This morning the Bozo Criminal Report poses the question, "Can a man in a cow suit steal 26 gallons of milk from Walmart?" The answer, apparently, is "Yes." The follow-up question is obviously, "Can he get away with it?" The answer, as you would expect, is "No." From Garrisonville, Virginia comes the story of an unidentified 20-year-old bozo who somehow shoplifted 26 gallons of milk from the Walmart and then proceeded to give it out to passersby outside the store while wearing a cow suit. Mr. Cow had "moo-ved" on by the time the police arrived. But he was found a short distance away when the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at McDonalds. The cow suit was found in the car and he was placed under arrest.
Our bozo for today may not necessarily be a criminal, but the way he treats his parents is definitely a crime. From the International File in Malaga, Spain comes the story of an unidentified 25-year old bozo who sued his parents when they decided to cut off his allowance. The man, who doesn’t work or attend college, is perfectly capable of finding a job, according to his family. A judge agreed and ordered the man to get out of his parents’ house within 30 days.
Failure to heed Mama’s advice to be careful who you choose to be friends with ultimately caused problems for our bozo for today from Chattanooga, Tennessee. It seems bozo Donte Taylor had an idea for what he thought would be a perfect robbery. He would stop by to visit some folks he hadn’t seen in a while and when he left his friends, who had been waiting outside, would burst in and rob the place. Things were going according to plan, visit, home invasion, grab stuff, flee. It was the fleeing part that didn’t work out so well. After his friends grabbed their loot, they were all running toward the getaway vehicle when our bozo tripped and fell. And remember what we said about choosing good friends? These guys simply fled and left their "friend" behind. The cops quickly arrived and placed our friendless bozo under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From Woodland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Jeremiah Collier who went on a late night beer run, but found his search complicated by his own bozo-ness. Mistake one…he went to a mini-mall in search of a liquor store, a bad idea, since the nearest place selling alcohol was several blocks away. Second, he had no real tools for breaking into the stores, so he launched a 15 minute assault of throwing golf balls at the windows in an attempt to break them. When this failed, he used the old trick of trying to jimmy a lock with a credit card. Having no credit card handy, he used his drivers license instead. He didn’t succeed in jimmying the lock, but he did succeed in getting his license stuck in the door. After a while, he gave up, leaving his license behind and the whole thing recorded in vivid detail on the mall’s security cameras. He’s busted.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bridgeport, Connecticut, where bozo Emilio Lopez showed up at the local scrap yard and tried to sell a gas container for $60. What makes this bozo-worthy is what he did before he showed up at the scrap yard. Apparently the can was full of $200 worth of gasoline, which he emptied onto a city street. Let’s see, $60 minus $200 gives you a loss of $140, and that’s before the fine for hazardous dumping. He’s busted!
It looks like this week’s tax deadline may have been the undoing of our bozo for today from Islamorada, Florida. Police were called to a boat sales company after reports of suspicious activity. When they arrived, they discovered engines had been removed from three boats. They also found a receipt from a CVS pharmacy for a pair of work gloves found near the boats. Also nearby was a BMW sedan that company employees could not identify. Inside the cops found an IRS form belonging to our bozo. Using the name on the form, the cops were able to obtain his drivers license photo, which matched security camera photos of the man purchasing the gloves at CVS. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Naples, Italy, where our unidentified bozo was pulled over by the cops at a spot check for drivers licenses. When he could not produce his license, the cops ran his name through their computers. And that’s when they found out why he didn’t have a license. Since 2003 he had collected $86,000 in disability benefits, claiming to be totally blind. Oops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today was on a mission to get her McDonalds fix, and nothing, not even the cops, was going to stop her. From Coral Springs, Florida, comes the story of bozo Roberta Sellars, who was headed to Mickey D’s when a police officer noticed her car had a faulty brake light. He flipped on his lights and instead of pulling over she pulled into the drive-thru lane of McDonalds. He got out, approached the vehicle and told her to pull into the parking lot for a traffic stop. Instead, she pulled through, paid for her meal and drove away. The officer again stopped her a short distance away from the restaurant but this time she told him she wasn’t speeding and refused to show her license or proof of insurance before driving away. By this time, several other police officers had joined in the slow speed pursuit and attempted to box her in at a red light. Our bozo simply popped the car into reverse and again eluded the cops. She might still be going had she not pulled into a nearby Mobil station. Before she was able to fill ‘er up she was placed under arrest. Police say there’s no indication alcohol was involved in the incident.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bradley Stoke, England, where an unidentified bozo tried to steal used clothing from a charity donation bin. That’s a bad idea in itself but our bozo made several other mistakes. First, his friend that came along to give him a boost into the container turned out to be of the fair weather variety. After helping our bozo, his friend noticed the cops approaching and fled. And to add to our bozo’s woes, that clothing donation bin turned out to be like one of those Roach Motels. Once you check in, you can’t get out. Police spent four hours working on the top of the container before our bozo was finally removed and placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from West Fargo, North Dakota bozo Dalton Brown stole a vehicle and got away cleanly, but he just couldn’t leave well enough alone. After learning that a local church was issuing vouchers to help people short on cash purchase emergency gasoline, he decided to apply for one. Guess he didn’t think they’d check the registration. They did. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Hayworth for sending in today’s report. From Cincinnati, Ohio comes the story of two bozos who were foiled by modern technology. The two unidentified bozos called a pizza joint for delivery with the intention of robbing the driver. Unfortunately, they forgot to hang up their cell phone while they discussed their plan, resulting in the pizza delivery man hearing everything. He called the cops and instead of the regular delivery guy bringing the pizzas, it was delivered by undercover cops. Oops. They’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Washington, Pennsylvania, where our unidentified bozo wanted to buy some beer. And to do that, he needed and ID, which he didn’t have. So he came up with an authentic looking fake ID. Authentic except for one minor detail. On the card, our bozos height was listed as 54 feet tall. The sharp eyed clerk suspected something was up and called authorities. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Quincy, Massachusetts. Bozo James Graham walked into Ken’s Automotive, waving a small baseball bat and demanding cash. When the clerk refused, our bozo knocked him on the head with the bat. The quick thinking clerk set off the alarm, frightening our bozo, who quickly ran out of the store. He didn’t get very far as he soon discovered he had lost his keys in the scuffle. So, he did what any bozo would do. He returned to the store, walked up to the man he had just hit with a bat, apologized and asked if he could please have his keys back. The answer was no. The clerk and another man grabbed our bozo and held him until the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte, North Carolina, where bozo Johnny Harris broke into a residence. Unfortunately, the homeowner was home at the time. The two struggled briefly before our bozo escaped with the man’s wallet and some jewelry. He jumped into his waiting getaway car and fled. It was what fell out of the car when he got in that caused all the trouble. Police found a t-shirt with our bozo’s picture on it and the caption "Making money is my thang". Oops. After photos of the shirt made the rounds of the local news media, our bozo turned himself in.
The internet site YouTube is full of helpful "how-to" videos posted by folks trying to give out useful tips. This morning we have found a YouTube site containing a tip posted by someone who may or may not be an "expert", but who is definitely a bozo. From Rosemount, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Jerome Taylor who posted a video showing how to roll and smoke marijuana. That in itself is stupid enough, but he also included his 15-year-old nephew in the video as the person "learning." Bad, bad idea. The videos came to the attention of the police and he’s been charged with contributing to the delinquency of a child.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Mason, Ohio, where a police officer investigating a car crash returned to his vehicle when he heard his K9 partner barking uncontrollably. The officer found bozo James Stanley standing close to the car and barking loudly at the dog, who was more than happy to bark back. After determining that our bozo was highly intoxicated, the officer charged him with harassing a police animal. It was the reason our bozo gave for barking at the dog that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cop, "The dog started it."
Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida, where an unidentified bozo offered up 40 oxycodone pills for sale to undercover police officers. After receiving $525 from the cops, she told them she would have to go get the drugs from her dealer. She left and never returned. The cops were later successful in tracking her down and that’s when she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. Since the alleged sale took place on April first, our quick thinking bozo told the cops it was all an April Fools’ Joke. Police told here that was only one fool involved here and she was under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Portsmouth, New Hampshire, where bozo Anthony Rawlings took an SUV out for a test drive and when he returned it to the dealership, kept one of the keys for himself. He then went back to the business overnight and used the keys to steal the truck. Obviously this plan worked pretty well as five months passed and the police had still not found the vehicle. Then, our bozo made the mistake of parking in a handicapped zone and the truck was towed. It was at this point that his true bozo instincts came into play. He reported the vehicle as stolen. Bad idea. Police found the truck in the impound lot and, after some checking, determined it was stolen. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Ft. Myers, Florida, where bozo Kenneth Thompson had what seemed to be a good plan. He crawled in through the roof of a flea market, getting inside without setting off any alarms. He then went straight to a jewelry booth and grabbed as many necklaces as he could carry. He then left successfully back through the roof. So where did he go wrong? He decided to make like Mr. T and put about 100 of the gold chains around his neck. A witness thought he looked suspicious sitting in his car trying on all the loot and called the cops. In addition to the stolen items, police also found three marijuana cigarettes in his vehicle. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today from McDonough, Georgia, proves once again that honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy for bozos. Bozo Cody Clark and a friend were spotted by the cops messing around with a four-wheeler. Thinking they looked suspicious, the cop approached, saw what appeared to be a handgun and detected the scent of marijuana. When he asked our bozo if he had been smoking pot, he replied, "Yep." A quick search of his person turned up a baggie of marijuana. When the cop asked him what the substance was, our bozo answered, "That’s how I make my money." He’s busted!