Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

August 28, 2009

While all of us at the Bozo Criminal Report respect the right to breathe clean, fresh air, our bozo for today took things a little too far. From Niceville, Florida, comes the story of bozo Margaret Waldon who became incensed when one of her neighbors lit up a cigarette in front of her apartment. She came outside wielding a can of Glade Potpourri Air Freshener which she began spraying in the direction of the smoker. When she continued spraying for more than a minute, and refused to stop, the other woman called the cops. It appears air freshener does qualify as a weapon. Our bozo has been arrested and charged with battery.

August 27, 2009

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Paarp, Sweden, where our bozo should perhaps consider a career as a critic. He broke into an office, surfed a little porn on the office computers and then left, apparently without taking anything. He did, however, leave a message behind, criticizing the general tidiness of the place. His note said, "You need to clean up. Regards, Thief." Police are looking for our neatnik bozo.

August 26, 2009

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 030987: When wearing a monkey suit, be prepared to explain yourself. From The International File in Perth, Australia, comes the story of bozo Brenton Graham who dressed himself in a monkey costume and headed down to the local mall, where he posed for photos and danced for the crowd. When a police officer approached and asked his name, he simply shook his head and made monkey noises. When asked his name a second time, he simply replied, "Monkey." Obviously, the police officer failed to see the humor in our bozo’s stunt, as he placed Cheetah under arrest and charged him with failure to comply with a police request.

August 25, 2009

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Carmel, Tennessee, where bozo Scott Greer was clocked by a police camera going 66 MPH in a 55 MPH zone. He was automatically mailed a $75 dollar speeding ticket. It was what he did after receiving the ticket that earned him a spot in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He returned the ticket with a note saying he wasn’t subject to local speeding laws since he was the Deputy Chief of the CIA. He’s not. He’s been arrested and charged with criminal impersonation of a federal official.

August 24, 2009

Bozo Criminal for today comes from DeQueen, Arkansas, where bozo Richard Fowler was pulled over by the cops for driving a car with no license plates. They loaded him into a squad car and took him to jail…and that’s when his problems really began. When the officer returned to the car after dropping off our bozo, he noticed a baggie in the back seat. A baggie filled with a leafy substance. Yep, our bozo had dropped his pot in the back seat of the police car when he got out. Drug possession charges have been added to his list of problems.

August 24, 2009

Bozo Criminal for today comes from DeQueen, Arkansas, where bozo Richard Fowler was pulled over by the cops for driving a car with no license plates. They loaded him into a squad car and took him to jail…and that’s when his problems really began. When the officer returned to the car after dropping off our bozo, he noticed a baggie in the back seat. A baggie filled with a leafy substance. Yep, our bozo had dropped his pot in the back seat of the police car when he got out. Drug possession charges have been added to his list of problems.

August 21, 2009

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 775558: Just because Johnny Cash sings about it don’t make it a good idea. From the International File in Chongqing, China, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who worked in a motorcycle factory. He always admired the beautiful bikes they built but could never seem to be able to afford one for himself. So, perhaps inspired by the old Johnny Cash song, he started stealing parts from the factory, taking one part home every day for over five years and building one for himself. Finally, the bike was complete, a real beauty. He just couldn’t wait to take it out for a spin. Almost immediately, he was pulled over by the cops who asked to see his license and registration. Of course, he had neither. He’s under arrest. And the motorcycle? It’s been returned to the factory.

August 20, 2009

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where bozo Thomas Higgins crashed his car. Investigating officers noticed our bozo had slurred speech, red, watery eyes and appeared to be intoxicated. After he failed a field sobriety test, our bozo was arrested and charged with DWI. This story wouldn’t merit inclusion in the Bozo Report except for one thing: Our bozo’s occupation. He’s the owner of a driving school.

August 19, 2009

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Barcelona, Spain comes the story of a bozo smuggler who tried to sneak cocaine through security at the airport. Perhaps greed got the best of him, as he wasn’t content to try to sneak a small amount past the guards. Instead, he tried to get through with almost 15 pounds of the stuff concealed on his body. Well, not exactly concealed. He stuffed the dope into his pants and tried to waddle through. Didn’t make it. It was the huge backside on a small man that first attracted attention. That and the fact that he was walking very strangely. He’s busted.

August 18, 2009

Our bozo for today is the first ever recorded case of a crook being captured by his own seat belt. From Eastpointe, Michigan, comes the story of bozo Lawrence Nations who snatched a woman’s purse and fled in his car. A nearby cop saw what was going on and gave chase. Seeing the officer on his tail, our bozo attempted to bail out of the moving vehicle, but became entangled in his seat belt when he tried to jump out. The car continued on for several hundred more feet, dragging our hopelessly caught up bozo along. He was arrested after being treated for a broken leg and various scrapes.

August 17, 2009

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 15679: Always check out the neighborhood before doing the crime. From Independence, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Robert Fuller who broke into a couple of homes, getting away with several items. As he was making his getaway, one of the neighbors noticed him walking across a field carrying his loot. She immediately headed outside to see if he was lost or, since he was carrying a gun, was perhaps hunting illegally. When he took off running, she gave chase and called the cops, who were able to capture him based on her description. And why was she so concerned about a possible burglar in the neighborhood? She’s a nun, and the sisters don’t approve of such activity, certainly not next door to the convent.

August 14, 2009

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tara Palmer for sending in today’s report. From Janesville, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Alonzo Rhoades who burst into a bar with his hand in his pocket, claiming he had a gun. He was immediately taken to the ground by several burly bar patrons. It seems our bozo had not done his homework. The city of Janesville was the site of a statewide police union golf tournament that week and the bar was full of off duty cops. He’s under arrest.

August 13, 2009

Today we have a rather unusual violation of Bozo Rule Number 4678: It’s a good idea to keep a low profile if you’re a wanted man. From Boutte, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Terron Issacs who was arrested by the cops and charged with possession of marijuana and cruelty to animals. It was his rather unusual way of drawing attention to himself that earned his entry into the Bozo Hall of Fame. Police officers noticed our bozo as he rode his bicycle through town with a three foot long alligator riding on his shoulders. He offered no explanation as to why he took the gator for a ride.

August 12, 2009

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 98098: It’s best to wait until you return home to play with the stuff you stole. From Salem, Oregon, comes the story of bozo William Roberts who broke into a residence, rummaged around for awhile and grabbed several items before being confronted by the homeowner’s boyfriend. The cops were called and found our bozo in the garage of the home. It was what he was wearing that gave him away. While in the house, he had stripped off his clothes and changed into the frilly underwear that he had found in the woman’s bedroom. He was allowed to change into something more appropriate before being taken to jail.

August 11, 2009

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Paw Paw, Michigan comes the story of bozo Robert Wilson who made a number of mistakes. First, he got into his car after having too much to drink. Second, he drove far enough while intoxicated that he felt the need to stop and rest. Third, he picked the wrong place to stop for said rest. In the front lawn of the police station. He told the cops he was aiming for the parking lot and overshot it. He’s under arrest.

August 10, 2009

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Festus, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Robert Griffin who forced his way into a residence and immediately upon entering announced that he was going to beat up the folks inside. This in itself is somewhat unusual but it was what he did next that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He then gave his name, and even spelled it out so there would be no doubt as to who he was. While he was busy identifying himself, one of the residents punched him and shoved him through a glass door. Thinking better of things, our bozo fled. Police had no problem tracking him down. They simply checked area hospitals to see if anyone with our bozo’s name had been admitted with numerous lacerations caused by a glass door. He’s under arrest.

August 7, 2009

Bozo criminal for today forgot Bozo Rule Number 88765: The old saying, "If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again" doesn’t apply in the bozo world. From Upper Township, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo John Moore who had just been released after serving nearly six years in prison for robbing a bank. He wasted no time in returning to the scene of the crime, where he once again tried to rob the place. Yep, he tried to rob the bank a second time. Same result. He’s under arrest.

August 6, 2009

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Mobile, Alabama, where an unidentified bozo walked into a convenience store with two t-shirts wrapped around his head and pointed a gun at the clerk. He then demanded cash but the bewildered clerk just stood there, without responding to his demands. He told her to hand over the cash a second time and again she just looked at him and shook her head. After trying a third time and getting the same response, our bozo finally gave up and walked out. Before we declare the clerk a hero, you should know one thing. She speaks almost no English and didn’t understand a word our bozo was saying to her.

August 5, 2009

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Swansea, Wales, where bozos Keith Caldwell and Paul West broke into a liquor store. They ignored the cash in the register and immediately went to work cleaning out the place, stacking over $1000 worth of liquor at the front door. As you might imagine, this was hard work, and before too long one of our bozos declared it Happy Hour. They took a break and began sampling some of the store’s stock. The sampling continued on into the night until both of our bozos passed out, right there inside the store. Oops. Police found them still sleeping soundly the next morning.

August 3, 2009

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Greensburg, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo David Morgan who seemed like a really nice guy, for a bank robber. He handed the teller a note that asked her to "please" hand over the cash. The note also included a smiley face and told the teller to "have a nice day." Unfortunately, our polite bozo forgot Bozo Rule Number 745309: Count your money after you get home. Police arrested our bozo after getting a report of a man matching the thief’s description walking down the street counting a large amount of money.