Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

December 29, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from El Cerrito, California, where bozo David Hastings was standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, waiting to get his picture taken for his driver’s license. He struck up a conversation with the man in line behind him, telling him that he needed a ride since his car was in the shop. The Good Samaritan offered to give him a lift after they had their licenses processed. Once in the vehicle, our bozo shoved the man out and took off in his car. The cops had no trouble finding him, however. They just had the man look through the day’s license photos and pick him out.

December 28, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cary, North Carolina, where the manager of a bank noticed bozo John Simpson pacing back and forth in front of the bank, wearing a large fake nose, a bad blonde wig and large gold-rimmed clown glasses. Before he could get up his courage to come inside, a fire trick, with its siren blaring, passed by and scared our bozo away. The bank manager called the cops, who put out an all points bulletin to be on the lookout for a bozo matching his description. And, sure enough, a short time later, our bozo showed up at another bank, wearing the same getup. He was immediately arrested.

December 27, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California, where bozo Sam Oswald was pursued through the Hollywood area for several blocks by police who had noticed him driving erratically. Knowing he was caught and wanting to dispose of the evidence, our bozo slowed down, opened the car door and threw out a can of beer. Unfortunately, he was not wearing a seatbelt and, while throwing out the beer, threw himself out as well. After being treated for cuts and bruises, our bozo was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol.

December 26, 2006

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Rotterdam, Holland, where two bozos broke into a sports complex and were prowling around inside when they were surprised by the cops who had come to investigate the sound of the breaking glass. Bozo Number One saw the cops and made a break for it, dashing out the back door with a couple of policemen in hot pursuit. Bozo Number Two thought that the police would probably leave the premises since they had seen someone flee. Wanting to finish the job, he hid in a restroom to wait out the cops. While the police were checking out the place, they heard a cell phone go off in the restroom. Bozo Number One, who had outrun the cops, had decided to call Bozo Number Two to see how he was doing. Busted!

December 22, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Judy English for sending in today’s report. It seems the police in Jay, Oklahoma weren’t in a holiday mood when Dawn Sloan tried to give a Christmas card to her jailed boyfriend. It wasn’t the card that caused the problem, it’s what she had placed inside it. A package of marijuana. Busted! Merry Christmas!

December 21, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Buffalo, New York comes the story of a couple of bozos who were coming back into the United States after a trip to Canada. When the border guard asked them the reason for the their trip, they said they had been to Canada to buy 25 pounds of bird seed. Thinking this sounded a little suspicious, the guard decided to search the car. Inside he found the reason our bozos needed the seed. They were trying to smuggle several live finches back into the country. This is strictly prohibited, due to fears over bird flu and other diseases. Busted!

December 20, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada where bozo Charles Frank was having a bad day. When he tried to rob a convenience store, our bozo bashed the cash register with an aluminum baseball bat, jamming the till shut so the clerk couldn’t open it. While our bozo struggled with the register, the clerk slipped away and, with some help from bystanders, barred the front door. And since the back entrance was already locked, our bozo was trapped inside. He tried to escape by climbing to the roof, but the ceiling gave way and he crashed back to the floor, just in time to be greeted by the cops.

December 19, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lapel, Indiana, where bozo Cheyanne Darby started shoplifting and just couldn’t stop. She grabbed several pieces of candy and stuffed them into her pants. She then picked up a potato peeler, an ice cream scoop, some measuring spoons, two cake decorating tubes, six Rollo candy bars and a 15 ounce box of Nestle Quik. The store manager had seen what she was doing and tried to get her to stop but her pants did a pretty good job of that. As she tried to run, her overloaded drawers began to slip until they were finally down around her ankles. The police arrived, pulled up her pants and placed her under arrest.

December 18, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon where bozo Jason Klein was zipping through town at speeds exceeding 100 MPH. In spite of this, he failed to attract the attention of a single cop. He then rammed his car into a police cruiser, backed up and hit it again. This got the attention of the police and he was placed under arrest. Which brings up the question of why he rammed the cop car in the first place. He told officers he was mad because no one had given him a speeding ticket. He has several tickets now.

December 15, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Savannah, Georgia comes the story of bozo Jeffrey Flannery who pulled up to a gate at the Hunter Army Airfield and showed the guard a worn out drivers license. The guard thought something might be up and requested a second ID. That’s when our bozo whipped out a county sheriff’s badge. The guard called the cops and found that our bozo’s license was expired and his sheriff’s badge was a fake. But what truly makes our bozo a bozo is the reason he gave for wanting to get into the military post. He just wanted to bowl a few frames on their bowling alley.

December 14, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of a couple of bozos who planned on using a rather unique method of making their getaway. Not successful, just unique. Prior to attempting to hold up the local credit union, our bozos prepared by purchasing masks, gloves and innertubes. Yep, innertubes. They planned to rob the credit union and then float away to safety on the nearby river. Didn’t work. They’re under arrest.

December 13, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chesterfield Township, Michigan where bozo Calvin Forester had a counterfeit check that he wanted to try to pass. So, he headed down to his local Wal Mart, which ordinarily might have been a pretty good place to start. Not today. Guess he didn’t notice the parking lot was filled with over 40 marked police cars and inside were dozens of officers in uniform who were there to help needy children pick out Christmas gifts as part of a "Shop With a Cop" charity event. Not letting a little thing like that stop him, our bozo tried to pay for his merchandise with his photocopied check. The manager was called over and, seeing what was going on, summoned one of the cops who placed our bozo under arrest.

December 12, 2006

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #4678: It’s best to keep a low profile if you’re a wanted man. From Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Calvin Bennet who was wanted on double homicide charges in Arkansas and had just been featured on America’s Most Wanted. Needless to say, this was probably not the best time for him to post his name, address and picture on an online dating site, along with the message that he "liked to cuddle." Less than 12 hours after the TV show aired, our bozo was under arrest.

December 11, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Neville Hiatt for sending in today’s report. From Melbourne, Florida comes the story of bozo Ryan Carter, who just had to have one of the new Sony Playstation 3 game consoles. And as you know, they’re almost impossible to find. Our bozo heard that a store in a strip mall had one of the games, so he came up with a bozo plan. After all the stores had closed, he went to the back of the strip center and broke a window that he thought would allow him inside the store that had the playstation. Unfortunately, he miscalculated and broke the window of the jewelry store next door, setting off the silent alarm and notifying the cops. He was still looking for the playstation when the police arrived.

December 8, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Cambridge, England comes the story of a bozo mugger who grabbed the night’s receipts from a local bowling alley as the manager was heading to her car. She screamed for help, attracting the attention of some of her co-workers who took off after our bozo in the parking lot. The chase continued until he ran up to what he thought was his waiting getaway car. He opened the door and jumped in. And that’s when he got the surprise of his life. He had climbed into an unmarked police car which was patrolling the area. They placed him under arrest and drove him to jail.

December 7, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Lee, New Jersey where bozo Nathaniel Jackson and his girlfriend were putting 17 pounds of marijuana into smaller bags to sell on the streets of Brooklyn. They must have been so busy stuffing pot into the bags that they forgot to pay their motel bill. The manager sent a police officer by the room to see why they hadn’t paid or checked out. When he knocked on the door, our bozo immediately opened it, thinking it was a friend who was going to give him a ride to Brooklyn. It wasn’t. The officer saw the pot spread out all over the room and placed our bozo and his girlfriend under arrest.

December 6, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Fort Myers, Florida where bozo Anthony Andrews decided to break into the local post office. Armed with a sledge hammer, he broke through the drywall into the office area. After prowling around for a while, he decided to leave, but for some reason couldn’t go out the same hole he came in through. And he must have tired himself out so much that he couldn’t sledgehammer his way through another hole. So, he called 911 and asked the cops if they could come rescue him. They were glad to. He’s been charged with burglary and criminal mischief.

December 5, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from De Queen Arkansas, where bozo Morgan Caldwell tried to walk out of a music store with an item he had shoplifted and stuffed down his pants. He didn’t’ make it, though. It’s kind of hard to inconspicuously walk out the door with a guitar in your pants. Yep, that’s what he did…the neck down one leg and the back of the guitar almost up to his chin. Hope he didn’t ask anyone to tune it. He’s been charged with theft.

December 4, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bridgeport, Connecticut where bozo Perry Quarry was driving a stolen vehicle. When he tried to pay for gas with a stolen credit card, the cops were called and our bozo took off on foot, abandoning the car. With the cops hot on his trail, our bozo climbed over a fence and then stopped to take a little break to smoke some crack cocaine. Before the police could catch up, he ran toward the docks where he hopped into a boat and then took himself another crack break. He shouldn’t have had that second one. He was still standing in the boat smoking crack when the cops arrested him.

December 1, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vereeniging, South Africa where bozo Robert Sibnidana needed a few days off from work. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any vacation days left so he formulated a bozo plan. He stole a medical leave certificate from a health center, filled his name out on the form and presented it to his boss, who immediately identified it as a forgery and called the cops. Our bozo has been fined $180 for forgery. And exactly how did his boss know the certificate was a fake? Our bozo had stolen a certificate from a gynecologist’s office that said he was pregnant and needed a week off.