Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

November 29, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Aiken, South Carolina, where bozo Alexander Shafer walked into a bank and asked to open an account. The teller said she’d be glad to…and how much would he like to deposit? That’s when our bozo slid a bill across to her. A very large bill. A $1,000,000 bill. Of course, there’s never been a $1,000,000 bill. But our bozo wasn’t going to take no for an answer and be began cursing and shouting at the teller, demanding that she deposit the bill. While he was having his hissy fit, the cops were called and our bozo was arrested for forgery.

November 28, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from South Salt Lake City, Utah, where bozo Morgan Slattery was drinking at the local bar when he noticed one of the pool players had left his car keys lying on a table while he played. The temptation was just too great. He grabbed the keys and left the bar, driving off in the vehicle. Unfortunately for him, the whole thing was caught on the bar’s surveillance camera. Still, he might have gotten away with it except for one little thing. He left behind his pool cue and debit card. And when he came back to retrieve those items, he ran into the cops who were on the scene investigating. He’s under arrest. And he’s still on the hook for his $40 bar tab.

November 27, 2007

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Natick, Massachusetts, comes the story of a team of bozos who were shoplifting items at the local mall. One bozo would steal the stuff and then hand it off to one of three female accomplices how would then stash the loot in their car in the parking lot. Things began to fall apart when the thief was arrested inside the mall. And the girls were having problems of their own, too. It was a busy holiday weekend, the mall parking lot was packed and somehow or other they forgot where they had parked. So, they did the proper bozo thing…they asked a police officer to help them find their car. Bad idea. He recognized one of them as an accomplice and placed all three under arrest.

November 26, 2007

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in West Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, where three bozos were pulled over after a patrolman noticed them make an illegal turn. Things started to go from bad to worse when the officer noticed the smell of marijuana wafting from inside the vehicle. It was when he asked the driver to step outside that the other two bozos sprang into action. Trying to come up with a way to get out of the jam they were in, one of them dialed 911 and reported a robbery in progress at a nearby bank, hoping to distract the officer. Didn’t work. He continued with his search and found more than 11 kilos of marijuana inside the car. And when the trace on the 911 call came back, charges of misuse of 911 were added to our bozos’ rap sheets.

November 23, 2007

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today proves that Bozos never take a holiday. From Greenville, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Paul Albert who broke into a residence on Thanksgiving evening and stole the Thanksgiving meal, which the owner had left sitting out while he went to visit a friend. Neighbors noticed our bozo leaving the house carrying a cardboard box atop which he was balancing a party platter featuring assorted holiday munchies. The police arrived and spotted a trail of food in the street, including carrot and celery sticks and deviled eggs. The cops followed the trail of food to our bozo’s home where he was arrested but not before he had eaten much of the Thanksgiving feast.

November 22, 2007

(Best of Bozo) As we all gather for the Thanksgiving Holiday, it’s only appropriate that our bozo for today comes from the Domestic Dispute Division. From Carrollton, Texas comes the story of an unidentified couple, a 92 year-old woman and her 86 year-old husband. It seems the two lovebirds got into a verbal altercation in which the 92 year-old woman swatted the 86 year-old man with a rolled up newspaper (well, it does always work with the dog). The dispute became more and more heated and police had to be called to calm the two parties down. The cops arrived and discovered the fight was over laundry. The woman was upset because, as she said, she couldn’t remember how many times she’d told him not to put her red socks in with his white T-shirts. For his part, the man, who is hard of hearing, said he’d rather go to jail than put up with any more of her complaining. Cooler heads prevailed and no charges were filed. Maybe they can just have their laundry sent out…

November 21, 2007

Bozo criminals for today come from Scarborough, Ontario, Canada, where three teenage boys made big plans to rob an electronics store. They put on ski masks to conceal their identity, armed themselves with a hunting knife, and had their getaway car waiting outside. Sounds like the perfect plan for a stick-up, except for one thing. As they entered the store, they failed to notice the two uniformed police officers, standing directly outside the store, directing traffic. A customer alerted the cops as to what was going on and our bozos were quickly placed under arrest.

November 20, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vancouver, Washington, where bozo Nicholas Larson filled out an application to rent a room at the Guest House Motel, giving the clerk his driver’s license and other personal information. After checking in, he came back to the front desk and told the same clerk that had taken all his personal information that this was a robbery and he wanted cash. She refused to give him any and called the cops. He’s busted!

November 19, 2007

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Mt. Ommaney, Australia, where our crooks broke into the offices of Fleetlink GPS and stole more than $13,000 worth of equipment including several in-car navigation systems. It took five days, but finally curiosity got the best of one of our bozos and he plugged one of the devices in. Bad idea. This immediately alerted the company as to the exact whereabouts of the device and also of our bozos, who are now under arrest.

November 16, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where bozo Mohammed Akbar needed change for a $100 bill. It was 4:30 in the morning and the only place open was a 24-hour drive-thru burger joint, so our bozo drove through and asked if they could break the big bill. Which might have been an OK idea except for the assault rifle that the clerk saw laying in his lap. When our bozo noticed the clerk had seen the gun, he tried to claim he was a cop. Which again might have been an OK idea except for the fact he was slurring his words and was obviously intoxicated. And right after stating he was an officer of the law, our bozo fell asleep. Right there in the drive-thru. The clerk called the cops who awakened and arrested our bozo.

November 15, 2007

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 34098: The county jail probably isn’t the best place to attempt a heist. From Portage, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Aaron Mays who pulled his car up to a restricted area behind the jail. He got out and was attempting to load a large wooden pallet onto his truck when he was approached by officers. They didn’t buy his excuse that he worked for a pallet company and was picking it up for them. He’s been charged with attempted robbery and drug possession.

November 14, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hebron, Connecticut, where bozo Brian Powell ran out of beer before his party ran out. So, he did what any bozo would do. He dialed 911 and told them it was an emergency; he needed them to bring him some beer. The dispatcher politely informed him that 911 was not running a beer delivery service and hung up. Not one to give up easily, our bozo called several more times, each time becoming more insistent in demanding that they deliver his beer. Finally, officers were dispatched to deliver him something, but it wasn’t beer. He’s under arrest.

November 13, 2007

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bill Richards for sending in today’s report. From Danbury, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Scott Smalley who walked into the police station, a non-smoking facility, puffing on a cigar. That’s mistake number one. He then leaned up to the thick glass partition separating the front desk officer from the public and blew smoke through the small opening in the glass and into the officer’s face. That’s mistake number two. He then ground the cigar out on the floor in front of the window. That’s mistake number three. His fourth and final mistake was his choice of smoking material. He had stuffed a large amount of marijuana inside the cigar and officers quickly recognized the aroma. Busted!

November 12, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfield, Connecticut, where an unidentified bozo entered a Dunkin Donuts, claiming to be armed with a gun and a bomb. He gave the clerk a note announcing that this was a robbery and then proceeded to grab what he thought was the cash register. So far so good, right? Wrong. What he grabbed was the store’s adding machine, which has no money drawer. Oops.

November 9, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Carlisle, England, where Bozo John Beckham broke into what he thought was an empty house and began rummaging around. As he made his way to the bedroom, he found the lady of the house enjoying an afternoon cup of tea. He quickly fled from the house with a few things he had picked up, but in the commotion he left something of his own behind. A bottle of prescription medication in his name. Oops. He’s under arrest.

November 8, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Halifax, England where bozo Benjamin Wilcox stole a vehicle. And to throw the cops off his trail, he stole some license plates from another car and placed them on the hot one. Unfortunately, he forgot that English cars use different plates on the front and rear, with the one with yellow lettering going on the back and the one with the white lettering going on the front. And of course he put them on backwards, which attracted the attention of the police who figured out what was going on and placed him under arrest.

November 7, 2007

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donna Patillo for sending in today’s report. From McAllen, Texas comes the story of bozo Jose Lopez who told the police that two masked gunmen kicked down the door of his house and ransacked the place. He went on to tell them that the thieves stole 150 pounds of marijuana that he was wrapping for sale. And when the officers noticed more marijuana lying on the floor, he admitted that it was his. And he also admitted he was an illegal alien from Mexico. Not surprisingly, he’s under arrest.

November 6, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe, Ohio where bozo Richard Waymire made several mistakes. First, he picked an easily identifiable city vehicle as the one he wanted to steal. Second, he didn’t check the emergency brake before taking off. His third and final mistake was not noticing the flames coming from the rear tire which caught on fire because of the still engaged brake. The cops did notice the flames and they pulled over and arrested our bozo.

November 5, 2007

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Daytona Beach, Florida comes the story of bozo Scott Rogers who wanted to take advantage of an offer a bank was having, where they would give you $50 for opening a savings account. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the required ID to open the account so he was denied. He then did what any bozo would do…since they wouldn’t give him $50, he wrote out a hold up note demanding they give him all the money in the bank. After the teller told him this wasn’t going to happen either, he left the bank and stood around outside a nearby gas station. He was spotted by the cops and placed under arrest.

November 2, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia where Bozo Aw Cheng was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of drunken driving. When the officer asked our bozo to take a breath test, he offered the cop a bribe to let him go. Bad idea. The cop charged him with bribery. And it turned out to be an even worse idea after he was administered the breathalyzer test and he passed.