Bozo criminal for today no doubt regrets the fact that his would-be victim was obviously a big fan of McGruff the Crime Dog. From Daytona Beach, Florida comes the story of 73-year-old great-grandmother Patricia Reynolds who was accosted at a gas station by our bozo who grabbed her purse and then attempted to flee. We say attempted because Granny took a bite out of crime by biting our bozo’s arm hard enough to draw blood. This slowed him down enough that bystanders were able to call 911 as he made his way to his getaway vehicle. He was quickly placed under arrest. Our granny has a loose tooth but is otherwise OK.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Garstin for sending in today’s report. From San Francisco, California, comes the story of bozo Horatio Torrez who snatched a new iPhone while it was being demonstrated to potential clients at a business conference. Guess our bozo didn’t realize that what was being featured at the demonstration was the GPS tracking software installed on the phone. The cops were called and in less than 10 minutes they had used the software to track down and arrest our bozo.
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where bozo Douglas Carter was watching the local news when he saw a segment on unsolved crimes. The one that caught his attention involved a man grabbing a person in a car and pistol whipping him. Our bozo thought the guy doing the pistol whipping looked awfully familiar and so he did what any bozo would do, he called the police to ask why his face was being shown on TV. Bad idea. Both the cops and the victim have identified our bozo as the criminal in the video. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma, where two bozos broke into Linda Stevenson’s apartment. One held a screwdriver to her throat while the other paced back and forth holding her purse and demanding her valuables. Then, things suddenly got much more dangerous, as one of our bozo told her to take off her clothes. And that’s when Stevenson, a card carrying member of the NRA, sprang into action. She said she’d give our bozos her money if they’d hand over her purse so she could retrieve it. They did. And what she retrieved was her Lady Smith and Wesson .38 special. Four shots were fired and our bozos both crumpled to the floor. Final score: Woman 2, Bozos 0.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Richey, Florida, where bozo Shawn Moore had a problem, and he sought out a police officer to try to solve it, which may not have been the best idea. Our bozo was riding his bicycle around 9 PM the other evening with a pair of handcuffs dangling from his right wrist. He flagged down a patrol car and told the officer his girlfriend had put the handcuffs on him before discovering she didn’t have a key. He was able to pick the lock on the left cuff, but the right one was stuck tight. The officer said he’d be glad to help, but he’d have to pat him down first. And that’s when our bozo’s troubles really began. The officer found nine Xanax pills, a syringe and other pills for which he did not have a prescription. Oops. The officer reapplied the handcuff to our bozo’s left wrist and placed him under arrest for possession of drug paraphernalia.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Penryn, California where our bozo was living his lifelong dream…unfortunately that’s what got him arrested. The Valencia Club went out of business in June. A couple of weeks later bozo Travis Karl, a homeless guy, broke into the shuttered bar and started cleaning the place up. He bought a six-pack of beer and an "Open" sign at a convenience store and started selling beer to customers who strolled in. Business was good and he used the money from his proceeds to buy more alcohol, continuing to build up the business until he had up to 30 customers a day and a dozen or so bottles of hard liquor and several cases of beer. Things started to go downhill when the local paper did a story on the re-opening of the bar, complete with a picture and a quote from out bozo saying it was a "dream come true" to run the bar. A police officer recognized our bozo and went to the club to investigate. He’s been charged with burglary and selling alcohol without a license.
Bozos for today don’t qualify as criminals but they are such bozos that they’ve moved to the front of the line. From Sedro-Wooley, Washington, comes the story of two unidentified men who work at a shop that builds and services race cars. And those race cars run on methanol fuel. Somehow, our bozos came up with the bright idea of using the methanol barrels to create a sort of "ground rocket." One of our bozos took a seat upon the 55 gallon barrel of methanol while our other bozo lit it. It must have sounded like fun, to ride across the parking lot on a flaming barrel of methanol. Didn’t work out. The barrel exploded and one end of it flew 120 feet. Remarkably, both bozos survived and were taken to the hospital where they were treated for severe burns. Unfortunately, there’s no treatment for stupidity.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where bozo Lori Thomas walked into the local McDonalds and ordered two sandwiches and two small coffees. The cashier gave our bozo a bag with the sandwiches and turned to get the coffees. While she was filling the cups, our bozo grabbed one of the sandwiches and stuffed it down her pants. She then began to complain loudly that she had been shorted a sandwich and demanded that they give her another one. When the clerk refused, our bozo continued to complain and eventually the police were called. When the deputy arrived, the woman was still screaming, "Give me the (expletive) sandwich." It was then that the deputy noticed a large grease stain on the front of the woman’s pants. He demanded that she give up the evidence. She refused, and a female officer was called. The officer promptly reached into the woman’s pants and pulled out the sandwich. Busted! She’s been charged with theft and public intoxication.
Bozo criminal for today once again proves that most bozos just don’t know when to let well enough alone. From Hollywood, Florida, comes the story of bozo Robert Prater who was pulled over by the cops for running a stop sign. Even though the vehicle he was driving was covered with signs advertising discount t-shirts, our bozo managed to convince the officer he was an agent with the General Services Administration, and showed him an ID card. The officer let him off with a warning and our bozo went on his way. But he just couldn’t let it go. Later that day, he went to the police station to complain about being stopped. Bad idea. They ran a background check and found that, while he did work for the GSA, he was not an agent, and was not above basic traffic rules and regulations. He’s now charged with impersonating an officer, a felony.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Cinnaminson, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Richard Hardy who was arrested on shoplifting charges. He was locked up for having two outstanding warrants before paying his $400 bail in cash. After he left the facility, police discovered the money he used to pay his bail was counterfeit. As our bozo was enjoying his freedom, he started thinking that he had been overcharged. He was quite sure his bail should have been $200 instead of the $400 he was charged. So, he did what any bozo would do. He returned to the police station and asked for his $200 back. The $200 he had paid in bogus bills. Bad idea. He’s been charged with counterfeiting.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kensunnuma, Japan, where bozo Kazuhiro Keyama walked into a building carrying a large kitchen knife and threatened the woman at the reception counter, demanding money. Things quickly went downhill from there. Police officers appeared out of nowhere and quickly placed him under arrest. You see, there was one small flaw in his robbery plan. The building he walked into was a police station. Oops.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Buffalo, New York, where bozo Eugene Taylor was attempting to cross back into the United States after a trip to Canada. A customs officer noticed he was wearing an ankle monitor and it was when he asked him the reason for the bracelet that our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He explained to the officer that he was only wearing the device as a show of support for Lindsay Lohan. Good story, but didn’t work. He was arrested for violating his probation which did not allow him to leave the country.
Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Kimberly, Australia, proves that sometimes you do indeed get your just desserts. An unidentified bozo who was ejected from a pub for being disorderly proceeded to climb over the fence into the nearby Broome Crocodile Park. Once inside, he made the poor choice of climbing onto the back of Fatso, a 16-foot long saltwater crocodile. Our bozo said he only wanted to pet Fatso, but the croc didn’t see it that way and whirled around and took a chunk out of our bozo’s right leg. Perhaps his blood alcohol content was too much for the croc, as he let him go and our bozo struggled to safety. He was treated at the hospital before being charged.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bruce Corris for sending in today’s report, which is a violation of Bozo Rule Number 678954: If you’re going to grow an illegal herb, try to do it in an inconspicuous place. From Niagara Falls, New York, comes the story of bozo Thomas Davis who was cultivating a garden of more than a dozen pot plants on his second story porch. A police officer on patrol couldn’t help but notice the garden, so he went to the man’s apartment to investigate. Guess he must have been pretty proud of his crop. When the cop knocked on the front door, he let him inside to take a look. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Daytona Beach, Florida, where bozo Raymond Smith jumped onto the hood of a woman’s car as she was leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot. Our bozo demanded cash and used his gun to smash the car’s windshield. Unfortunately, when he knocked a hole in the glass, the gun fell from his hand directly onto the woman’s lap. Thinking quickly, she picked it up and pointed it at our bozo who thought better of things and fled. In the process, he also dropped his cellphone, which included photos that allowed the cops to ID and track down our bozo, who is now under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Manatee, Florida, where bozo Jason Gunn violated the rules of his supervised release program and was ordered to return to jail. Guess he thought the jail might not have all the comforts of home so he took a little something extra along with him, and that’s what caused all the trouble. As he was changing from his street clothes into his jail uniform, one of the guards heard a snap and then noticed a baggie of prescription pills fall to the floor. Apparently our bozo had placed the contraband into the plastic bag which he then "attached" to his privates with a rubber band. The strain was too great for the band and it snapped. Ouch. He’s been booked on charges of drug trafficking and introduction of contraband into a facility.
Bozo criminal for today from Villa Rica, Georgia, carried his desire for a neat appearance a little too far. 29-year-old bozo Richard Cooke, who lives with his parents, was not happy with the look of his shirts after his mother had washed them. So, he went to Mom and demanded that she iron them for him, since ironing is "woman’s work." When she told him to do it himself, he pulled out a gun, took her keys and cellphones and held her hostage in the house for six hours. Mom eventually escaped and went to the police station. Our bozo is in jail, charged with aggravated assault and false imprisonment. Hopefully the trade he learns while imprisoned will be ironing.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Duluth, Minnesota, where the current nationwide heatwave perhaps led to our bozo receiving a reprieve. Police were called to a report of a man in a vehicle brandishing a weapon. When they pulled him over, they discovered the weapon was a fully loaded "Super Soaker" water gun. Thinking he might be performing a public service, the man was released without being charged.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Land O’Lakes, Florida. Our bozo for today may not necessarily be a criminal but her actions, however well intentioned, qualify her as a bozo. Vanessa Clark finally got fed up with looking at a trailer loaded with furniture and other assorted junk sitting in the parking lot of her apartment complex. So, she did what any bozo would do. She took pictures of it and posted an advertisement on Craigslist, offering the contents for free to anyone who would come by and haul it away. And someone did just that. One problem, the trailer belonged to a resident of the apartment complex, and as you know one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. She’s been charged with theft.
From Easton, Pennsylvania comes the story of four bozos who pulled off the time-honored prank of putting soap into a fountain only to be foiled by modern technology. The four young women dumped detergent and dish soap into the fountain on the city square and it quickly overflowed with soap bubbles. Not content to just enjoy their prank themselves, they felt the need to post the whole thing on You Tube for everyone to see. Unfortunately, everyone could also see their faces, including the cops. They’ve been charged with criminal mischief.