Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

May 31, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. With gas prices remaining high, many of us are putting off filling up the tank for as long as possible. And that’s what ultimately led to our bozo’s downfall. From Belmont, California, comes the story of bozo Stephen Abrams who carjacked a woman and her five-year-old daughter. He forced them out of their car in a pizza parking lot and took off. Apparently he didn’t bother to check the fuel gauge, as the cops found him stranded on a highway overpass a short distance away after the car ran out of gas. He’s under arrest.

May 27, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Mishawaka, Indiana, where the temperatures have been warming lately. And, everyone knows, when the temperature goes up, the bozos come out. It seems bozo Rick Jacobs was enjoying the sunny day in a local park when the police approached. It was how he had chosen to enjoy the day that got him in trouble. He was stretched out on the ground, with a big grin on his face, totally nude and covered in extra virgin olive oil. When the police asked what he was doing, he replied, "I’m from New York. Can’t I do this here?" He added, "I’m a Republican, and my cigarettes pay your taxes!" After explaining that he wasn’t in New York anymore, the cops covered him with a blanket and placed him under arrest.

May 26, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joe Miller for sending in today’s report. From St. Petersburg, Florida comes the story of an unidentified bozo whose plans for robbing a convenience store went terribly wrong. The first issue was his poor choice of weapon. He walked up to the clerk and demanded cash, threatening her with a Sony PlayStation controller. The second issue was one of timing. Just as he whipped out his "weapon", a police officer walked in to pick up something to eat. Realizing the jig was up, our bozo dropped the remote and surrendered to the officer.

May 25, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Mobile, Alabama, where bozo Barry Palmer thought it would be fun to steal a city bus. When a transit driver left the bus parked with the keys in it, our bozo sprang into action. He climbed aboard and took off. Upon reaching the next bus stop, he pulled over and picked up a passenger. Things were going well…until he asked the new passenger for cigarettes and money. And then the passenger noticed the "driver" was barefoot. Probably a dead giveaway. The cops quickly pulled the bus over and arrested the wannabe Ralph Kramden.

May 24, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Knight for sending in today’s report from Kissimmee, Florida. Three bozos, dressed in black and wearing masks, approached a woman sitting on her front porch and forced her into her house at gunpoint. Once inside, they gathered up cell phones and electronics before cutting the phone lines and leaving. Well, they almost left…Outside, they discovered that their truck was locked. And none of them had the keys. Finally, one of our bozos realized he had left the keys inside the house. When they tried to get back in, they found the homeowners had securely locked the door, leaving them no choice but to flee on foot. Didn’t take the cops long to track them down. They’re under arrest.

May 23, 2011

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 01435, which states the obvious: Being in jail does not qualify you for unemployment. From Buffalo, New York, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was serving time at a state prison. This fact did not stop him from falsifying application papers and collecting unemployment. His plan came to a screeching halt when jail officials noticed the unemployment checks being mailed to him. Oops…He’s busted.

May 20, 2011

Bozo criminal for today from Columbus, Ohio, forgot Bozo Rule Number 454466: Following directions is not always the best idea. Our unidentified bozo entered a branch of the PNC bank with his hoodie pulled up to cover his face. As he was waiting in line, one of the tellers noticed him and informed him of the bank’s "No hats, no hoods" policy and told him he would have to take off the hood. Not wanting to break the rules, our bozo complied, giving security cameras a clear shot of his face. Undaunted, he stayed in line and, when he got to the teller, said he had a gun and demanded cash. While he succeeded in getting away with a small amount of money, police expect to make a quick arrest.

May 19, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from the International File in Russia. The cops pulled our bozo over under suspicion of drunk driving. When they asked him for his driver’s license, our bozo began searching his pockets. Finally, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and proceeded to "call" his father who was "on duty", carrying on an imaginary conversation where he told Dad he needed to "deal with the situation." He continued talking to the cigarettes while the officers searched his car. Finally, he pulled a cigarette out of his "phone" and lit up as he was being placed under arrest.

May 18, 2011

Bozo criminal for today fits the definition of "bumbling bozo" perfectly. From Charlotte, North Carolina, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence and was making his way around when he stumbled and fell. The jolt caused his gun to discharge, which woke up the residents, who called the cops. Miraculously, twinkle toes was able to run away without tripping. Police are checking hospitals looking for patients with skinned knees.

May 17, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where bozo Robert Hardy attempted to break into a residence by opening a window. In the process, his glasses fell off, hitting the window and making a noise which caused the homeowner’s dog to start barking. He quickly fled, leaving his glasses behind. After a short period of time, he did what any nearsighted bozo would do, he returned to the home, rang the doorbell, and asked for his glasses back. The homeowners slammed the door in his face and called the cops, who found four-eyes hiding in the bushes nearby. He’s under arrest.

May 16, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from the seldom seen K-9 Division. From Central Islip, New York, comes the story of Melvin Rogers who rode a bus from his home in Bellport to a court appearance in Central Islip. Somewhere along the way, another passenger’s rogue Bozo Criminal Chihuahua urinated on Melvin’s backpack. Not wanting to take the offending item inside the courthouse, Melvin stashed it in the bushes when he got off the bus. Unfortunately, a security guard spotted him and, thinking it might be harmful, called the bomb squad. After a robot determined that the bag didn’t contain anything more dangerous than Chihuahua pee, Melvin was released. The Bozo Criminal K-9 is reportedly still on the loose.

May 13, 2011

Bozo criminal for today forgot Bozo Rule Number 78609: Leave crime fighting to the professionals. Our story comes from Petoskey, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a man dangling from the roof of a hardware store. The police were shocked at what they found when they arrived. A man dressed in a Batman costume, armed with a collapsible baton, a can of mace and a pair of lead lined gloves. The police removed the caped crusader from the rooftop and charged him with trespassing and weapons possession.

May 12, 2011

With warmer days ahead, our bozo for today learned the hard way that being thirsty is no excuse. From Bridgeport, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Raymond Reese who found himself in need of a beer. And it was a Sunday, and beer sales are banned in Connecticut on Sundays. So, he did what any bozo would do, he called 911 to place his order. Three times. And he didn’t want it as a public service, either, he offered to pay them for their trouble. No matter. He’s been charged with abuse of the 911 system.

May 11, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Okeechobee, Florida, where bozo Joseph Pierce walked into a bank and handed the teller a note demanding a sack full of cash. One problem. He failed to bring a sack. After the teller explained that she didn’t have a bag, either, our bozo walked out and climbed onto his getaway bicycle. He didn’t get more than a few blocks before he was placed under arrest. Bozo Rule Number 33578: Bring your own sack.

May 10, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts File. From Ford Heights, Illinois, comes the story of bozo Dewayne Simmons who thought he had come up with the perfect "chick magnet." A four-foot alligator which he kept in a tank in his house and fed live mice. He thought women who came over to his place would be impressed. By all reports, they weren’t. Neither were the cops, who charged him with possession of a dangerous animal. The critter has been given a new home where the only females he’ll have to impress will be of the gator variety.

May 6, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clay, New York, where police were on the lookout for a suspect in a break-in. They were patrolling the area when a 911 dispatcher received a "pocket dialed" call. The dispatcher listened for a few moments and then heard a voice on the other end of the line say, "There go the cops now." Thinking the conversation sounded suspicious, he stayed on the line while they discussed their plans for a getaway. They didn’t get to put those plans into action, however. The dispatcher relayed the information to cops in the area and they were pulled over. The officers found the stolen tools from the heist in our bozo’s car. Busted!

May 5, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From North Charleston, South Carolina comes the story of bozo Dexter Wilson who forgot Bozo Rule Number 77865: Sometimes you should call the Better Business Bureau rather than the cops. It seems our bozo purchased $60 worth of crack cocaine from a dealer but received only $20 worth of drugs. When he demanded his proper change, the dealer refused. So, he did what any bozo would do. First he smoked the crack. Then he called 911 to complain. He’s busted!

May 4, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report which confirms Bozo Rule Number 00997: Don’t start running from the cops until you’re sure they’re after you. From Roseburg, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Charles Baxter who happened to pull up to a residence at the same time a police cruiser did. The officer was looking for the homeowner and, thinking our bozo must be him, approached the car. Our bozo immediately jumped out of the car and ran, jumping into a nearby river and swimming to the other side, where he tried to hide in some blackberry bushes. Officers quickly found him and quickly discovered he was not the man they were looking for. No matter. It turned out he was wanted on a parole violation out of California. He’s under arrest.

May 3, 2011

Bozo criminals for today come from Hallandale Beach, Florida, where two hearing-impaired men were sitting at a bar enjoying their drinks when they were confronted by a couple of angry bozos. Things quickly went downhill from there and the two men were attacked, suffering minor knife wounds. Police arrived and arrested our bozos, charging them with assault. It was what started the incident that ensured their place in the Bozo Hall of Shame. They told the cops that they mistook the sign language the men were using to communicate for gang signs. Oops.