(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, and it proves the old adage that if you’re a bozo and at first you don’t succeed, don’t try again. Our bozos had a plan to break into an electronics store by drilling through the wall from a neighboring suite of offices. On their first attempt, instead of boring into the electronic store, they drilled into a newspaper office housed in the same building. So, they moved over a few feet and drilled again. This time they bored into an optician’s office (maybe they should have stolen some glasses while they were there). Undeterred, they tried a third time and broke into an empty office. On their fourth try, they hit pay dirt, the electronics store. Unfortunately, they also set off the burglar alarm. They’re under arrest.
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3431: Before stealing something, it’s a good idea to know the area’s geography. From the International File in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia, Canada comes the story of three teenagers who stole a boat and took it for a little joy ride. After beaching the craft, they decided to set it afire. Which would have been OK, except for one little thing. Our bozos didn’t realize they had come ashore on an island. An uninhabited island with no other way to get off it, except for the now burned out boat. Our bozos had to first be rescued before they could be arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving. He gave the officer his name, which was run through police records. While looking over them, the officer noticed our bozo was supposed to have a glass eye. When he shined his flashlight in our bozo’s "glass" eye, it responded to the light. Oops. He then tried to tell the cops that he used to have a glass eye, but didn’t any longer. Didn’t work. They uncovered his true identity and discovered he had lost his license. Busted!
Thanks to all the Bozo News Hawks at radio station KINY in Juneau, Alaska for sending in today’s report. Bozo Travis Leonard was arrested by the Juneau cops for drunk driving. After he had been processed, his girlfriend showed up in a cab to pick him up. Poor judgment on her part. One of the officers recognized her as being wanted on a couple of outstanding warrants. She was arrested and escorted to jail. No word if our bozo took the same cab home.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the Olympic Division in Torino, Italy. An unidentified bozo pickpocket snatched the wallet of 24 year old Gina Kingsbury while she was shopping in downtown Torino during the games. Several people noticed what he was doing and when he took off with her wallet, Gina followed in hot pursuit. It didn’t take her long to catch him and when she grabbed him, he obviously knew she meant business and quickly handed over the wallet. Did we fail to mention Gina is a forward on the gold medal winning Canadian women’s hockey team…and is known for her penalty killing and forechecking abilities?
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bochum, Germany, where an unidentified bozo hailed a cab, rode around, and then jumped out without paying. He might have gotten away with it except he still needed a ride home. So, he did what any bozo would do…he called another cab. And who should be dispatched but the same driver he had stiffed before. The cabbie recognized him and called the cops, who arrested our still waiting bozo.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Emily Sowter for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Sydney, Australia comes the story of bozo Robert Carson who managed to escape from jail by losing a lot of weight and slipping through the bars of his cell. He must have lost some brain cells in addition to those fat cells while on his diet, as, shortly after his escape, he was captured while on a shopping trip with his girlfriend. It was his attempt at a disguise that did him in. He’s naturally blonde and he used a black marker to draw on a fake mustache. Needless to say, this getup attracted a lot of attention, and someone soon recognized him and called the cops. He’s back in jail, hopefully one with bars that are closer together.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today violated Bozo Rule Number 23567, which is specifically for forgers: Use spellchecker. From Van Buren, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Julie Roman who tried to pass a forged payroll check at the local convenience store. The clerk became suspicious when she noticed that the name of the business was misspelled on the check. She called the cops who caught up with our bozo and found 30 other forged, and misspelled, checks in her car. She’s under arrest.
We are only now getting word of a couple of bozos in Sheridan, Colorado who had big plans to celebrate the Super Bowl. After the game was over, they planned to set off their own pyrotechnics display by lighting some balloons filled with an explosive gas. They never got to enjoy their big plan. After filling a large balloon with acetylene gas, they drove over to where the big party was being held. As they were driving, the balloon rolled back and forth across the back seat, building up a static electricity charge. Eventually the charge sparked, setting off an explosion that broke the windows of the car and pushed the roof up about a foot. Our bozos miraculously weren’t seriously injured. They’ve been charged (no pun intended) with felony possession of an explosive device.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one from Orlando, Florida. Michael Griffin is 100 per cent bozo, and must also be a little nearsighted. He walked up to a car at a gas station and asked the man inside if he wanted to buy some cocaine. When the man inside the car was a bit hesitant, he asked him again. This time the man agreed. Our bozo handed over a bag of rock cocaine and the man then arrested him. What we didn’t tell you was that the man in the car was a police officer in full uniform and the car was a standard issue black and white cruiser. Oops.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one from Fargo, North Dakota. Bozo Grace Simon was in need of some marijuana. Really in need of some marijuana. She needed it so bad, in fact, that she called the police dispatcher to ask him if he knew where she could buy some pot. The dispatcher politely told her that the drug was illegal, but that they did have some stored in a locker at the station house. She was arrested after she showed up at the station house with $3 to buy her pot.
Bozo criminal for today comes from West Bend, Wisconsin where an unidentified bozo broke into a residence and made himself at home. He brewed some coffee, cooked a meal, took a shower, picked out a change of clothes, watched TV and checked his e-mail before leaving. It was that last item that sealed his fate. He left his Yahoo account open after checking his personal e-mail, making it easy for the cops to track him down.
Our bozo for today is not exactly a criminal but she is definitely a bozo. From Cordova, Tennessee comes the story of an unidentified flight attendant for Northwest Airlines. During a stopover in Milwaukee, she found what she thought was an ideal gift for her son at an army surplus store and she stuffed it into her carry-on bag. Screeners were understandably alarmed when they identified the "gift" in her bag…a real but inactive hand grenade. Disorderly conduct charges and a hefty fine are pending.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Olympia, Washington where bozo Lance Griffin broke out of the minimum security prison where he was serving time for theft. Guess he hadn’t done his homework, as he had no sooner escaped than he found himself sliding down a steep embankment behind the jail. He then got stuck and, with the temperatures in the low 30′s, he was forced to call for help when he heard officers searching for him. And, worst of all, he only had 10 days left on his sentence when he broke out. He’s now had three more months tacked on…at a more secure prison.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Springfield, Missouri where bozo Clayton Thomas didn’t realize it’s not always polite to ask for seconds. Our bozo held up a diner on Monday and then returned to the same diner and attempted to rob the same clerk two days later. Only this time, things didn’t work out so well. As he was running through the restaurant parking lot, he pulled his gun…and shot himself in the foot. He was taken to jail after receiving treatment.
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from Springfield, Massachusetts where two bozos stole a 1995 Honda from in front of a residence. Guess it must not have been kept in a garage because instead of heading home with the car, our bozos headed down to the neighborhood car was to spruce it up a bit. Not the best idea. The owner of the car happened to be passing by when he noticed his car waiting in line to be washed. He called the cops, who were waiting for our bozos when the car emerged from the wash and wax. You could say they didn’t make a clean getaway.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jane McCormick for sending in today’s report. From Williamsport, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Michael Deaton who broke into an apartment but before he could take anything found himself face to beak with Sunshine the parrot. And apparently Sunshine doesn’t take to burglars, as before our bozo knew what was happening, Sunshine bit a couple of chunks out of his hand. Sunshine’s squaking also alerted the neighbors who called the cops. When blood on Sunshine’s beak was matched up to our bozo, he was placed under arrest, a classic case of taking a bite out of crime.
We all know that jury duty can be a boring task, but our bozo for today went a little too far in trying to lighten things up. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in this one from Elyria, Ohio. Bozo Patrick Gulley was on his way to jury duty when he had to empty his pockets at the courthouse’s security checkpoint. Deputies noticed one of the items he took out of his pocket was a small tin box containing a green leafy substance. Yep, he had brought some marijuana to the courthouse. Instead of serving on a jury, he’ll be going before the judge. He’s been charged with possession.
Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this story from Orem, Utah. It seems someone stole bozo Kory Tarver’s marijuana. So, he did what any bozo would do, he called the cops to report the theft. Officers did some investigating and quickly tracked down the robber, recovering our bozo’s pot. It was then that Kory earned his spot in the Bozo Hall of Fame. The police called him to inform him that they believed they had recovered his marijuana. All he had to do was come down to the station house and identify it as his. Which he did. Busted on pot possession charges!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Melbourne, Australia comes the story of bozo Reg White who robbed a man in the carport of his home. It was his choice of victim that got him in trouble. He had robbed one of the best known cartoonists in the country. Our bozo was arrested shortly after the victim provided the police with a very detailed sketch of the robber.