Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

July 29, 2005

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 8986: Hitchhiking is not the best mode of transportation when you’re a wanted man. From the International File in Tiberias, Israel comes the story of an unidentified bozo who had escaped from jail while serving a nine year sentence for drug trafficking and assault. After laying low at his mother’s house for a while, he decided to strike out on his own. And since he didn’t have a vehicle, he decided to hitchhike. Bad idea. The prison warden just happened to be driving by at the same time. He picked him up and gave him a free ride back to jail.

July 28, 2005

Bozo criminal for today must really have the world’s worst sense of direction. Bozo Jada Calder from Sioux City, Iowa was scheduled to appear in court on drug charges. Instead, he decided to make a run for it, getting involved in a hit and run accident and leading the cops on a high speed chase before stopping his car in the middle of the street. He threw the truck into reverse and promptly backed into a retaining wall. He then jumped out and ran into a nearby building. And that’s when things really went bad. You see, the wall he ran into was on the outside of the Clay County Courthouse. And the building he ran into was the same courthouse where his hearing was scheduled. He then ran upstairs and ducked into…the very courtroom where he was scheduled to appear. The judge dismissed the jurors while our bozo looked for a place to hide. He didn’t find one. He’s under arrest.

July 27, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where once again we learn that bozos and technology don’t mix. It seems our bozo’s little two year old boy somehow got himself locked in dad’s Cadillac. Apparently, the kid had been listening to the radio commercials because he knew to push the On-Star button to call for help. When the police arrived to free the kid, they became suspicious of a large trailer in the garage. Upon further inspection, they found it contained 1700 pounds of marijuana. Dad’s busted!

July 26, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Slidell, Louisiana, where bozo Douglas Kaufman told the cops that when he went to the local Exxon station to buy dog food, he was hit in the back of the head, robbed and thrown into the trunk of his 1994 Cadillac. He said his abductors then drove around for two hours before he managed to escape. Only a few holes in his story…first, the Exxon station doesn’t sell dog food, second, the Cadillac’s trunk doesn’t have an emergency release lever, and, even though he said he was robbed, he still had $400 in his wallet. Oops. He finally confessed that he had made up the story to avoid the wrath of his pregnant girlfriend after blowing a bunch of money at the local strip club.

July 25, 2005

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 14,598: When it’s time to collect the money for your faked kidnapping, it’s not a good idea to ride along in the car. From Glendora, California, comes the story of bozo Shane Reed who needed some money to pay off a drug debt, so he called his mother and told her he had been kidnapped and the abductors were demanding $750 for his release. She agreed to pay, but became suspicious when our bozo’s girlfriend showed up to pick up the ransom in a car with three other people inside, one of which looked a lot like our bozo. Police officers watching the whole thing arrested him shortly thereafter.

July 22, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Port Richey, Florida where bozo Marlene Burns wanted her TV repaired. Really, really wanted her TV repaired. And after the TV repairman had made several visits and the set still didn’t work, she finally reached the end of her rope. She pulled out a .38 caliber handgun and held the poor guy hostage, telling him, "You’re not leaving until the TV is fixed!" He was able to escape after calling the store manager and getting him to promise her a new TV if she would let him go. She did. He called the cops. The TV in jail works just fine.

July 21, 2005

Our bozo for today once again proves that a dog may be man’s best friend, but it doesn’t apply to bozos. From Miami, Florida comes the story of bozo David Causey who had been causing problems on area freeways by gunning his motorcycle in and out of traffic. Twice, he had successfully evaded the cops by fleeing at speeds in excess of 140 MPH. This time the police were ready for him. When they received a report of his reckless driving, he was pursued by troopers stationed strategically along the turnpike while a police airplane kept an eye on him from the skies. However, he still managed to evade them and was standing outside his apartment, pretending to wash his car when the cops finally arrived. Our bozo denied everything, telling the officers they must have the wrong man, because he didn’t even own a motorcycle. And that’s when his dog, from inside the apartment, put in his two cents worth. The barking dog came to the window, moved the curtains back, and revealed the still hot motorcycle parked inside. Busted!

July 20, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe County, Florida where bozo Steven Daily felt that desperate times called for desperate solutions. Placed under arrest after getting into a fight at a local bar, our bozo made the officer an interesting proposition. He said that if the officer would drive him to the nearest McDonald’s, he would buy him two cheeseburgers in exchange for his freedom. He even went so far to say that if he didn’t like hamburgers, he would buy him some chicken instead. Needless to say, the officer declined the generous offer. Wonder what he would have said if he had offered him donuts?

July 19, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sweden where a Polish man hoped to strike it rich smuggling beer, liquor and cigarettes out of the country. He loaded his old Volvo down with 400 liters of beer, 22 liters of alcohol and 10,800 cigarettes and headed for the Norwegian border, where such items are highly taxed and bring a premium price. He probably should have checked the carrying capacity of the Volvo before heading out, however, as the car broke down just a few yards away from the border, in full view of crossing guards. He’s under arrest.

July 18, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawks Annetta Phillips and Robin Sullivan for sending in today’s report. From Nacogdoches, Texas comes the story of an unidentified woman who walked into the sheriff’s office to turn herself in to authorities. Even though she said she was a "wanted woman," no warrants could be found for her. The officers were able to honor her request, as she was placed under arrest for public intoxication.

July 15, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where bozo Randy Welbourn was so proud of his crime that he just had to tell someone about it. Unfortunately for him, he chose to tell thousands of listeners on a call-in radio talk show. He called a Chicago radio host to brag about a successful bank robbery he and his buddies had pulled off, giving specific details and even crowing that he had bought himself an expensive Louis Vuitton wallet to hold his cash. Guess he never dreamed that an FBI agent working on the case might be listening to the radio show. And that the station had a caller ID so that his call was easy for the cops to trace. He’s under arrest.

July 14, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Oakland, California comes the story of Bozo Stephen Hardy who took the old "try, try again" theory to a whole new level. Our bozo held up a downtown bank and got away with a significant amount of money. He was so happy with the results that a few days later he robbed the same bank again. Again he was successful. So he held it up again…and again. Finally on his fifth attempt, someone recognized him and called the cops. He’s now in custody.

July 13, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Framingham, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Justin Buckingham who was placed under arrest by the cops on charges of possession of illegal firearms, including two sawed-off shotguns and a .380 caliber pistol. Even though the weapons were found in the basement of our bozo’s residence, he denied the guns belonged to him. And his claim might have held up except for one thing. Apparently he loved the pistol so much that he had an exact replica of it tattooed on his hip. An exact replica. Right down to the correct serial number. Busted!

July 12, 2005

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in El Salvador where a couple of bozos broke into a home and stole several items including the owner’s prized parrot. Our bozos hadn’t gotten very far before they were pulled over by the police for a routine check. As the cops were checking the car out, the excited bird in the back seat began saying something it had heard a few minutes before, "Robbery! Robbery!" This aroused the suspicions of the officers who checked the car and found other stolen items. Busted by a bird!

July 11, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, South Carolina where bozo Booker Brown pulled off a successful bank robbery despite the fact that he was wearing a little black dress with red flowers, a red straw hat and a black mustache as his disguise. He must have liked the look, because he didn’t bother to remove either the hat or the dress after he made his getaway. An officer spotted a funny looking guy in a red hat with a dress and mustache and decided to do a quick license plate check. Yep, the car was stolen. Hope he changed outfits before going to jail.

July 8, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida where bozo Delshawn Porter had enjoyed a nice coffee at Starbucks. As he strolled out, he told the waitress, "I left your tip on the counter." When the waitress went by to pick it up, she was surprised to notice that the "tip" was a small amount of unwrapped marijuana. His mistake was returning the very next day for another latte. This time a security guard recognized him and called the cops. Our bozo was less than thrilled with the situation and in the ensuing scuffle, his pack of rolling papers and 17 grams of marijuana fell out of his pocket. He’ll have to enjoy jailhouse java for a while.

July 7, 2005

Bozo criminals for today come from Kingdom City, Missouri where drug dealing bozos Michael Sutter and Joseph South were carrying almost $150,000 worth of methamphetamine in their car. They weren’t worried about the cops finding it as they had developed the perfect bozo plan for getting rid of their drug stash. The meth was attached to a hobby style rocket in the trunk of the car. An elaborate web of ropes and pulleys was to lift the rocket into launch position when the trunk was opened. The rocket could then be ignited from inside the car using the dashboard cigarette lighter, sending the meth far away from the prying eyes of the cops. Perhaps their plan needed a little work. The meth and the rocket remained in the trunk. Our bozos remain in jail.

July 6, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brenda Helgerson for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence and stole several items, including a digital camera. Apparently proud of himself, our bozo took several photos of himself at the crime scene before becoming frustrated with the new technology and leaving it behind. Investigating officers found the camera and recognized our bozo from several prior offenses. He’s now posing for his mug shot.

July 5, 2005

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Oslo, Norway where our bozos believed they had come up with the perfect crime. They would break into an ambulance boat, which they knew contained a large amount of drugs and also some cash. They would then escape in a rowboat, leaving no trail for the cops to follow. Things went awry from the get-go. First, they tripped the ambulance’s burglar alarm, which alerted the ambulance crew members who arrived just in time to see our bozos trying to make their getaway in their rowboat. We say "trying" because it apparently never occurred to them that to use the boat as a getaway vehicle, at least one of them would need to be experienced at rowing a boat. Not having a clue as to what to do, our bozos actually ended up rowing in opposite directions. They were quickly apprehended.

July 1, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Long Island, New York comes the story of a group of bozos who organized a scavenger hunt. Items on the list included lawn ornaments, golf course flags, birdbaths, playground swings and finally, a police car license plate. Of course, that’s the one that got two of bozos in trouble when they were spotted lurking near the Suffolk County Police Garage. After this bozo pair was arrested, they squealed on their other eight friends who were also playing the game. The grand prize for our players…a trip to jail!