Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

November 30, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Danville, California where bozo Peter Carson stole a car and headed for the freeway, and, since the car was equipped with one of those Fastrak devices, he was able to cruise right thought the toll booths without stopping. Guess he didn’t realize the owner of the car could log onto the internet and see the exact time he went through each toll booth. She simply turned that info over to the cops who quickly tracked down and arrested our joy riding bozo.

November 29, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Gloucester, England, where bozo Charles Brunson snatched a woman’s handbag. As he turned to run away, he ran smack into a wall, knocking himself unconscious. Police first revived and then arrested our bozo.

November 28, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in the Swiss Alps, where new cameras designed to catch speeders have been installed, and they’re being met with the same warm response over there that they’ve received here. One bozo, who just couldn’t face the fact that the camera had caught him speeding again, went after it with a pick ax, smashing it free from its mountings. He then loaded the camera into his car and drove up a mountain where he through it off a cliff. And, that’s when his luck ran out. Police officers noticed him when he tossed it over and arrested him, charging him with destruction of public property…and speeding.

November 25, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Pakistan where our bozo, identified only as Zubair, escaped from prison after it was badly damaged in an earthquake. He then made his way back to his hometown, where he laid low and kept quiet, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with a bozo escapee here. Instead of keeping a low profile, he composed a song and dance describing how he escaped from prison. He then performed the little number for anyone willing to listen. Unfortunately, a police officer was in the audience for one of his performances. He’s back under arrest.

November 24, 2005

We have a very appropriate bozo for you on this Thanksgiving Day. From Fergus Falls, Minnesota comes the story of an unidentified bozo who attempted to burglarize the Speedway restaurant. Unfortunately, he tripped an alarm which notified the police. Looking for a place to hide, our bozo first took refuge in the ceiling, but it fell through. Then, he tried to hide in the most appropriate place for a turkey on Thanksgiving, in the large restaurant oven. Arresting officers removed him when he was only half-baked.

November 23, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah, where bozo Bryan Ezell went to the local bank and filled out a loan application. When he returned the next day and found his loan had been denied, he pulled a shotgun and robbed the clerk. The cops had a good idea who he was, since he had filled out the loan application with all his personal information. But he made it even easier when he returned to the bank a third time and asked for the same teller he had robbed the day before. This time employees recognized him and called the cops before he had time to ask for another loan.

November 22, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File high above Brisbane, Australia. Bozo Helene Sanger was struggling to quit smoking and, since she also had a fear of flying, she probably picked a bad time to go on a plane trip. After trying to calm her nerves with several drinks, our bozo just couldn’t take it any longer. She just had to have a smoke. So, she walked to one of the rear doors of the plane where she tried to crack it open just a little bit so she could light up. Fortunately, flight attendants were able to stop her before she got it open. Police were waiting for her when the plane landed. And, as for our bozo, she doesn’t remember a thing, and claims she must have been sleepwalking.

November 21, 2005

All of here at the Bozo Criminal Report are glad to see that things are getting back to normal in Louisiana. Bozo Criminal for today comes from Thibodaux, Louisiana, where bozo Sharita Wilkins ordered a meal at the local Malt-n-Burger. When her food arrived, our bozo was dismayed to discover that her onion rings were cold. And when the attendant refused to replace the rings, she did what any bozo would do in such a situation. She called 911 to report the problem. Bad idea. She was arrested and charged with misuse of the 911 system.

November 18, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah, where bozo Bryan Ellis took a car from a dealership for a test drive. Literally took it, as in he didn’t return. Problem number one: He left his driver’s license at the dealership. Problem number two: He headed straight over to a check cashing business, which he robbed. The same check cashing business where he had taken out a loan the day before. The employee recognized him and called the cops. He’s under arrest for both robbery and auto theft.

November 17, 2005

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this story from Avondale, Arizona, where a group of counterfeiters had quite a lucrative business going. They would print up fake $50 and $100 bills, use the money to buy merchandise at one Wal-Mart and then return the items for cash at another Wal-Mart in the area. Things were going along well until one day the printer they were using to make the phony money broke. Of course, they did what any bozo would do. They took it in for repair. Unfortunately, the problem was that the printer was jammed…with fake $50 and $100 bills. The repair shop tipped off the cops, which led to our bozo’s arrest.

November 16, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albany, New York where bozo Joe Adams decided to use a stolen credit card to go on a little shopping spree at his neighborhood grocery store. In the process he made several mistakes. First, he drew attention to himself by rushing down the aisles, pushing two carts and frantically throwing items into them. Then, he used his own store advantage card to get deeper discounts. And, when the discounts weren’t as good as he had hoped, he was caught on surveillance cameras having a heated argument with the store manager. When the cops arrived to arrest him, he gave them our Bozo Excuse of the Month when explaining how he came into possession of a stolen credit card. He told them he got the card in a trade with a one-legged man in a bar for a bag of marijuana.

November 15, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dallas, Texas, where the sheriff’s department had an opening in the Courtesy Patrol division. For some reason, this sounded like a good job to bozo Ernestina Gonzales who applied for the position. Guess she never thought the sheriff’s department would do a background check. Wrong. Not only did they discover she was wanted on a felony arson charge, but they also found she had $1700 worth of unpaid traffic tickets. She didn’t get a job with the department, but she’s seeing how it operates from the inside.

November 14, 2005

Bozo criminals for today come from Washington, DC where two unidentified bozos broke into a Foot Locker store. An alarm was tripped and the police arrived, only to find no one inside. Thinking the crooks might have been frightened away, the cops might have left if not for one thing. One of our bozos had forgotten to turn off his cell phone and it went off at the most inopportune moment, revealing their hiding place in the building’s attic. They’re under arrest.

November 11, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fruitport Township, Michigan. Bozo Louis Jones and his girlfriend were taking part in a scavenger hunt and one of the items they needed was a picture of a cop eating a donut. So, our bozo and his friend headed down to the police station and asked if any of the officers would be willing to have their picture taken. A couple of them agreed and, since there were no donuts in the station house, someone was sent out to pick up some. While they were waiting one of the officers thought our bozo looked mighty familiar. Yep, he was on a wanted poster…two felony warrants for failing to pay child support. He never did get the picture he was looking for, but he posed for one of his own when they booked him.

November 10, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barb Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Merrimack, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Sammar Gupta who was doing a little moonlighting while working his regular job at the convenience store. When business was slow, he would head to the back of the store and package up marijuana for sale later. Must have been really tiring work. A customer who walked in and found the store unattended called the cops. Police arrived to find our bozo sound asleep in the back, with his head resting on a large bag of marijuana and a scale and a smaller bag of the stuff nearby. He’s under arrest.

November 9, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Aspen, Colorado, where bozo Martha Brown was pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. She jumped out and fled, eventually running up to a house, where she knocked on a glass sliding door, before letting herself in. Not the best idea in any case but a really bad idea when the house you walk into belongs to the chief of police. To add to her problems, officers found her in possession of 4.5 grams of cocaine, a crack pipe and other drug paraphernalia. She’s under arrest.

November 8, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Russia, where two Chinese bozos were trying to sneak across the Chinese-Russian border. They aroused suspicion when they arrived at the border on a riding lawnmower. (Hank Hill would be proud). The border guard didn’t buy their excuse that they had simply gotten lost while mowing the grass. Guess the prison grounds will be looking nice…they’re under arrest.

November 7, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where bozo James Glass stole several DVDs from a video store. He took off on a bicycle but ditched it when police officers came after him. Our bozo tried to escape down an alley but became a fashion victim when his baggy pants fell to his ankles, tripping him up. He tried to kick off his pants and shoes but by this time it was too late. Officers put his pants back on and arrested him.

November 4, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Durban, South Africa where an unidentified 21 year old bozo tried to kidnap herself. First, she sent a text message to her father from her own cell phone saying she had been kidnapped and that her abductors were demanding $20,000 ransom. Then, a day later, her parents received a call from her, again on her own cell phone, telling them where to drop off the ransom. Police staked out the location and were surprised when the woman arrived to pick up the money herself. She’s been charged with fraud. It’s going to be an awkward family Christmas this year.

November 3, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Vail, Colorado comes the story of bozos Luke Clark and Anthony Parker who held up the local bank. In the process, several mistakes were made. First, our bozos made no attempt to disguise their Australian accents to bank employees, who were already familiar with them since they robbed the branch where they did their own banking. Second, they wore their workplace nametags on their shirts when they pulled off the heist. Third, flush with cash, they headed down to a local jewelry store where they purchased $10,000 worth of merchandise, which they tried to pay for with $5 bills from the robbery. Then, wanting to travel light, they dumped some of the excess cash in the trash at the Denver airport, but not before taking some souvenir photos of themselves with their haul. Not surprisingly, they’re under arrest.