Bozo criminals for today come from Minneapolis, Minnesota, where bozos Tania Tarver and Milton Raines had been breaking into vehicles and taking valuables for the last several months. In a classic case of going to the well one time too often, the bozos broke into a Ford Explorer this week and snatched a duffel bag containing a pistol, credit card and other items. The big problem, those items belonged to an FBI agent. And his badge and credentials were in that bag. Now, most people, upon seeing that that had stolen an FBI agent’s stuff, would have put it back or simply dumped it. But not our bozos. They were photographed using the stolen credit card at a nearby Target store and a gas station. They’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 100987: Always use a secure hiding place for your contraband. From West Hartford, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Dillon Larson who was pulled over by the cops for driving without a seat belt. When he was asked to step out of the car, a couple of bags of heroin and cocaine fell from his buttocks, where they had been stashed. Oops. He was charged with drug possession in addition to the failure to wear a seat belt charge.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost who sent in today’s report from Depew, New York. Our three bozos had what they thought was the perfect plan. They would rush into a jewelry store, the female bozo would Taser the store owner while the two guys would gather up the loot. One problem, they apparently failed to thoroughly read the instruction manual on the Taser. The woman fired it off but one of the leads got fouled up in the owner’s shirt and did not make contact. This gave him time to grab his pistol, which he kept under the counter. Quickly seeing the error of their ways, our bozos fled empty-handed. Unfortunately for them, the cops have a good description of their getaway vehicle and expect to make an arrest shortly.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 74747: Be sure you know how to drive a car before stealing it. From Phoenix, Arizona comes the story of bozo Travis Wimberley who spotted an ambulance left running with the keys in it outside the scene of a house fire. Thinking it might be fun to take it for a spin, he hopped in and took off. Guess the ambulance had too much power for him. He had only gone a few blocks before hitting a post, a fence and several parked cars. Or maybe it was the marijuana he had been smoking that impaired his depth perception. Either way, he’s busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from Umatilla County, Oregon, where two teenage bozos stole a pickup truck and headed across the border into Washington. Police in College Place were alerted that the vehicle might be en route to their city. They had no problem tracking it down as our bozos headed straight downtown when they arrived, and parked it directly across the street from the Police Department. Oops. They’re under arrest.
Our bozos for today don’t qualify as criminals but they could definitely use some better judgment. Police in Boras, Sweden, were called after several witnesses saw a group of men force a man into a car in a parking garage and then speed away. After being unable to come up with any leads in what appeared to be a kidnapping, the cops issued a public appeal for anyone with information about the incident to come forward. And that’s when our embarrassed bozos contacted the police. It seems the guy who was nabbed in the garage was the groom-to-be and the "kidnappers" were his friends who abducted him to take him to his bachelor party.
Bozo criminals for today come from Springfield, Georgia, where two unidentified bozos called 911 to report intruders in their home. When the police arrived they were told by the pair that people in a back bedroom of the house had broken into the home. Officers found no one in the back bedroom and no signs that the home had been broken into. But they did find evidence that the men were high on methamphetamine. It seems they were so high they hallucinated the whole thing and essentially called 911 on themselves. They’re under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida, where bozo Peter Simpson had his eye on a swan that lived at a lake near the city’s downtown. Our bozo was just sure that the swan would look much better in his backyard than in Lake Eola, so he snatched it and took it to his home about three blocks away. The swan obviously was not happy with the situation and squawked and squirmed as our bozo carried him to his house. And this gave the cops the clues they needed to solve the case. They merely followed the trail of feathers to our bozo’s residence. He’s under arrest. The swan was returned to the lake unharmed.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Radnor, New Jersey, where two bozos decided it would be funny to break into a police vehicle and pretend to be under arrest. They found an unlocked police van and let themselves in, taking pictures of themselves inside. Unfortunately, once they were inside they somehow locked the van’s doors. And, even after a great deal of effort, they couldn’t figure out how to get the doors unlocked to let themselves out. So, they called a friend to come rescue them. After he had no luck, he dialed 911 for help. Not the best idea. The cops arrived and made our bozos dreams a reality. They were arrested for breaking into a police vehicle.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Topeka, Kansas, where police were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. When they arrived, the windows were covered and the doors were locked. Thinking he had barricaded himself inside, the cops set up outside the house and tried to contact the man. After three hours, and no response from our bozo, the police decided to go in. They broke down the door, and found nothing suspicious inside. That is, until they went into the bedroom. There they saw our bozo, all curled up and sleeping like a baby. He’s taking his next nap in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradford, England, where our unidentified bozo must have thought he had hit the jackpot. He broke into a pub and started stealing electronic equipment. In fact, he spent four hours unscrewing CCTV cameras from the walls. And the reason we know how long he spent unscrewing those security cameras? They were recording his every move. Oops. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Hillsboro, Missouri comes the story of a man and woman bozo team who broke into the garage of a residence when, for reasons only understood by the bozo mind, they decided that it would be a good time to make love. While doing so, the woman accidentally sprayed our bozo with pepper spray. In a panic, she ran off and promptly drove our bozo’s car into a pond a couple of miles away. In the meantime, the homeowner woke up and called the cops, who arrived to find our bozo leaving the scene wearing only a raincoat. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Southsea, England, where bozo Jonathan Owens was being questioned by the police about a robbery at a gambling facility. Our bozo strongly denied being involved in the crime. That is until the police showed him one important piece of evidence…his day planner. The entry for the day of the robbery said, "Go Portsmouth robbery happens." Oops. He’s scheduled to be sentenced later this month.
Bozo criminal for today from Centralia, Washington, proves something we’ve pointed out before: The old adage about a dog being man’s best friend doesn’t necessarily apply to bozos. Police officers were investigating a burglary that took place on Sunday when one of the cops noticed a dog hanging around the crime scene. Another of the officers recognized the pit bull as belonging to a 19-year-old bozo who had been in trouble before. Playing a hunch, the officer went to our bozo’s residence and, sure enough, found a number of the items that had been reported as stolen. He’s busted! Officers now hope to find a new home for the dog.
Bozo criminal for today from Kingman, Arizona, got himself arrested for doing something we’ve all thought about at one time or another. It seems bozo Lawrence Lucas was fed up with his old Camaro. It had been giving him lots of trouble and when it failed to start on the morning of April 13th, it was the last straw. Our bozo took out his gun and put the Camaro out of its misery, firing two rounds through the windshield and into the dashboard. That probably wouldn’t have gotten him arrested, but when the neighbors called the cops to complain about the noise, he barricaded himself inside his house and refused to come out and explain himself. Bad idea. He’s been sentenced to 90 days for unlawfully discharging a gun within city limits.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Carl Davis for sending in today’s report from Woodbridge, Virginia, where today’s bozo was definitely looking for love in the wrong place. Police were called to a report of a burglary at the Late Night Adult Store. Once there, they found the front glass door had been shattered but initially saw no one inside. A police dog was brought in and he indicated that the officers should look inside a closet. And it was there that they found our bozo, Justin Lang, all snuggled up with one of the store’s life-size dolls. Guess you could call it Bozo-interruptus. He’s been charged with burglary.
Bozo criminal for today from Des Moines, Iowa, proves that we need to make an addendum to the old saying "You don’t tug on Superman’s cape." Apparently you need to add a police horse’s tail to that list of prohibited items to yank. Des Moines police say bozo Tonya Shafer walked up to Scout the police horse and tugged on his tail while police officers were trying to clear a congested area near a bar. Bad idea. She was arrested on an "interference with official acts" charge.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Allen for sending in today’s report, which once again proves that honesty is not necessarily the best policy if you’re a bozo. Our bozo for today comes from Grand Junction, Colorado, where police were called to a disturbance at a party. Upon arrival, the cops questioned our unidentified bozo and he immediately told them that he had just taken an Ecstasy pill and had smoked "a little pot." Unfortunately for him, he failed to smoke all of his pot before confessing to the cops. He’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance and drug paraphernalia.
Bozo criminal for today comes from New Castle, Pennsylvania, where an 89-year-old woman and her 82-year-old friend where accosted by bozo Jerry Barker as the two left a pizza shop. Our bozo tried to grab the 89 year old’s purse, but she was having none of it. She swung at him with her cane, hitting his getaway car in the process. The cops were quickly able to find and identify the would-be purse snatcher. When granny took a swing at him, she swung with enough force that her cane dented our bozo’s car. And when the cops found the car, the dent in the car matched the shape of granny’s cane. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Vineland, New Jersey, where an unidentified bozo tried to break into a residence. In the process, he damaged a window screen and got the attention of the homeowner. When she confronted him, he immediately apologized to her, telling her that he had made a mistake and had meant to break into a neighbor’s home. He then offered to repair the damage to the screen. She declined his gracious offer and asked him to leave, which he did. The cops are looking for our polite bozo.