Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

What’s This Electronic Gizmo? Guess I Better Keep It

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 223786: If you find something unusual in your loot, it’s best to toss it. From Cambridge, Massachusetts, comes the story of bozo Scott Cook, who passed the teller at the local bank a note demanding cash. She gave him the money, but also included a little something extra in the bag. A GPS device that would tell the cops the whereabouts of the cash. The police didn’t have any problem tracking down the money, as our bozo took a leisurely route home, on a city bus. He was found with the cash, and the GPS device, in his pocket. He’s busted!

You Want Fries With That?

A long ago commercial for McDonalds asked what you would do when you had a “Big Mac Attack” but they never showed anything quite like this. From West Palm Beach, Florida comes the story of bozo James Cortez who wanted a meal from McDonalds really, really bad. Bad enough that, when he arrived at the restaurant and found a line in the drive-thru, he pulled up to the car next to the window and pointed a gun at the three women inside, demanding they let him cut in line. They did, but they also called 911. He’s been charged with aggravated assault.

A Cloudy Mind

Once again today we have an example of a bozo criminal foiled by modern technology. From Port Canaveral, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was an employee of the cruise ship Disney Wonder. Apparently he stole a iPhone belonging to one of the passengers and began taking pictures of himself and his friends with it. What he didn’t realize was that the phone’s iCloud function sent all of those pictures to the computer of the owner of the phone. And in addition to his face being shown clearly in the pictures, his name tag shows up as well. He’s busted!

He Should Seriously Consider Salads

From the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who attempted to break into a residence. When he was surprised by the homeowner, our bozo attempted to flee through the backyard. The fastest route out appeared to be via a hole in the fence. Well, it would have been a good escape route if our bozo was a few pounds lighter. As he attempted to squeeze through the hole, he became stuck tight. And he was still stuck when the cops arrived. After prying him free, he was placed under arrest.

Grandpa Said It Was Real, Honest

Bozo criminal for today turns out not to be a crook or a bozo at all, just someone who likes to hang on to his money. From Shelbyville, Tennessee, comes the story of a man who tried to spend a $50 bill at the local convenience store. The clerk thought the bill looked funny and when her marker used to detect counterfeit bills didn’t check it as real, she called the cops. The officers agreed the bill looked phony and the guy was hauled off to jail. It was only after he had been locked up that a sergeant took a look at it and offered up the opinion that it might be a real bill, but a very old one. After taking it to a bank, his suspicions were confirmed. Our “non-bozo” was released, given his bill back and instructed to take it to the bank to exchange it for a newer one to avoid further trouble.

Next Time Stick to Pounding Fenders

Bozo criminal for today comes from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, where a police cruiser was taken in to the local Maaco shop for some repairs. While it was there, the dispatcher received a call over the radio saying, “19th and Derry, I got a shooting! Back-up, back-up!” Police were dispatched to the location and were surprised to find it was the location of the body shop where the cruiser was being worked on. It turns out one of the employees thought it would be fun to broadcast a “fake” emergency call the police radio, not realizing the radio was actually turned on. Bad idea. In checking him out, the police discovered he was also wanted for numerous warrants, including parole violation. He’s busted!

Maybe Her Imaginary Friend Was In the Other Car

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Weymouth, England, where the police pulled over our unidentified bozo for speeding. Now, of course, speeding is not a bozo offense, but her excuse for speeding certainly was. She admitted that she was driving over the posted limit, but told the officers she “was only keeping up with traffic.” Which might have been a good excuse except for one minor detail. She was the only person on the road at the time. Oops.

Look, You Can See the Cafeteria From Here!

Bozos for today may not exactly be criminals but they are certainly 100 percent bozo. From Amherst, Massachusetts, comes the story of three college students who thought it would be fun to climb onto the roof of a 20 foot building on campus to see what the view looked like from there. Unfortunately, they had no exit plan from the such an extreme height. So, they did what any bozo would do…they called the fire department to come rescue them. The fire chief did not see the humor in their request and has announced plans to bill them for the emergency call.

Here’s a Nice Flower For You, Officer

Bozo criminals for today from Boston, Massachusetts, hijacked a cab after threatening the driver with a pellet gun. One of the bozos took the wheel but didn’t get very far, abandoning the cab after crashing it into a couple of other vehicles. The cops didn’t have much trouble tracking them down, however. It seems one of our bozos was carrying a large orange, yellow and red floral arrangement, which left a clear trail of flower petals to where they were hiding. Busted!

This One Stinks

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where bozo Michael Yates needed some deodorant. It was his way of obtaining it that got him into trouble. First, he staked out a Family Dollar that carried the brand he was looking for. Then, he waited until the store was closed for the night. Once it was locked up tight, he went to a nearby construction site and stole a Bobcat tractor, which he crashed through the front window of the store. Guess he didn’t think this would attract any attention. The cops arrived to find him inside, with two cans of deodorant in his hands. He’s busted!

They Always Get Their MAN, But Not Their Machine

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Chilliwack, British Columbia, where a couple of bozos came up with a unique plan for stealing an ATM cash machine. When they walked into the business, one of them was wearing the work uniform of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and they told the clerk they were there to remove the machine. Not one to question a Mountie, the clerk told them to go ahead. One problem. They didn’t realize the machine was bolted to the floor. Our bozos made a hasty exit and fled in their van, but not before the clerk got the license plate number. They’re under arrest.

Up In Smoke

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York, where bozo Charles Potts was on a hunt for cheap cigarettes. He hailed a cab and told the driver to take him to a nearby store. When he found the price of smokes to be too high, he left without purchasing anything and asked to be taken to another store. The driver complied, and after our bozo again walked out empty handed, saying the price was too high here as well, he asked to be taken to a third store. Upon arrival at the next location, the cabbie asked for his $12.50 fare. Our bozo became indignant, refusing to pay, and even instructing the cabbie to call the cops, which he did. When the police arrived, they discovered our cheapskate bozo had more than $5000 in cash in his pockets. He was arrested and charged with theft. Wait until he finds out the cost of cigarettes in jail.

I Was Only Kidding…Honest!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmer, Texas, where bozo Keithan Moore wrapped a towel around his hands to make it appear he was carrying a gun. He then walked into a building, walked up to the counter and demanded money. Unfortunately the building he walked into was the Wilmer Police Department. After officers wrestled him to the ground, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling the cops it was all a joke. They took it a little more seriously. He’s under arrest.

Next Time Bring a Sack

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from the International File in Launceston, Tasmania. It seems bozo Christopher Stone wanted some chicken schnitzel. Really wanted some chicken schnitzel. However, he was a little short of funds. So, he did what any bozo would do, he stuffed the schnitzel in question down his pants, threatened the cashier at the supermarket with a gun and walked to his car. One thing he didn’t plan on, however, was how difficult it would be to drive with a large schnitzel in his pants. Police officers say he was attempting to adjust the schnitzel when he lost control of his vehicle and rolled the car. He’s busted!

There Probably Wasn’t Much to See Anyway

We’re not quite sure what our bozo for today was thinking…but that’s not really that unusual. From Newton Township, Pennsylvania comes the story of our unidentified bozo pervert who exposed himself to a woman. But it would seem that he didn’t really want her to see what he was showing. The place out bozo chose for his crime was the Bucks County Association for the Blind. Police are still looking for the suspect.

If Only He’d Had a Fanny Pack

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where bozo Joseph Wilkins spotted a stereo in a parked car that he just had to have. Seeing no one anywhere around, he broke in but quickly found it was going to be more difficult than he thought. After struggling to remove the stereo he found it was locked into the dash and the only thing he could pry loose was the faceplate, which he took with him. It was what he left behind that caused all the problems. Apparently while wrestling with the stereo, his wallet slipped out of his pocket. He’s busted!

You’re Supposed to Snatch the PURSE

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mountain View, California, where an unidentified bozo spotted a woman walking her dog. He rushed up to her and attempted go grab, not her purse, but the plastic bag she was carrying. A plastic bag containing the dog’s poop which she had picked up while on the walk. And to add injury to insult, the dog grabbed the man’s pants leg as he tried to flee. Quickly seeing the error of his ways, our bozo fled empty handed. Police have not yet captured our bozo and haven’t yet determined what the penalty for poop theft is.

Maybe He Should Consider Hiring a Driver

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Boston, Massachusetts. It seems bozo Edwin Durant was in the local Toyota dealership checking out cars on the showroom floor when he started one up. And instead of shutting it off immediately, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he revved it, causing it to crash into another car and a sales desk. Remarkably, no one was injured, but the police were called after our bozo tried to flee. It was when the cops arrived that he offered up his strange story. He said he was at the dealership to replace his old car, which he had crashed during a police chase last month. He’s been charged with larceny of a motor vehicle, malicious destruction of property, assault with a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct.

Let’s Make a Deal

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bremerton, Washington, where homeowners were awakened around 3 am by the sound of our bozo burglar rummaging around in their home. The homeowner grabbed his gun and chased him away, but not before our bozo grabbed a few items on his way out. Later that afternoon, the homeowners received a phone call from none other than our bozo thief, who was offering a little trade. He said he would return the items he had stolen in exchange for a bag he had left behind, which contained papers bearing his name. The homeowners, said, “Sure, come on over.” Which he did, only to find a police officer waiting for him. He’s under arrest.