Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

May 31, 2006

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Bergen, Norway. Apparently, this time of the year there’s not a whole lot to do in Bergen, so our bozos were amusing themselves by doing some recreational drugs. And these drugs caused them to see some things that weren’t there, like a group of tiny little men who were coming out of the fjord to get them. Our bozos were so terrified by the little creatures that they called the cops for help. Investigating officers found no little men, but they did find 52 pounds of hashish and 314 grams of amphetamines. Our bozos are now locked safely away in jail.

May 30, 2006

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1098: Choose your battles. From Orange County, Florida comes the story of bozo Emarjorie Taylor who was irritated by the sound of the police department helicopter as it hovered over her house, looking for a stolen car. So, she called the police to complain, right? Wrong. Maybe she contacted an officer to offer to help? Nope. Went out in the yard and shook her fist at the chopper? No way. Instead she dug through an old box of fireworks and found some bottle rockets, one of which she fired at the ‘copter. It missed. She was reloading and getting ready to try again when officers arrived and placed her under arrest.

May 29, 2006

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Canberra, Australia where bozo Norman Parker went to a department store and found a sweater he liked. He took it into one of the changing rooms, removed the security tag, stuffed the sweater underneath his jacket and headed for the door. He didn’t make it outside, however, as the security alarm went off just as he reached the exit. How could this have happened? He removed the security tag. That he did, but instead of throwing it away, he stuffed it into his pants pocket. He’s been charged with theft.

May 26, 2006

Bozo criminals for today come from Syracuse, New York. Bozo Curtis Hall and two of his friends broke into a convenience store and stole six packages of instant lottery tickets. And they might have gotten away with it had they not been distracted by their sweet tooth. On the way out of the store, one of them noticed the Little Debbie snack cakes display. And as you are no doubt aware, these are some quite tasty treats. Each bozo grabbed a fistful of snacks before he left. The temptation was just too much. They started eating the cakes on their way home, discarding the wrappers along the way. And that’s what did them in. Investigating officers followed the trail of Little Debbie wrappers to their apartment, where they found our bozos, along with the stolen lottery tickets and several more snack cakes.

May 25, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada where an unidentified bozo entered a bank and demanded money. After getting his cash, he fled on foot. And that’s when his bozo instincts must have kicked in. Seeking to better hide himself from the cops, he stripped off all his clothes before attempting to hail a cab. The cabbie, not accustomed to taking on nude passengers, alerted the cops, who arrested our naked bozo as he made his way toward the train station.

May 24, 2006

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7887: It’s usually a good idea to eat before you commit a crime. From Bristol Township, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Mario Carrella who robbed a bank and escaped with more than $2000. Pulling off the big heist caused him to work up a powerful appetite and he headed straight from the bank to a nearby pancake house. Once inside, he insisted on ordering five pancakes off the kids menu. Poor guy never got to enjoy them. The cops arrived before the pancakes did and placed him under arrest.

May 23, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rotterdam, New York where bozo Adam Johnson was waiting for a friend of his to be processed on a drunken driving charge at the police station. It was then that the lovely police station gumball machine caught our bozo’s eye. Thinking he had never seen such a beautiful machine, our bozo scooped it up and walked out the front door. He didn’t get very far, though. A dispatcher watching the surveillance system spotted him and alerted a deputy who arrested our bozo in the station house parking lot. And, in a first for our Bozo Report, he was charged with gumball machine theft.

May 22, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo filled her car up with gas. And, with the price so high, she found that she didn’t have enough money to pay for it. So, she came up with a bozo of an offer. She would go to the nearest ATM to get some cash and, as a show of good faith, she would leave her friend behind as a "security deposit." Much to the manager’s, and her friend’s, surprise, she never returned. He friend told the cops where to find our bozo and she was charged with theft.

May 19, 2006

We all know that being a Bozo crook is hard work and our story from Canton, New York once again proves it. Bozo Joel Flannery broke into the O’Leary Funeral Home and ransacked the place. He found nothing to steal, but in the process found himself tired out and in need of a nap. So, he took off his pants and boots and climbed into one of the home’s display coffins. It must have been really comfy, as that’s where the owner of the funeral home found him, sleeping like the dead, when she arrived for work the next morning. He’s been charged with burglary.

May 18, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From the International File in Glasgow, Scotland comes the story of bozo Aron Montgomery who walked into a liquor store and shoplifted a bottle of vodka. But somewhere between the vodka aisle and the exit door he got distracted by the lovely lass behind the counter. After a few minutes of flirting, he gave her his name and phone number. She didn’t follow up, but the cops did, charging him with theft.

May 17, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seminole, Florida, where bozo Lance Kostas was running late for work. Not being the kind of guy who likes to skip breakfast, he took his bowl of frosted flakes along with him as he drove to work. Guess he didn’t realize that breakfast foods and driving can be a dangerous combination. As he reached into his bowl for another spoonful of Tony the Tiger’s best, he failed to notice the car in front of him and crashed into it. The situation went from bad to worse when he realized that he had crashed into a police cruiser. He’s been charged with failure to yield.

May 16, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Columbus, Ohio comes the story of bozo Stan Higgins who picked the lock on one of the vans at an appliance repair company, hoping to steal the valuable tools inside. Being extra careful not to be seen, once inside, he closed the door of the van behind him. This would have been OK except for one thing: this van was equipped with a child safety lock that kept anyone from being able to open the doors from the inside. Our bozo found himself trapped in the back of the van, as a heavy steel cage prevented him from getting to the front seat. And that’s where company employees found him when they arrived for work the next day. He was freed and arrested.

May 15, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Clinton Township, Michigan comes the story of an unidentified bozo who who cut in front of a line of motorists waiting for discounted gas, in a promotion sponsored by local prosecutors. Cutting in line was bad enough, but he wasn’t even interested in the cheap gas. It was a snack he was in dire need of. He was arrested after officers on duty at the event found a stash of marijuana in his car.

May 12, 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Kirk Hellweg for sending in today’s report. From Clearwater, Florida comes the story of bozo Richard Cousins who had some stolen motorcycle parts he wanted to sell. So, he took some pictures of them and posted them on e-bay, which would have been a good idea except for one thing. His bare feet showed up in some of the shots. And his toes were tattooed with the letters "WHITE TRASH". When the rightful owner of the stolen parts spotted them on line, he called the cops. Police searched jail records and were able to identify our one and only bozo by his toe tattoos. As one officer said, he’s "tiptoeing" back to jail.

May 11, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File, Internal Affairs Division. From Trier, Germany, comes the story of a 52 year old police commissioner who had obviously never learned the finer points of pulling off a crime. Our bozo cop stormed into a bank, wearing a mask and brandishing a gun. He got away with a little cash but not before employees got the description and license plate number of his getaway vehicle. Police were able to trace the car to our bozo’s girlfriend, who told them she had loaned the car to him for the week. He’ll be looking at things from the other side of the bars for a while.

May 10, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rockaway, New Jersey, where the cops were holding their fourth annual police expo. And one exhibit in particular attracted our teenage bozo. It was a display of popular street drugs. Lots of them. Too many for our bozo to resist. He was collared by the cops as he tried to break into the display case, right there in the police exhibit. He’s under arrest…and those drugs that looked so good to him…they were fake.

May 9, 2006

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Puchong, Malaysia, where three bozos tried to hold up a cell phone store. While one of them asked the manager to take a look at his broken phone, another one pulled a knife and demanded cash. The manager was having none of it and fled as soon as he saw the knife. Our bozos then grabbed up several cell phones and headed for the door. At that very moment, the manager returned with a baseball bat, conking one of our bozos on the head. They beat a hasty retreat to their getaway vehicle, a motorcycle, with the manager in hot pursuit. The driver only made it a short distance before losing control and crashing the bike. By this time, passers by had arrived and they held our bozos down until the police got there. And those cell phones they stole…they were fake display models.

May 8, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ogden Dunes, Indiana where bozo John McInturff had just been released from jail and was in the mood to celebrate. As he and his family were riding home on a commuter train, our bozo found himself ready for a beer. And not wanting to wait until he could get to a liquor store, he decided to simply swipe one from a fellow passenger. Maybe he should have asked politely first as the other gentleman did not take kindly to having his beer stolen and soon an argument erupted, which resulted in the cops being called. Our bozo will have to put off his celebration for awhile. He’s back behind bars.

May 5, 2006

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sao Paulo, Brazil where an unidentified bozo found himself in a jam after a robbery attempt at an electronics store went bad. Holding several hostages, and surrounded by the cops, our bozo wasn’t sure what to do. So, he asked the cops for one phone call…to talk to his lawyer, right? Wrong. He called his Mommy to ask her for advice. She told him to release the hostages and surrender, which he did.

May 4, 2006

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Ruichang, China, where a group of bozos came up with a truly Bozoesque plan to rob a gambling hall. Their idea: Knock out the gamblers with cyanide gas and steal their money. Maybe they forgot that they might need gas masks for themselves. Two of our bozos died from the gas; the other three were rendered unconscious. The survivors have been charged with attempted robbery.