One thing we’re sure of here at the Bozo Report: Guys love their trucks. And our bozo for today must not have realized just how much. From Longview, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a big pickup truck from the back yard of a home. Unfortunately, the homeowner was there at the time. And even more unfortunately, the homeowner immediately recognized the loud pipes on his truck when our bozo fired it up. He ran out of the house and gave chase in his other car and was on our bozos tail almost before he left the driveway. Thinking better of the whole thing, our bozo pulled over and ran away from the truck, which the homeowner then drove back home. Maybe next time he won’t leave the keys in it.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Mecklenburg, Germany, where a group of bozos had a plan for stealing a cash machine from the local bank. Their plan was to blow up the machine and collect the money. So, under cover of darkness, they entered the ATM building and planted explosives around the machine. From a safe distance away, they set off the explosion. And what an explosion it was. When the smoke cleared, the whole building had been destroyed. And among the rubble, only one thing was left standing. The ATM machine. Virtually unscathed. Oops. Our bozos got away with absolutely nothing.
Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that the current trend of facial tattoos can lead to more problems than the obvious ones. From Pueblo, Colorado, comes the story of bozo Anthony Gomez who donned a mask before breaking into a home. His first mistake was breaking into a house that was occupied at the time. His second mistake was in not realizing that his mask did not cover the "East Side" tattoo on his upper lip and the "13" that was tattooed on his chin. Residents gave the description of the tattoos to the cops who had no problem in identifying and arresting our bozo.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 120098: When committing a crime, it’s usually a good idea to try to be as inconspicuous as possible. From Minden, Nevada, comes the story of bozo Brandi Sellers who shoplifted a bottle of wine from a local convenience store. She then drove over to a nearby fast-food restaurant. Police were called and had no problem quickly identified her. It was what she wearing, or wasn’t wearing, during the theft that sealed her fate. She was topless when she walked into the store. All police had to do was look for the topless woman in the restaurant parking lot. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Wenatchee, Washington, where bozo Robert Perkins was staying in room 119 at a local motel. One of his friends was also staying in the same establishment and tried to call him. One problem, his friend mis-dialed and called 911 instead of 119. Which would not have been a problem except for one little thing. When the police arrived to make sure everything was OK, they discovered our bozo had an outstanding arrest warrant. And they found heroin and other drugs in his room. Oops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Temecula, California, where bozo Robert Wilks held up a bank. He walked into a Bank of America branch, handed the teller a note and left with a small amount of cash. So far, so good. It was his choice of getaway vehicles that sealed his fate. He fled the scene in a tow truck bearing a big logo of the company. Cops showed a surveillance photo of our bozo climbing into the truck to the owner of the company who immediately recognized our bozo as an employee. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lowell, Massachusetts where bozo John Gonzalez robbed a convenience store. Something spooked him during the heist and he forced one of the clerks into his car as he fled. Our bozo drove around for a while before stopping a couple of blocks from his home. He then got out, took off his mask and walked into his house. Guess he forgot about the clerk, who watched him as he walked home and then called the cops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Boulder, Colorado, where two bozos decided it would be fun to vandalize cars by splashing white paint on them. Guess they had so much fun doing it that it didn’t occur to them that there was one major flaw it their plan. When you splash paint on a car, it’s inevitable that some will splash back on you and that you will leave paint footprints when you leave. And that’s just what happened. The cops followed the trail of paint to our bozos’ home where they found them with paint residue on their bodies. They’re busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from New York City where two teenage bozos broke into a garage and were rummaging around when they were spotted by the homeowner on the garage’s surveillance cameras. He then called the cops who quickly arrived and arrested our bozos. Case closed. Not quite. When the officers asked the homeowner why he had a surveillance camera in his garage, he told them it was to protect his marijuana plants. Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy. Police found 51 pot plants inside. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Athens, Tenneseee, where bozo Jack Brunson rode his bicycle to the bank, pulled on a hood and a bandana and went inside to announce this was a hold-up. The teller gave him a small amount of cash and he climbed back onto his bicycle and started to pedal away. Perhaps the mask obscured his vision, as he pedaled his bike right into the path of an oncoming car. Fortunately, he received only minor injuries. Unfortunately, the accident led to his arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarksville, Tennessee, where an unidentified bozo stole a case of beer from a convenience store and ran away. The clerk was shocked when our bozo returned, beer in hand, a few minutes later. No, he had not suddenly felt remorse and decided to bring it back. Instead, he was returning it because it was warm and wanted to exchange it for some cold beer. He didn’t get it.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 111556: Don’t mess with Granny…or her daughter. From St Paul, Minnesota, comes the story of bozo Perry Yates who spotted an 85-year-old woman walking with her 64-year-old daughter and thought they would be an easy target for a purse snatching. He thought wrong. He grabbed Granny’s purse and took off, with the 64 year old in hot pursuit, waving her cane as she ran. Within less than a block, she caught up with him and he took a swing at her with his knife, which she blocked with her cane, breaking the knife and knocking it to the ground. She took another swing at him with the cane and he dropped the purse and fled in his vehicle, but not before a witness got his license plate number. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Kalamazoo, Michigan, comes the story of bozo Walter Yates who burglarized a residence after using a can of paint to break the window. Which might have been a good idea if it had been an empty paint can, which it wasn’t. And while the full can of paint got the job done, it also burst open in the process, spraying paint all over our bozo. Police investigating the crime first noticed the paint splattered all over the house. Then, they noticed our bozo walking around the area with the paint splattered all over his person. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 334478: When trying to break into prison, it’s best to keep as low a profile as possible. From the International File in Newport, England, comes the story of two unidentified bozos, one of them wearing a full Snoopy costume and waving a gun, who attempted to break into the local jail. When they failed to break down the door, they pelted the prison officers’ cars with chunks of concrete. Police officers quickly placed our favorite beagle and his friend under arrest. It was then they discovered Snoopy’s gun was actually a water pistol. When they questioned him about why he was trying to break into the jail, he said he wanted to free some friends who were behind bars. Unfortunately, he had gone to the wrong jail. His friends were housed in another facility a few miles away.
Bozo criminal for today comes from our "Be Careful What You Ask For" file. Bozo Charles Gale had been dealing cocaine from his residence when one of his neighbors called the cops to report suspicious activity. When police arrived, they noticed he had a doormat outside the front door that said, "Come Back With A Warrant." They won’t have to. He was arrested after selling the cops $500 worth of cocaine.
(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Officer "Jofa" of the Boston Police Department for sending in today’s report. One day the officer was on patrol when he noticed a car double parked in front of a pizza joint. Running a quick check he discovered the car was stolen. Thinking anyone stupid enough to double park a stolen car must be a bozo, the officer thought it might be easy enough to get him to come out and claim it. So, he turned on the blue lights and walked up to the car, preparing to write out a citation. In no time, the bozo appeared, shouting, "Don’t write me a ticket, officer. I’ll move my car!" Add stolen vehicle charges to that parking ticket.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From La Crosse, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Ryan Lang who was pulled over by the cops under suspicion of DUI. While being interviewed, our bozo jumped back into his car and attempted to flee. A bad idea under any circumstances, but a terrible idea in this case. When he jumped back into his car, one officer climbed into the passenger’s seat and a second officer climbed into the car on the driver’s side, on top of our bozo. Undeterred, our bozo still attempted to drive away. Not surprisingly, he only made it about one block before the cops got the situation under control and placed him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today is obviously a thrifty sort who doesn’t like to let anything go to waste. From Bellview, Florida, comes the story of bozo Dean Starkey who was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of DUI. When the officer asked him to take a sobriety test, our bozo calmly reached down, took a big swig from a cup and tossed it underneath the passenger seat. The officer retrieved the cup and found it to smell strongly of alcohol. Needless to say, he was charged with driving under the influence.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 199908: A cape does not a superhero make. From Kansas City, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Dwayne Miller who stole a semitrailer cab while wearing a superman cape. Cops were quickly on his trail and during the ensuing car chase the vehicle became stuck in the mud. Perhaps it was now that he thought the cape would come in handy, as he jumped out of the truck and tried to flee on foot. Cape or no, he wasn’t quick enough to outrun the cops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Conningham, Australia where bozo Nicholas Trent was a newlywed. And a very proud newlywed at that. Proud enough that he submitted a wedding announcement and picture to the local newspaper. Which would have been a find idea except for one thing. Our bozo was already married to someone else. And that someone else happened to be reading the paper and noticed the picture. She called the cops and loverboy is now under arrest for bigamy.