Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas, where bozo Charles Martin was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. It was then that he offered the Bozo Excuse of the Week. Pointing out the laceration on his head, he told the officer that he had recently bought some crack cocaine and had attempted to pay for it with Monopoly money. Not surprisingly, the dealer had not taken kindly to his offer and had whacked him over the head with a gun. Unfortunately, this excuse was not a get out of jail free card. He was arrested and the search for his dealer is underway.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Fort Walton Beach, Florida, comes the story of a 27-year-old woman who ended up getting arrested because she couldn’t spell her name. A police officer pulled her over after he noticed she had a taillight out. Looking at her license, he noticed her strange first name and asked her to spell it for him. When she misspelled it, the passenger nudged her and she took another crack at it, misspelling it again. He then handed her a sheet of paper and asked her to sign her name and this time she misspelled both her first and last names. He took a look in her purse and found an ID card with her real name. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 009877: Choose your hiding place very carefully. From Albion, Indiana, comes the story of Bozo Robert Hawn who was on the run from the cops who suspected that he was in possession of methamphetamines. After more than an hour of searching for him, the cops were just about ready to give up when they decided to look in the most unlikely of places. A liquid manure pit at a local farm. And there they found him, crocodile like, with only his nose and eyes peeking out from the muck. They retrieved him, hosed him off, treated him for hypothermia and placed him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where bozo Donnell Moore was arrested by the cops after he broke into a smoke shop by crawling through a roof vent. It was during questioning that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he had actually planned on breaking into the liquor store next door. Unfortunately he got confused once on the roof and climbed down the wrong ventilation shaft. Sorry, ignorance is no excuse. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Suffolk, Virginia, where bozo Sean Anderson held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. Perhaps he should have used the store’s sparkling clean facilities before fleeing, but he did not. And as soon as he got outside, he felt the need to answer the call of nature, so he went behind one of the stores dumpsters. In spite of the appropriate name, this was not a good idea. Police arrived quickly and arrested him before he completed his business.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida, where bozo Alan Johnson was getting frustrated by the slow moving drive-thru lane at McDonalds. So, he took out those frustrations on the driver in front of him, ramming his truck into the other driver’s rear bumper. He then simply got out of his truck and walked away, leaving the vehicle unattended in the drive-thru lane. Cops were called and they found our bozo strolling around the parking lot. When the asked him what he was doing, he replied, "Just walking." And as for who was driving his truck, he said it was his "friend." Unfortunately, he had the keys in his pocket. He’s been charged with DUI and leaving the scene of an accident.
Bozo criminal for today took the concept of "One Stop Shopping" to another level. From Kennewick, Washington, comes the story of bozo Travis Hampton who broke into a store, looked around and took inventory of what he wanted to steal. He then logged onto the store’s computers and posted some of the items for sale on the internet. While there, he also logged onto his MySpace account and looked at some porn before leaving. He left behind all the evidence the cops needed to place him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Kirkland, Washington, where bozo Anthony Ferris was looking for a vehicle to carjack. He spotted one he liked, and when the owner returned from the grocery store, he ran up and demanded she turn over the keys. Unfortunately for him, she had just opened the car door when he made his request. And even more unfortunately, she had taken her 3-year-old dog Victor with her when she went to the store. One thing you should know about Victor. He’s a rescue dog. A pit bull that had been rescued from a dog-fighting ring. He likes his new owner and wasn’t about to let anything happen to her. When our bozo grabbed the door, Victor let out such a ferocious bark that our bozo threw himself backwards, tripped and fell down. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Marathon, Florida, comes the story of bozo Brian Sawyer who had big plans for a project he was working on. And there was one essential ingredient he was missing…sand. Lots of sand. And where can you find an abundance of sand? The beach, of course. So, our bozo drove his pickup down to Coco Plum Beach and filled it up with sand. Unfortunately, he forgot one thing about driving on the beach. You tend to get stuck. Especially when you have a pickup truck filled with sand. Sheriff’s deputies helped to get him unstuck before charging him with grand theft of sand, criminal mischief and DUI.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where bozo William Hastings broke into a residence and stole numerous items, including a generator, sunglasses and several bottles of cologne. Before leaving, our bozo also raided the fridge, taking out several bottles of hot sauce and inexplicably breaking them against a wall before fleeing. The homeowner returned just in time to spot our bozo was walking across the yard in the direction of a nearby gas station. Police were called and our bozo was quickly arrested. It seems he was rather easy to spot. He was covered in hot sauce. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today definitely wins the Bozo Excuse of the Month award and is the early leader for Bozo Excuse of the Year. From North East, Maryland, comes the story of bozo Carl Anders who was spotted by the manager of the local BP convenience store when he came in to open up. Or at least, he spotted part of him…his feet, which were dangling from the store’s ventilation system. Police arrived and freed our bozo who then offered up this excuse. The 20-year-old said he was playing hide and seek with some friends and crawled into the ductwork to hide from them and got stuck. And where were his fellow hide and seekers? He said after they couldn’t find him, they gave up and went home. Police didn’t believe him, either. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today wins our Meathead of the Month award. From Athens, Tennessee, comes the story of bozo door-to-door meat salesman Robert Sloan who was apparently knocking on doors and trying to sell his product with a city permit. When the cops approached him in his vehicle, he panicked and tossed a half-burned marijuana cigarette in his mouth and swallowed it, in full view of the officers. He’s got a lot more to worry about now than selling meat without a permit.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Indianapolis, Indiana, where bozo James Simpson was released from prison after serving a four-month sentence for marijuana possession. His wife came to the jail to pick him up and the urge to celebrate his freedom immediately was apparently just too much to resist. A police officer noticed our bozos car being driven erratically just a few blocks from the prison. He pulled the vehicle over and inside he found our bozo, his wife and a friend enjoying his freedom by smoking a joint. Oops. He’s headed back to jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from our Truth in Advertising department. From Holiday, Florida, comes the story of bozo Rebekah Koonce who was pulled over by the cops after she ran a stop sign. The officer noticed she had bloodshot eyes and was slurring her speech, so he decided to search her car. And that was when he found the evidence that sealed our bozo’s fate. Inside the car was a green plastic box with a label reading "Rebekah’s pot" on the outside. And that’s also what was on the inside. She’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Clackamas County, Oregon. Bozo David Henry was spotted by a police officer as he awkwardly tried to load a bicycle onto the MAX light rail platform at a shopping center. The officer soon discovered the reason our bozo was struggling. He had a bolt-cutter and several other tools stuffed into his pants, along with $61 worth of quarters. It seems that our bozo had raided several newspaper boxes and stolen the bicycle along the way. He’s under arrest…for the 45th time.
Bozo criminals for today come from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, where two men forced another man into a van at gunpoint and then robbed him of everything in his pockets and even took his shoes. After being kicked out of the van, he called the cops. The police had no trouble finding the crooks after the victim described the vehicle he had been held in. It was a black van covered with pictures of scantily clad women advertising "Big Bob’s Gold Mine", an area strip club. And one of the robbers was apparently a relative of the owner. Oops. They’re under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Woodbine, Georgia, comes the story of bozo Harry Jacobs who needed a smoke. Really needed a smoke. Only problem, he was an inmate in the County Jail and there weren’t any cigarettes available. So he set up a meeting with a friend on the outside who was supposed to toss the smokes over a fence in the exercise yard. When our bozo went to meet his friend, he was nowhere to be found. So, he did what any cigarette-jonesing bozo would do. He climbed the fence, broke a window at a nearby convenience store and stole several packs of cigarettes. Unfortunately his break-in to the jail wasn’t as successful as his break-out. Guards spotted him as he attempted to climb back over the fence. Those were pretty expensive cigarettes. He’s been sentenced to an additional 20 years for burglary and escape.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Chris Snyder for sending in today’s report from Medford, Oregon. Two unidentified bozos attempted to rob someone at knifepoint at a convenience store before losing their nerve and running away. This would probably have been a good plan except for one thing. They had driven their car to the store. Police were on the scene investigating when our bozos returned to pick up their car. Oops. They’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 990987: Get Out of Jail Free cards only work in Monopoly. From Rikers Island, New York, comes the story of bozo Dana Friedrich was being held on burglary charges. It was then that he hatched his seemingly foolproof plan. He printed up fake court papers lowering his bond from $100,000 to $1000 and forged a court official’s initials on the document. Unfortunately, an officer quickly spotted the phony document and simply added forgery charges to our bozo’s rap sheet.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from our April Fools File. From Newberg, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Corey Mason who called the cops and told them that three well-dressed burglars had broken into his home. He said that he had surprised them when he returned home and they fled after he fired several rounds from his handgun at them. Police began a massive search for the men, but found nothing. Upon further investigation at his home, they also found no evidence of a struggle, much less a shootout. They did, however find methamphetamines. While the police contemplate why he would have made the whole story up, they’ve charged him with drug possession.