Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

August 31, 2007

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where bozo Mark Alexander was accused of stealing a bright red Mercedes Benz. After being charged, our bozo came before the judge with a rather unique idea for making his $5,000 bail. Could he use the stolen car as collateral? Nope. He was sent back to his cell.

August 30, 2007

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from West Haven, Connecticut where bozo Kenneth James walked into a convenience store and offered the clerk a dollar bill for a pack of gum. When the clerk opened the drawer, our bozo grabbed about $40 in cash and fled. After a while, our bozo began to feel some remorse and walked back into the store and said to the clerk, "Did I pay for the gum?" Unfortunately for our bozo, he returned at about the same time that the cops arrived to investigate the robbery. He was quickly arrested.

August 29, 2007

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7887: It’s usually a good idea to eat before you commit a crime. From El Cerrito, California comes the story of bozo Royce Richards who carjacked a vehicle, forcing the owner to drive to a bank to withdraw money from an ATM before kicking him out of the car. The owner immediately called the cops and our bozo immediately headed out to get something to eat. The police were on the lookout for the vehicle and spotted it in the drive thru lane at the local Jack in the Box. Our bozo was so intent on getting his order that he didn’t even notice the police cruiser in line behind him. He was arrested before he could enjoy his burger.

August 28, 2007

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, New Jersey where bozo Ronnie Hamer was pulled over by the cops for speeding. As the officer was asking our bozo a few routine questions, the bozo became more and more nervous, finally reaching into the glove compartment for a smoke. As he pulled out the cigarette pack, what should fall from the pack and into plain view of the officer but a marijuana cigarette. The car was searched and $32,000 worth of drug money and several pounds of marijuana were found. Maybe next time our bozo should try using the patch.

August 27, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where bozo Joshua Moreno had been placed under a restraining order by his wife. Now bozo Joshua wanted this order lifted, so he did what any bozo would do … he went before the judge to make the request. Pretending to be his wife. In a dress, high heels, red lipstick, long black wig and speaking in a high-pitched falsetto voice. Maybe it was his five o’clock shadow that gave him away. The judge was not fooled and had our bozo arrested.

August 24, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marietta, Georgia where bozo Garrett Livingston robbed a bank and fled. He then immediately tried to blend in by walking across the street and joining a function that was going on at a church. That was his first mistake. His second was walking around with money falling out of his pants and t-shirt. And his third and fatal mistake was attending a church function that was also attended by two former New York cops who quickly figured out what was going on and held on to our bozo until backup arrived.

August 23, 2007

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from Smyrna, Tennessee. Bozo Matthew Robinson had been a very busy thief, stealing DVD players, Ipods, a couple of air compressors, a power washer, power tools, a scooter, leaf blower, fishing equipment, a Nintendo game and a bible from seven residences in the area. And he had all this loot in his pickup truck when he pulled into the Sonic Drive In parking lot and fell asleep. The manager thought something might be amiss and called the cops who came by and arrested our bozo.

August 22, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mainz, Germany where an unidentified bozo walked into a bank and demanded cash. The teller refused, perhaps because of the weapons our bozo used to threaten him with. A water pistol and a potato peeler. After a brief standoff, our bozo left empty handed. He was arrested by the cops five minutes later, as he wandered down a nearby street, still wearing his ski mask.

August 21, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wyalusing, Pennsylvania where an unidentified bozo tried to hold up the French fry stand at the annual carnival. Our bozo grabbed the cash drawer and was preparing to make his getaway when the French fry cook saw what was going on and hurled a large basket of fries in his direction. The combination of grease and hot fries caused our bozo to slip down. Bystanders were able to keep the slippery thief down until the police arrived.

August 20, 2007

Bozo criminals for today come from Two Rivers, Wisconsin where two teenage Bozos were trying to steal some gas from a riding lawn mower. It was dark and things weren’t going so well, so you can guess what they did. They lit a torch and held it close to the gas tank. Too close. After the explosion, our bozos were treated for burns and arrested.

August 17, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Laohekou, China where an unidentified woman and her dog had gone into the local bank to withdraw some money. Like all banks everywhere, it took a little longer than expected and her poor dog had an accident right there in the lobby. The woman politely asked for some paper to clean up the mess, which she did. While the teller was still working on getting her money, she stepped outside to dispose of the neatly wrapped package. And that was when our bozo thief roared up on his motorcycle, grabbing Fido’s present and vanishing into traffic. Police are not sure exactly what they’ll charge him with should they catch him.

August 16, 2007

Our bozo criminal for today apparently thought the concept of "Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back" had spread to the drug world. From Atlanta, Georgia comes the story of bozo Juanita Jackson who called the cops to report that she was unhappy with the crack cocaine she had purchased and wanted help in getting her money back. Always looking to serve, the cops showed up at her residence and she asked them to take a look at the dope. After determining that it was indeed cocaine, they placed her under arrest for possession.

August 15, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ashland, Kentucky where bozo Kasey Koonce believed that duct tape was good for just about anything, even as a mask for a burglary. He wrapped his head in duct tape, leaving a slit for his eyes and nose and walked into a liquor store, demanding money. Unfortunately, the duct tape didn’t turn out to be frightening to the clerk, who waved a bat that he had also wrapped in duct tape at our bozo, sending him scurrying into the parking lot where another employee held him down until the cops arrived. Maybe the duct tape did succeed in cutting off the oxygen to our bozo’s brain. Even though the cops took pictures of him before and after the tape was removed, at last report he’s insisting they’ve got the wrong man.

August 14, 2007

Bozo criminals for today come from Fairfield, Maine where a couple of teenage bozos tried to rob a tattoo parlor. Knowing the shop had a burglar alarm, they tried to disarm it by using a trick they had seen on an old episode of Charlie’s Angels. They sprayed hairspray into the room, hoping to reveal the path of the laser beam. Instead, the spray triggered the alarm. Oops. The cops quickly arrived and placed our wannabe angels under arrest.

August 13, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albany, New York where bozo Justin Alexander walked into a convenience store armed with a shotgun. After demanding cash, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he placed the shotgun on the counter. The quick thinking clerk grabbed it and turned it on our bozo, who quickly fled the store. Then, in another brilliant move, he came back into the store to try to get the gun back from the clerk. During the scuffle, it went off, not injuring anyone, and this time our bozo left for good. But not before a truck driver wrote down his license plate number. He’s now under arrest.

August 10, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hudson, Michigan where an unidentified bozo obviously forgot to go over his Bozo Check List before leaving the house. Our bozo put on a hooded sweat shirt, dark glasses and gloves and walked into a bank. He handed the teller a note demanding cash. So far so good. She then asked him if he had a bag to put the money into. Oops!!! Forgot! Our bozo was so flustered by his oversight that he fled empty handed.

August 9, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kent, England where bozo Terence Carter thought he had pulled off the perfect crime. He had just successfully gotten himself a bag of cash from the local bank and was about to make his getaway. In a final fit of bravado, he turned back to the teller, pointed his finger at her and said, "You had better not lock me in!" She didn’t, and he was able to run out of the building. Unfortunately, when he pointed his finger at her, he left one perfect fingerprint on the security glass. The cops were able to identify him by this print and he is now serving 9 1/2 years for bank robbery.

August 8, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from Culpeper, Virginia where the cops were called to a convenience store with a report of someone causing a disturbance. When they arrived, they found our bozo, intoxicated and raising a ruckus on horseback. And soon the chase was on, with cops in cruisers pursuing a drunken bozo on a horse. The chase didn’t last long as our bozo failed to see a utility pole guy wire, which knocked him off his horse and onto the ground, where he was promptly arrested.

August 7, 2007

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Palmyra, Missouri comes the story of bozo Jerry Baxter who had some drugs to sell, so he set up shop in the lobby of a local building. This in itself is a bad idea but it was made even worse by his choice of building to sell the illegal drugs in. He was hawking his wares in the lobby of the Marion County Jail. Needless to say, he’s been placed under arrest.

August 6, 2007

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Masterton, New Zealand. Bozo Darryl Clark got a hold of some stolen checks and decided to try to cash a few of them. He was successful, buying over $150 worth of liquor and pocketing $900 in cash before his little spending spree came to an end. The cops caught up with him because, even though he knew the checks were stolen, he still wrote his name, address and phone number on the back of every check. Busted!