Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Renton, Washington, comes the story of bozo Paul Green who stole a truck from the city transfer yard. First thing our bozo did was stop at a convenience store to fill it up with gas. That was his first mistake. It was a diesel truck. When the truck stalled shortly thereafter, he made his second mistake. He called 911 for assistance. While the police were en route, a city employee noticed the stalled truck and stopped by to lend a hand. Even though our bozo had put on a reflector vest in an attempt to look like an actual employee of the city, the real employee quickly figured out something was up and explained the situation to the cops. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Great Falls, Montana, comes the story of bozo Lars Schmidt who walked into a restaurant, told the clerk he had a gun and demanded cash. The clerk said that the register was empty, but that she would go to the other register to get the cash. While she was walking over, she also told the manager what was going on. In the process, our bozo seemingly had a change of heart. He took out his cell phone and called 911…to report a robbery. Yep, he turned himself in. He’s under arrest.
Christmas is over now, and while Santa was away on his rounds, some of our bozos came out to play. From Joplin, Missouri, comes the story of Bozos Jennifer Holmes and Katherine Wells who were pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. After our bozos acted a little nervous, the cops decided to take a look inside the car, where they found a large number wrapped Christmas gifts. And inside those gifts…marijuana. About 20 pounds of it. Guess we know who was naughty this year. They’re under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Lincoln, England, where bozo Peter Gaskey stole a cell phone. When a friend of the victim called the phone, our bozo answered and carried on a long, 42-minute conversation with the man. During the course of the conversation, he told him a number of things, including his name and home address. Maybe he should have just hung up. He’s under arrest for theft.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joseph Haig for sending in today’s report from the International File in Manchester, England. Bozo John Anderson went to the local police station to report a disturbance at a nearby supermarket. Apparently there was no one at the station at the time, so he left and returned later, right? Nope. Maybe he left a detailed message about the incident? Not this guy. Instead, for reasons known only to the bozo brain, he smashed the window of the police station, went inside and tried to steal himself a couple of computers. Unfortunately, he was caught red-handed by an officer in the parking lot. He’s under arrest.
It would appear there may be several bozos involved in today’s story, some of them not criminals. From Portland, England, comes the story of bozo Mohamed Jeddah who was incarcerated at the Verne Prison, where he had developed quite a reputation as an expert gardener. His plants were so impressive that he even convinced the guards to allow him to decorate his tomato plants with Christmas ornaments. One problem, however…they weren’t tomato plants. The plants decorated to look like Christmas trees were actually marijuana. The guards didn’t have a clue until another inmate tipped them off. And after a quick check of pictures of pot plants on the Internet, our bozo was busted.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfield, Alabama, where bozo Richard Porter thought he had come up with a great plan to rob the local Wal-Mart. He simply found himself a hiding place inside the store and, after it closed at midnight, he came out and picked up $54,000 in cash and checks. Sounds like a good plan, except for one small thing…how to get out of the locked store. A security guard spotted him as he shook the store’s front doors, trying to force them open. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from our Bad Santa File. From Sparta, Wisconsin, comes the story of one of Santa’s helpers who shall remain unidentified. Our bozo pulled up to a playground and stumbled out of his car, in his full Santa outfit. After hugging several of the children, he asked them if they knew where he could find his reindeer. Police were called and "Santa" was arrested for public intoxication.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Cape Girardeau, Missouri, where the cops were called to a Sonic Drive-In after receiving reports of someone on the premises after hours. When they arrived, they found bozo Dennie Boyles, a shift manager at the restaurant, in the kitchen. This in itself might not have been a problem, but what he was cooking certainly was. Our bozo was preparing a batch of methamphetamine in the kitchen. Guess he took the restaurant’s slogan, "Service with the Speed of Sound" a little too literally. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Milford, Massachusetts. Police were called to the home of 21 year-old Scott Brown after his parents reported he was causing a disturbance. After talking to our bozo, the officers decided to send him in for a psychiatric evaluation. Only one problem, he wasn’t wearing shoes. So, he asked one of the officers to please get his sneakers from his closet. When he went to the closet, the officer found a lot more than sneakers. Inside, 37 marijuana plants valued at $50,000. Oops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from our Naughty, not Nice file in Portage, Indiana. Police officers on patrol around 1 am pulled up to a Christmas tree lot after hearing motor noise coming from the area. They spotted our bozo, riding his bicycle equipped with a small homemade motor and no lights. That in itself isn’t a crime. What caused the problem was what they saw balanced on the handlebars of the bike. A large Christmas tree. He told the cops he had bought the tree at the lot. When they told him the lot was closed for the night, he said he had bought it at the bar down the street. And that’s when the officers noticed the price tag was still on the tree. He’s busted.
Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 99875: Family resemblance will only get you so far. From Franklin, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Thomas Morris who put on his mother’s pink blouse, black coat and neck scarf, applied a liberal amount of makeup and lipstick and headed down to the local bank. He pulled up at the drive-thru window and, speaking in a high pitched voice, tried to withdraw money from his mother’s account. He even handed over his mother’s drivers license in an attempt to prove his identity. Apparently his disguise wasn’t as good as he had hoped, as suspicious tellers called the cops. He was still waiting, and still wearing his outfit, when the police arrived.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. While we can’t call her a criminal, there’s not doubt 13-year-old Stacey Wheeler qualifies as a bozo. And at this holiday season we feel an obligation to present this story as a public service. It’s been very cold in Spokane Valley, Washington recently. And on one particularly cold morning, our bozo felt the need to put an old urban legend to the test. She touched her tongue to a metal flagpole. And, yes, Virginia, it stuck. And when she couldn’t get it unstuck, her friend called 911. The fire department came by and poured warm water on the pole, freeing the frozen tongue. They sent her home, and hopefully also cautioned her to be careful with BB guns.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 009843: It’s a good idea to check the hours of operation before attempting a robbery. From Tallmadge Township, Michigan comes the story of bozo Charles Hampton who tried to break into a towing and auto repair shop around 8 o’clock Friday evening. It is important to note that Tallmadge Township has received a significant amount of snow in recent days and the towing service crew has been rather busy. So busy, in fact, that a number of employees were still in the building when our bozo attempted his break-in. Oops. Employees chased our bozo down and held him until the cops arrived…and then returned to work.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where bozo Reggie Barker snatched a woman’s purse, getting away with cash and a number of personal items. Among those items was the lady’s cell phone, which our bozo later used to take a picture of himself holding a large handgun pointed toward his head. He probably was just fooling around and didn’t realize the phone was set up to automatically send any pictures taken with it to the woman’s home computer. Oops. Police used the self-made mug shot to ID and arrest our bozo.
Today we have our first "naughty and nice" story of the holiday season. From Morrow, Georgia, comes the story of 45-year-old William Carpenter who dressed himself in an elf suit and got in line to see Santa Claus at the local mall. Perhaps wanting to make sure Santa took his Christmas wish list seriously, he told the jolly old man that he was carrying dynamite in his bag. Fortunately, Santa now carries a cell phone, which he used to call the cops. No dynamite was found. Our elf is under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report which proves that being a bozo does not prevent you from having discriminating taste. From Troutdale, Oregon, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked up to the pharmacy of an Albertson’s store, threatened the pharmacist with a gun and demanded 80mg tablets of Oxycontin. The pharmacist handed over $1100 worth of the generic version of the drug, oxycodone. Our bozo took one look at the generic and handed it back, saying he only wanted the real thing. Obviously deciding that the store did not come up to his standards, he walked out empty handed.
Bozo criminal for today forgot a basic non-Bozo rule: Size does matter. From New York City, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who came up to a woman at a stop light, flashed a knife, and demanded that she get out of her car. When she got out, our would-be carjacker took one look inside her compact Volkswagen and thought better of his crime. Deciding there was no way his six-foot plus frame would fit in the small car, he simply turned and ran away. Police are investigating.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Richards for sending in today’s report. From Knoxville, Tennessee, comes the story of bozo Vincent Sims who stole several shoes from the local "Shoe Show" store. And it was his footwear, or lack of it, that got him arrested. Store employees noticed our bozo wandering around the parking lot, barefoot, carrying the shoes in his hands and in his pockets. It seems our bozo didn’t realize that the store’s display shoes are all right-footed ones, with the left ones kept in the back of the store. Shoes, shoes everywhere and none to wear! He’s busted.