Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Seville, Spain, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who thought he had the perfect alibi. He was being questioned by the police about the robbery of a taxi driver. Our bozo responded that he could not have committed the crime since he was "out picking pockets" that night. Oops. He’s looking at ten years in jail for theft.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 8787 which clearly states that you should always obtain a getaway vehicle that will go faster than five miles per hour. From Gastonia, North Carolina, comes the story of bozo John Wilbanks who drove up to a gas station, filled up, and left without paying. The attendant was on the lookout for gas thieves and called the cops who arrived and busted our bozo before he got more than 100 yards down the road. Did we mention our bozo was driving a stolen vehicle? A riding lawn mower. He’s been charged with theft.
From Las Cruces, New Mexico, comes the story of bozo Gregory Randall who broke into the local library through a window. For unknown reasons, our bozo was not able to get out of the library the same way he came in, so he instead tried the front door. Unfortunately for our bozo, it was only after he had walked through the first set of doors and they had locked behind them that he noticed the front door leading outside was locked. Now, finding himself trapped like a rat in the entryway of the library, our bozo did the only thing he knew to do. He called 911 for help. The police were nice enough to come by and free him before locking him up.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon, where bozo former police officer Edward Lucas has been accused of covering his face in makeup, putting on a phony mustache and sunglasses, and placing a fake explosive device in the bathroom of a bank. He then demanded money from a teller, escaping with a small amount of cash. But it was after he was captured that he assured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. The former police officer told investigators that he never intended to rob the bank. He just wanted to get the feel of what it was like to be a bank robber for a police training video that he planned to produce.
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today wasn’t aware of Bozo Rule #3254: Duct tape isn’t good for every job. From Albuquerque, New Mexico, comes the story of bozo Larry Simpson who held up a dry cleaning establishment and then made what he thought was a "clean" getaway. Only problem, he had placed a single piece of duct tape over his license plate and he probably should have used two or three. The tape wasn’t wide enough to cover the numbers, with the tops and bottoms still being visible. The clerk was able to decipher the plate and the cops tracked down our bozo less than two hours later.
Bozo criminals for today come from Alexandria, Louisiana, where bozos Charles Hampton and Debbie Alberts got into an argument over whether a friend should be allowed to stay at their house overnight. The argument escalated until bozo Debbie finally resorted to using the most unusual bozo weapon ever. She picked up a barbeque pit and hit bozo Charles over the head with it. Charles was able to shake it off and retaliated by hitting Debbie over the head with the same barbeque pit. She then took the pit and threw it through the back window of the prospective guest’s car. It was then that the cops were called. Both bozos are now under arrest, which is the pits.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Elko, Nevada, where bozo Charles Harrigan called the local Pizza Hut and tried to extort $500 out of them, telling the manager he had five Pizza Hut signs that are used on the roofs of delivery cars and wouldn’t return them unless he got the cash. The manager wanted proof he actually had the signs, so he asked for a photo. Our bozo snapped a shot with his cell phone camera and sent it over. Sure enough, in the picture were the five Pizza Hut signs. Also in the background of the picture was our bozo’s vehicle, complete with a clear shot of his license plate. Busted! No word on whether they arrested him in 30 minutes or less.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Stoystown, Pennsylvania, where bozo Robert Stafford was pulled over by the cops after he was seen driving with a broken taillight. As the officer approached, our bozo jumped out of the car and fled into the nearby woods. It was then he hatched his bozo plan. He went home, shaved off his mustache, changed his clothes and called the cops to report his car had been stolen. As luck would have it, the same officer was sent to his house to investigate the reported theft. Guess his new look wasn’t that different after all. The officer recognized him and charged him with drunken driving, escape and related charges.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers Beach, Florida, where bozo Christopher Clark broke into a restaurant, setting off the burglar alarm. He didn’t let a little thing like an alarm deter him and went about his business looking for a bottle of booze to take home. When the security company called to check on the alarm, he answered the phone and gave the operator his real name but left with a bottle of Gran Marnier before the police arrived. Things might have worked out OK for him except for one little thing. For reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he returned to the same restaurant the very next morning. An employee recognized him from the security tape and called the cops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs department. From Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo part-time police officer Steven Cooper. One evening, while officially off duty, our bozo pulled over a young woman, and not because she had violated any laws. When he walked up to her, rather than ask for her license and proof of insurance, he instead asked for her name and phone number. Yep, he wanted to ask her out on a date. He’s been sentenced to 30 days in jail.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Georgetown, Texas, comes the story of bozo Augustine Ramos who was near completing a 12 year sentence for false imprisonment when he went to see his parole officer for a regularly scheduled meeting. At this time, his parole officer told our bozo that new kidnapping charges had been filed against him, and that they were going to place him under arrest. As they were taking him to jail, officers preparing to impound his car found over 10 grams of cocaine, marijuana and a set of lock picks inside the vehicle. Oops. He won’t be needing the car for a while. The judge added 50 more years to his sentence.
Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California, where Deborah Harper was behind on her car payments, so she came up with a bozo scheme to get out of paying them. She took her 1999 GMC Yukon to a friend’s residence and stashed it in her backyard. She then called the cops to report it as stolen and file a claim with her insurance company. Guess she’d never heard of the Lojack system that was installed on her car. This electronic device, when activated by the cops, allows them to pinpoint the vehicle’s location. And that’s just what they did. When they found the car, her friend told the cops our bozo had asked her to store the car at her place for awhile. Oops. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Arlington, Minnesota, where police officers were called to the local rec center to investigate a vending machine that had been broken into. The cops found a chair had been thrown through the glass front of the machine and most of the candy and chips had been taken. The officers then followed a trail of snack debris and Cheeto crumbs from the rec center, around the building and directly to a nearby home, where they found our three teenaged bozos enjoying their Cheetos. Guess you could say they were caught orange handed.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Nashua, New Hampshire. Bozo Christopher Dubois violated Bozo Rule Number 67656: Know when to leave well enough alone. The cops were called to our bozo’s house on a minor disturbance call. They would probably have let him off with just a warning but he became belligerent and was taken to jail on charges of resisting arrest. He would probably have been released after cooling his heels for a while, but he just couldn’t resist tampering with the jail cell’s sprinkler system, which he set off. That offense carries a maximum sentence of seven years in jail. Oops.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Charleston, West Virginia, where bozo Paul Payton walked into the local video store, showed the clerk his weapon and demanded he empty the register. The clerk simply looked at the weapon and laughed. Our bozo had placed an empty Jell-o Cheesecake box on the counter, claiming it was a bomb. Which might have worked except that the box was open, obviously empty, and had no wires or anything attached. His next Jell-o will come from the jail cafeteria.
Today we have a seldom seen Double Bozo story for you. From Salinas, California, comes the story of bozo Edward Barber who stole a Chevy Silverado pickup the other night. He had stopped at a convenience store to get a snack when bozo Duane Taylor hopped in, flashed a gun, and demanded that he start driving. They didn’t get very far befoe the gas drinking truck ran out of fuel. Our bozo carjacker then demanded that our bozo car thief get out and push. He jumped out and ran off, calling the cops to report a carjacked stolen truck. Police arrested them both.
Bozo criminals for today come from Belle, Missouri. Our gainfully employed bozos worked for the local satellite TV company and one afternoon were sent on a service call to the police chief’s residence. Don’t know if it was because they were nervous about doing an installation at the chief’s house, but they decided to take a little relaxation break before arriving. Probably shouldn’t have done that. The chief immediately recognized the smell of marijuana on our bozos and, while they were working, told one of his deputies to be on the lookout for them when they left. The deputy pulled over Cheech and Chong just two blocks away and found them in possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from Williamsburg, Kentucky, where once again the high cost of scrap metal has led to a bozo’s downfall. Four unidentified bozos somehow managed to detach a 20-foot section of railroad track. They then tried to load it onto their truck, but after finding that was easier said than done, they hooked a chain to it and drove off, dragging the big piece of track behind them. Police officers called to the scene simply had to follow the gouge marks in the road to our bozos’ final destination, the local scrap buyer. They’re under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Richmond, Kentucky. Bozo Kimberly Cook visited the local JC Penney store and shoplifted a purse. As she headed for the door a security guard who had seen what she had done stopped her. She dropped the purse, took a swing at the guard and fled. Guess she must have really liked that purse, as she had already put her wallet with her ID and all her personal information into it. That was her first mistake. Her second mistake was when she called the store to see if anyone had turned in her lost wallet. They told her it had been given to the police. She was arrested when she went to the station house to claim it.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Dillon, South Carolina, where bozo Gibson Carver broke into the County Landfill, with the intention of stealing scrap copper. For reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he assumed the copper was underneath a large dumpster filled with trash. So, he slithered underneath it to take a look. Don’t know if he found anything, but he did succeed in getting himself stuck, with his head and upper torso underneath the smelly dumpster and only his feet sticking out. Emergency workers had to inflate air bags so they could lift the dumpster enough to free and arrest our bozo.