Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

June 30, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lufkin, Texas where bozo Shirley Walker purchased several items at the local Dollar General store. On the way out, she noticed a barbeque grill that she really liked. She liked it so much that she decided to steal it, loading it into her car and driving away. Police didn’t have any problem tracking her down however. Remember those items she purchased? She paid for them with a personal check.

June 30, 2006

One Easter Sunday a preacher was giving a special sermon for the children. He held up an egg and asked the kids, "Who knows what’s in here?" A little voice from the back shouted, "Pantyhose!"

June 29, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Statesboro, Georgia where bozo Jody Majors thought this was his lucky day. After several drinks at a neighborhood bar, he stumbled upon a checkbook. Deciding to put his good fortune to work, he wrote a check to pay his tab and handed it to the bartender. Unfortunately, the checkbook belonged to the bartender who immediately called the cops. The situation was diffused when our bozo’s daddy came by and paid his $129 bar tab.

June 28, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Northern Thailand where an unidentified bozo broke into a home in the middle of the night and stole a few beers. He quickly sought cover when he heard the homeowner coming his way, sliding underneath a bed. Sad to say, the bed he slid under was the same one the homeowner was sleeping in. When his search for the intruder proved fruitless, the homeowner returned to bed only to hear the sound of our bozo snoring. Yep, he had fallen sound asleep while hiding under the bed. He’s trying out the jailhouse mattress now.

June 27, 2006

Our bozos for today violated Bozo Rule Number 57633: Wait until you get home to change out of your work clothes. From Highland, California comes the story of bozos Michael Green and James Caperton who broke into a home and stole several items including a Playstation, an X-Box and a cordless phone. They loaded their loot into a couple of bags and left, in broad daylight. So far, so good. It’s what they did after they got out on the street that got them into trouble. Wanting to get out of the clothes that they had used in the robbery, they began stripping them off as they walked, throwing their clothes into the bushes. The sight of two nearly naked bozos, dragging a couple of bulging bags behind them attracted the attention of neighbors, who called the cops. They’re under arrest.

June 26, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Peterborough, Ontario, Canada where a man walked into the police station house and asked the desk sergeant for a light. When the officer gave him his lighter, our bozo pulled out a partially filled crack pipe. Busted!

June 23, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Braunschweig, Germany where 70 year old bozo Gustav Schultz was in the process of shoplifting several items when he was spotted by a police officer. As the officer tried to apprehend him, our bozo struck out with the only weapon he had…he bit the officer on the arm. Unfortunately, he must have forgotten that he had left his false teeth at home that morning. Instead of taking a bite out of the officer’s arm, he only left a wet spot where he gummed him. The officer proceeded to take a bite out of crime by placing him under arrest.

June 22, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Riverside, California where bozo Antoine Barber was a litterbug with a bad habit of throwing trash from his car. In a case of really bad timing, our bozo tossed some trash, only to have it hit a patrol car. When the police pulled our bozo over, they found that not only was he a litterbug, he was also driving a stolen car and carrying about 60 grams of methamphetamine. Three strikes and you’re busted!

June 21, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Antonio, Texas where bozo Michael Carter picked the wrong place to look for a job. He applied for work at the construction site of the new FBI headquarters in the Alamo City. Guess he didn’t realize they’d run a background check. When the computer showed a warrant on him for drug charges, our bozo tried to flee, breaking away from an agent who was attempting to detain him. He was quickly recaptured and the charge of assaulting a federal officer was added to his rap sheet.

June 20, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas where bozo Oscar Gonzalez was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. After running our bozo’s name through the computer, the officer found that his license was suspended and that he was wanted on an outstanding warrant. He was already in a heap o’ trouble but he just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Our bozo told the officer that he wished he could finish the banana split he had in his car. The officer took a look at the tasty treat and noticed something strange: A square shaped object sitting on top, and it wasn’t a sprinkle. Upon further investigation, the object turned out to be crack cocaine. A banana split with cocaine topping. Busted!

June 19, 2006

Bozo criminals for today come from Crystal, Minnesota where Bozos Mitchell Sanders and Bryan Clark broke into a Little League concession stand and stole $30 worth of Skittles and Starburst candy. In their excitement to get away and enjoy their loot, one of them left behind his cell phone. The sugar rush must have clouded his thinking, as later that evening he called the phone and, when a police officer answered, he identified himself as the owner. The officer then arranged to meet our bozo and return the phone. Both bozos have been charged with theft and have adopted a low sugar diet.

June 16, 2006

We’ve said it several times before…the old saying about a dog being man’s best friend doesn’t apply to bozos. From Cedar City, Utah comes the story of Bozo Nicholas Gobel who was approached by police officers wanting to question him about some stolen property. Instead of talking, our bozo jumped into his car and fled, along with his dog. He led the cops down a winding, bumpy road that jostled our bozo and his dog quite a bit. Finally, the dog had enough being slammed around and took out his frustration on the cause of all his problems, our bozo. Yep, the dog took a chunk out of our bozo’s nose. And that ended the chase. Our bozo is under arrest and they’re looking for a better home for the dog.

June 15, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Kansas where an unidentified bozo walked into a convenience store and picked up a can of soda. She then went to the counter and, as the clerk opened the register, she leaned over and tried to snatch some cash. The clerk was having none of it and grabbed the woman by the shirt. As she struggled to get away, she lost her shirt and ran topless from the store, along with the $3 she got from the register. A few minutes later, she came back into the store to demand her shirt back. The clerk said OK, but first give me the $3 back. Fair trade. She gave him the money and he gave her the shirt. The cops are looking for the topless bandit…and, no, we don’t know if there is a video.

June 14, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From St. Paul, Minnesota comes the story of bozo drug dealer Corey Richardson who stashed his marijuana in his six year old son’s Scooby-Doo backpack. Trouble arose when the kid went to school and his teacher asked him to remove a folder from the backpack and he pulled out a bag containing 25 smaller baggies of pot. School officials seized the weed and called the cops. At about that same time our bozo realized what had happened and rushed to the school to retrieve his dope. Bad timing. He’s been charged with drug dealing.

June 13, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Queens, New York, where bozo deadbeat dad Timothy Graham told a family court judge that he was unemployed and would have difficulty paying child support for his eight year old daughter. The judge took pity on him and ordered him to pay reduced child support payments of $60. Things were going fine until our bozo gave his ex his old PDA. Unknown to him, it kept receiving his e-mails, several of which discussed payment for design work, including one $1500 job and a proposal for a $35,000 project. Oops. She took the evidence back to the judge who upped his child support payments significantly.

June 12, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kenner, Louisiana where bozo Ronnie Walker was having some fun with his friends, acting out the words to a rap song. When our bozo got to the part of the song where it said, "Shoot", he did. Firing off the pistol he was holding, our bozo fatally wounded one of his friends. Police say he told them he didn’t realize the gun was loaded. He’s under arrest.

June 9, 2006

Bozo criminals for today come from Wichita, Kansas where two unidentified bozos walked into a grocery store and demanded money from the cashier. In a major flaw in their plan, one of our bozos was an employee of the store and was recognized by the cashier. He compounded his problems by showing up for work the next day driving the same vehicle that was used in the heist. He and his friend have been charged with robbery.

June 8, 2006

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 89432: When working at night, bring along a flashlight. From Provo, Utah comes the story of bozo Julio Ortega who broke into a business only to discover it was too dark inside to be able to find anything. So, he took off his shirt and set it on fire to give himself some light. Not the brightest idea. The smoke from our bozo’s "torch" set off the fire alarm. The cops and the fire department soon arrived and he was placed under arrest.

June 7, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk James Train for sending in today’s report from San Diego, California. Bozo Alvin Coffman walked into a bank and tried to withdraw some money from his account. When the teller told him his account was empty, he was undeterred. He simply said, "OK, then. This is a robbery," and demanded the teller give him $11,000. She gave him some cash, along with a dye pack, and tripped the silent alarm. Our bozo walked outside, where the dye pack exploded. He was about to go back inside to complain about the poor customer service when an officer arrived and placed him under arrest.

June 6, 2006

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one from Fort Worth, Texas. Bozo Larry Bates broke into a liquor store. Unfortunately for him, the breaking in part was just about the only part he got right. Once inside, he crawled a short distance through the ceiling before it gave way, sending him crashing 20 feet to the floor. A store security camera then captured the rest of his adventure. After about five minutes he came to, staggered to the cash register and grabbed some cigarettes. Now, for his getaway. He attempted to climb back up to the ceiling using a make-shift ladder, but it collapsed. So, he tried to break the store’s plexiglas door with a beer keg. No luck. He then tried to use a dolly, first slamming it against the door and then trying to use it to pry the door open. Again, no luck. Sensing that his goose was cooked, our bozo lit himself a cigarette and sat down on the keg to wait for the police to come by and arrest him, which they did.