Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York. Bozo Edward Toll broke into a house by kicking in the front door. The noise awoke the female occupant who grabbed a baseball bat and chased him out of the house. Undeterred, our bozo regrouped and tried again, this time climbing through a window on the front of the residence. Or almost climbing through. Apparently that second helping of stuffing on Thanksgiving did him in. He got stuck halfway into the house. And that’s exactly where the officers found him. He’s under arrest and is no doubt considering the new Weight Watchers Points Plus program.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Gripperie-Saint-Symphorien, France, where a duck farmer had his farm raided by the police who found 12 marijuana plants and 11 pounds of bagged pot on the premises. It was when they tried to place him under arrest that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the police that he fed the ducks marijuana to worm them. We’ve heard of "contented cows"…but "contented ducks"? Police didn’t buy the excuse. He’s busted!
With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching, we have an appropriate Bozo story for you today. From New York City comes the story of bozo Sal Leon who donned a mask, grabbed his gun and stormed into a pizzeria, demanding cash. He was handed a large bag by a pizza shop employee and quickly fled the scene. Um…maybe he asked for "dough" instead of "cash" because that’s what he got. The bag was full of pizza dough. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today proves once again that the old phrase, "If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again" doesn’t apply in the Bozo World. From Kalamazoo, Michigan comes the story of bozo Charles Haskins who walked into a convenience store and demanded cash. The clerk told him no way and our bozo turned around and walked out. Thinking he would try a different approach, our bozo returned to the store a short time later and this time told the clerk he had a weapon and again demanded cash. The clerk again declined, but this time he had backup. The police he had called after the first robbery attempt arrived just as our bozo was leaving the store for the second time. He’s under arrest.
No criminals involved in today’s story, but there are still plenty of bozos to go around. From Weehawken, New Jersey comes the story of the Ladies of Envy dance troupe who had traveled all the way from Jacksonville, Florida to make an appearance on the BET Network’s "106 & Park" show. Unfortunately, they were running late and you know how notoriously slow New York traffic is. After they got stuck in the tunnel that connects New Jersey and New York City, the dancers jumped out of their limo and decided to try to sprint to the TV studio. Unfortunately, they were wearing their camouflage dance costumes which attracted the attention of the Port Authority Police and the FBI-NYPD Joint Terrorism Task Force, who promptly gave chase. The resulting mayhem caused the tunnel to be closed for 45 minutes. It was all eventually sorted out, but not in time for the TV appearance. The disappointed dancers have headed back to Jacksonville.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Homestead, Pennsylvania, where bozo Thomas Carl walked into the local Subway and filled out a job application form. Guess he must have needed a job really bad because when they didn’t hire him on the spot, he flashed a gun and held up the place, getting away with a small amount of cash. He forgot one small detail, however…that job application he filled out. With his mother’s address and phone number on it. Mom told the cops where he could be found and he was placed under arrest.
Our bozo for today from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club doesn’t exactly qualify as a criminal, but no doubt she’s a bozo. From Lincoln, Nebraska, comes the story of bozo Tiffani Wheeler who was fed up with her boyfriend. So fed up, in fact, that she held him down and tried to slice a tattoo of her name off his neck. He was able to escape with only minor injuries. She’s been ordered to stay away from sharp objects.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tonypandy, Wales, where a bozo group of thieves made off with $11,000 worth of rings from a local jewelry store. Now, what do you do with a bunch hot jewelry? You try to sell it, of course. Maybe on eBay? Nope. Perhaps on the street corner? No. Try to sell it to another jewelry store? Yep, that’s what they did. And to add to their problems, they tried to sell the hot merchandise at another branch of the same jewelry store they had just robbed. Bad idea. They’re under arrest.
Now that all the passengers are home safe and sound from that ill-fated Carnival cruise, we can reveal that there was at least one Bozo on board. As the thousands of passengers were disembarking in San Diego, bozo Wendy Taylor was seen being taken off in handcuffs. It seems our unfortunate bozo didn’t realize that a customs check is done on all passengers before they are allowed off the ship. And that’s where her problems began. She was wanted in Las Vegas on a felony grand theft warrant. She’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire, where bozo Bonnie Cook robbed a pharmacy, getting away in her car. So far, so good, right? Well, not really. Several witnesses saw her toss the stolen items into her vehicle and speed away. And those witnesses were not only able to give the police a description of the car, they were also able to remember the license plate. You see, our bozo had personalized plates on her getaway vehicle. Personalized plates with her name on them. Oops. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lewiston, Idaho, where bozo Donald McMahon walked into a hotel, flashed a gun and demanded cash from the clerk. After getting his money, our bozo walked out of the hotel and right into the bar next door where he ordered himself a drink. Two mistakes here. The first mistake was not fleeing the scene immediately. The second was his appropriately named choice of bar. The place is called The Alibi Bar. This time the alibi didn’t work. He’s under arrest.
The Bozo Criminal Report is aware that the tradition of lighting up cigars to celebrate the birth of a child is on the wane but we don’t think our bozo for today has come up with a replacement tradition. From Uniontown, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Shane Tucker who felt the need to unwind after the birth of his new baby. So, he walked down to the designated smoking area of the hospital and lit up. A joint. A nurse noticed the aroma of marijuana and called the cops. The police weren’t sympathetic. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Springfield, Massachusetts, where bozo Edward Blaine robbed a Chinese food delivery guy, getting away with a small amount of cash and his food order. Must have been some good food, too, as our bozo turned up at the restaurant a short time later for seconds. Unfortunately for him, the driver had returned to the restaurant and recognized him. Employees held our bozo until the cops arrived and placed him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today proves that, once again, MySpace is about a day behind Facebook. You may remember yesterday’s bozo was foiled by his Facebook account. And today, from Sugarloaf Key, Florida, comes the story of bozo Robert Ronson, who broke into a residence. While inside, he enjoyed some food, smoked a joint, and logged on to the homeowner’s computer. Unfortunately, he forgot to turn off the computer when he left. Even more unfortunately, he left his MySpace account logged on. He was arrested by the cops less than two blocks from the residence.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Helena, Montana. Bozo Robert Crain had been on the run from the cops for 12 years, so you’d thing had had become pretty good at keeping a low profile. He had…until this whole Facebook thing caught on. And that’s what got him into trouble. He set up a Facebook page in his own name and posted a complaint about the cold weather. When someone asked him where he was, he gave his actual location. California authorities heard about the posting, sent pictures of our bozo to the local police department and he was quickly arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where 22 year-old bozo Kyle Ellis perhaps should have had a better getaway planned. Our bozo stole a lovely pair of size 10 women’s high heels from a department store. And they looked so good that he decided to wear them out. Even in today’s world, a man in high heels tends to attract attention. He was stopped outside the store and placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today fell victim to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And did we mention he was also dead drunk? From Sharonville, Ohio, comes the story of bozo John Jamieson who was visiting friends when he drove to the store to pick up some cigarettes. Unfortunately, he had also picked up a few beers along the way and got lost on his way back. He decided to stop and rest and pulled into a driveway and went to sleep. One problem, the driveway he pulled into belonged to a deputy sheriff. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Les Cayes, Haiti, where the president of the country, Rene Preval, was visiting to view the progress being made after the city bore the brunt of a recent hurricane. The president was meeting with local officials when our bozo, Yvon Chery, showed up. This would not ordinarily be a problem as Mr. Chery is the town’s mayor. Unfortunately, he is also a fugitive after being accused of shooting someone earlier this year. The president was aware of this fact and after he spotted our bozo, asked his chief of security, "Isn’t there an arrest warrant out on him?" He was immediately taken into custody.
Bozo criminals for today come from York, Pennsylvania, where bozos Shawn Crain and Zach Carter broke into their neighbor’s house and stole a laptop computer, a safe, a pistol, some cash and a bag of marijuana. They would have probably gotten away with the heist if they hadn’t taken the pot. The next morning when bozo Zach woke up he realized that bozo Shawn had smoked most all of the marijuana. A very raucous fight ensued and police were called to their apartment, where the stolen items were discovered and our bozos were placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 33498: Always choose a proper weapon. From DeLand, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified 16-year-old bozo who walked into a convenience store, threatened the clerk with a bottle of ranch dressing and demanded cash. Undaunted, the clerk threatened back with her weapon of choice, a gun. For those of you keeping score, a gun always trumps a bottle of ranch dressing. Our bozo was arrested as he was running from the store.