Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

January 31, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Honolulu, Hawaii, where police were called to an apartment building on a report of a drunk and disorderly man. When the officers pulled up, our bozo spotted them and took what he thought would be the quickest exit from the seventh floor apartment. He jumped into the garbage chute. A bad idea, for a number of reasons. First, the friction of the chute caused his baggy shorts to come off. And second, a large amount of backed up garbage on the third floor thwarted his escape. Police pulled our now naked and rather smelly bozo out of the chute and hauled him to jail.

January 28, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ahaus, Germany, where our unidentified bozo thought he had hit the mother lode. He broke into a career advice center near his apartment and started taking stuff back to his flat. He made several trips moving electronics, computer equipment, food and sweets before he was completely exhausted. Too exhausted to make the walk back to his apartment. So he lay down to rest for just a minute…And that’s where the cops found him the next morning. He’s busted!

January 27, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Joliet, Illinois, where the police were called to a residence on a report of a break-in. By the time they arrived, the suspect was gone. The cops decided to do a routine check of the 19-year-old who had called in the report and, surprise, he was wanted for failing to appear in court. As he was being booked, something fell out of his sock. A marijuana pipe and a bag of pot. Oops. He’s busted!

January 26, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Randolph, Massachusetts, where bozo Johnnie Barker approached a man in a grocery store and offered to sell him a bracelet and a chain marked as 14 karat gold for $100. He made several mistakes. Approaching strangers in a grocery store and offering to sell them fake gold jewelry is not the best idea. Strike one. The man he approached owns a jewelry store so it was easy for him to spot the phony merchandise. Strike two. The man he approached also happens to be the city’s police chief. Strike three. He’s under arrest.

January 25, 2011

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 77590: Business cards are not advised in the drug biz. From New York, New York, comes the story of Thomas Zane and Miguel Gonzales who were dealing drugs to students on the campus of New York University. Business was good. So good, in fact, that our bozos had business cards printed up explaining their services and distributed them around the campus. Bad idea. Police used one of the cards to contact our bozos and make a buy. They’re busted!

January 24, 2011

Bozo criminals for today come from Kansas City, Missouri, where the recent heavy snowfall led to an opportunity, and ultimately, the downfall, of our crooks. Three unidentified bozos were preying on motorists trapped in the snow in their vehicles. They would drive up in their SUV and offer to help stranded motorists dig their cars out of the snow, only to pull weapons and rob their victims. They were captured when the police spotted our bozos, and their SUV, stuck in the snow.

January 21, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California, where bozo Clyde Pointer was trying to run a scam on Wal-Mart. He took a computer off the shelf and then used an old receipt to claim a refund. He managed to get out of the store with his cash before anyone realized what was going on. It was what happened afterward that caused all the trouble. When he got to the parking lot, he couldn’t find his car anywhere. After spending several minutes searching for it, he finally realized it had been repossessed while he was in the store. So, he called a cab and went home, right? Wrong. He went back inside the store to complain that his car was missing. By this time they had figured out his scam and he was arrested.

January 20, 2011

Our bozo story for today comes from Denver, Colorado, where there are at least a couple of bozos at work. It seems a man and wife bozo team were hauling a load of marijuana from Utah to North Carolina when they were carjacked. The thieves got away with the pot, leaving our bozos standing on the side of Interstate 80. It was then that our bozos did the obvious thing…they called the cops to report that their marijuana had been stolen. The police were soon in hot pursuit of our bozo dope thieves, who began tossing bags of marijuana out of the window of the vehicle. Apparently the driver was paying more attention to his tossing than his driving as he crashed the car into a snow bank. Both sets of bozos are now under arrest.

January 19, 2011

Bozo criminal for today from Kansas City, Missouri, obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 22389: Pack a lunch. Our unidentified bozo was spotted by the cops driving a car that had been reported stolen. When they pursued him, our bozo took off and led them on a 50-minute chase that went through several neighborhoods and down Interstate 70. Don’t know if he got hungry or just needed a pit stop, but after nearly an hour our bozo pulled into a McDonalds and walked inside. He was arrested before his order was ready.

January 18, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From South Charleston, West Virginia comes the story of bozo Jerry Martin who was pulled over by the cops after they spotted him driving a car that had been reported as stolen. It was when they asked him where he got the vehicle that he gave them the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the police that he had purchased the car with two grams of methamphetamines which he gave to the vehicle’s owner. After informing him that meth is not legal tender and also after discovering that he was in possession of drugs and was not in possession of a drivers license, he was placed under arrest.

January 14, 2011

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Cologne, Germany, where two unidentified bozos had big plans for breaking into an office. They got into the building just fine and were headed up to the office they had targeted when the elevator got stuck. They tried to pry open the door, with one of the bozos injuring his hand in the process. After it became obvious that they weren’t going anywhere, they did the only logical thing. They used the phone in the elevator to call for help. And by this time, they had abandoned any plans for trying to make up an elaborate story as to why they were in the building on the weekend. They simply told the operator the truth, that they were in the building planning to rob an office when the elevator jammed. Police appreciated their honesty but arrested them anyway.

January 13, 2011

Bozo criminal for today violated Basic Rule Number 1: Always clear things with your wife. From Bradenton, Florida comes the story of bozo Troy Sanders who allegedly robbed a bank. The cops released a photo of our bozo taken from the bank’s surveillance cameras. When the picture was shown on the evening news who should recognize him but his wife, who knew nothing about his career as a bank robber. She promptly called the cops and our bozo was placed under arrest.

January 12, 2011

Extremely cold weather is gripping most of the country, and it would appear it is causing some unexpected problems for our bozos. From Lincoln, Nebraska, comes the story of two bozos who thought it would be a good day to break into a house. It wasn’t. Inside the residence was a 12-year-old girl who was home on a snow day. She screamed and our bozos fled. Police are looking for them, armed with a good description from the young girl.

January 11, 2011

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Trochu, Alberta, Canada, made a number of mistakes. First, he picked the wrong farmers to attempt to steal fuel from. These guys had been robbed before and when they spotted our bozo attempting to siphon gas, they took off after him. Our bozo’s second mistake was not putting on proper clothing before attempting his heist. Our bozo tried to run in his baggy pajama pants, but it was difficult as they kept falling down. He was quickly captured by the farmers who hog-tied him with his bare butt sticking up in the air. And that’s how the cops found him. He’s been given proper jail attire and placed under arrest.

January 10, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Chatham, Ontario, where the local police appealed for help from the public in solving a burglary by releasing some details of the break-in to the local press. Their plan worked, but not in the manner in which the cops had expected. One of our bozo crooks who had taken part in the crime read the story and was so upset that the police didn’t make clear just how much he had stolen that he called the police chief and left him a voicemail describing the crime and also identifying two of his accomplices. Thanks for the recorded confession. They’re under arrest.

January 7, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmington, Delaware, where bozo John Frazier broke into a house by crawling through a window and proceeded to make himself at home. Since the owner didn’t return, he stuck around for three days, drinking three bottles of gin and two of whiskey. When he finally got ready to leave, he was too drunk to crawl back out through the window and when he discovered all the doors were locked and required a key to open, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911. He’s under arrest.

January 6, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne, Australia, where an unidentified bozo honked his horn and waved as he drove past a police car. This is probably not a good idea under any circumstances, but it was certainly a big mistake in this case. The curious officer pulled our bozo over and he was drunk. Really drunk. Five times over the legal limit. When asked why he was driving like that, he replied that he was unaware he was driving a car. He’s busted!

January 5, 2011

Bozo criminal for today just wouldn’t take "No" for an answer. From Jerome, Idaho, comes the story of bozo Guadalupe Cruz who went to the sheriff’s office and asked officers to arrest him so he could be deported. When the cops denied his request, he walked outside the station, broke the window of a squad car and drove away with the vehicle. He didn’t get very far, as the squad car soon ran out of gas. This time the cops granted his wish.

January 4, 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Fort Walton Beach, Florida, comes the story of Bozo Kyndric West who was being processed into the Okaloosa County Jail when a guard noticed something in his hand. When he asked him what it was, our bozo replied, "Cocaine." Quickly seeing the error of his ways, he said, "(Expletive), I knew I shouldn’t have brought that in…(expletive)." He then asked if he could just flush it down the toilet. His request was denied. Smuggling contraband and possessing a controlled substance have been added to the charges against him.

January 3, 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where bozo Jonathan Baker grabbed a 50-inch TV out of a delivery truck, placed it in his shopping cart and began wheeling it away. Our bozo had dressed himself in camouflage, perhaps thinking that would keep anyone from noticing him rolling a big screen TV down the sidewalk. He should have done a little more research into his getaway, as he was spotted when he pushed the TV past a police station. Oops. He’s under arrest.