Bozo criminal for today perhaps should have taken the bus. From Roseberg, Oregon, comes the story of bozo car thief Ernesto Pool, who had a bad day. First, he stole a pickup from the Chevrolet lot, only going a short distance before a tire blew. He jumped out of the truck and into a Subaru he found parked in a nearby driveway. He had that car for about 15 minutes before the engine overheated, causing it to catch fire. A passerby rushed over with a fire extinguisher, leaving his own car unattended. Our bozo jumped into this car and sped away, not getting very far before he ran over some spike strips placed in his path by the cops. This caused him to skid off the road where the cops found him and placed him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida where bozo college student Joseph Burris was in a big hurry to turn in a term paper. He wheeled into the parking lot, dodged his way through several parked cars and almost ran over one person. He was then arrested. What we forgot to mention is that, instead of turning into the community college parking lot, he turned into the local police department parking lot. Those cars he almost hit were police cruisers. And the person he almost ran over was a police sergeant. He’s been charged with drunk driving. No word on what grade he got on his term paper.
Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where bozo Jose Lopez shoplifted a pendant and a large ring from a jewelry booth at Bryant Park. Our bozo must have really liked the items, because he was wearing both pieces when he stopped by the booth again the very next day. The clerk recognized the hot merchandise and alerted security who arrested our fashionable bozo as he made his way to a nearby restaurant.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Justin, Texas, where bozo Rusty Travis had just been set free on criminal trespass charges. It just so happened that he was walking by a police patrol car at the exact instant the officer used his keyless remote to unlock the doors. Noticing that the keys were in the ignition of the cruiser, he did what any fun loving bozo would do. He jumped in, right in front of the officer, and took off on a joy ride. Not the best idea. He’s back under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Roanoke, Virginia, where bozo Mitchell Warner broke into a uniform and linen business. He did a little damage while inside and left without taking much of anything of value. Unfortunately, he left something very valuable behind. He had used his drivers license to jimmy the lock open and somehow the license got stuck in the door jam. He left it behind when he left. The cops found it and used it to quickly find and arrest our bozo.
Bozo criminals for today come from Shirley, New York, where our bozos held up the local Dairy Barn just before lunchtime and escaped on foot. Officers quickly arrived and began looking for them. They soon spotted a pair that matched the description and one of them had something else that convinced the cops they had the right guys. He was walking down the street with cash sticking out of his pockets. Busted!
Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File in Warsaw, Poland. Our unidentified bozo was without a watch and the clock in his car wasn’t working, and he really needed to know the time. So, he did what seemed to be the logical thing. He stopped and asked a police officer what time it was. One big problem. He was obviously intoxicated and the officer immediately told him he was under arrest for drunk driving. Our bozo tried to speed off but unfortunately the first turn he made was directly into the police impound lot, where the automatic gate closed behind him, locking him inside. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Apple Valley, Minnesota, where bozo Edward Hall called the cops to report a burglary at his home, but was hesitant to tell them what, if anything, had been stolen. The investigating officer noticed that the bedroom had been ransacked and a locked closet had been broken into. He thought it was a little suspicious that our bozo kept insisting that he couldn’t tell if anything had been stolen from the closet. Then the officer noticed scraps of paper on the closet floor that contained names, dates and weights of drug transactions. Knowing that he was busted, our bozo confessed that what had been stolen, that he didn’t want to talk about, was his marijuana stash. But, he told the officer, he only sold to his friends. He’s been charged with drug dealing.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Russ Fox for sending in today’s report. From Miami, Florida comes the story of a couple of bozo gang bangers who were so confident of their toughness that they posted a video on You Tube bragging about their exploits, showing off their guns and challenging the cops to come after them, if they dared. They dared. Our bozos are under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Ossining, New York, where bozo Blake Land broke into a minimart at around 3:30 AM. A neighbor heard a crashing sound inside the store and called the cops, who arrived and caught our bozo in the act. He made a run for it and tried to hide between several nearby buildings. This might have been a good idea except that the nearby buildings were part of the famous Sing Sing Prison. Oops. A guard nabbed him and he was placed under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Savannah, Georgia comes the story of a bozo from the Junior Division. An unidentified 12-year-old approached a 10-year-old Girl Scout and asked to buy some cookies. She then snatched the scout’s zip top bag, containing $28 in cookie money, and rode away on her bicycle. Her getaway was something less than clean, however, as she had placed her real name and address on the cookie order form she filled out. She now faces juvenile charges of robbery. And that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
Bozo criminal for today gets bonus points for creativity of disguise, but loses points for stupidity, as usual. From York, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Robert Long who slathered drywall compound all over his face to disguise himself when he robbed the local credit union. He got away with over $7000 in cash but his failure to also put drywall compound on his front license plate did him in. Someone noticed the Rusty Wallace NASCAR plate on the front of the getaway car and tipped off the cops as to our bozo’s identity. Police found him at his residence, with smears of drywall compound still on his clothes.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Grand Rapids, Michigan, where bozo Paul Thompson pulled a bozo variation on the old story of shooting yourself in the foot. Our bozo went into a store and grabbed some knives. Store security spotted him and in his attempt to get away he slipped and fell, stabbing himself in the abdomen with one of the knives. Police took him to the hospital to get stitched up before taking him to jail.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in and helping us to "clean up" today’s report. From Raleigh, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Jose Corona who was drunk when he crashed his car into the front yard of a residence. He stepped out of the car and fled the scene. Unfortunately for him, the homeowner’s two big dogs, shall we say, "visit" the front yard often. And when our bozo stepped out, he stepped right into it. Police were able to follow the stinky trail directly to our bozo, where they found his shoes covered in "evidence." He’s been charged with drunk driving.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Pretoria, South Africa, where bozo John Rafferty walked into the police station and filed a complaint that a gang that had accosted him at gunpoint had stolen his cell phone. The detective took down all the pertinent information and, when our bozo had finished giving his statement, he decided to dial the phone number. The phone began ringing inside our bozo’s pocket. Oops. He’s been charged with making a false statement.
Bozo criminals for today from New York City must be big fans of the movie "Weekend at Bernie’s." When our two bozos discovered that a neighbor of theirs had died alone in his apartment, they hatched the Bozo Scheme of the Month. They placed the dead body into an office chair and wheeled it down the sidewalk, with both of them trying to keep the corpse propped up so it wouldn’t flop from side to side. When they arrived at a check-cashing store, they left the body outside and told the clerk inside they wanted to cash his $355 Social Security check. The clerk, who knew the deceased, asked them where the man was and told them they would have to bring him inside to cash the check. While this was going on, a crowd had gathered around the obviously dead body sitting in an office chair on the sidewalk. And in that group, a police detective who was having lunch next door. They’re under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wigan, England, where bozo Stephan Wall was scheduled to appear in court and, as he was passing through security, pulled a lump of cannabis resin out of his pocket. He told the guard what it was and asked him what he should do with it. The guard told him that, since it was an illegal substance, he would have to leave it outside the court. And, to make it easier to identify later, the guard asked our bozo to please sign a receipt confirming the cannabis was his, which he gladly did. He’s busted.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bexhill, England, where bozo Amber McIntyre paid a visit to her hotel’s breakfast bar before heading over to a nearby florist shop. Once there, she stole some cash from the store’s till and grabbed some flowers before heading back to her room at the hotel. Police had no problem tracking her down. Remember that visit she made to the breakfast bar? Apparently, she filled her pockets with corn flakes, which gradually fell out, leaving the officers a nice corn flake trail from the florist back to the hotel. She’s been charged with theft.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Wenatchee, Washington, comes the story of bozo James Hampton who crashed his car into a light pole. When investigating officers arrived on the scene, our bozo knew he’d had a little too much to drink so he came up with our Bozo Excuse of the Month to explain the accident. He told the officers he was trying to dodge a pterodactyl when he wrecked his car. Probably not the best excuse. Pterodactyls became extinct more than 65 million years ago. He’s been charged with reckless driving.
Bozo criminal for today perhaps should have joined the rest of us in making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. From the International File in Xi’an, China, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who tried to break into a home by crawling through a window. We say tried, because he didn’t make it all the way inside before becoming stuck. The head and shoulders made it but the belly wouldn’t. When the homeowner arrived and found him in such a precarious situation, he called the cops who unstuck and arrested our bozo.