Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

October 31, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Corry, Pennsylvania where the owner of a local tavern knew someone was stealing beer from his bar and, since he had a pretty good idea who it was, he set a trap to catch a bozo. He wrote "busted" on the bottom of each of the cans in a couple of six packs and then left them on the top of the stacks of beer, a tempting target. When the six packs were gone the next day, he had the cops pay a visit to a former employee who had never turned in his key when he quit. Checking our bozo’s trash, the cops found the cans with "busted" written on them and followed their instructions, busting our bozo.

October 28, 2005

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 13459: Before pulling a stick-up, make sure the person you’re robbing isn’t your former girlfriend. From the International File in Obermillstadt, Austria comes the story of an unidentified bozo who donned a mask and held up a bank. And, of all the rotten luck, the teller turned out to be an ex-girlfriend who recognized him by his baby blue eyes, showing through the mask. She ID’ed him to the cops and gave them his home address. He’s under arrest.

October 27, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Camden, New Jersey. Two unidentified bozos were in the market for some drugs and contacted their local dealer. It was what they tried to use to pay for the drugs that got them into trouble. In exchange our bozos offered up…a hand grenade. Apparently this isn’t legal tender, even in the drug trade. The dealers called the cops to report the incident. Both of our bozos, along with the dealer, were arrested and a bomb disposal crew took care of the grenade.

October 26, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Germany where our bozo security guard stole 7.2 million euros that he was supposed to deliver to a bank. He took the cash and fled to Croatia where he was living the good life on the beach. Police had no idea where he was until he got lonesome and decided to make a phone call to his mother. Police were able to trace the call and mama’s boy was arrested.

October 25, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Largo, Florida, where bozo Daniel Rucker was wanted by the cops on a probation violation…and was just a little paranoid. He was walking down the street late last Wednesday evening when he heard a police helicopter overhead. Of course, he immediately assumed they were looking for him and he jumped into a storm drain to hide. After a few minutes of crawling through the dark maze of sewers, he was hopelessly lost. And to make matters worse, he couldn’t jimmy the grate to get out. So he was stuck…until daylight when he spotted someone walking by and shouted for help. 911 was called and our bozo was rescued, and arrested on the outstanding warrants.

October 24, 2005

Bozo criminals for today come from Memphis, Tennessee where a gang of bozos was doing a great business selling crack in a poor neighborhood. They were doing so well, in fact, that they moved their base of operations from the street corner to a nearby house. And when they were open for business, they’d simply put up a sign that said, "Crack House." That way their customers would know how to find them. Guess they never thought it would help the cops find them, too. Busted!

October 21, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Darlington, South Carolina where police responded to an alarm at a business. As they were checking the place out, our bozo came crashing through the ceiling, where he had apparently tried to hide. And did we mention that he was totally naked at the time? It was after the cops cuffed him that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the officers that someone had thrown his keys up on the roof and he was looking for them. He had a little more trouble explaining the naked part.

October 20, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Varna, Bulgaria where U.S. Ambassador John Beyrle was passing through customs when he noticed his expensive cell phone was missing. Airport staff and customs officials searched for it to no avail. Finally someone realized the high-tech device was equipped with GPS, global positioning system, and when the ambassador keyed the information into his laptop it pinpointed the exact location of the phone… within one of the customs officer’s pockets. Busted!

October 19, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Scotland where Alan West had run up some big drug bills while in prison. And the cons he had bought from while inside were leaning on him for payment. So, he took extreme measures to take care of his debts. He broke out of jail, went to a nearby house, stole a number of items and the family’s car, which he drove back to the prison. He then broke back in, took care of his debts and returned to his cell. Things might have worked out had only he walked back to jail. Police were able to match our bozo’s DNA to swabs taken from the car he had driven back to the prison. He’s now been moved to a more secure facility.

October 18, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Coleford, England where bozo Kerry Lange stole a small cement mixer from a home, loading it into his van and taking it away. Two problems with this scenario: Number One, a neighbor next door saw the whole thing and gave a full description of the crime to the cops. And, Number Two, that van he used as his getaway vehicle was a van that our bozo used in his business, with his name printed in big, bold letters on the side. He’s under arrest.

October 17, 2005

Bozo criminals for today come from Northlake, Texas, where three bozos robbed a house, making off with a laptop computer, a couple of guitars and several thousand dollars in U.S. Savings Bonds. They might have gotten away with it, too, except for one thing. The family had one of those "nanny cams" that keep track of their newborn. And the nanny cam had recorded the whole robbery, getting good pictures of each of our bozos. They turned themselves in after the tape was shown on a local television station.

October 14, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eugene, Oregon where bozo Dwayne Ellis was spotted by the cops pedaling down the street on his bicycle with what was described as a big grin on his face. It was what he was carrying under his arm that may have caused that big goofy grin. Three marijuana plants that he had pulled up by the roots. He’s not grinning anymore…he’s been charged with possession.

October 12, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Hanover, Germany where an unidentified bozo was wanted by the cops for a string of burglaries. When the officers came to his house to arrest him, he bolted out the back door and hid in a neighbor’s garden nearby. Unfortunately for him, in his haste to flee, he left behind his Staffordshire bull terrier, Lumpi. When the cops let Lumpi out, he headed straight for the garden where he stood wagging his tail near the bushes where our bozo was hiding. He’s been arrested. Lumpi now lives with relatives.

October 11, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Budapest, Hungary, where an unidentified bozo escaped from prison, where he must have been really lonely. Because one of the first things he did upon breaking out was to post an ad with his name and picture on one of those online dating sites. He didn’t exactly make the love connection he was hoping for. The cops recognized him and set up a date at a local pastry shop where he got his just desserts and was arrested.

October 10, 2005

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Mapunapuna, Hawaii where bozo John Inoki walked into the bank and handed the teller a holdup note. He got away with his cash and ran out the front door. Once outside, however, he thought better of his actions and returned to the front door to try to give back the money. When the guard recognized him and wouldn’t let him back in, he walked away, only to turn around and come back for a second try. This time, he started shoving the money back under the door. He then got into his car to try to make his getaway. Too late. By this time, the cops had arrived.

October 7, 2005

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 14243: Don’t hide out in the residence of another crook. Bozo Tony Carrillo was laying low in the apartment of a friend when the police came knocking on the door. The cops were looking for our bozo’s friend, who wasn’t at home, on suspicion of being involved in a recent burglary. Our bozo panicked when he saw them approaching, since he was wanted on several theft warrants himself. When no one answered the door, the officers were preparing to leave when they heard a thud. Yep, it was our bozo, who had tried to escape the second floor apartment by going out a rear window. Bad move. He broke his leg when he crash landed and was arrested by the cops to boot.

October 6, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cottonwood, Arizona, where bozo Nick Kostas is accused of robbing a residence. For reasons known only to our bozo, he committed the crime naked. When the homeowner returned home unexpectedly, our naked bozo fled, only to pause just outside the front door to ask the homeowner if he could loan him a pair of shorts. The homeowner complied, but this still didn’t help our bozo make his getaway. Police found him next door, trying to hot wire a car…and wearing those borrowed shorts.

October 5, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cross Lanes, West Virginia where bozo David Greene was arrested on robbery charges. As deputies were leading him to a waiting squad car, our bozo broke free and jumped into the Kanawha River, hoping to swim to freedom. Officers watched in amazement as our bozo turned around and headed back toward them, after discovering that he wasn’t going to get very far swimming with his hands cuffed behind his back. They loaded him back into the squad car and took him to jail.

October 4, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Painesville, Ohio, where bozo Malcolm Curtis led the police on a car chase after an officer tried to arrest him on a probation violation. He jumped out of his car and ran into a stranger’s house where he tried to cool his heels. Literally. Police found him hiding inside a chest freezer along with three bags of ice and a frozen turkey. Maybe that should be two turkeys! They thawed him out and arrested him.

October 3, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Czestochowa, Poland comes the story of a man who wanted to get a new hairdo for his girlfriend. Lacking the money to get it done, he took her down to the shop and held a gun to the stylist’s head, demanding he give her a free hair cut. The stylist complied, but didn’t do his best work under pressure. In fact, our bozo was so dissatisfied with the job that he brought her back the very next day demanding they do a better job, even asking for a dye job and extensions to fix the length. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.