cop’s vehicle, who gave the number on the card a call and a negotiated a deal. They’re busted!

Fugitive Rule #1: Cancel Your Facebook Account

Bozo criminal for today comes from Multnomah County, Oregon, where bozo James Turner was on probation for armed robbery. The terms of the probation required that he attend drug treatment, make a monthly court appearance and check in regularly with his probation officer. Such an arduous schedule quickly became too much for our bozo and he quit showing up. But he couldn’t leave well enough alone. He started taunting his parole officer, posting challenges on his Facebook page to “Catch me if you can” and calling himself “the 1 that got away.” It’s never a good idea to challenge a parole officer. He started following our bozo’s Facebook page closely and noticed in another post he mentioned “I’m in Alabama.” And when he posted a picture of his girlfriend’s pregnant belly, along with her sonogram he noticed the name of the hospital was shown clearly on the sonogram. Oops. He’s been tracked down and taken back to Oregon.

She Should Have Told Them It Was a Munchkin

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Augustine, Florida, where Dunkin’ Donuts employee Carla Cooper was told to take a deposit to the local bank. When she dropped the bag off, she apparently realized she had also dropped off something else. She returned to the bank a short time later to ask if there were any “objects” inside the bag besides the cash. Unfortunately for her, bank employees had already found the “object”, 55 grams of marijuana, and had called the cops. After our bozo gave a positive result for marijuana in a field test she was placed under arrest.

She Should Have Stopped After Beer Number 23

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Gothenburg, Sweden, where our unidentified bozo had a little too much to drink and needed a ride home. Well, maybe she had a lot too much to drink, as, instead of calling a cab, she called the cops. And instead of just telling them she was drunk and didn’t want to drive, she told them she had committed a murder and wanted to turn herself in. Yep, that’s what she said. When the police arrived she admitted she was just trying to get a free ride home. She got a free ride all right. Straight to jail.

A Double Bogey

Bozo criminal for today comes from Uxbridge, Massachusetts, where cops were called to a report of a disturbance on a local golf course. Upon arrival, they found a car stuck in the sand trap. When they questioned the driver, she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told them she had been driving on a highway when her GPS told her to turn left, which led her into a corn field. Following the GPS instructions, she drove through the field and onto the golf course, where she promptly became stuck in the sand trap. She told the cops she couldn’t understand what had happened and that she “didn’t even like golf.” After finding an open container of alcohol in the car, she was charged with DUI.

Wanna See My Funny Money?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Charlotte, Florida, where bozo Ryan Sloan handed the clerk at a convenience store a fake $50 bill to pay for cigarettes and a drink. The clerk noticed the very poorly made bill was a fake and gave it back to our bozo. As fate would have it, a Charlotte County Sheriff’s Deputy was standing directly behind him in line and noticed what was going on. The deputy leaned over to our bozo and asked him if he had any more bills like that. Sure, our bozo replied and led the deputy to his car where he had several more counterfeit bills. Congratulations, Ryan, that’s about as close as you get to arresting yourself.

What Would She Have Done if She Hadn’t Been Released?

We all know that being called for jury duty can be a frustrating experience, but our bozo for today completely overreacted. From Houston, Texas, comes the story of bozo Carla Connor who had just been released from jury duty when she felt the need to express her frustrations. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, she sent a text message to a co-worker saying, “Call the courthouse. Tell them there is a bomb…Pleeeese.” The co-worker took her seriously and the cops were called, the jury room cleared and the whole building searched for explosives with bomb-sniffing dogs. All this was before she sent a follow up text message saying she was “Just kidding.” The authorities didn’t see it that way. She’s under arrest.

Guess He Didn’t Have a Big Enough Piece of Bubble Gum

Nothing criminal to report here, but a bozo for sure. From Livingston, Montana comes the story of a truck driver who may have hit something on Interstate 90. When he pulled into a truck stop, he noticed his fuel tank had sprung a leak. Instead of immediately getting it fixed, he took the bozo approach and slapped a piece of duct tape over the hole and crawled into his truck to go to sleep. Not the best idea. The tape didn’t hold, and truck stop employees noticed about 100 gallons of diesel fuel had leaked from the tractor trailer onto the ground. The cops were called and our bozo was issued a stern warning.

She’s Definitely a Blonde

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada, where police stopped a woman for driving 70 mph in a 30 mph zone. Now, this wouldn’t ordinarily qualify as a bozo offense, but the excuse she offered landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She contested the ticket, claiming in court that the officer had “profiled” her, targeting her for arrest because she was a blonde. No dice, said the judge, ruling that the officer couldn’t possibly determine her hair color at 70 mph. And besides that, she was still going more than double the speed limit. Next case!

Hey, He Was Only Off By 20 Miles!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Newstead, New York. A homeowner there was awakened around 4:30 a.m. when he heard sounds of someone in his house. By the time he got dressed and went to investigate, he found our bozo had made himself at home, sleeping soundly on the couch. After several attempts to awaken him failed, the police were called. When our bozo finally did wake up, he gave the cops the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told them that he thought he was inside a friend’s house on Grand Island. Only problem, Grand Island is 20 miles west of Newstead. Maybe he should invest in a Garmin. He’s been charged with criminal trespass.

Just Be Glad the Car Didn’t Belong to Judge Judy

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California, where bozo Phillip Burns was scheduled to appear in community court to update the judge on his progress while on probation for an auto burglary. The judge, who was not too happy with our bozo because he had missed a previous probation hearing, nonetheless let him go, with the stern warning that he should get into a harm reduction program and get going with his job search. Our bozo must have interpreted “job search” to mean going back to his old occupation of breaking into cars, because as soon as he walked out of the courtroom, he headed over to a parking lot, and, using a rock he picked up, smashed the rear passenger window of a car. Not a good idea. A couple of beat cops happened to be passing by at the same time and placed him under arrest. And to complicate matters, the car he was attempting to break into belonged to…his judge. He’s back in jail.

And You’re Out!

Our bozo criminal for today fell victim to the old “three strikes, you’re arrested” rule. From Vineland, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Steven Moore who walked into a bank armed with a garden hose spray nozzle, his first mistake. In spite of the less than threatening weapon, our bozo did succeed in getting an undisclosed amount of cash. He then ran to his car and drove away, only to quickly run out of gas. Strike two. And after pulling the car into a nearby parking lot, instead of fleeing on foot, he decided to wait for a cab to come by. Strike three. He’s busted!

It Worked Better for Hansel and Gretel

Bozo criminals for today come from La Mesa, California, where four bozos broke into the Little League snack bar at a local park. And the treats they found inside were so tempting that they couldn’t even wait until they got home to tear into them. The police followed a trail of empty cookie, chip, and Cheetos packages for two blocks to a residence where they found our well fed bozos and their loot. Or what was left of it, anyway. They’re busted!

That’s What Limos Are For

Bozo criminals for today come from Canonsburg, Pennsylvania, where a groom and his buddies did a little too much celebrating at the country club wedding reception. When it came time to head over to the hotel, the groom and his friends piled into the limousine, right? Nope. Maybe called a cab? Nah. Stole a golf cart and drove themselves over? Right. A police officer noticed them in the cart on a busy roadway around midnight and pulled them over. They’ve been cited for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct. No word on whether divorce papers have been filed.

But It’s My Prom…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where a young man dressed in a white tuxedo confronted the owner of a SUV at gunpoint and demanded he turn over the vehicle. Our bozo also took some money from the victim before driving away. A short time later, the car owner spotted our bozo and his car in the drive-thru lane at the local McDonalds. He called the cops who arrived quickly and placed our bozo under arrest. It was what his passenger said that made his attire and his motive clear. The teenage girl told the cops that now “her prom was ruined.” If only there had been food at the prom, they might never have been caught.

Should Have Brought Along Some Vaseline

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oak Lawn, Illinois, where bozo Charles Ellis held up a bank, getting away with $100,000 in cash before making his escape through an air duct. While this may have been a foolproof plan, it was not bozo proof. Apparently he didn’t allow for just how small the interior of the duct work was and for what might happen if the long, beaded dreadlocks wig he was wearing got caught in the ductwork. And that’s exactly what happened. It took the cops several hours to cut him out of the ductwork and free him so he could be arrested.

Guess He Was Out of Clean Uniforms

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Department in Rankin, Pennsylvania, where a homeowner became suspicious when he noticed the electric bill of a home he had not lived in for several months had become unusually high. When he stopped by to check things out, he discovered the dryer running with clothes inside and called the cops. After staking the place out the police discovered the suspect was one of their own. The guilty officer said the back door of the house had already been broken so he let himself in because he “just had to do some laundry.” Wonder if he brought his own Tide? He’s been charged with criminal mischief and trespassing.