Bozo criminals for today come from Ukiah, California, where three unidentified bozos were spotted by the cops driving a stolen vehicle. They jumped out and fled, leaving the vehicle, which was filled with marijuana, behind. The cops chased our bozos into a nearby warehouse, which might have been a pretty good hiding place except for one thing. The warehouse was their marijuana processing operation. Oops. Nineteen people were arrested and 700 pounds of pot was confiscated.
We’ve all heard the old saying, "When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go." This may not always be true, especially if the place you’ve gotta go at is in front of a police station. From Royal Oak, Michigan, comes the story of bozo Walter Parker who heard the call of nature when he was near the Royal Oak police station. He walked over and relieved himself on the side of the police station and then he walked inside. Once inside, he told an officer that he wanted to file a police report on an undisclosed matter. While he was working on that, several witnesses informed the front desk officer what had just transpired outside. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Alliance, Ohio, where bozo James Boone ran out of the local Walmart with a shopping cart full of unpaid merchandise. Security officers called the cops but by the time they arrived our bozo had vanished. Police were stumped until they received another call, this time from a friend of our bozo. The friend said our bozo had hidden in a nearby dumpster which had then been picked up by the garbage crew. And according to our bozo, who had called his friend on his cellphone, he had already been compacted with the trash once. Police were able to track down the truck and rescue our bozo before he suffered serious injuries. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 75757: If you don’t have a real weapon, at least try to find one that looks real. From Duncansville, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozos Shannon Collins and Angela Carter who walked into an adult book store, flashed a fake gun and demanded cash. Unfortunately for them, the phony gun didn’t scare the clerk, who took one look at it and said, "First, if you’re going to rob someone, get a real gun, and, second, you’re not getting any money." She then chased them out of the store and into their waiting van. Using her description of the vehicle, the cops were able to quickly track down and arrest our bozos.
Our bozo for today was foiled by his good upbringing and by the fact that his mother taught him to always flush. From Middletown, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Sam Austin who broke into a residence and was rummaging around when nature called. He visited the home’s bathroom and was just flushing the toilet when the homeowner returned. Hearing the sound of the toilet, she ran next door and called the cops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today receives our first ever Dagwood Bumstead award. From Wauwatosa, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Richard Pope who was pulled over by the cops after they noticed him driving erratically. As the officer approached, he noticed our bozo was eating a sandwich. Upon further investigation, he discovered all the sandwich makings, a loaf of bread, cheese, salami, mustard, in the passenger seat. Apparently he had been putting the sandwich together while he was driving. The officer also found a bottle of alcohol in the car. He’s been charged with DUI.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Brasilia, Brazil, comes the story of a couple of bozos who thought they’d found the perfect hiding place for their stash of crack cocaine. In the gas tank of their car. They stuffed 11 pounds of crack into the vehicle’s tank and then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, headed to the gas station to fill ‘er up. And that’s when things went terribly wrong. The tank blew up, blasting car shrapnel 20 yards and peppering the walls of the station with crack. Police speculate the large amount of crack stuffed into the tank caused undue pressure, resulting in the explosion during filling. Miraculously, our bozos sustained only minor injuries and were placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today from Orland Park, Illinois, is the female rebuttal to yesterday’s story. Cops pulled over 38-year-old Sheryl Wilson on suspicion of DUI after noticing her driving erratically. When the cops asked her to perform a field sobriety test, she ignored their instructions and offered to instead perform a gymnastics maneuver. When the officer told her that would not be necessary, she went into full Heidi Klum mode and did a runway walk, walking up and down the roadside with her hands on her hips three times. Didn’t work. The officer placed her under arrest. And to cap things off, as he was arresting her, our bozo asked him if he was going to read her "the Amanda rights."
Bozo criminal for today comes from Corvallis, Oregon, where Oregon State offensive lineman Tyler Harris turned up naked at a woman’s home after a night of heavy drinking. The frightened woman called the cops and when they arrived and ordered him to get down on the floor, our naked bozo must have thought he was back on the football field. Instead of simply dropping to the ground, our bozo assumed a three-point football stance and lunged at the officers. Maybe he thought it would get him a job with the Dallas Cowboys. Instead it got him arrested and kicked off the team.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Roanoke, Virginia, where bozo Charles Jacobson had it all figured out. Almost. He walked into a bank, carrying a large black bag and handed the teller a note demanding cash. He received the money and ran from the bank. Once outside, he reached into the bag and grabbed the change of clothes he was carrying, taking off the clothes he had worn during the robbery and putting on a new outfit to avoid being recognized. He then walked away, carrying the cash and leaving the black bag with his holdup clothes behind. Unfortunately, he forgot that he had his ID card in the pants pocket of the holdup clothes. Oops. Police found the bag and the ID and quickly placed our bozo under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Malibu, California, where bozo Neil Hall broke into a car and stole a cell phone. Now, what to do with a stolen phone…maybe put it up for sale on Craig’s List? Sounds like a good idea. Unless the guy you stole it from happens to go shopping on Craig’s List looking for a phone to replace his stolen one. And that’s exactly what happened. The guy bought his own phone from the bozo who stole it. Which might not have been a problem except for a couple of things. Number one, our bozo left all the old phone numbers programmed into the phone so the man immediately recognized it. And number two, our bozo placed his return address on the package. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today from Hillsboro, Oregon proves the old adage that there is a time and a place for everything. Unfortunately for our bozo, this wasn’t the time or the place. Bozo Gregory Hampton decided that it would be fun to drop his pants and moon everyone passing by on the eastbound lane of highway 224. Unfortunately a police officer happened to be passing by at the time. And even more unfortunately, it turns out the guy was on parole and wasn’t supposed to be drinking, which he was. He’s busted.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ramsgate, England, where bozo Daniel Brown stole the keys to an Audi A4 from a woman’s jacket at a party. Obviously planning on keeping the car for a while, our bozo’s first stop was the local petrol station where he filled the car up. With gasoline. Unfortunately, it was a diesel vehicle. Police found our bozo a short distance away trying to get the broken down car to start. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where bozo Brandon Huffman was plying his trade as the street musician known as "Bongo Jesus." With a name like that you might suspect that his musical talent isn’t too great. And you might be right. And his also apparently a little thin skinned. After a 54-year-old man criticized his music, our bozo went El Kabong on him. After a brief argument, he bashed the would-be critic over the head with his guitar. A nearby officer used his stun gun to subdue our bozo and place him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where bozo Thomas Harris robbed a woman at gunpoint when she was stopped at a red light. He got away with $310 but he didn’t get very far. It seems when he leaned in to get his cash she saw that he had the words "Get Money" shaved into his hair on one side of his head. She also noticed he had "Get" tattooed on his right hand and "Money" on his left hand. He should have gone ahead and had "Get Arrested" tattooed on his forehead. Cops recognized the guy from the description and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Dewey Beach, Delaware comes the story of a couple of bozos who were pulled over by a cop for speeding. The officer smelled marijuana wafting from the vehicle and asked our bozos to step out of the car while he conducted a search. After a search turned up nothing, the officer returned to his vehicle where, much to his surprise, he once again smelled the aroma of marijuana. So, he conducted a search of his own patrol car and, sure enough, he found two bags of a leafy green substance stashed in the seat. Yep, one of our bozos had decided to hide the pot in the patrol car while the officer was searching his vehicle. Busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from Red Bluff, California, where a group of marijuana growers were totally into customer service. Too much into it, it turns out. Two game wardens were patrolling a wooded area looking for deer poachers when they heard footsteps coming up behind them. Before they knew what was happening, five men began tossing large duffel bags into the back of the officers pickup truck. And those duffel bags were full of marijuana. Apparently our bozos had mistaken the officers as customers who had stopped by to pick up a delivery of pot. Busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Orem, Utah. Bozo Charles Henry was busted by the cops for selling marijuana. It was then that he gave the officers the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told them that the only reason he was selling weed was to raise money so he could afford to go to the police academy. Guess he got some first hand, on-the-job experience. He’s busted.