Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

March 31, 2011

Bozo criminal for today from Boise, Idaho, once again proves that bozos and modern technology don’t mix. Bozo Alexander Warren came up with what he thought was a great way to fulfill his dream of being a cop. He downloaded an app to his smart phone that made the screen flash red and blue. He would then use the flashing phone in an attempt to pull over unsuspecting motorists. His first victim initially pulled over before noticing that the flashing lights were coming from a cell phone. He then drove away and called the cops. When our bozo passed him, he followed along and gave the police our bozo’s exact location. He’s under arrest.

March 30, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Joseph, Missouri, where bozo Ronald Dell entered a Mini-Warehouse facility and was rummaging around one of the storage units. Unfortunately, a security employee on patrol at the same time noticed the door to the unit ajar and pushed it shut and latched it. This resulted in one trapped bozo. The guard later heard noises coming from the unit and called the cops. Busted!

March 29, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Uppsala, Sweden. Our bozo had formulated what he thought was a fool-proof plan for robbing a store. Unfortunately, he was the one "fool" he didn’t allow for. He brought an item he had legally purchased at an electronics store back to get a refund. While the clerk was processing his application, he snatched several small electronics items and stuffed them in his pockets. While this activity was caught on security cameras, police might never have been able to identify him except for one small problem. He left his credit card, which was used for the refund, at the service desk. And of course he decided to go back to the store to retrieve the card. He’s busted!

March 28, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oakland Park, Florida, where bozo Matthew Dover was charged with abuse of 911. Our bozo claimed a medical emergency and when help arrived they discovered there was no one in need of their assistance at the address. The man at the address did, however recognize the voice on the 911 call as that of his daughter’s ex-boyfriend. With that information, police were able to make an arrest. And did we fail to mention why this was worthy of inclusion in the Bozo Report? It was why he called 911 for help in the first place. He claimed that he was suffering from the effects of an overdose of Viagra.

March 25, 2011

From our "Bozos Just Don’t Get It" department in Monticello, New York, comes the story of Keith Green who was scheduled to appear before the judge on a drunken driving charge. He showed up an hour and a half late, his first mistake. His second mistake was when he walked up to the courthouse carrying an open can of Busch beer. Strike three was when he tried to pass through the metal detector with four more cans of beer in his bag. He’s been sent to jail to dry out.

March 24, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boise, Idaho, where bozo Daniel Diaz snatched a wallet from the desk of a prospective employer while on a job interview. The employer called the cops and gave them a description of our bozo, and at about the same time the police received another call, this one from our bozo who wanted to report that his own wallet was missing. Apparently, he had dropped his wallet, which contained the stolen credit cards, after he bought some cigarettes at a convenience store. And of course he decided to report the loss to the cops. One of the cops recognized him from the description and he was placed under arrest.

March 23, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Savannah, Georgia, where bozo Brandon Roper was walking through a parking lot checking door handles looking for an unlocked car. He made two major mistakes. Number one, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, the cars he was checking were marked police patrol cars. Number two, he asked a couple of passersby to play "lookout" for him. Unfortunately, those innocent passersby weren’t so innocent. They were undercover police officers. He’s busted!

March 22, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Antonio, Texas where bozo Carlos Reyes threatened the clerk at a Taco Bell drive-thru with a BB gun before pulling a handgun and an assault rifle from his car. The manager locked the doors and our bozo fled, only to be pulled over by the cops nearby. He briefly engaged in a shoot-out with the officers, resulting in one of the patrol car’s windows being shattered. Our bozo then fled to the nearby Roadway Inn, where he barricaded himself inside his room. After a three hour standoff, police finally had to resort to tear gas to force him out. And did we mention what caused all the ruckus? He was upset that the price of the Beefy Crunchy Burrito had risen from 99 cents to $1.49.

March 21, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Irwin, Pennsylvania, where bozo Michael Harper called a local radio talk show to discuss a traffic stop for a faulty brake light. The radio host told him he could have the ticket dropped if he would stop by the police station within two days with proof that it had been repaired. And, noticing that the caller sounded a little out of it, he reminded him to avoid being high when he arrived. Unfortunately for our bozo, a local cop was also listening to the show and he contacted the police chief to advise him to be on the lookout. When our bozo arrived at the police station a short time later, reeking of marijuana, the chief accompanied him to the car to check the light. In the process, he asked our bozo if he was smoking pot. He replied that he was and, to prove it, reached into the car and pulled out a cigarette pack containing marijuana and a glass pipe. He’s busted.

March 18, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Westminster, Colorado, where police arrived on the scene of a traffic accident. They were trying to coax the intoxicated driver from his vehicle when our bozo got out of her car and walked up to the officers. To offer assistance? Nope. She walked up to complain that the officers were blocking the road and backing up traffic. Bad idea. She’s under arrest for suspicion of drunken driving and obstructing police.

March 17, 2011

Bozo criminals for today come from Lakeland, Florida, where bozos Chad Baker and Rickey Wells broke into a Chicken Shack restaurant and stole beer, T-shirts and several other items. Armed with a description from a citizen who witnessed the robbery, officers investigating the crime had no trouble tracking down our crooks. They spotted two men walking nearby…drinking beer and wearing the stolen Chicken Shack T-shirts. They’re busted!

March 16, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sachse, Texas, where bozo Nathan Poe walked into a bank and announced to the teller that this was a holdup and that she should hand over all her cash. The teller said she couldn’t do that unless he could provide two forms of identification. Trying to cooperate, our bozo produced out his state ID card and his Wells Fargo debit card. She then provided him with $800. His fumbling for the ID also provided her with enough time to notify authorities, who arrested our bozo as he tried to flee with his cash.

March 15, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Arona, Pennsylvania, where police were called to a disturbance after reports of shots being fired. Upon arrival, they discovered that bozo Joseph Dilio had gotten into an argument with his girlfriend after she returned home with his truck at around 1:30 in the morning. This would normally not be bozo-worthy news except for the reason our bozo got mad enough to fire shots at his girlfriend in the first place. Her offense? She returned his truck with a gas tank that was nearly empty. He’s been charged with assault.

March 14, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from South Greensburg, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a BP gas station after bozo Thomas Williams filled up his tank and then announced he had no money. After a brief scuffle with the officer, our bozo fled into a nearby building, where he managed to lose the cops. And they might not have found him had he not decided to take a smoke break. Yep, a smoke break. The officers noticed the smell of smoke coming from the ceiling and drug him out of the crawl space. He’s under arrest.

March 11, 2011

We’re all familiar with Clemenza’s instruction, "Leave the gun, take the cannoli." We’re not sure exactly what our bozo for today took, but what he left behind sure wasn’t a cannoli. From the International File in Copenhagen, Denmark, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who sneaked into a bank vault on Friday only to find himself trapped there until the bank reopened on Monday. Returning bank employees got the surprise of their lives when our bozo burst out of the vault with a large amount of cash and jewelry. He might have made a clean getaway except for what he left behind. During three days in the vault, he had to relieve himself several times. And he left the waste in glass bottles. Police were able to ID his DNA from the samples. He’s under arrest.

March 10, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rome, Italy, where a local custom is to prepare a big tray of lasagna for lunch on the last Tuesday before Lent. And that’s what ultimately tripped up bozo Giancarlo Sabatini who had been on the run from the cops for 11 years on a drug charge. The police got a tip that our bozo loved his mother-in-law’s lasagna and would often come out of hiding to enjoy it on Fat Tuesday. The cops staked out his mother-in-law’s house and saw our bozo’s wife leaving around noon carrying a large tray of lasagna. After she returned home, the cops burst in and, sure enough, there was our bozo, scarfing down the lasagna. Hope he enjoyed his last meal as a free man. He’s under arrest.

March 9, 2011

Once again today we have a story of a bozo who effectively arrested himself. From Portland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Timothy Clark who broke into a residence and was treating himself to a nice hot shower when the homeowner returned. Startled by the man, and fearing that he might have a gun, our bozo locked himself in the bathroom and dialed 911 to ask for help. "Hello, operator, I, uh, broke into a house and now I’m afraid the owner is going to shoot me…could you send the cops over?" He’s under arrest.

March 8, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Hazard, Kentucky. Bozo Shane Harvey was in need of a ride home and when he couldn’t find a taxi he did the next logical thing…he stole an ambulance. He was walking by the hospital and noticed the unattended ambulance out front, so he hopped in and headed to the house. Didn’t quite make it. An officer noticed an ambulance being driven erratically and pulled him over. He said he planned on calling the ambulance service to tell them to come pick it up as soon as he got home. Police weren’t sympathetic. He’s under arrest.

March 7, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida, where bozo Johnnie Baxter was rolling around the local Walmart in his motorized wheelchair when security guards spotted him stuffing two bras into his pants. Employees detained him until the cops arrived at which time he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he was stealing the undies as a gift for his girlfriend, who is scheduled to be released from jail later this month. After finding he had $350 in cash in his pocket, the cops were less than sympathetic. He’s under arrest for shoplifting.

March 4, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rome, Georgia, where bozo Joseph Starkey was obviously hungry. He walked into the local Walmart and grabbed a rotisserie chicken and some hot wings. And since his mother had told him to brush after every meal he then picked up a couple of toothbrushes. Then he proceeded to stuff everything down his pants, including the chicken. Needless to say his "chicken walk" attracted a little attention as he tried to exit through the Garden Center. He’s been charged with shoplifting.