Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

October 31, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coralville, Iowa where bozo Adrian Haynes worked at the local pizza place. We say worked, because recently he put together the restaurant’s deposits for the evening, placed them in a night deposit bag and dropped them off at the bank. Only one problem…he had been using the night deposit bag as the hiding place for his marijuana stash. And he deposited it along with the cash. Oops. He’s under arrest.

October 30, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Yantis, Texas where bozo Jesse Turner was burglarizing a home when the brother of the homeowner drove by and noticed the front door was open and an unfamiliar car was in the driveway. When he stopped, our bozo came to the door and pretended to be a friend of the family. Knowing that wasn’t true, the man acted like he thought our bozo was his sister’s new boyfriend and said he wanted to meet him, offering to shake his hand. When our bozo came over to him, he grabbed his hand, twisted it behind his back and held him down until a neighbor came over and helped out by giving him some rope to tie him up. He’s under arrest.

October 27, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Smithtown, New York comes the story of bozo Joseph Brady who led cops on a high speed chase in a stolen car after robbing two liquor stores. When our bozo crashed his car, he jumped out and ran to a nearby wooded area. Cops followed but thought they had lost him, until they heard a rustling in a nearby tree. The rustling was followed by a scream and then a thud. Yep, our bozo had attempted to climb a tree to hide from the cops. Tree climbing ain’t as easy when you’re grown up. He lost his grip and fell to the ground. He’s under arrest.

October 26, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York where bozo Patrick Conaway donned a ski mask and attempted to hold up a gas station. He made the mistake of not trying the mask on before pulling the heist, and in the middle of the crime he got so frustrated at not being able to see that he pulled the mask up to get a better view. Unfortunately, he also gave the clerk a better view. And even more unfortunately, the clerk recognized him as a former employee of the store. He’s under arrest.

October 25, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Forrest City, Arkansas where bozo Dennis Ross tried to break into an apartment. He should have laid off the Twinkies for a few weeks before the heist as he got stuck between the window frame and an air conditioning unit as he tried to squeeze inside. And one other thing…he was totally naked. The cops had to call the fire department rescue team to extricate our bozo. It was after he was freed that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the police that he was forced at gunpoint to break into the apartment by a man he only knew by his first name. Sure. He had no explanation for why he was naked.

October 24, 2006

Bozo criminals for today come from Corvallis, Oregon, where police were in the process of arresting some drug dealers at their apartment. It must have been quite a popular place, because, while the cops were there, someone walked up, knocked on the door and asked to buy some pot. Followed by another someone, and another, and another, and finally 12 bozos had busted themselves by coming up and trying to make a drug deal with the investigating officers. It got so bad that a marked cruiser with lights flashing had to be parked in front of the place to discourage other potential buyers, just so the cops inside could finish their work.

October 23, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Cincinnati, Ohio comes the story of bozo Danny McClain who went down to the local car dealer and asked to take an expensive model out for a spin. He must have really liked it as he never bothered to bring it back. Guess he must have forgotten that before the dealership would let him take the car for a drive, he had to let them make a copy of his drivers’ license. Police had no trouble tracking him down.

October 20, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Oslo, Norway, where an unidentified bozo got it all wrong. After having way too much to drink and desperately trying to find his way home, our bozo encountered a large fence. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he thought beyond it might be a shortcut home. He climbed the fence only to find himself surrounded by police officers who were shining their flashlights in his face. He had climbed into the yard of the district prison. Yep, he had broken into jail. He’s been charged with public intoxication.

October 19, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sydney, Australia. Bozo Janet Reynolds attempted to carjack a vehicle while it was stopped at an intersection. She pulled the female driver from the car and jumped in, but she went nowhere. She had failed to check to be sure it was an automatic transmission car before she got in. It wasn’t. And she had no idea how to drive a stick shift. She jumped out and attempted to flee but was grabbed by bystanders. She’s under arrest.

October 18, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Omaha, Nebraska where an unidentified bozo broke into a restaurant. Once inside, he found the safe locked, so he did what any bozo would do. He wrapped a chain around the safe, tied the chain to his car’s trailer hitch and proceeded to drag it away. Unfortunately, he drug the safe down several busy city streets, attracting attention from many people, including the cops. When they tried to pull him over, he ditched the car and ran away. The safe was returned intact to the restaurant. Police are still looking for our fleet footed bozo.

October 17, 2006

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 54786: If the job requires acting, brush up on your skills before trying to pull off the crime. From the International File in Cairo, Egypt comes the story of an unidentified bozo who pretended to be suffering from labor pains in an attempt to avoid customs at the airport. But she gave such a poor performance that a customs agent called her over to the side to check her passport. And when he noticed she looked a little "lumpy" he asked a female colleague to frisk her. That’s when it was discovered that she might actually be in pain, but not from labor. She could have been suffering from the heavy load of 48 cell phones that she was trying to smuggle into the country underneath her clothing. Busted!

October 16, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alex Edwards for sending in today’s report. From Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Chad Roberts who donned a ski mask and held up the local bar. He got away with a little cash but as soon as he left the bartender picked up the phone and called the cops to identify him. It seems our bozo chose the wrong bar to rob. He held up the bar owned by his parents and where he also worked. The bartender recognized his voice in spite of the mask. He’s under arrest.

October 13, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland where an unidentified bozo took a ride in a cab. After he reached his destination, he grabbed the cabbie and started hitting him on the head, demanding that he turn over his cash. After getting the money and a pack of cigarettes, our bozo ran away. He left one big problem behind. In the back of the cab he left his coin purse containing his drivers license, social security card and latest paycheck. Within 12 minutes, he was under arrest.

October 12, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Calgary, Alberta, Canada comes the story of bozo Charles Monk who stole a fully loaded beer truck. He soon wrecked the truck and police officers found it abandoned in a parking lot. And apparently the truck wasn’t the only thing that was fully loaded. A police dog was able to follow a trail of discarded beer cans, a cooler, a hand cart and pieces of clothing to a nearby apartment building, where our bozo was seen climbing out of a second story window, and heading for the roof. He’s been charged with theft and hit and run.

October 11, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Crawfordsville, Indiana where bozo Paul Starnes was arrested on a public intoxication charge and was placed in a holding cell. Obviously thinking this always works in the movies, our bozo climbed up into the ceiling, hoping to make his getaway through the crawlspace. He didn’t get very far before the ceiling gave way, sending him crashing to the floor, in the station house lobby, only a few feet away from the jailers. He now faces an additional charge of attempted escape.

October 10, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Phyllis Schifler for sending in today’s report. From Avon, Ohio comes the story of bozos Mark Harper and Robert Lynch who robbed a jewelry store, taking several items. Our bozos might have gotten away with their crime except for one small thing. As they were driving home, they began going through their loot, saving the valuable stuff and throwing jewelry boxes and other assorted items out the car window. Police received several calls about a vehicle driving erratically and tossing items out on the highway. Our bozos were stopped by the cops and charged with armed robbery. And littering.

October 9, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alex Edwards for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Cordoba, Argentina comes the story of an unidentified bozo who donned a mask and robbed a man in his home. While ordering the man to turn over his jewelry and cash, our bozo became so agitated he spit out his dentures. And in his haste to make his getaway, he left his choppers behind. Two days after the robbery, the homeowner noticed something suspicious…his own nephew seemed to have lost his teeth. He informed the cops and upon further investigation they discovered the missing teeth were a perfect fit for the man’s nephew. He’s been arrested.

October 6, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lynnwood, Washington where bozo Louis West was determined to break into a house. So, he tried the door, right? Wrong. Maybe tried to break a window? Nope. Came down the chimney like Santa Claus? No way. Instead our would be burglar went to the back of the house and tried to crawl in through the doggie door. Guess he forgot that doggie doors are doggie size not bozo size. He proceeded to get himself stuck tight in the door and was still there when the police arrived. He’s under arrest.

October 5, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mesa, Arizona where fourteen year old Shawn Perkins was having trouble driving his car. It was a manual transmission and he just couldn’t get the hang of it. He must have looked rather pitiful because a total of fifteen people stopped to help. Some pushed the car, others helped him when he got it stuck in reverse and finally one woman offered to give the boy a driving lesson. And that’s when things really started to go bad. Police noticed the car being driven erratically and pulled them over. Then the cops started to figure that he wasn’t such an innocent little boy after all. Our boy bozo had stolen the car, or had at least tried to steal it before he discovered he couldn’t drive it. He’s been charged with theft.

October 4, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Terra Linda, California where bozo Jon Ellis liked computers, really, really liked computers. And his love for the machines led him to break into a business with the intention of stealing a couple of them. However, he tripped a burglar alarm and was caught in the act by the cops. He got into more trouble when, during his trial for computer theft, he hid in the courthouse until everyone went home for the day and then tried to steal six more computers by wheeling them out the back door. A maintenance man spotted him and called the cops. Thanks to his new caper, he now faces up to four years in prison.