We all know that bozos just can’t handle success and today’s story from New York City proves it. Bozo Charles Barker walked into the Soverign Bank on Monday, announced that he was robbing the place and got away with a large amount of cash. It was so easy that our bozo thought he would try it again the next day. So on Tuesday, he walked in, announced his intentions and again left with his money. Thinking he could get used to this lifestyle, he decided to repeat the act one more time on Wednesday. He should have quit while he was ahead. This time the cops were there and he was placed under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in this story of star-crossed bozo lovers. Today we pose the question…if you are a pair of bozos in love and don’t have the money for the wedding of your dreams, what do you do? Ask your parents or grandparents for help? Nope. Work an extra job to save money? Nah. Take out a loan? No way. Steal copper wire from utility poles to net a whopping $18 profit? Yep. Not only are our bozos under arrest, they will have to pay for the repairs to the 18 utility poles that were damaged. There goes the honeymoon!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Brooklyn, New York, comes the story of bozo Robert Gilbert who stole a shtreimel, a sable-fur hat worn by Hasidic Jewish men, from inside a car. He took the hat, worth about $2000, to a local hat dealer and tried to sell it. Only one problem. The hat contained the owner’s name and phone number inside. Oops. The clerk called the cops and our bozo was arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Palm Bay, Florida, where bozo Wilma Bella walked into a convenience store wearing a clear plastic mask and carrying a "Uzi-type" toy gun. The clerk, who was stocking items on another aisle, watched as she stumbled toward the register. Realizing he had a bozo on his hands, the clerk shouted, "Palm Bay police, get on the ground." Our bozo followed instructions and dropped to the floor. Our quick thinking clerk and another employee held her down until the cops arrived.
Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 20009: It’s always best to steal something that’s quiet. From Clearwater, Florida comes the story of bozo bird thieves Fannie Mae Brown and Deon Dailey who stole five cockatiels, five doves, six lovebirds and 13 mini chickens from a residence. Police were called to investigate and the cops noticed a squawking sound coming from a nearby house. Upon further investigation, the missing birds, along with a large cage, were found inside. Our bird thieving bozos are under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 42987: When committing a robbery, it’s a good idea to wear sunglasses. Especially if the place you’re robbing knows you. And ever more especially if your eyes are distinctive. From Avalon, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Conor Collins who walked into a convenience store and demanded cash. Even though he was wearing a hoodie and a bandanna over his face, the clerk quickly recognized him…because of his vivid blue eyes. Knowing he was busted, our bozo fled empty handed and tried unsuccessfully to hide across the street. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Kelly for sending in today’s report from Coral Springs, Florida. It seems bozo peeping Tom Kenneth Palmer made a number of errors when he attempted to look inside the home of a woman taking a shower. Number one, he didn’t hide himself very well and the woman noticed him rustling around in the bushes. She screamed, and her husband got a good look at him as he fled. But that didn’t matter because the police had a much better piece of evidence linking our bozo to the crime. His dogs. Yep, he had taken his two small dogs with him on his peeping expedition and had left them behind when he ran away. The dogs had on collars with tags listing our bozo’s name. And to compound his problems, our bozo’s father arrived while the police were investigating to claim the dogs. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska where our unidentified bozo may have had a little too much to drink. He wandered into the Lincoln police station, walked up to the front desk and asked the officer on duty for a stack of chips. It seems he wanted to play blackjack and mistook the police station for a casino. He was not arrested but was taken into protective custody until he sobered up.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York, where bozo Jack Kowalski decided to rob a bank. His first mistake was his choice of a bank. He picked the one where he did business. His second mistake was his choice of a disguise. He didn’t wear one. His third mistake was where he went after the stole the cash. A casino nearby. Bank employees were quickly able to identify our bozo for the cops and he was placed under arrest, hopefully before he lost the money to a one-armed bandit.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report. From Tacoma, Washington, comes the story of a bad neighbor. A really bad neighbor. Our bozo came knocking on the door of his neighbors and asked them if they would help him sell some crack cocaine. They politely refused. He returned a short time later, but this time he wasn’t asking for help getting rid of some cocaine. This time he was trying to get rid of a dead body. When he asked them to help him dispose of it, they thought he was kidding and slammed the door in his face. Apparently he wasn’t kidding, as they found a body in their trash can a little later that night. Yikes! The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today from Denver, Colorado must have watched the movie "Weekend at Bernie’s" one time too often. After Jeffrey Jarrett died, his two bozo friends loaded his body into their car, drove to an ATM, withdrew $400 with his ATM card and visited a strip club, a bar and a restaurant before reporting Mr. Jarrett’s death. All these shenanigans may be funny on the big screen, but in real life they’ll get you arrested and charged with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Martin, Michigan, where bozo Paul Baker decided to take his riding lawn mower out for a little spin. While it’s never a good idea to take the old Toro out on the street, this was a particularly bad choice by our bozo. When the cops pulled him over they noticed he was carrying a little something extra. Methamphetamine and the components to make the drug. Oops. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Sharon, Pennsylvania. It seems bozo Emile Porter robbed a jewelry store, getting away with more than 100 items. The day after the burglary, the store owner placed an ad offering a reward for information that could help solve the case. And who should call immediately offering his help but our bozo. The cops became suspicious after talking to him and were able to trace some of the stolen items to pawn shops where he had allegedly sold them. Oops. He’s busted! And he’s not eligible for the reward either.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Jarna, Sweden, where our unidentified bozo purchased nearly nine pounds of methamphetamine. Not wanting to let the valuable drugs out of his site, he took them with him everywhere he went, including the local grocery store. And that’s what got him in trouble. He set the package down while he paid for his purchase and walked out, leaving the drugs behind. Oops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Prospect, Illinois, where bozo Hachem Garcia broke into the Mr. Beef and Pizza restaurant. After going through the cash register, all the tasty treats inside were just too much for him to resist. Instead of quickly fleeing the scene, he grabbed himself some chicken tenders and a handful of fries and headed back to the kitchen to prepare them. Bad idea. The video surveillance cameras caught everything. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri, where our unidentified bozo wanted to pull off a carjacking. It was his method that was questionable. He jumped on the hood of a car, pointed a gun at the woman behind the wheel and ordered her to drive. And drive she did. Straight to a nearby police station where she crashed the car through a garage door. Our bozo, uninjured in the crash, was quickly placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today from San Diego, California, violated Bozo Rule Number 223098: Choose an appropriate disguise for your crime. Our unidentified bozo dressed himself head to toe in a Gumby costume and walked into a convenience store, claiming to have a gun and demanding cash. The clerk took one look at our bozo and figured he had to be kidding. The clerk told him he was cleaning up and didn’t have time to waste with him. That was when Gumby tried to pull his gun from his costume, but his big green hands kept him from getting anything but 26 cents, which fell to the floor. Realizing the error of his ways, our bozo fled to his waiting getaway car. No word on whether Pokey was driving.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Merrillville, Indiana, where police were called to a report of a shirtless man carrying a sword on Interstate 65. When the cops arrived, they found bozo Byron Wilson, dressed in plaid shorts and slip on shoes, marching down the shoulder of the road, waving the 35-inch samurai sword in the air like a drum major carrying a baton. Our bozo threatened the approaching officer with the sword and was quickly placed under arrest. It was after his apprehension that our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he was "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."
Our bozo criminal for today from St. Louis, Missouri, must have remembered the old bank robber’s quote that you rob banks because that’s where the money is. Thinking that a police substation lot would be a good place to break into cars, because that’s where the cars are, our bozo entered the lot just after 1 a.m. and began looting cars. Lots of cars, yes. Lots of police officers around, also yes. He was quickly spotted by an officer and our bozo was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today from Bay, Arkansas, thought they had it all figured out. They staked the place out, and when they were sure the owner was away, they pulled a big truck and a trailer up and started hauling stuff out. What they didn’t realize was that the owner hadn’t gone far away. Just to a nearby airport to take a plane ride. When the pilot flew him over his house, the homeowner noticed the suspicious activity and called the cops. Our bozo burglars are under arrest.