Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

September 30, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Shibuya-Ku, Japan, where bozo Tomoyasu Shinkawa was looking for help in pulling off a big burglary. So, he posted a help wanted ad on the internet. He hired one of the would-be crooks who applied and together they did pull off the robbery, getting away with 2.6 million yen. But our wanna be robber just didn’t have what it takes. A short time later he turned himself in and gave up our bozo who was also arrested.

September 29, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Stockholm, Sweden comes the story of an unidentified bozo who robbed a bank, making away with a small amount of cash. After driving a short distance, he ditched his car and took off on foot, hoping to slip away unnoticed. That would have been a good plan except for one small detail. He abandoned his car across the street from the police K-9 compound with about 70 trained dogs in residence. After officers found the vehicle, they released a canine unit that quickly tracked down our bozo.

September 28, 2005

The ever rising price of gasoline continues to give our bozos problems. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alana Cooper for sending in today’s report from Muncie, Indiana where bozo Charles Haynes came up with an ambitious plan. He drove his van to a gas station that was closed for the night, inserted a hose into the station’s underground tank, connected his battery operated pump and began siphoning the gas from the tank into a 55 gallon container he had installed in the back of his van. It was a rather slow process and it had been a long day, so our bozo decided to take himself a little nap. It must have been a pretty big nap, since the manager found him asleep in front of the station when he reported to work the following morning. He’s now catching up on his sleep in jail.

September 27, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pensacola, Florida where bozo Artemio Cruz stole a car from the parking lot of a gas station. After less than an hour our bozo noticed the car was low on gas, so, he did what any bozo would do, he returned to the very same station to fill ‘er up. Not the best plan. Employees recognized it as the stolen car and called the cops. Our bozo must have suspected something was up, as he tried to flee but was quickly captured.

September 26, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Escanaba, Michigan where bozo Paul Harris called the cops to report that his safe had been stolen. He told them that it was a very valuable one, too, weighing about 200 pounds and containing a rifle, a muzzleloader, two knives, a rangefinder and a collection of silver dollars. After receiving a tip, the police were able to recover the safe, which was still locked. They asked our bozo to come down to the station house with the combination and open it up, which he did. One small problem, he forgot to tell the cops about the pound of marijuana which was also inside. Oops…he’s under arrest.

September 23, 2005

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in this one from the International File in Tokyo, Japan, where an unidentified bozo hired a hit man to kill her lover’s wife. She paid him 15 million yen to do the job and when the woman turned up alive our bozo was understandably upset. So upset that she called the cops to complain that the hit man she hired didn’t get the job done. Bad idea. Both she and the would-be hit man are now under arrest.

September 22, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntington, West Virginia, where Marshall University was having its season opener football game and parking places were at a premium. In fact, a cottage industry had sprung up where folks would let football fans park in their vacant lots or front yards. One rather industrious woman had about 20 cars on her lot, charging $5 each. Only one problem, it wasn’t her property. She had just set up shop on a vacant lot and was taking money from anyone who needed a place to park. Everything was going well until the real owner of the lot got wind of what was going on and called the cops.

September 21, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo Daniel Carnes filed a police brutality charge against the New York cops, claiming they roughed him up and smashed his head against a wall. His case made it all the way to trial before the police played their ace card. Everything in the station house is videotaped, including this alleged assault. The tape showed him banging his own head against the wall, even while officers tried to stop him. And the tape also caught him saying, "I want to knock myself out and blame it on you guys!" Case closed.

September 20, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole the in-car navigation system from an auto. Now, the big question…what to do with it? Our bozo decided to post it for sale on an internet auction site. Probably not the best idea. The owner spotted it up for sale and called the cops, who went to our bozo’s house posing as potential buyers before arresting him.

September 19, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Christchurch, New Zealand, where an unidentified bozo signed up as a new recruit at the Royal Police Academy, hoping for a career in law enforcement. Unfortunately for him, a standard fingerprinting exercise is part of the training procedure. And, when our bozo’s fingerprints were run, what should show up but…the fact that he was wanted on an outstanding assault warrant. He won’t get to finish his training as he’s now in lock-up.

September 16, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Pieterburen, The Netherlands. A man returned from work to find a strange car, with two children inside, parked outside his house. When the man asked the kids where their father was, one of them replied, "He’s robbing the house." The man rushed inside to find Dad and a woman rummaging through his things. They quickly ran out and drove off with the kids. Police have a good description and the license plate number and expect to make an arrest shortly.

September 15, 2005

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Dickson of Tyler, Texas who passed along today’s report. From Myrtle Beach, South Carolina comes the story of Bozo Howard Davis who wanted to open up a little restaurant of his own. Unfortunately he didn’t have enough cash to buy the equipment to furnish his place. So he did what any bozo would do– he stole the stuff he needed from a restaurant down the street. And how was he caught? One of the items he stole was a refrigerator, which had pictures of the owner’s grandkids stuck to the door. He made it easy for the police to identify when he didn’t bother to remove the pictures.

September 14, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Devon, England where bozo Jethro Smalley broke into a farmhouse and gathered up several items. It was his choice of getaway vehicle that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He loaded his booty into a wheelbarrow and, in a driving rainstorm, began pushing it down the road. The farmer, returning home, saw him and, after seeing his home had been broken into, turned around to go talk to him. But before he could even confront him, our bozo asked him for a ride to the nearest town. Having seen and heard enough, the farmer called the cops, who told him they were busy with another case and would get to him when they had time. It took them two hours to arrive, during which time our bozo had managed to push the wheelbarrow five miles, with the farmer slowly following behind in his car. He and his wheelbarrow have been taken into custody.

September 13, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Geneva, Switzerland, where an unidentified bozo broke into a shopping center after hours and grabbed several bags full of DVDs, watches and food. He then tried to make his getaway by forcing his way through the center’s automatic sliding doors. Didn’t work. He got his head and one foot through before the doors slammed shut, leaving him hopelessly trapped. Passers by heard his calls and saw a bozo with his head and one foot sticking out of a sliding door and quickly figured out what was going on. They managed to pry the doors open just enough to force him back inside, where he had to wait until the police arrived.

September 12, 2005

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Ormskirk, England where a couple of bozos stole a washing machine from outside an appliance shop. Their first problem arose when the deed was captured on security cameras. The second problem…how to get this thing home. And perhaps they didn’t come up with the best solution. They wheeled the washing machine through town, in broad daylight, down to the local train station. They were arrested as they tried to get it loaded onto the train to Liverpool.

September 9, 2005

Once again we find that having a sense of humor is great, but it can be dangerous to your freedom if you’re a bozo. From Conway, New Hampshire, comes the story of bozo John Tucker who walked into the local Wal-Mart wearing an orange prison jumpsuit and handcuffs. He asked an employee in the hardware department where he could find a hacksaw. The frightened employee stalled him while another employee called the cops. Our bozo explained to the officer that he hadn’t escaped from anywhere and the whole thing was a prank. The officer failed to find the humor in the situation. Our bozo was charged with disorderly conduct.

September 8, 2005

Bozo criminal for today gets our first annual Homer Simpson Award for Bozo Dad of the Year. From Savannah, Georgia comes the story of bozo Michael Lynch who was celebrating his daughter’s 13th birthday when he thought it would be really funny to write out a hold-up note and then have his daughter give it to a bank teller. For some reason the teller didn’t see the humor in the note. She set off an alarm and very quickly dad and the girls were surrounded by police and FBI. Dad’s been charged with attempted robbery.

September 7, 2005

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Timoteo, Brazil where a gang of bozo prisoners pulled a stunt right out of a Three Stooges movie. Our bozos had a master plan for tunneling out of jail but must have forgotten to convert their measurements from the metric system to feet and inches. When they emerged from the tunnel, they found they were 11 inches short of the prison wall. Oops. They also found guards waiting to escort them back to their cells.

September 6, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Alice Springs, Austria where police were summoned to the report of a break-in at a local furniture store. Investigating officers found the glass front door smashed but once inside couldn’t find anyone. They were getting ready to leave when an officer heard a sound…a sound of someone snoring coming from the carpet racks. And that’s where they found our bozo, obviously tired out from the hard work of breaking in. He’s sleeping it off in jail.

September 5, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gray, Maine, where bozo Michael Green returned home to find his house had been broken into. Thinking the burglar might still be inside, our bozo immediately called the cops. Investigating officers were unable to find the burglar, but they did find a large indoor marijuana growing operation, with about 125 high quality plants. He’s under arrest.